Monday, September 25, 2017

The Gingerdead Man [2005]

[Cross-posted on the Bad Movie Night Facebook page.]


Three young people with terrible accents (Normal Girl, Not MIchael Lillard, and Bitch) and a few other bakery employees (Other Girl, Drunk Lady, and Butcher-Baker) get terrorized by an evil gingerbread man voiced by Gary Busey. Basically the whole reason we watched this movie was to find out how the gingerdead man comes to be. A robber-murderer who did a whole lot of bad things in a bakery gets executed and cremated. The cremains end up getting sent to the bakery in a box claiming they were gingerbread supplies and then ended up getting mixed into the dough. The result is a one and a half foot terror who loves to murder and pun and is clearly a handpuppet. 

He kills. Or at least tries to. Weirdly, only Bitch seems to die for real. Butcher-Baker, who left the bakery before the madness started, comes back to save the day by eating him. It doesn't work because the spirit of the murderer infects him. They shove him in the oven. In the future, it is clear that there are more cremains kicking around and potential for a whole army of gingerdead men but we will not be a part of that.

At an hour and ten minutes (ten minutes of which are all slow moving credits) this movie isn't even worth the time. It is noteable though that the only song with lyrics in the film was written by the director and the rest of the score sounds like a Danny Elfman knock-off.

We have no intentions of watching the sequels but you should know there are three:
* "Gingerdead Man 2: Passion Of The Crust"
* "Gingerdead Man 3: Saturday Night Cleaver"
* "Gingerdead Man Vs. Evil Bong."

Spoon Rating: 1.5

Tuesday, September 19, 2017

Still Flowin: The Movie [2014]

[Cross-posted on the Bad Movie Night Facebook page.]

Sound is important to a film. I can't really stress this point too strongly as this week's movie, "Still Flowin': The Movie," is basically the worst disaster we have ever seen in terms of sound. Worse than "Guru, The Mad Monk," which was I film I found virtually impossible to understand. Worse than every other low budget film we've seen. It wasn't just that the dialogue was hard to hear either. There was frequently non-diegetic music that would overwhelm the dialogue and the room of the audience with pulsating beats that are sure to induce a headache. And it's worth noting that there is a lot being done with the sound of this movie. The movie was written, directed, produced by, and starred an Australian rapper named Raed Melki who talks on his website about how he has studied sound design and directing. Neither of these things is clear from the movie although I do believe both that he made it himself and that he is his own music producer.

The plot is pretty incomprehensible so we checked IMDb. It turns out the plot is about a rapper from Melbourne who has pissed off a record company so much by badgering them with demos that they hire a hitman (who we named Boozy Burger) to kill him. Meanwhile, there is another record company who is absolutely floored by his talent and is trying to find him. There are subplots that involve a group of guys who like to curse him out when they see him (it goes nowhere), his friend who wants to be an interior decorator somewhere like America or Turkey (it goes nowhere), a party with drugs (some people get high and anti-Semitic and anti-Muslim comments are traded for some reason), his girlfriend (we couldn't even understand their conversations), visiting some kangaroos (we got bored and watched that YouTube video of a guy punching a kangaroo), visiting a church (conversation was clearly had but we kept mishearing things), and some kind of set-up with one of the record guys who wanted him dead. This is the most I can tell you for sure. Also, he's not a good rapper. And this may be based on a true story.

Instead of watching this film, you could get part of the experience by checking out Raed Melki's production company's website. Here's a link to information about casting for the sequel. It's a ride.

Also, check out this weird collection of sentences at the end of the film. Both the beginning and end of the film featured Raed Melki's bank information so you could wire money to him.:
Pretty sure that's not how copyrights work but okay, Raed. What do I know anyway? I'm just a critic.

Quotes:
"I'm not sure that Jesus is full of doughnuts." [Note: This was likely misheard.]

Spoon Rating: 2

Tuesday, September 12, 2017

Descendants 2 [2017]

[Cross-posted on the Bad Movie Night Facebook page.]

"Descendants 2" is unquestionably the gayest movie any of us have ever seen. After watching "Descendants" last month we had left with a positive enough impression that watching the sequel was pretty much a guarantee but we were wholly unprepared for how much gayer an already fairly gay universe could get. In the first one it seemed like Carlos was a closet case and Chad could very easily also be gay but we didn't think much about it beyond that. We were much more interested in the implications surrounding the phrase, "On the island we don't date. It's more gang activity." That was only scratching the surface. I could write a whole review just about the gayness but I won't because this movie is so full of strange things that need to be acknowledged. Still I will end this post with a breakdown of the sexualities of all of the kids for fun.

The movie opens on a music number which was both unexpected and unwanted. It seemed like the kids had suddenly reverted right back to their evil ways and decided to infect Auradon Prep with . . . magic apples that make them dance. Sinister. Immediately new about this film was a visually higher budget and better song writing. The songs were still not good, of course this is a Disney channel original, but they were tolerable and therefore an improvement over "Descendants." We then fall into Mal's evil eye and are taken to the actual present where Mal has dyed her hair a hideous platinum blonde and is not really into her new life as King Ben's girlfriend. She feels like she is spending her life at required meetings and gatherings and, after a fight with Ben over her magic use, she decides to go back to the Isle of the Lost. She gets a new dye job from this movie's "adorable awkward girl who everyone loves" and a haircut that frames her face terribly and is back to her old life.

What's everyone else doing? Evie is making bank off a fashion side business which she runs with her boyfriend, Doug. Jay is captain of the dance-fencing team and is bummed to have to deny a spot to Lonnie, Mulan's daughter, because Chad pulled out the gender specific rulebook. Chad spends his time showering with men and breaking into Jay and Carlos' room when they're sleeping because he has taken a level in gay. And Carlos is struggling to ask out Jane. Yes, Jane, Fairy Godmother's daughter, not Jay. Yes, this is Disney yet again shoehorning in a straight love interest on the gayest character.

Upon realizing Mal has disappeared, Ben and Evie team up to bring her back to Auradon with the boys, who I guess are just obligated to follow the girls. The villain kids teach Ben about "Chillin' Like A Villain." How this phrase wasn't used in the first movie is beyond me. Mal refuses Ben, but then sings a love duet with Evie. She also confronts her nemesis, Uma, Ursula's daughter, and they exchange some passion-filled banter that makes it seem like they might have dated once. Uma, salty that she was not invited to Auradon when Mal was, kidnaps Ben with her gang of gay pirates and refuses to return him until they bring her, you guessed it, Fairy Godmother's wand.

Jay and Carlos return to Auradon to 3D print a wand while Ben tries to reason with his captors. The wand exchange goes down with a Mal/Uma rap battle and way too much sword fighting. On their way out of the Isle, Mal drops her spell book like an idiot.

Back at Auradon it's time for the cotillion on a boat. Carlos asks out Jane, whose mother seems just as horrified as the audience. Evie is somehow still with Doug in spite of her love duet with Mal. Jay takes Lonnie, who he made captain (since the captain's gender was unspecified) and they hardcore seem to be on a bro-date. Oh, and Mal is back with Ben. Until he shows her that he invited Uma and actually he's in love with her now. NO ONE SUSPECTS THE SPELL BOOK. There's a final battle between Mal and Uma where Uma grows tentacles (becoming a decapus) and Mal turns into a dragon. No explanations needed. Mal wins. Let's have a dance number in the now water-logged cruise ship.

And of course, it ends with Uma dropping the key line, "You didn't think this was the end of the story, did you?" Bring on "Descendants 3"! Adam is hoping it will reveal that every kid's other parent is actually Zeus.
 Lucifer, the cat from "Cinderella."
 Lucifier, the Bad Movie Night cat.
And a Ben-Bot malfunctioning.

Spoon Rating: 7

Grandma's Review: "It was good."

The Sexualities Of The Main Characters:
  • Mal: Standard Bi
  • Evie: "I'm straight . . ." *thinks about Mal* "well, mostly straight."
  • Carlos: Very gay. Pretty in the closet. Which is decorated with pictures of Jay.
  • Jay: Bi but quiet about it because he's not really interested in dating right now (SPORTS). The last to come out in the group.
  • Ben: Bi but more likely to date girls. Literally picked Mal, Evie, Carlos, and Jay because they were the ones he was most attracted to. Has a villain kink.
  • Chad: Somehow gayer than Carlos. Also, in love with both Carlos and Jay. Diva worships Audrey.
  • Audrey: Lipstick lesbian.
  • Jane: Possibly the token straight. More likely ace and sees dating Carlos as the best of both worlds because he can cuddle her and emotionally connect with her without wanting sex.
  • Lonnie: Pretty futch, tbh. Could go any way.
  • Doug: Heteroflexible.
  • Uma: Power lesbian.
  • Harry: Answers "Sexuality?" with "Oh yeah."
  • Gil: Needs help figuring it out.

Tuesday, September 5, 2017

Leo The Lion [2013]

[Cross-posted on the Bad Movie Night Facebook page.]

When it comes to bad kids movies, we often regard "Foodfight" as one of the best of the worst but we are always open to more feats in sickening animation and this film, "Leo The Lion," is certainly up there. The animation looks like a game from the late 90s that isn't rendered properly and this is really notable considering the movie was made only four years ago. It is genuinely difficult to watch. And about twenty minutes in we got another reason to want to run: it's a musical. They really waited to drop that bomb until we couldn't back out, particularly since the film is barely an hour and twenty minutes. After writing the "Descendants" post I realized that whenever a music number comes up in a Bollywood movie, we get excited, but whenever a music number comes up in any other kind of movie, we scream. Also, unrelated to the film, this marked the return of Grandma! She's feeling better and is now significantly more cyborg than she was last time.

The plot of "Leo The Lion" reads kind of like a ripoff of "The Lion King" except without any of the well-structured plot, tension, or developed characters. Leo is a lion who is a vegetarian. This isn't super important except for you to know that he's harmless and that the film is totally against that "circle of life" stuff that was so important in "The Lion King." Leo's mom drowns right away and Leo makes friends with a pregnant elephant named Savanna, which has to be the most confusing name ever when you live in the savanna. Savanna is queen after her husband (who she calls "daddy"; we all had to kinkshame an elephant) got curb stomped by the White Elephant, but they think he got taken to the zoo. She gives birth to two elephants conjoined at the tail and mother and children get separated in a fire. Leo and his Uncle Lope, the antelope, have to care for the babies and a bunch of other lost young animals and they adventure to somewhere. Leo is looking for "the heart of the jungle" but they end up meeting a magical chameleon who shows him that it's actually inside his heart . . . and also a hidden grotto or something. White Elephant sings a villain song complete with goose-stepping elephants. Leo, Lope, and babies leave the "heart" to find their mom. Final battle with Leo triumphing. Leo confusingly marries Savanna and they have unholy hybrid children. Then he sings about being a vegetarian in what should have been an introduction song. 

This movie is more painful than funny but we did get a few laughs from things I mentioned in the plot description. We were also disappointed to find that the film used to have really incorrect subtitles on Netflix but they seem to have fixed them. The movie was made by an Italian company and the "heart of the jungle" was originally translated as the "Lake of Milk." Apparently, Leo isn't a vegan.


Spoon Rating: 2.5