Twisted Pair [2018]

[Cross-posted on the Bad Movie Night Facebook page.]

Neil Breen. Breesus. The Breenius. Oh, after his 2013 masterpiece "Fateful Findings" we really didn't think he could live up to the standard he created. His 2016 movie "Pass Thru" was definitely quality and worth a watch, but it was heavily a retrend of classic Breen moments without much new to add to the conversation. We were afraid that Breen might have exhausted his creative powers. We were wrong. His latest film "Twisted Pair" is a whole new level of Breen: more "special" effects, less coherency, even more wooden actors. If "Fateful Findings" is his "The Room" with small supernatural elements, "Twisted Pair" is his "Birdemic" in terms of effects and coherency. Adam paid $35 for this movie and it was worth every penny. On that note, the DVD was clearly lovingy crafted by Neil Breen himself with a generic label, a CD case, and no menu, just a single video file that's named "DVD Video." See the pictures we took below. It looks like a pirated DVD you would buy at a state fair in 2005 but it was officially purchased from his website.

So what is "Twisted Pair" even about? Great question. It took us more than halfway through the movie to be totally sure even though the first ten minutes or so are entirely Breen's voiceover on stock footage of a neon fantasy screensaver and twin boys playing in the ocean with their dog. It turns out that Neil is Caid and his twin Cale. Both brothers were abducted by what seems to be some kind of benevolent alien forces who rearranged their DNA so they would be the ultimate crime-stopping beings. The voiceover keeps saying they were turned into humanoids which shows that Breen doesn't actually know what a humanoid is. Not only is Breen a more-than-human figure again, but this time he gets to play twice the amount of roles. 

Unfortunately, Cale was rejected by the alien's agency, which caused him to go kind of rogue in his justice doing things like tying up evil corporate people in his basement and letting them die there. He is played by Neil Breen in a hoodie with a fake bread and moustache. Also Cale has a bad relationship with his drug addict wife and stabs a homeless man with fake rat pets.

Caid meanwhile is on a mission to stop an evil alien (?) named Kooze (the credits actually spelled it Cuzzx, which makes me angry). Kooze has moving cat figurines, a distorted fake voice, a giant goblet of obviously plastic diamonds, and a fairy who is obviously a stripper and seems to serve no real plot fuction. Most of the movie involves Caid talking to various people, one from his agency and some evil people including his wife (spoiler), and then blowing up the evil institutions with really fake explosions. 

In the end Caid kills his evil wife and realizes Cale is still alive. It ends with Caid seemingly back on the alien planet and talking to the ghost of his wife for some reason. There's a teaser for "Twisted Pair 2" and credits that last a full four minutes that are all Neil Breen under fake company names again.

I'm not sure if any of this makes sense but that's part of the charm. The movie is shot entirely at night and on the Nevada State College campus and in a house which might be Neil's or may be a house he's showing (remember he's actually a real estate agent). Aside from even more stock footage than usual, there is an insane amount of green screen and it is so fake every time. One of the first times it's really used is when Neil is cuddling an eagle and we almost passed out from laughing so hard. I literally can't convey every amazing thing about this film in one post, but it was so good I actually suspected that Neil might be becoming self aware. It seemed over the top even for him.

Anyway, if you can find a way to watch this, do. We'll be waiting in anticipation for the sequel.

Spoon Rating: 9

I didn't already have Neil Breen Bingo so here you go!