Executioners From Shaolin [1977]

It's been a while since we've watched a martial arts movie and this one is part o the infamous Pai Mei tradition, which plenty of people are only aware of because of Kill Bill 2.

In the beginning Pai Mei, a contract fighter for the emperor, kills the head of the Shaolin temple and then burns it down. The devotees of the temple escape, at one point hiding as a theater trope. They encounter a female martial artist who is trained in the crane style, as opposed to their tiger style, and she joins them. In a jump cut, she marries the head of the devotees and we get a long sequence about him trying to open her legs on the wedding night, but she's too strong. In another jump cut, she gives birth and vows to teach their son crane style. Her husband wants revenge on Pai Mei, and she says he will either need to learn her crane style or train tiger for ten years. He picks the later and in another cut, it's ten years later and he challenges Pai Mei, losing quickly and running off. Seven years later, he fights a lot with his son and decides to challenge Pai Mei again, this time dying offscreen. The son tries to learn tiger style so he can challenge Pai Mei but the guide his father left behind is kind of torn up so he creates his own version. The movie ends in the middle of the fight but we get a title card telling us that the son successfully killed Pai Mei. 

This movie manages to jump time like crazy while still being so simple. I guess we needed to save time for more fighting. The best part is Pai Mei's magic crotch, which appears to be a black hole that his opponent's feet get stuck in. Overall, a fair amount of silly.

Spoon Rating: 4 

The Fae King Is My Shadow Daddy [2026]

This is one we've been wanting to watch for a while because of its amazing title, and it was worth the wait. The plot is actually really simple, even in this vertical drama world of simple ideas. Eilana is a human going to be married off to fae Duke Matthias to create a peace treaty. He rejects her at the alter, asking for bloodshed, and the High King Caspian steps in to marry her instead and prevent a war. They need to bang to create an heir but keep getting interrupted because of dubious consent, intoxication, a stab wound, etc. Matthias and another royal named Zoya want to bring them down and in spite of numerous attempts, neither the King nor Eilana bothers to punish them in any way that will make them stop. At one point the King saves Eilana from a bog hag and they realize they are mates and Eilana also gets light power (to his shadow power, GET IT) by channeling his dead mom who approves of them from beyond the grave. Despite Mathias and Zoya's efforts, Caspian and Eilana boink at just the right time to make a baby and then they evade their sabotage again to have it and then again evade them to save their son from peril. Using a language loophole, which fae love, Eilana, in spite of turning a fae post pregnancy, kills them because only a born fae can't kill another fae. Happy ending.

This film was fascinating because it seemed to have a higher budget than previous vertical dramas. The sets, costumes, and effects weren't amazing or anything but they were well above some of the other movies we've seen. The other unique thing is that every actor had an accent, likely Eastern European. Here's the theory: they had more money for production because they got away with paying the actors less. They could have increased the wig budget though.

Spoon Rating: 7 

The Blind Beauty [2021]

Dipping back in the Nigeria well, and this time we have a repeat actor. The cousin from Selfless Love and her amazing facial expressions is back as another villain although a more subtle one as everyone in this movie kinda sucks.

The plot is centered around Beauty who's blind. I know, shocker. She lives a horrible life with her Nana, evil stepmother, and evil stepbrother. After a series of money theft and a smackdown between Nana and stepmother, we get to our main plot. There's a slightly better off couple in this village who really want a baby but can't get pregnant. There are witch allegations on the wife but also on seemingly every woman in this village. Thankfully for the couple, Beauty is pregnant so they decide to take her in and care for her with the ultimate goal of stealing her baby. There's some minor conflict here with the stepmother demanding money from them and moving in (although notably, we never see the inside of of any house and they only sit outside). After she has twins and admits that she was raped, she is kidnapped by way of the machinations of the wife who wants her killed so they can more easily take her babies. She escapes and then there's a hit put out on her rapist who is killed by two guys who are then captured by more guys. The movie then just kind of ends. They haul away the murderers and the credits roll. No real conclusion.

In spite of the serious tone you get from recounting the events, the movie is not serious. The beginning was pretty dry, but it does pick up once we hit the main plot.

Spoon Rating: 5

Turn Left To Mr. Right [2025]

This was not the film we meant to watch, but this isn't the first time we've watched the wrong vertical drama. There isn't the best quality control when it comes to labeling these films . . . or anything else really. So instead of The Fae King is my Shadow Daddy, Jill's pick as a guest and a film we will definitely watch at some point, we got this. Now, I'm not saying any of these films are well written, but the writing on this one was especially poor and the budget felt even lower than in the other films we've watched judging by the repeating wardrobe and minimal sets. It also had a moment that nearly killed Adam, so that's something.

The film follows Bella, a law student and OnlyFans model who doesn't do nudes and is bullied by her classmates like all the girls in these films. She has a crush on Fred, a classmate with rich murderer smile, but has accidentally made Nate, another classmate who can actually pull off 90s hair curtains, think she's into him. They end up in a relationship that she wants to get out of, but he has been into her for a long time. She has a modeling partner named Shadow who is actually Nate in a mask, and thankfully she's an idiot and can't figure this out. The film goes on like this for a while with Bella trying to find a way but of the relationship, getting bullied by classmates and Nate's mom, and Nate being seemingly not confused about them dating for a month and never even kissing. At this point the film can maybe make sense if you imagine that they are all really religious, which is why they're so innocent even though they are law students (who wear school uniforms and are treated like middle schoolers by their one professor). Eventually Bella realizes she has feelings for Nate and this should mean the story is over but there was a super minor B-plot here. Some guy has been abusing girls and unrelatedly Bella was afraid Nate was killing people who he doesn't trust with no evidence? It's not a well developed subplot. Obviously Nate wasn't hurting anyone and somehow Bella represents herself at a trial sending the evil guy to jail who was in cahoots with the professor. It doesn't matter. What does matter is that Nate reveals himself to be Shadow by taking off his mask in front of Bella and she responds with, "Where did Shadow go?" and we all cracked up but no one more than Adam who nearly died of laughter. The movie got a full spoon for that alone.

While this movie was definitely weaker than others, it was still well worth a watch. Still would have preferred The Fae King is my Shadow Daddy or The Mafia Owns My Body though.

Spoon Rating: 7 

White Men Can't Dance [2012]

It took the longest time to figure out what this movie was actually about and the tone it was going for and even then, it wasn't exactly consistent. Either way, this is a passion project with the same guy writing, directing, and starring in the film and you can see what he likes in the script: breakdancing, younger women, character comedy, and family. Let me explain.

In the beginning we are introduced to Pete, a guy who has a pretty good life with his parents, much younger wife, and daughter who can't act. We get some wacky hijinks that made us wonder if the film was going to be silly and Who Killed Roger Rabbit-esque but that was mostly just the beginning. Things turn quickly when his workaholic father dies of kidney stones, two heart attacks, and abdominal bleeding all at once and Pete decides to off-road his SUV by a river and cry. His wife then gets bad news: their daughter needs a kidney operation that will cost $120,00 out of pocket and they need $50,000 to make up the total. In spite of owning a house, they don't know how they will pay for this and instead of talking about it, Pete decides to enter a breakdancing competition to win $40,000 and borrow the other $10,000 from his friends. Pete also has an idea of his stolen at work and he gets fired by the idea thief. He also doesn't discuss this with his wife, but he does break into his office in annoying disguises, eventually resulting in his rehiring. After all his disappearances to practice his dancing, his wife starts to think he's having an affair. At no point does this man ever come clean about what he's doing and there's no backstory to explain why he wouldn't tell her. It's agonizing. The last half hour is just breakdancing where we are treated to the fact that Pete can dance, but he can't dance nearly on the level of the young guys he's up against. He loses the competition but the winner gives him the prize money because he heard about the guy's daughter. Right after, the wife gets a call saying they got approved for a grant to pay for the surgery, reveling that while Pete was trying to win a breakdancing competition at 55, his wife was putting in the work to actually pay for the surgery. Men will do anything but go to therapy and talk to their wives. I guess white men really can't dance.

Overall, it was pretty good but at times just baffling more than funny. We ended the night watching videos of the Australian breakdancer at the 2024 Olympics getting absolutely smoked by her younger competitors, which really felt like the film in short honestly. Highly recommend.

Spoon Rating: 4 

Magic Ex: Fangs And Claws Both Besotted With Me [2025]

I know I say that ever vertical drama is insane, but this one is particularly wild. While the other ones had crazy but consistent plots, this one's plot seems to veer back and forth without a strong central narrative. The acting gulf in this one is so wide too, and the costumes are this disparate mesh off "gothic" and "fairy" looks inspired by every time period from medieval to Victorian that could be purchased at a party supply store or Charlotte Russe in 2005. Let me attempt to explain what happens.

The film starts with Leia, the human main character, deciding on suicide by drowning after her mother-in-law says she will have to divorce her Alpha werewolf husband because she's a dirty human and he needs to make a productive werewolf alliance marriage. While in the water she gets blessed by a red light and is rescued by some servants who see she is now wearing a red gem ring (we find out way later she was blessed by a witch). With god-like powers, she goes home to ruin the engagement party of Sean, her ex she's not actually divorced from because werewolves can't actually get divorced from their mate, and Cecelia, the high-ranking werewolf he's set to marry. She does this by dropping a teacup. In the morning, she dramatically drops plates of food at breakfast rather than serve them. The scandal. Also, she has a facial scar that seems to be from Sean attacking her or something and it's gone now, but she doesn't want anyone to know so she wears a see-through mask. For no clear reason, she removes the mask later and it has a major Clark Kent effect because literally no one recognizes her even though she looks the same. She also decides she's going to divorce Sean which . . . is what everyone wants anyway? Either way, then she revives the King's son with her magic kiss so he now wants her. But also, her ex still wants her too and they have a moment of accident shower spray that results in a porno shot. Then she saves an urchin girl from being bullied and adopts her. Try to keep up. Leia's bio son, Elio (he's supposed to be 7 but he's like 13), is jealous of the adopted girl, Zoe, and conspires with Cecelia, a grown-ass woman, to hurt her. Zoe lied about her parentage in order to hook up Leia with the vampire king. Leia bumps him into a pool and now he wants her too. Also, Sean didn't actually want a divorce; he was being forced into the marriage and never though to just tell his wife that. Cecelia has her villain turn and conjures up a bunch of dark wizards we've never seen before to stage a coup on the king but Leia defeats them immediately with her magic ring. All three men still want her but she decides to just be single and use them as slave labor, which is actually based.

Putting aside the randomness of the plot, I want to talk about the stunning lack of supernatural stuff in these vertical dramas. You see, effects cost money and laying down unique lore is hard so we get werewolves who never actually turn into wolves with dubious rules about mates and hierarchies, vampires who can go in the sunlight and wear fake teeth that are actually worse than fake teeth I got at Spirit Halloween in 2008, and wizards who wear Alibaba bulk masks with their thin polyester capes and don't do magic. It's terrible. I love it. The whole of the effects in this movie are some red lines to show Leia's power, one almost interesting moment when a servant girl's arm turns into a werewolf fist, and a poof effect on the defeated wizards. Is the supernatural element literally just to dress them in corsets and brocade vests that no self respecting goth would wear? Do these werewolves have the life expectancy of vampires to justify their modernized old-fashioned attire and castles, which are usually just Bran Castle in Romania from different angles? I guess we can only have so many billionaire and mafia romances.

Spoon Rating: 8 

A Groom For Christmas [2024]

Nollywood or Christmas? Why pick? This movie is really just a Hallmark movie in Nigeria so it has all the conventions and silliness you would expect from that.

The plot centers around Lotanna, a lawyer who's secretly in love with Adaeze, his best friend and a mechanic who picks the worst men. The film starts with Lotanna skipping out on game night with his silly friend who's always eating in his office to comfort Adaeze after a breakup with beer and dish washing. Before Christmas, Lotanna goes away on a three week trip and in the meantime Adaeze meets his cousin, Nebolisa, a surgeon who has been living in Paris the last 14 years but has come home to meet a nice Nigerian girl. They hit it off way too quickly and by the time Lotanna comes back, Nebolisa is proposing on Christmas with plans for a wedding on New Year's Day. This is insane behavior, and even if Lotanna wasn't speaking from a place of secret love, he is perfectly in the right to question his friend and cousin's choices. As the minutes were ticking down, we were really looking for the gap to allow this wedding to stop. In movies like this you usually have the fiance turning into a jerk, but Nebolisa is a good dude the whole time. We wondered if there might be a class difference element coming in, but Lotanna's mom/Nebolisa's aunt is super supportive the whole time. We even wondered if classism might be why Lotanna didn't admit his feelings since his mom is trying to set him up with a law student (seemingly his mom is a professor), but this isn't mentioned either. Basically Lotanna never admitted his feelings out of sheer fear of rejection. Honestly, it does make sense in a while since they have been friends for ten years and that admission could ruin a beautiful friendship, but if you are having a breakdown at the thought of her finding someone else, you maybe were always going to lose. Either way, at the wedding Lotanna shows up to support his friend and Nebolisa says he can't marry Adaeze because he knows he's not the one. Lotanna and Adaeze end up together and thankfully don't get married immediately on the spot. Everyone is happy expect Nebolisa, I guess, but he'll be fine probably.

As I mentioned earlier, this film has a lot of Hallmark level silliness and contrivances but with the wonderful Nollywood addition of incongruous music. Overall, a fun, barely Christmas vibe, outside of some terrible caroling. 

Spoon Rating: 6