Terror In Beverly Hills [1989]

After a few weeks of soft balls, we decided that it was time to take off the training wheels for Tom, our newest bad movie watcher, and branch out to something none of us has seen. Although it has steered us very wrong in the past ("Black Devil Doll From Hell"), Adam went back to The Bad Movie Bible to find "Terror in Beverly Hills," a Frank Stallone movie that he's only in for maybe twenty minutes and also starring Cameron Mitchell, who has been a joy in other films we've seen. 

The film starts with an incredibly long introduction taking place in Palestine. We are introduced to our antagonists, two men with a bone to pick about poor treatment they've received for being Muslim and Arabic. One of them is a former friend of Frank Stallone, our main character(?) and named Hack Stone, a guy who used to do secret missions in the Middle East. The former friend's wife and son were killed, and he decides to go to LA to kidnap the president's daughter with his terrorist friends in order to get some POWs released. The actual kidnapping occurs in a shop on Rodeo Drive that results in many amusing causalities and the police chopper that was tracking them loses sight of them because they got distracted by some topless girls on the flatbed of a truck. Back at the police station we get to see Cameron Mitchell yelling a bunch and a secretary who massages her keyboard keys rather than types with them. The president, who has redecorated the Oval Office to look like a 70s rec room and replaced eagle imagery with seagulls, calls up a general driving around a country club to active Hack Stone. Thankfully Hack Stone's cop friend had been tracking the terrorists to an old bean factory and spent a lot of time talking to Cameron Mitchell and the news crew who arrives. The cop pretends to be a medic and gets captured. Hack Stone eventually arrives at the factory, while terrorists kidnap his family on the side. Some cops go save the family in a scene with muffled sound for some reason, and Hack Stone saves the day because the lead terrorist commits suicide. 

This movie has some quality moments, many from Cameron Mitchell yelling at people. The technical aspects are often shoddy, Pepsi product placement is abundant, and there's a lot of silly violence. From a plot perspective, it seems like there isn't a single protagonist because the film was set up to be for Frank Stallone but his cop friend fills in the blanks. This film is definitely worth a watch.

Spoon Rating: 6

On a somewhat related note, Adam received his bottle of KM, the miracle product from "An Idea Whose Time Has Come". Sarah got out her natural ingredient guide and inspected everything in it. Many of the ingredients seemed to have abortive properties and one of the ingredients is on the p65 cancer warning list, which aligned with the "cancer and reproductive health" warning label on the bottle. Ultimately, Adam and Erik drank the recommended tablespoon and Kay drank it and spat it out. It tastes like mouthwash mixed with flowers but a little more viscous. It's not the worst thing ever from a flavor perspective but you probably shouldn't drink it anyway. We're still waiting on a surgery date for the removal of Adam's third arm.

REWATCH: "An Idea Whose Time Has Come" [1990], "The Rainbow Sponge", "Creating Rem Lezar" [1988]

Last Monday we had a triple feature of some of the best shorts we've seen. We started with "An Idea Whose Time Has Come," the most vague infomercial ever for some sort of mineral supplement called KM. It was no more clear this time around but we did manage to find the product on Amazon and Adam made the dubious decision to buy a bottle. Stayed tuned, I guess, for a review of it. After that we enjoyed the full version of "The Rainbow Sponge" where a women named Dee gets nearly orgasmic over a dense sponge that you can decorate with, and then we enjoyed the glorious musical masterpiece "Creating Rem Lezar". We're still pretty sure it's some sort of creepy religious thing, but as long as the kids are happy. Enjoy this subtle juxtaposition again:

All three of these are worth your time and might be best watched in the order we did so you can slowly descend into madness. 

REWATCH: Twisted Pair [2018]

Last Monday, we decided we needed to indoctrinate Tom into the Church of Breesus. While Fateful Findings is probably his best work, it had been a while since we saw Twisted Pair, so we decided to give the CGI masterpiece another watch. Considering this was only the second time we've watched it, we were a little disappointed to see that the disk is already not playing towards the end of the film. And a reminder: the disk was clearly put together in Breen's house. So basically, Neil Breen owes Adam $35. We also got nearly every square on Neil Breen Bingo. 

Bingo and my original review can be found here.

Spoon Rating: 9

Basket Case [1982]

This one came as a recommendation from Tom, Kay's friend and coworker (and possible new member if he decides to keep returning). "Basket Case" is an unparalleled work of art, and I do not say that lightly. The film was preserved by the Museum of Modern Art. Supposedly that was because of its depiction of New York during the sleazy Times Square times and the fact that it was uniquely made in a hotel using a bunch of the residents as actors, but that explanation merely conceals the true artistry of this film.

Our protagonist is a largely mulleted young man with a locked picnic basket. Despite prompting from a slew of colorful characters about what's in the basket and his innocuous answers, the basket feeds like Death Bed and appears to communicate with him telepathically. Mullet, more commonly known as Duane, has a particular fixation on tracking down doctors, which leads him to a date with a receptionist who is wildly offended by his lack of sight seeing. It is then that we are gifted with a look inside the basket at the deformed, screaming goblin-mass that resides within and wishes to kill. You should really just watch this film to see the man itself, but when I tell you it never stopped being hilarious, I am not exaggerating. During a drunken hangout with one of the women in the hotel, Duane spills his backstory about how the fanged-tumor is his brother who he was forcibly separated from, spawning their crusade to get revenge on the doctors who did this. Unfortunately, brother-lump has reached sexual maturity and preys first on Duane's hotel friend (whose room is entirely decorated with smiley faces for some reason) and then on Duane's receptionist love interest in a scene that is not quite as bad as "Black Devil Doll From Hell" but still taints an otherwise perfect bad movie. Be warned. Duane is rightfully horrified and both brothers are united in death after a brawl sends them falling out an open window, leaving unanswered the question of which one is the real basket case.

This one was an instant classic the second we laid eyes on the sentient pound of flesh within. Aside from the ridiculous design and execution of its movements, the film also benefits from strange acting by basically everyone, whiplash tone shifts, and a lot of little oddities that might lose their magic by trying to put them into words. The only thing holding this movie back is the disturbing scene I mentioned, but I would advise you to not let that hold you back. Skip the scene, but make sure you add this one to your list.

Spoon Rating: 9

REWATCH: Mortal Kombat: Annihilation [1997]

 It's been about three and a half years since we last watched "Mortal Kombat: Annihilation" and we let Erik pick the rewatch. If you want to read my old review, you can click here.

Spoon Rating: 8

Kraken: Tentacles Of The Deep [2006]

I'm just going to spoil this whole thing right now: don't watch this. It's really unexciting, the acting is bland instead of funny, and the CGI is not quite bad enough to be enjoyable. The plot is about as simple as you can get too. A perpetually bikini-clad marine archeologist is looking for an opal that has something to do with the Greek myth of Scylla but Kay, resident Greek myth expert, had never even heard of this variant. The archeologist is on a boat with a guy who's hunting the giant beast who killed his parents, an intern, and a traitor who sells them out to some treasure hunters. Intern and traitor die. Archeologist and revenge seeker survive and kill the beast. They don't get the opal, but they get an artifact anyway and make out.

Our lack of joy at this movie can only slightly be attributed to Erik proposing the idea that the treasure hunters are actually a kraken cult, only for us all to not have our dream fulfilled.

Spoon Rating: 1.5

Quasimodo (Mondo TV) [1998]

This movie is an incredibly mysterious one. At first we couldn't find an IMDb page but we did look up Orlando Corradi, the writer and producer, who also wrote one of the terrible animated "Titanic" movies and produced the beloved "Samurai Cop." Eventually Adam found the page but it's entirely in Italian. Also, there's a YouTube video from a guy who seems to have seen as many "Hunchback" adaptions as we have, but it didn't shed much light on this film outside of what we already know.

Aside from the fact that Frollo is accused of being a sorcerer a bunch, the first 45 minutes of this roughly hour long movie are actually really accurate to the book but move at a full run. Basically, characters come on, introduce themselves and their motivation, and then do a few things to keep the plot going. For a while we were playing "Hunchback" bingo and we had barely any spaces. What makes this version so notable is that the last 15 minutes of this movie are absolutely wild. Esmeralda appears to get shot and hanged, but they keep insisting that she is still alive and that the hanging was actually faked by Pierre and Frollo. Quasi pushes Frollo into the Seine and also flings himself into the Seine using one of the bells (geographically, this would be difficult but okay). They are then dragged out by the gypsies. A fortune teller basically says that everyone is going to be okay and that Clopin will be the one to fix things. It turns out Clopin has real magic. He brings back Esmeralda. Then he makes Phoebus and Fleur as ugly on the outside as they are on the inside and they become the new bell ringers. Djali, the goat, gets turned into a hot wife for Pierre in order to work around that creepy fixation he has on a goat. Quasi is saved and made "handsome," and he and Esmeralda get together. Frollo even holds a double wedding for our two couples! I guess his overwhelming lust got cured by nearly dying. Basically, we get an ending so "happy" that it feels like someone's retcon fanfiction.

This one is particularly special if you are familiar with the "Hunchback" adaptations, but even if you aren't there's terrible pacing, confusing animation, and really bland writing. Even before things got insane, we were laughing quite a lot.

Spoon Rating: 6