Marked By The Demon Alpha [2025]

I can't even find the year for this movie so I guessed. It doesn't even have an IMDb page. But regardless, we watched it and were very disappointed that it wasn't about demons at all. It was barely about wolves. 

Serena gets artificially inseminated by accident with the sperm of the Alpha, Bart. Yes, Bart. And no, we are never given an explanation of what being Alpha means or what he controls. Her bully, Selena, is mad because she wanted to steal that sperm. Bart comes to Serena to offer her a marriage contract and money to have the baby, saving her from her raping stepbrother and abusive stepmom. The film then mostly involves Serena getting further picked on my Selena and her mom Linda, who discovers that the girls are half sisters from when her husband cheated on her. There's a barely touched B plot where Bart is jealous of his right hand man because of some coincidental moments between him and Serena. Selena also attempts to rape Bart twice. And yet, nothing is done about the villains. Bart and Serena's relationship barely goes anywhere and truly Bart is the least heterosexual seeming of all the leading man we've seen. They don't even consummate the marriage at any point, but I guess they don't have to when she's already pregnant. With most of the movie over, Serena's mom, Emma, comes in for no real reason and we get a deus ex machina of an ending where Emma uses the Queen (there's a queen in this world) to get Selena and Linda arrested or executed or something. Serena gives birth. Happy family ending.

This movie was far longer than it needed to be at only an hour and a half, probably because it was plotted like it was bring written in installments with no planning, even more than other vertical dramas we've seen. There were a few laugh out loud moments though, some ugly costumes for our lead, some barely understandable Eastern European accents, and the stunning lack of chemistry. Overall, not bad.

Spoon Rating: 6 

Note: I can't verify the accuracy but I just read this blog post about vertical dramas that could explain a bit about what's going on here. I really want a deep dive YouTube video or something on the topic. 

Morbius [2022]

Funny to think there was a time when Marvel movies and Jared Leto independently were not total embarrassments, but alas the 2020s are a special decade. Now they have teamed up for the ultimate cringe and it was honestly pretty funny but even more importantly it gave us a lot of materials to be hilarious.

Morbius follows a biochemist with a rare blood disease who starts the film collecting bats in Costa Rica by tempting them with a giant open gash on his hand. Not everyone with a doctorate is intelligent, you know. In a flashback we see Michael Morbius in a hospital in Greece (no town name, just Greece) and he makes friends with a kid with the same disease named Lucian who he renames Milo and then everyone just calls him that for the rest of the film with no explanation why he chose to stuck with this fake name all throughout adulthood. As adults Milucian is a rich guy who funds Morbius' research through which he has created synthetic blood but has not cured their disease. Morbius decides to experiment with the bats and stupidly injects himself with his serum while on a boat, leading to him getting jacked and bat-faced and killing a bunch of people because he's hangry. He also flies around sans wings and leaks some kind of pigmented gas. I have no explanation. With this bat form unlocked he is able to walk and finally doesn't feel sick, but he needs to ingest blood every couple hours or he starts to deteriorate. Milo finds out and wants a hit of that sweet serum, but Morbius says no because this is no way to live. This is actually insane. Before the serum, he needed transfusions three times a day to stay ill and now he needs to drink blood four times a day to be healthy and strong. The downsides don't exist unless you starve yourself and get batty. Milo, in true rich kid fashion, takes the serum anyway and it makes him evil, I guess revealing he was a jerk all along since the serum didn't change Morbius' personality as long as he stays well fed. They fight for the entire second act. Then we get some post credit scenes that only make sense if the Marvel franchise is your personality. Weirdly, there are no 30 Seconds To Mars songs. And at no point did Jared Leto say, "It's morbing time." Truly the biggest letdown of 2022.

As I said, we created a lot of our own fun, but there was much laughter to be had from the evil bat faces, the plot logic, a scene of Morbius writing blood on a window in blood, and a scene where a flickering light was fixed by just flipping a switch. Can't believe this was a flop. 

Spoon Rating: 5 

Mafia Boss Owns My Body [2025]

We have been planning on watching this one for a while because how could we resist that title.

The plot is pretty meh for the first 45 minutes or so but then it delivers like Dominos. Our blandly pretty, perfect heroine needs money for her mom's surgery and she's a law school dropout whose dad is in jail for drugs. She gets a business card for a mafia boss who offers to help her pay for the surgery if she becomes his slave, both sex and spy. He asks her to become an assistant to the DA, some guy she was in law school with. He is nicer to her than the guy who rapes her and makes her do morally questionable things so she falls for him. Then out of nowhere he becomes an insane person in Dahmer glasses and starts chewing every piece of scenery around. Mafia boss saves her from him and, oh ignore the assault and the murdering people because she's actually a really nice guy who's anti drug and the random guy he killed in the beginning was actually responsible for framing her father. Girl, the correct answer was run away.

In the end, this movie is worth it. The drama really kicks into high gear and makes up for the repetitive beginning and clearly low budget. Also, everyone looks barely old enough to drink alcohol so the thought that they are mafia leaders and lawyers is hilarious.

Spoon Rating: 6 

Executioners From Shaolin [1977]

It's been a while since we've watched a martial arts movie and this one is part o the infamous Pai Mei tradition, which plenty of people are only aware of because of Kill Bill 2.

In the beginning Pai Mei, a contract fighter for the emperor, kills the head of the Shaolin temple and then burns it down. The devotees of the temple escape, at one point hiding as a theater trope. They encounter a female martial artist who is trained in the crane style, as opposed to their tiger style, and she joins them. In a jump cut, she marries the head of the devotees and we get a long sequence about him trying to open her legs on the wedding night, but she's too strong. In another jump cut, she gives birth and vows to teach their son crane style. Her husband wants revenge on Pai Mei, and she says he will either need to learn her crane style or train tiger for ten years. He picks the later and in another cut, it's ten years later and he challenges Pai Mei, losing quickly and running off. Seven years later, he fights a lot with his son and decides to challenge Pai Mei again, this time dying offscreen. The son tries to learn tiger style so he can challenge Pai Mei but the guide his father left behind is kind of torn up so he creates his own version. The movie ends in the middle of the fight but we get a title card telling us that the son successfully killed Pai Mei. 

This movie manages to jump time like crazy while still being so simple. I guess we needed to save time for more fighting. The best part is Pai Mei's magic crotch, which appears to be a black hole that his opponent's feet get stuck in. Overall, a fair amount of silly.

Spoon Rating: 4 

The Fae King Is My Shadow Daddy [2026]

This is one we've been wanting to watch for a while because of its amazing title, and it was worth the wait. The plot is actually really simple, even in this vertical drama world of simple ideas. Eilana is a human going to be married off to fae Duke Matthias to create a peace treaty. He rejects her at the alter, asking for bloodshed, and the High King Caspian steps in to marry her instead and prevent a war. They need to bang to create an heir but keep getting interrupted because of dubious consent, intoxication, a stab wound, etc. Matthias and another royal named Zoya want to bring them down and in spite of numerous attempts, neither the King nor Eilana bothers to punish them in any way that will make them stop. At one point the King saves Eilana from a bog hag and they realize they are mates and Eilana also gets light power (to his shadow power, GET IT) by channeling his dead mom who approves of them from beyond the grave. Despite Mathias and Zoya's efforts, Caspian and Eilana boink at just the right time to make a baby and then they evade their sabotage again to have it and then again evade them to save their son from peril. Using a language loophole, which fae love, Eilana, in spite of turning a fae post pregnancy, kills them because only a born fae can't kill another fae. Happy ending.

This film was fascinating because it seemed to have a higher budget than previous vertical dramas. The sets, costumes, and effects weren't amazing or anything but they were well above some of the other movies we've seen. The other unique thing is that every actor had an accent, likely Eastern European. Here's the theory: they had more money for production because they got away with paying the actors less. They could have increased the wig budget though.

Spoon Rating: 7 

The Blind Beauty [2021]

Dipping back in the Nigeria well, and this time we have a repeat actor. The cousin from Selfless Love and her amazing facial expressions is back as another villain although a more subtle one as everyone in this movie kinda sucks.

The plot is centered around Beauty who's blind. I know, shocker. She lives a horrible life with her Nana, evil stepmother, and evil stepbrother. After a series of money theft and a smackdown between Nana and stepmother, we get to our main plot. There's a slightly better off couple in this village who really want a baby but can't get pregnant. There are witch allegations on the wife but also on seemingly every woman in this village. Thankfully for the couple, Beauty is pregnant so they decide to take her in and care for her with the ultimate goal of stealing her baby. There's some minor conflict here with the stepmother demanding money from them and moving in (although notably, we never see the inside of of any house and they only sit outside). After she has twins and admits that she was raped, she is kidnapped by way of the machinations of the wife who wants her killed so they can more easily take her babies. She escapes and then there's a hit put out on her rapist who is killed by two guys who are then captured by more guys. The movie then just kind of ends. They haul away the murderers and the credits roll. No real conclusion.

In spite of the serious tone you get from recounting the events, the movie is not serious. The beginning was pretty dry, but it does pick up once we hit the main plot.

Spoon Rating: 5

Turn Left To Mr. Right [2025]

This was not the film we meant to watch, but this isn't the first time we've watched the wrong vertical drama. There isn't the best quality control when it comes to labeling these films . . . or anything else really. So instead of The Fae King is my Shadow Daddy, Jill's pick as a guest and a film we will definitely watch at some point, we got this. Now, I'm not saying any of these films are well written, but the writing on this one was especially poor and the budget felt even lower than in the other films we've watched judging by the repeating wardrobe and minimal sets. It also had a moment that nearly killed Adam, so that's something.

The film follows Bella, a law student and OnlyFans model who doesn't do nudes and is bullied by her classmates like all the girls in these films. She has a crush on Fred, a classmate with rich murderer smile, but has accidentally made Nate, another classmate who can actually pull off 90s hair curtains, think she's into him. They end up in a relationship that she wants to get out of, but he has been into her for a long time. She has a modeling partner named Shadow who is actually Nate in a mask, and thankfully she's an idiot and can't figure this out. The film goes on like this for a while with Bella trying to find a way but of the relationship, getting bullied by classmates and Nate's mom, and Nate being seemingly not confused about them dating for a month and never even kissing. At this point the film can maybe make sense if you imagine that they are all really religious, which is why they're so innocent even though they are law students (who wear school uniforms and are treated like middle schoolers by their one professor). Eventually Bella realizes she has feelings for Nate and this should mean the story is over but there was a super minor B-plot here. Some guy has been abusing girls and unrelatedly Bella was afraid Nate was killing people who he doesn't trust with no evidence? It's not a well developed subplot. Obviously Nate wasn't hurting anyone and somehow Bella represents herself at a trial sending the evil guy to jail who was in cahoots with the professor. It doesn't matter. What does matter is that Nate reveals himself to be Shadow by taking off his mask in front of Bella and she responds with, "Where did Shadow go?" and we all cracked up but no one more than Adam who nearly died of laughter. The movie got a full spoon for that alone.

While this movie was definitely weaker than others, it was still well worth a watch. Still would have preferred The Fae King is my Shadow Daddy or The Mafia Owns My Body though.

Spoon Rating: 7