The Incubus [2010]

If you happen to prowl the same corners of YouTube as me, this movie should look familiar as the topic of the most recent Jenny Nicholson video, who also gave us Beastly. I watched just enough of the video to determine that it would be worth a watch, and the clear Twilight ripoff nature was an obvious win. Add in the context that the lead actress is also the writer and only 19, that a bunch of the cast are just real life friends of hers, and that she and the lead villain are actually responsible for some of the music in the film, and this movie has passion project written all over it. Shayne Leighton is an auteur film maker. 

The plot surrounds the romance between a college student living with her abusive preacher uncle who killed both her parents and in incubus who just rocked into town with his coven of Hot Topic accessory corner soul suckers. Do we get lore of these creatures? Only barely in small drips of information throughout the whole film so it never totally makes sense. Their powers are random and immense including super speed, teleporting, controlling fire, divination, force fields, etc. Is there a linear plot outside of the romance? Mainly just that abusive uncle is abusive until he gets locked away and The Incubus' creator is into him and jealous of the lead. There are a bunch of side characters with incubus-adjacent side plots to pad out the run time. The lead's two human friends hang out with the two side incubi until one is accidentally killed. The bully, who is really on par with all the vertical drama bullies we've been seeing, has so much of her energy depleted that she dies in a car accident. The catch with all this is that the incubi want to spend time around humans because it's sweeter to drain the energy of humans they have some kind of bond with. However, hanging out with the humans makes them feel emotions again, which is intoxicating, so they simultaneously want to drain them more but also don't because it will kill them. The draining seems to be uncontrollable except when the plot needs it to not happen. The film ends with everyone in town killed exact the lead who almost dies until her love interest resurrects her as a soul sucker herself right at the end. Cue the Evanescence-esque credit song.

In addition to the thin plot, this film also has some wonderful confusion built into how scenes are often ended with the main character passing out and awakening in a totally different situation with the explanation, scenes that seem to be a continuation of a previous moment but every is in different clothes, and day and night seeming to be arbitrary. The film did start with the main character musing about the nature of time so maybe this was on purpose? We can only hope. The acting is also that perfect combination of "go girl give us nothing" and "You are tearing me apart Lisa!" with very few actors in between. The over-the-top uncle and the annoying friend who looks like Billy Joe Armstrong are really here to leave no piece of scenery unchewed. It's a good nostalgic time.

Unrelated but when I got in my car after watching this "Drive" by Incubus was playing on the radio. This film is blessed. 

Spoon Rating: 5.5 

Marked By The Demon Alpha [2025]

I can't even find the year for this movie so I guessed. It doesn't even have an IMDb page. But regardless, we watched it and were very disappointed that it wasn't about demons at all. It was barely about wolves. 

Serena gets artificially inseminated by accident with the sperm of the Alpha, Bart. Yes, Bart. And no, we are never given an explanation of what being Alpha means or what he controls. Her bully, Selena, is mad because she wanted to steal that sperm. Bart comes to Serena to offer her a marriage contract and money to have the baby, saving her from her raping stepbrother and abusive stepmom. The film then mostly involves Serena getting further picked on my Selena and her mom Linda, who discovers that the girls are half sisters from when her husband cheated on her. There's a barely touched B plot where Bart is jealous of his right hand man because of some coincidental moments between him and Serena. Selena also attempts to rape Bart twice. And yet, nothing is done about the villains. Bart and Serena's relationship barely goes anywhere and truly Bart is the least heterosexual seeming of all the leading man we've seen. They don't even consummate the marriage at any point, but I guess they don't have to when she's already pregnant. With most of the movie over, Serena's mom, Emma, comes in for no real reason and we get a deus ex machina of an ending where Emma uses the Queen (there's a queen in this world) to get Selena and Linda arrested or executed or something. Serena gives birth. Happy family ending.

This movie was far longer than it needed to be at only an hour and a half, probably because it was plotted like it was bring written in installments with no planning, even more than other vertical dramas we've seen. There were a few laugh out loud moments though, some ugly costumes for our lead, some barely understandable Eastern European accents, and the stunning lack of chemistry. Overall, not bad.

Spoon Rating: 6 

Note: I can't verify the accuracy but I just read this blog post about vertical dramas that could explain a bit about what's going on here. I really want a deep dive YouTube video or something on the topic. 

Morbius [2022]

Funny to think there was a time when Marvel movies and Jared Leto independently were not total embarrassments, but alas the 2020s are a special decade. Now they have teamed up for the ultimate cringe and it was honestly pretty funny but even more importantly it gave us a lot of materials to be hilarious.

Morbius follows a biochemist with a rare blood disease who starts the film collecting bats in Costa Rica by tempting them with a giant open gash on his hand. Not everyone with a doctorate is intelligent, you know. In a flashback we see Michael Morbius in a hospital in Greece (no town name, just Greece) and he makes friends with a kid with the same disease named Lucian who he renames Milo and then everyone just calls him that for the rest of the film with no explanation why he chose to stuck with this fake name all throughout adulthood. As adults Milucian is a rich guy who funds Morbius' research through which he has created synthetic blood but has not cured their disease. Morbius decides to experiment with the bats and stupidly injects himself with his serum while on a boat, leading to him getting jacked and bat-faced and killing a bunch of people because he's hangry. He also flies around sans wings and leaks some kind of pigmented gas. I have no explanation. With this bat form unlocked he is able to walk and finally doesn't feel sick, but he needs to ingest blood every couple hours or he starts to deteriorate. Milo finds out and wants a hit of that sweet serum, but Morbius says no because this is no way to live. This is actually insane. Before the serum, he needed transfusions three times a day to stay ill and now he needs to drink blood four times a day to be healthy and strong. The downsides don't exist unless you starve yourself and get batty. Milo, in true rich kid fashion, takes the serum anyway and it makes him evil, I guess revealing he was a jerk all along since the serum didn't change Morbius' personality as long as he stays well fed. They fight for the entire second act. Then we get some post credit scenes that only make sense if the Marvel franchise is your personality. Weirdly, there are no 30 Seconds To Mars songs. And at no point did Jared Leto say, "It's morbing time." Truly the biggest letdown of 2022.

As I said, we created a lot of our own fun, but there was much laughter to be had from the evil bat faces, the plot logic, a scene of Morbius writing blood on a window in blood, and a scene where a flickering light was fixed by just flipping a switch. Can't believe this was a flop. 

Spoon Rating: 5 

Mafia Boss Owns My Body [2025]

We have been planning on watching this one for a while because how could we resist that title.

The plot is pretty meh for the first 45 minutes or so but then it delivers like Dominos. Our blandly pretty, perfect heroine needs money for her mom's surgery and she's a law school dropout whose dad is in jail for drugs. She gets a business card for a mafia boss who offers to help her pay for the surgery if she becomes his slave, both sex and spy. He asks her to become an assistant to the DA, some guy she was in law school with. He is nicer to her than the guy who rapes her and makes her do morally questionable things so she falls for him. Then out of nowhere he becomes an insane person in Dahmer glasses and starts chewing every piece of scenery around. Mafia boss saves her from him and, oh ignore the assault and the murdering people because she's actually a really nice guy who's anti drug and the random guy he killed in the beginning was actually responsible for framing her father. Girl, the correct answer was run away.

In the end, this movie is worth it. The drama really kicks into high gear and makes up for the repetitive beginning and clearly low budget. Also, everyone looks barely old enough to drink alcohol so the thought that they are mafia leaders and lawyers is hilarious.

Spoon Rating: 6