I missed very little in my first review of the film, which you can read by clicking the link, but we didn't have spoon ratings at the time that we first watched it so here you go.
Spoon Rating: 8
Tuesday, June 27, 2017
REWATCH: Undefeatable [1994]
[Cross-posted on the Bad Movie Night Facebook page.]
This week we did a rewatch of the classic Cynthia Rothrock movie, "Undefeatable." Keith and Grandma hadn't been around the week we watched it, something we had all forgotten, so for them it was actually a first watch. They had both been exposed to Rothrock in "China O'Brien" but this movie is superior in every way except the sound effects.
I missed very little in my first review of the film, which you can read by clicking the link, but we didn't have spoon ratings at the time that we first watched it so here you go.
Spoon Rating: 8
I missed very little in my first review of the film, which you can read by clicking the link, but we didn't have spoon ratings at the time that we first watched it so here you go.
Spoon Rating: 8
Monday, June 19, 2017
Repligator [1996]
[Cross-posted on the Bad Movie Night Facebook page.]
Upon trying to find the cover for this week's movie, "Repligator," I discovered something interesting: there's no Wikipedia page for this movie. That is never a good sign. We probably should have looked first before watching but I don't think it would have mattered. We were all so horrified and intrigued by the movie cover that there wasn't any way we weren't going to watch this, which is sad because it was a rough ride. It was mercifully not boring, but it was definitely written by a man who is actually an eleven-year-old boy who just discovered how awesome breasts are and wanted to combine them with his other favorite things: sci-fi, the military, and alligators. And this eleven-year-old boy-man also cast himself in the role where he gets to make out with all the women who find him irresistible in spite of him being the least appealing person in the entire movie. This is why some people make movies (N.B. It's definitely why Neil Breen and Tommy Wiseau make movies).
Basically the plot of this movie is that the military spent a bunch of money to make a "replicator," which is really a transporter, to be used in war but it has a weird glitch that turns everyone who uses it female. Another scientist combines the replicator with mind control software which basically results in a bunch of half naked, horny women. When they orgasm their DNA goes bananas and they turn into gator ladies who turn people into zombies when they bite you. The scientists solve the problem they created. That's it.
Here's a top ten list of the worst things about this movie:
1. When the military guys get turned into women, they suddenly embody all female stereotypes i.e. "let's go shopping!" etc.
2. And inexplicably change their sexualities so they are all into the male characters.
Basically the plot of this movie is that the military spent a bunch of money to make a "replicator," which is really a transporter, to be used in war but it has a weird glitch that turns everyone who uses it female. Another scientist combines the replicator with mind control software which basically results in a bunch of half naked, horny women. When they orgasm their DNA goes bananas and they turn into gator ladies who turn people into zombies when they bite you. The scientists solve the problem they created. That's it.
Here's a top ten list of the worst things about this movie:
1. When the military guys get turned into women, they suddenly embody all female stereotypes i.e. "let's go shopping!" etc.
2. And inexplicably change their sexualities so they are all into the male characters.
3. Some of the military people are unaware of the sex change after it happens??? Or how to pee as a woman????
4. Female nudity for no reason every two seconds.
5. Gay stereotype zombie.
6. Nagging wife joke that goes on for a painfully long time.
7. Already hot scientist lady who suddenly becomes hot when she takes off her glasses.
8. God, this movie was so sexist.
9. They had an opening scene and later they used the entire scene a second time as a flashback.
10. Did I mention how the writer cast himself as the guy all the girls want to bang? Yes? I needed to again.
Three good things about this movie:
1. The terrible paper mache gator heads.
2. Awkward falling.
3. An actual trans character who is relatively well presented especially considering that this movie was made in the 90s when trans people were still the punchline of horrible jokes. She even gets a happy ending with the guy she's in love with who is initally freaked out by the situation. The writer probably didn't even mean to be this inclusive since everything does end up completely hetero but still!
Regardless, no.
Quote: "If you have a sexual experience, you will turn into a walking alligator."
Spoon Rating: 1
Wednesday, June 14, 2017
International Guerrillas [1990]
[Cross-posted on the Bad Movie Night Facebook page.]
Here's a Bad Movie Night first: our first Pakistani movie. Like with Bollywood movies, this film was almost three hours long so we needed to watch it in two nights but unlike the Bollywood movies we have watched so far, it should have been much, much shorter. That's some real cultural exchange for you, I guess. In America there seems to be this unwritten rule that a movie needs to be at least an hour and a half to be considered the right movie length so a lot of films will be padded out to reach that timestamp. This movie would have been padded to reach an hour and a half but was instead padded to two hours and 45 minutes. Yikes. It took 50 minutes of movie before we even got a title card. Towards the end, everything was so repetitive and boring, Keith actually set a timer on his watch for the last 12 minutes. I say all of this because my description of the movie will not make it sound as long as it is and you need to be warned that this movie is a real undertaking.
The plot of "International Guerilla's" is simple but insane. The antagonist is British-Indian author Salman Rushdie who is some kind of evil mastermind who has many clones of himself and an Israeli army and is trying to destroy Islam. If the idea of a real author being the evil villain seems strange, here's a little history lesson: in real life Rushdie wrote a book called "The Satanic Verses" that pissed off a lot of Muslim leaders and lead to a lot of people wanting his head on a platter (He's fine, by the way. At the time this movie came out he even made a statement about this movie and how he supports free speech even when he is made into basically a comic book villain). The protagonists are three dudes and a chick who are styled as defenders of Islam. Most of the plot involves battles between the two sides occasionally interspersed with songs from this girl who sings about how she's so beautiful while doing very violent dances in various outfits. In a footnote it is also mentioned that she is Jewish and in love with one of the guerrillas but they can't be together because, fight. At one point two dudes from Dubai who smoke giant cigars come in, possibly as comic relief. At the end, the guerrillas are captured by the Israeli army and strung up on crosses and they all have a big "Life Of Brian" style music number about how Allah is great, complete with text appearing in the sky and a veil literally coming down from the heavens to convert the Jewish girl. I guess this means the guerrillas won.
From a production standpoint, the absolute best thing about this movie is that the director is obsessed with zooms. This movie tries to make it seem like everything that happens is dramatic and important but the only way this is done is through the use of zooms on someone's face which happens probably over 100 times during the film. Also, the dancing is nuts. We just wrote this off as a product of 1990 which was still suffering from the 80s. And it's really anti-Semitic but this time it's Muslims discriminating instead of Christians. We're really diversifying our repetoire of movies with terrible messages.
Quotes:
"I am a proprietor of salt, no potato chip."(we're assuming this is a bad translation but who knows)
Spoon Rating: 3.5
Here's a Bad Movie Night first: our first Pakistani movie. Like with Bollywood movies, this film was almost three hours long so we needed to watch it in two nights but unlike the Bollywood movies we have watched so far, it should have been much, much shorter. That's some real cultural exchange for you, I guess. In America there seems to be this unwritten rule that a movie needs to be at least an hour and a half to be considered the right movie length so a lot of films will be padded out to reach that timestamp. This movie would have been padded to reach an hour and a half but was instead padded to two hours and 45 minutes. Yikes. It took 50 minutes of movie before we even got a title card. Towards the end, everything was so repetitive and boring, Keith actually set a timer on his watch for the last 12 minutes. I say all of this because my description of the movie will not make it sound as long as it is and you need to be warned that this movie is a real undertaking.The plot of "International Guerilla's" is simple but insane. The antagonist is British-Indian author Salman Rushdie who is some kind of evil mastermind who has many clones of himself and an Israeli army and is trying to destroy Islam. If the idea of a real author being the evil villain seems strange, here's a little history lesson: in real life Rushdie wrote a book called "The Satanic Verses" that pissed off a lot of Muslim leaders and lead to a lot of people wanting his head on a platter (He's fine, by the way. At the time this movie came out he even made a statement about this movie and how he supports free speech even when he is made into basically a comic book villain). The protagonists are three dudes and a chick who are styled as defenders of Islam. Most of the plot involves battles between the two sides occasionally interspersed with songs from this girl who sings about how she's so beautiful while doing very violent dances in various outfits. In a footnote it is also mentioned that she is Jewish and in love with one of the guerrillas but they can't be together because, fight. At one point two dudes from Dubai who smoke giant cigars come in, possibly as comic relief. At the end, the guerrillas are captured by the Israeli army and strung up on crosses and they all have a big "Life Of Brian" style music number about how Allah is great, complete with text appearing in the sky and a veil literally coming down from the heavens to convert the Jewish girl. I guess this means the guerrillas won.
From a production standpoint, the absolute best thing about this movie is that the director is obsessed with zooms. This movie tries to make it seem like everything that happens is dramatic and important but the only way this is done is through the use of zooms on someone's face which happens probably over 100 times during the film. Also, the dancing is nuts. We just wrote this off as a product of 1990 which was still suffering from the 80s. And it's really anti-Semitic but this time it's Muslims discriminating instead of Christians. We're really diversifying our repetoire of movies with terrible messages.
Quotes:
"I am a proprietor of salt, no potato chip."(we're assuming this is a bad translation but who knows)
Spoon Rating: 3.5
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