The Blind Beauty [2021]

Dipping back in the Nigeria well, and this time we have a repeat actor. The cousin from Selfless Love and her amazing facial expressions is back as another villain although a more subtle one as everyone in this movie kinda sucks.

The plot is centered around Beauty who's blind. I know, shocker. She lives a horrible life with her Nana, evil stepmother, and evil stepbrother. After a series of money theft and a smackdown between Nana and stepmother, we get to our main plot. There's a slightly better off couple in this village who really want a baby but can't get pregnant. There are witch allegations on the wife but also on seemingly every woman in this village. Thankfully for the couple, Beauty is pregnant so they decide to take her in and care for her with the ultimate goal of stealing her baby. There's some minor conflict here with the stepmother demanding money from them and moving in (although notably, we never see the inside of of any house and they only sit outside). After she has twins and admits that she was raped, she is kidnapped by way of the machinations of the wife who wants her killed so they can more easily take her babies. She escapes and then there's a hit put out on her rapist who is killed by two guys who are then captured by more guys. The movie then just kind of ends. They haul away the murderers and the credits roll. No real conclusion.

In spite of the serious tone you get from recounting the events, the movie is not serious. The beginning was pretty dry, but it does pick up once we hit the main plot.

Spoon Rating: 5

Turn Left To Mr. Right [2025]

This was not the film we meant to watch, but this isn't the first time we've watched the wrong vertical drama. There isn't the best quality control when it comes to labeling these films . . . or anything else really. So instead of The Fae King is my Shadow Daddy, Jill's pick as a guest and a film we will definitely watch at some point, we got this. Now, I'm not saying any of these films are well written, but the writing on this one was especially poor and the budget felt even lower than in the other films we've watched judging by the repeating wardrobe and minimal sets. It also had a moment that nearly killed Adam, so that's something.

The film follows Bella, a law student and OnlyFans model who doesn't do nudes and is bullied by her classmates like all the girls in these films. She has a crush on Fred, a classmate with rich murderer smile, but has accidentally made Nate, another classmate who can actually pull off 90s hair curtains, think she's into him. They end up in a relationship that she wants to get out of, but he has been into her for a long time. She has a modeling partner named Shadow who is actually Nate in a mask, and thankfully she's an idiot and can't figure this out. The film goes on like this for a while with Bella trying to find a way but of the relationship, getting bullied by classmates and Nate's mom, and Nate being seemingly not confused about them dating for a month and never even kissing. At this point the film can maybe make sense if you imagine that they are all really religious, which is why they're so innocent even though they are law students (who wear school uniforms and are treated like middle schoolers by their one professor). Eventually Bella realizes she has feelings for Nate and this should mean the story is over but there was a super minor B-plot here. Some guy has been abusing girls and unrelatedly Bella was afraid Nate was killing people who he doesn't trust with no evidence? It's not a well developed subplot. Obviously Nate wasn't hurting anyone and somehow Bella represents herself at a trial sending the evil guy to jail who was in cahoots with the professor. It doesn't matter. What does matter is that Nate reveals himself to be Shadow by taking off his mask in front of Bella and she responds with, "Where did Shadow go?" and we all cracked up but no one more than Adam who nearly died of laughter. The movie got a full spoon for that alone.

While this movie was definitely weaker than others, it was still well worth a watch. Still would have preferred The Fae King is my Shadow Daddy or The Mafia Owns My Body though.

Spoon Rating: 7 

White Men Can't Dance [2012]

It took the longest time to figure out what this movie was actually about and the tone it was going for and even then, it wasn't exactly consistent. Either way, this is a passion project with the same guy writing, directing, and starring in the film and you can see what he likes in the script: breakdancing, younger women, character comedy, and family. Let me explain.

In the beginning we are introduced to Pete, a guy who has a pretty good life with his parents, much younger wife, and daughter who can't act. We get some wacky hijinks that made us wonder if the film was going to be silly and Who Killed Roger Rabbit-esque but that was mostly just the beginning. Things turn quickly when his workaholic father dies of kidney stones, two heart attacks, and abdominal bleeding all at once and Pete decides to off-road his SUV by a river and cry. His wife then gets bad news: their daughter needs a kidney operation that will cost $120,00 out of pocket and they need $50,000 to make up the total. In spite of owning a house, they don't know how they will pay for this and instead of talking about it, Pete decides to enter a breakdancing competition to win $40,000 and borrow the other $10,000 from his friends. Pete also has an idea of his stolen at work and he gets fired by the idea thief. He also doesn't discuss this with his wife, but he does break into his office in annoying disguises, eventually resulting in his rehiring. After all his disappearances to practice his dancing, his wife starts to think he's having an affair. At no point does this man ever come clean about what he's doing and there's no backstory to explain why he wouldn't tell her. It's agonizing. The last half hour is just breakdancing where we are treated to the fact that Pete can dance, but he can't dance nearly on the level of the young guys he's up against. He loses the competition but the winner gives him the prize money because he heard about the guy's daughter. Right after, the wife gets a call saying they got approved for a grant to pay for the surgery, reveling that while Pete was trying to win a breakdancing competition at 55, his wife was putting in the work to actually pay for the surgery. Men will do anything but go to therapy and talk to their wives. I guess white men really can't dance.

Overall, it was pretty good but at times just baffling more than funny. We ended the night watching videos of the Australian breakdancer at the 2024 Olympics getting absolutely smoked by her younger competitors, which really felt like the film in short honestly. Highly recommend.

Spoon Rating: 4 

Magic Ex: Fangs And Claws Both Besotted With Me [2025]

I know I say that ever vertical drama is insane, but this one is particularly wild. While the other ones had crazy but consistent plots, this one's plot seems to veer back and forth without a strong central narrative. The acting gulf in this one is so wide too, and the costumes are this disparate mesh off "gothic" and "fairy" looks inspired by every time period from medieval to Victorian that could be purchased at a party supply store or Charlotte Russe in 2005. Let me attempt to explain what happens.

The film starts with Leia, the human main character, deciding on suicide by drowning after her mother-in-law says she will have to divorce her Alpha werewolf husband because she's a dirty human and he needs to make a productive werewolf alliance marriage. While in the water she gets blessed by a red light and is rescued by some servants who see she is now wearing a red gem ring (we find out way later she was blessed by a witch). With god-like powers, she goes home to ruin the engagement party of Sean, her ex she's not actually divorced from because werewolves can't actually get divorced from their mate, and Cecelia, the high-ranking werewolf he's set to marry. She does this by dropping a teacup. In the morning, she dramatically drops plates of food at breakfast rather than serve them. The scandal. Also, she has a facial scar that seems to be from Sean attacking her or something and it's gone now, but she doesn't want anyone to know so she wears a see-through mask. For no clear reason, she removes the mask later and it has a major Clark Kent effect because literally no one recognizes her even though she looks the same. She also decides she's going to divorce Sean which . . . is what everyone wants anyway? Either way, then she revives the King's son with her magic kiss so he now wants her. But also, her ex still wants her too and they have a moment of accident shower spray that results in a porno shot. Then she saves an urchin girl from being bullied and adopts her. Try to keep up. Leia's bio son, Elio (he's supposed to be 7 but he's like 13), is jealous of the adopted girl, Zoe, and conspires with Cecelia, a grown-ass woman, to hurt her. Zoe lied about her parentage in order to hook up Leia with the vampire king. Leia bumps him into a pool and now he wants her too. Also, Sean didn't actually want a divorce; he was being forced into the marriage and never though to just tell his wife that. Cecelia has her villain turn and conjures up a bunch of dark wizards we've never seen before to stage a coup on the king but Leia defeats them immediately with her magic ring. All three men still want her but she decides to just be single and use them as slave labor, which is actually based.

Putting aside the randomness of the plot, I want to talk about the stunning lack of supernatural stuff in these vertical dramas. You see, effects cost money and laying down unique lore is hard so we get werewolves who never actually turn into wolves with dubious rules about mates and hierarchies, vampires who can go in the sunlight and wear fake teeth that are actually worse than fake teeth I got at Spirit Halloween in 2008, and wizards who wear Alibaba bulk masks with their thin polyester capes and don't do magic. It's terrible. I love it. The whole of the effects in this movie are some red lines to show Leia's power, one almost interesting moment when a servant girl's arm turns into a werewolf fist, and a poof effect on the defeated wizards. Is the supernatural element literally just to dress them in corsets and brocade vests that no self respecting goth would wear? Do these werewolves have the life expectancy of vampires to justify their modernized old-fashioned attire and castles, which are usually just Bran Castle in Romania from different angles? I guess we can only have so many billionaire and mafia romances.

Spoon Rating: 8 

A Groom For Christmas [2024]

Nollywood or Christmas? Why pick? This movie is really just a Hallmark movie in Nigeria so it has all the conventions and silliness you would expect from that.

The plot centers around Lotanna, a lawyer who's secretly in love with Adaeze, his best friend and a mechanic who picks the worst men. The film starts with Lotanna skipping out on game night with his silly friend who's always eating in his office to comfort Adaeze after a breakup with beer and dish washing. Before Christmas, Lotanna goes away on a three week trip and in the meantime Adaeze meets his cousin, Nebolisa, a surgeon who has been living in Paris the last 14 years but has come home to meet a nice Nigerian girl. They hit it off way too quickly and by the time Lotanna comes back, Nebolisa is proposing on Christmas with plans for a wedding on New Year's Day. This is insane behavior, and even if Lotanna wasn't speaking from a place of secret love, he is perfectly in the right to question his friend and cousin's choices. As the minutes were ticking down, we were really looking for the gap to allow this wedding to stop. In movies like this you usually have the fiance turning into a jerk, but Nebolisa is a good dude the whole time. We wondered if there might be a class difference element coming in, but Lotanna's mom/Nebolisa's aunt is super supportive the whole time. We even wondered if classism might be why Lotanna didn't admit his feelings since his mom is trying to set him up with a law student (seemingly his mom is a professor), but this isn't mentioned either. Basically Lotanna never admitted his feelings out of sheer fear of rejection. Honestly, it does make sense in a while since they have been friends for ten years and that admission could ruin a beautiful friendship, but if you are having a breakdown at the thought of her finding someone else, you maybe were always going to lose. Either way, at the wedding Lotanna shows up to support his friend and Nebolisa says he can't marry Adaeze because he knows he's not the one. Lotanna and Adaeze end up together and thankfully don't get married immediately on the spot. Everyone is happy expect Nebolisa, I guess, but he'll be fine probably.

As I mentioned earlier, this film has a lot of Hallmark level silliness and contrivances but with the wonderful Nollywood addition of incongruous music. Overall, a fun, barely Christmas vibe, outside of some terrible caroling. 

Spoon Rating: 6 

One Of Us Likes You [2025] & Fated To Miss: The Luna In his Dreams [2024]

As our picks get more obscure, my ability to find good images for them starts to wane. Our first short film of the night was "One Of Us Like You." After an awkward meeting between a girl who curiously can't find her house and a guy who seemingly has multiple personalities, a date ensues. Her entire backstory is a little off, and he is constantly switching between Eli (the normal, nerdy guy who likes her), a morning routine filming pick up artist, a stereotypical anxiety-ridden glasses wearer, and eventually fourth personality based described as jerkass. She's completely cool with his DID, but then reveals that she was his online friend who disappeared one day. Apparently he finds this too weird and kicks her out. Months later he has a new girlfriend who is annoying and he has gone back to making friends online, seemingly talking to the girl he rejected for stalking him.

This film had a couple funny moments but wasn't really bad enough. Just odd.

Spoon Rating: 3

Our second film, however, was an absolute banger of a vertical drama. Titled on YouTube as "Forced Love: True Love Is Around" but actually called Fated to Miss: The Luna In His Dreams, this is a werewolf romance where no one ever turns into a wolf. Two young werewolves named Snow and Silver make a blood pact to be together when they find each other again as they run away from a hunter. Years later, Daniel Bloodthrone, Alpha of his clan, is engaged to marry Amelia Hurricano, who is adopted and her dad hates her and wants to marry her off. Neither of them want this because they are looking for their true loves, Snow and Silver respectively. How long can a misunderstanding trope go on for you ask? Oh, so much longer than is reasonable. 

Right before the wedding, Amelia is tortured by a girl named Lilith who wants Daniel, and Lilith gets her blood oath ring in the process. Both Lilith and Daniel's beta, Leon, are in love with Daniel and want to break up the marriage. Over time, Daniel and Amelia organically fall in love, deciding to forget about their true loves and blood oaths and just bang. For a second, everything is perfect as they realize they were Snow and Silver all along, until Lilith shows up spouting memories that Snow had and wearing Snow's blood oath ring. Daniel, being the stupidest man on the planet, is now confused about whether Amelia or Lilith is actually Snow. Amelia is very rightfully pissed. She has an altercation with Lilith that ends with Lilith stabbing her in the collarbone and killing Elizabeth, Amelia's maid and friend, which rightfully drives Amelia to rage. This is broken up by Leon confessing his feelings for Daniel, who is again confused, and then Leon himself because he knows he can never be with Daniel. 

Later, Amelia and Daniel bump into each other at Elizabeth's grave and Daniel begs Amelia to take him back. And for once in one of these vertical dramas, we get acting that feels real as Amelia dumps him, says she can't trust him, and tells him to grow up. Daniel responds by stabbing himself, a very mature counterpoint. Amelia basically says, "Here's a tissue to stop the bleeding, and I'll go get a doctor, but I'm out." She leaves him and nine months later gives birth to a girl. A true happy ending. 

This was excellent. It had all the hallmarks of a vertical drama - the weird acting, the melodrama, the poor editing - but it has the added benefits of dumb werewolf lore and a main character who turned out to actually be a genuinely reasonable person who won't put up with a stupid man's shit. What a win.

Spoon Rating: 8 

Selfless Love [2022]

We have found a new world of bad movies to explore: Nollywood. Sure, we've watched Hollywood films that suck but want your eyes on them and will use violence and explosions to do it. We've watched Bollywood movies that are out to entertain you with every genre at once in three hours of unrelenting activity of all kinds. But now we have Nollywood and on the basis of one film, they are also out to entertain you no matter what but specifically with insane interpersonal drama. This movie is the Nigerian The Room.

In the very first scene we get a woman putting together a plate and then another woman entering and getting mad at her for eating her food. That's the start. That's how we are introduced to the main conflict. The eater is Rebecca and the cook is Aurelia. Aurelia is married to Rebecca's brother, Maxwell, a man with no backbone and a permanent kicked puppy expression while the women around him are upset and he does nothing to help. Shortly after this intro to our mains, Stella, Maxwell's cousin, moves in so Rebecca has a partner in crime. They convince Maxwell that Aurelia has demons and needs an exorcism, which they do on the balcony of their razor-wire protected compound. Maxwell kowtows to Rebecca because she raised him like a mother and he feels in debt to her so he is seemingly bankrolling all three women out of a sense of duty. Max then goes away for a while and Aurelia finds out that after three years of trying, she's finally pregnant. She doesn't tell Rebecca because she wants it to be a surprise for Maxwell so Rebecca just thinks she's being lazy and makes her life hell. Aurelia has a miscarriage and again, doesn't tell Maxwell so there's even more of a strain between them. She asks Maxwell to make Stella leave and he tries but, of course, Rebecca flips out. Eventually Maxwell stands up to Rebecca and she responds by immediately stabbing herself in the stomach. The doctor, a friend of Max, tells him about the miscarriage that was caused by Rebecca, and Maxwell finally decides to kick out his sister and chose his wife. The film ends with Rebecca and Stella getting mugged and Aurelia is pregnant again.

Recounting the events really doesn't do this film justice: it is insane. The face acting on Rebecca and Stella alone is worth it. This movie is so over the top in its drama that you are never bored. The music stings are abrupt and the background score sounds full Casio aside from the one song with lyrics that they paid for so they play it a minimum of four times. There are establishing shots as scene transitions when there are only three locations in the whole film (the house and the area in front of it, an alley where the priestess lives, and the doctor office). Minus the sex scenes, it really is The Room with a different plot. Please watch it. We will be looking into more Nollywood films for sure.

Spoon Rating: 8