Return Of The Roller Blade Seven [1993}

[Cross-posted on the Bad Movie Night Facebook page.]

There were a lot of revelations last night and while writing this post. First of all, because Adam bought this movie in a pack with "The Roller Blade Seven" and "Hawk: Warrior of the Wheelzone" in that order, naturally we assumed this was the sequel to "Roller Blade Seven." Turns out it is actually the second of two sequels, the missing one titled "The Legend of the Roller Blade Seven" and "Hawk" is an alternate version of the original "Roller Blade Seven." In spite of this, "Return of the Roller Blade Seven" supposedly takes place after "The Roller Blade Seven." That film actually ended with Stella Speed, an ally of Hawk, killing his bride, possibly while sitting next to Saint O'ffender, basically the priest of the dark religion. We were confused by this plot point but this movie may have cleared that up.

The biggest revelation is actually the meaning behind "roller blade seven." The roller blade seven is a spiritual level in the light religion and not a collection of people. Donaldo, the head of the light religion, explains this to "spirit guide." We were so awestruck we had to pause the movie.

Revelations aside, what is the plot of "Return of the Roller Blade Seven"? Well, it's mostly just a bunch of shots from fight scenes in "The Roller Blade Seven" and a desert bongo playing man referred to as Onibaba interspersed with pseudo-philosophical dialogue from Saint O'ffender who spends most of the movie trying to get Hawk to join the dark side. He tries to tempt him with his women and a really boring dance party as well as vague platitudes like "If you don't know what to do, don't do anything." At one point, all the women in the scene repeat this line individually and then as a group over 10 times. We occasionally see Donaldo wandering the desert and eventually talking to O'ffender which ends in a scene of them just shouting, "F- you" at each other. The scene also has superfluous text underneath that says random things like "bellybutton" on a shot of a girl's bellybutton, "hmmmm" when one of them is thinking, and other random words that just repeat what someone said. At one point Stella Speed dances to bongo man (usually he is alone but sometimes he has two women mostly wearing belts dancing next to him) and then joins O'ffender and Hawk for dinner. We decided this probably means that somewhere near the end of the last movie, she joined the dark side, which is why she killed Hawk's bride. We then get a shot of Donaldo seemingly dying in the desert and we are treated to what may be the weirdest scene in a very weird movie. A person in a giant smiley face costume rolls up and we are treated to a very creepy rendition of "Dem Bones" that goes on for well over five minutes. Donaldo seems to get healed from this. With very little explanation, Hawk is able to convert Stella and O'ffender to the light and the last scene is the four main characters in the new temple of light repeating their dialogue multiple times at the instance of someone who keeps whispering "Do it again." They left in every take.

This movie is baffling. It is less coherent than "Roller Blade Seven," a feat in itself, and yet somehow, even better as long as you fast forward through all the really long scenes with no dialogue. We spent a while trying to figure out if this movie could be watched in isolation and decided that no, you need the context from the original to understand anything going on here. But hey, "Roller Blade Seven" is still a ride. Have a double feature.

Spoon Rating: 8

REWATCH: The Roller Blade Seven [1991]

[Cross-posted on the Bad Movie Night Facebook page.]

Adam made the bold choice to purchase "The Roller Blade Seven" which came in a three pack with its two sequels: "Return Of The Roller Blade Seven" and "Hawk: Warrior Of The Wheelzone." Although none of us could remember it, my original write-up on the movie is actually really thorough so you can check it out here. 

One mystery that continues to remain unsolved is who are the roller blade seven? Hawk, the main character is one. The movie cover shows him with six women including the clown girl, pink leotard girl, a girl referred to as "spirit guide" and three others who may have been part of the evil S&M crew, but they are never established as a team or anything. I don't think they even all appear onscreen at the same time. Also, the pink leotard girl kills Hawk's mystery wife at the end so I don't imagine they're friends by that point. Why not just call it "The Wheelzone"?

This movie makes no sense.

I guess we can hope that the sequels might.

Tune in next week to find out. Oh, and skate or die.

Spoon Rating: 6

Twisted Pair [2018]

[Cross-posted on the Bad Movie Night Facebook page.]

Neil Breen. Breesus. The Breenius. Oh, after his 2013 masterpiece "Fateful Findings" we really didn't think he could live up to the standard he created. His 2016 movie "Pass Thru" was definitely quality and worth a watch, but it was heavily a retrend of classic Breen moments without much new to add to the conversation. We were afraid that Breen might have exhausted his creative powers. We were wrong. His latest film "Twisted Pair" is a whole new level of Breen: more "special" effects, less coherency, even more wooden actors. If "Fateful Findings" is his "The Room" with small supernatural elements, "Twisted Pair" is his "Birdemic" in terms of effects and coherency. Adam paid $35 for this movie and it was worth every penny. On that note, the DVD was clearly lovingy crafted by Neil Breen himself with a generic label, a CD case, and no menu, just a single video file that's named "DVD Video." See the pictures we took below. It looks like a pirated DVD you would buy at a state fair in 2005 but it was officially purchased from his website.

So what is "Twisted Pair" even about? Great question. It took us more than halfway through the movie to be totally sure even though the first ten minutes or so are entirely Breen's voiceover on stock footage of a neon fantasy screensaver and twin boys playing in the ocean with their dog. It turns out that Neil is Caid and his twin Cale. Both brothers were abducted by what seems to be some kind of benevolent alien forces who rearranged their DNA so they would be the ultimate crime-stopping beings. The voiceover keeps saying they were turned into humanoids which shows that Breen doesn't actually know what a humanoid is. Not only is Breen a more-than-human figure again, but this time he gets to play twice the amount of roles. 

Unfortunately, Cale was rejected by the alien's agency, which caused him to go kind of rogue in his justice doing things like tying up evil corporate people in his basement and letting them die there. He is played by Neil Breen in a hoodie with a fake bread and moustache. Also Cale has a bad relationship with his drug addict wife and stabs a homeless man with fake rat pets.

Caid meanwhile is on a mission to stop an evil alien (?) named Kooze (the credits actually spelled it Cuzzx, which makes me angry). Kooze has moving cat figurines, a distorted fake voice, a giant goblet of obviously plastic diamonds, and a fairy who is obviously a stripper and seems to serve no real plot fuction. Most of the movie involves Caid talking to various people, one from his agency and some evil people including his wife (spoiler), and then blowing up the evil institutions with really fake explosions. 

In the end Caid kills his evil wife and realizes Cale is still alive. It ends with Caid seemingly back on the alien planet and talking to the ghost of his wife for some reason. There's a teaser for "Twisted Pair 2" and credits that last a full four minutes that are all Neil Breen under fake company names again.

I'm not sure if any of this makes sense but that's part of the charm. The movie is shot entirely at night and on the Nevada State College campus and in a house which might be Neil's or may be a house he's showing (remember he's actually a real estate agent). Aside from even more stock footage than usual, there is an insane amount of green screen and it is so fake every time. One of the first times it's really used is when Neil is cuddling an eagle and we almost passed out from laughing so hard. I literally can't convey every amazing thing about this film in one post, but it was so good I actually suspected that Neil might be becoming self aware. It seemed over the top even for him.

Anyway, if you can find a way to watch this, do. We'll be waiting in anticipation for the sequel.

Spoon Rating: 9

I didn't already have Neil Breen Bingo so here you go!

Beethoven's 5th [2003]

[Cross-posted on the Bad Movie Night Facebook page.]

A while ago Adam had a theory for a bad movie night choosing technique: watch the fifth installment of a movie series without watching any of the prior four. Somehow the Beethoven movies came into this, probably because of the dog factor. If we're going to suffer through a movie, there may as well be an animal front and center.

The plot follows a little girl who gets kicked out of summer camp for refusing to poop in a hole in the ground and her big dog as they are sent to stay with her weird uncle for the rest of the summer. He lives in a town once known for mercury harvesting and everyone who lives there is mildly insane from the librarian obsessed with cat taxidermy to the man who scuba dives in the lake daily to prepare for global warming's inevitable reckoning to the lady who makes moonshine in the woods for the aliens. At no point do they address the obvious correlation between mercury and the weirdness of the town. One day Beethoven finds a large $10 bill with Jackson on it that turns out to be a rare bill, likely part of a stash hidden by a famous husband and wife bank robbing couple who supposedly drown in the lake in the 1920s. The girl, her uncle, and the neighbor boy try to get Beethoven to find the stash but they somehow always get thwarted. Eventually Beethoven is kidnapped by the mayor who wants to find the stash and get out of the town because he resents not being able to get a decent latte. The mains find him, Beethoven leads them to the money, and eventually everything works out with the money going to the town. Everything in between is a lot of fluff with strange townspeople, a slight subplot about the uncle being into the sherrif whose dad was a famous wrestler he idolized, and a lot of the girl getting accused of being an outsider. In the end, she and Beethoven go home with the town having accepted them. Probably because they made them rich.

The movie had a few somewhat funny bits, but it wasn't really worth the time. You'd be better off watching dog videos on YouTube for an hour and a half. As for Adam's theory, we are going to try executing it a few more times. We have a few "fifth installment" movies on the back burner but they will have to wait until we watch Neil Breen's latest and a rewatch of "Roller Blade Seven".

Spoon Rating: 3