Princess Warrior [1989]

Initially we were going to do a Dingo Pictures double or triple feature but since both Erik and Tom didn't come, we decided to go with something less likely to be a winner and we returned to our old favorite, Occult Demon Cassette. This time instead of watching one of their shorter features, we turned to one of their movie night suggestions, Princess Warrior. It was between that and Alien Warrior, but Princess Warrior seemed more unique and came with an NSFW tag.

A lot of bad movies end up feeling a lot longer than they are, but this one somehow felt shorter and it's already short at an hour and 23 minutes. Almost nothing happens, but it's not exhausting in the way you would think because there's just enough shiny to distract. The alien queen of a matriarchical society where men are slaves passes her crown to her good younger daughter and her evil older daughter is jealous. The princess goes to earth, meets some Philip J. Fry character who she falls in love with in one night, and then rides around on his motorcycle trying to escape her evil sister and her two droogs, Eczema and Bulimia. That's the whole plot. Throw in two trigger happy cops chasing everyone around, two Italian-American stereotypes, and a wet t-shirt contest that goes on for way too long, and you have the entire film. It's borderline sexploitation with the amount of shoehorned-in nudity but didn't really commit enough. Really, we were most upset that the very defined gender politics ultimately weren't a driving force at all. We were expecting the princess to be more commanding or for one of the women to be absolutely shocked by being objectified on earth or for the aliens to be confused by a man in a position of power but no. This film doesn't care about culture.

Overall, it's worth your time but only once. It's not painful and we got a few good laughs.

Spoon Rating: 5

Blood Street [1988]

Our first pandemic movie was Low Blow, which introduced us to Leo Fong. We guessed, rightly, that he would be a good source to return to and so our film for last Monday was Blood Street, a movie he directed, wrote, and starred in.

The film attempts to be a neo-noir except without any of the clever writing. Mostly you get a lot of dick jokes in reference to our main character's occupation as a private eye. Our film starts with an insanely long text scroll that is trying to explain the entire backstory of our plot: we're in a slightly more gang-ridden San Francisco and there are two bad guys named Aldo MacDonald and some Australian who are in a drug war. Fong, who's name in the film is Joe Wong, is approached by a very skinny lady who wants him to find her husband and seemingly offers sex in payment. Trying to explain the plot from here is actually really difficult. The film would cut to a scene, and we would get no information about where we are or who anyone is. It took us forever to identify MacDonald as a man who is always getting a massage. At one point, the film stops for a flashback about Wong's dead daughter. Unsurprisingly, MacDonald is the woman's husband and it turns out she was looking for him in order to kill him. She also has a safety deposit box full of money that Wong, uh, steals, because it's stolen money. Somehow he knows this. There are a lot of random scenes of violence and one very long scene of the Australian guy making out with a girl in a hot tub, but the plot was honestly really hard to follow even for Sarah, the Plot Follower.

Overall, this movie was a pretty solid watch. We got a lot of laughs out of the randomness, the rapid scene changes, the bad noir writing, and the bad acting. We even got a boom mic! The place where this movie falls apart somewhat is that scenes have a tendency to be so drawn out that you can easily space out for a minute and tune back in without really missing anything. Still definitely worth one watch though.

Spoon Rating: 6.5

REWATCH: The Roller Blade Seven [1991]

For this Monday's movie we decided to return to the Zen Road Warrior: The Roller Blade Seven. It seemed appropriate for a rewatch since Erik couldn't come because of college student things and Tom was actually able to come in person for the first time because of spring break (so, teacher things). 

I've already written tons about this movie so if you want to read my previous posts the original is here and the last time we rewatched it is here.

Afterwards, we went down a little spiral of watching shorts which lead us to the YouTube channel where we found DoomBox, Scales Advertising. We watched all the little bits of advertising they had made with one of them (for lead wipes) actually funny enough to watch again.

Km: A Medical Review ("An Idea Whose Time Has Come" [1990])

Here is the full review on Km, the miracle product from "An Idea Whose Time Has Come" as penned by Sarah, our physician on staff.

Adam found this lovely elixir on Amazon and ordered it for us to try on Bad Movie Night after watching the delightful video of exposition describing all of its wonderful properties while never telling you what the “product” is.  When we received the bottle we found P65 Warnings for CA stating this product could cause cancer and reproductive harm.  Being the nerdy Nurse Practitioner that I am, I opened up my handy dandy drug book guide for natural products: The Review of Natural Products: The Most Complete Source of Natural Product Information (2014). This book reads like any pharmaceutical reference book might, with indications, side effects, dosing, counter indications, as well as listing any scientific research done and the quality of that research. So, with that in mind I have listed below the ingredients of this magic Elixir and their reported uses (doesn’t mean it does what it is used for) and common side effects. I hope you enjoy as much as we did.

In order listed on the bottle:

TLDR: Many ingredients supposedly help you pee more, decrease inflammation, lowers blood pressure and blood sugar. A few can give you a heart attack, several can cause abortion or are just listed as “dangerous during pregnancy”. 1 can cause cancer. And lets not forget that several cause nausea and vomiting, the most common side effect of anything ever.

·       Chamomile:

              Uses: used topically and in mucous membranes for inflammation, can be used in irrigated for anogenital inflammation, used internally for intestinal spasms and inflammation

              Side Effects: Can cause severe allergic reaction and mild skin allergic reaction.

              Safety in Pregnancy: Unreferenced adverse reactions have been reported                            

·       Sarsaparilla:

       Uses: has been used to treat syphilis, leprosy, psoriasis and other ailments

       Side Effects: No major side effects have been reported but unusually high dose could possibly be harmful.

       Safety in Pregnancy: Information regarding safety in pregnancy is lacking

·       Dandelion:

       Uses: has been used for its nutritional value as well increase urniation, regulation of blood sugar, liver and gall bladder disorders, appetite stimulation, abdominal complaints.

       Side Effects: Mild allergic skin rash, stomach discomfort.

       Safety in Pregnancy: Generally recognized as safe or used as food.

·       Horehound:

       Uses:used as flavoring, expectorant (loosens mucus), vasodilator (lowers blood pressure), sweating, increased urination and treatment for intestinal parasites, lowers blood sugar.         

       Side Effects: Large doses may cause cardiac irregularities (this is bad)

       Safety in Pregnancy: information is lacking, but should avoid use but is known to cause increased menstrual bleeding and abortion

·       Licorice:

       Uses: used historically for stomach issues, primarily used as a flavoring. It has been investigated in use as a cancer treatment and antiviral drug.

       Side Effects: At low doses or normal consumption few side effects have been reported. Excessive doses can cause high blood pressure and low potassium.

       Safety in Pregnancy: Should be avoid. Increases estrogen activity and can cause abortion

·       Seneca snake root:

       Uses: stimulates stomach secretions and smooth muscle contractions, can promote appetite and tone digestive organs. In large dose can increase blood flow, sweating, and increased urination

       Side Effects: can affect the kidneys and irritate the intestines

       Safety in Pregnancy: particularly dangerous to women who are pregnant (no specifics listed)

·       Passion Flower:

       Uses:multiple traditional uses such as anxiety, dietary fiber, lowering blood sugar, decreasing blood pressure.

       Side Effects: Nausea, vomiting, drowsiness, prolongation of the QT interval (can result in heart attack), Ventricular tachycardia ( second to last step before your hear stops) occupational asthma

       Safety in Pregnancy: causes stimulation of the uterus

·       Thyme:

       Uses: primarily culinary uses, has been used in cough mixtures and mouthwashes and treating fungal skin infections

       Side Effects: mild to severe allergic reactions

       Safety in Pregnancy: information is lacking

·       Genetian:

       Uses: to stimulate appetite, improve digestion, treat stomach complaints, stimulates increase menstrual flow, treat wounds, sore throat, arthritis and jaundice (caused by liver failure)

       Side Effects: Can cause Cancer, headaches, nausea and vomiting

       Safety in Pregnancy: documented adverse effects, avoid use (exact effects not listed)

·       Saw Palmetto:

       Uses: has been used to treat enlarged prostrate, erectile dysfunction, treat prostrate cancer

       Side Effects:generally well tolerated with occasional reports of stomach upset and headache

       Safety in Pregnancy: should be avoided as it affects androgen and estrogen metabolism

·       Alfalfa:

       Uses: to lower cholesterol, treating menopausal symptoms, lowering blood sugar, decrease inflammation.

       Side Effects: can be contaminated with salmonella and E.coli and cause high potassium

       Safety in Pregnancy: documented adverse effects such as stimulation of the uterus.

·       Dong Quai:

       Uses: pain control for arthritis, allergy suppressant,, treatment of menstrual disorders, treat asthma, blood thinner.

       Side Effects: fever, growth of breast tissue in men, increased bleeding when used with pharmaceutical blood thinners, increase risk of sunburn

       Safety in Pregnancy: stimulates the uterus, cause abortion, affects the menstrual cycle

·       Celery:

       Uses: increase urination, treat arthritis, sedating, nervousness, hysteria, lowers blood pressure.

       Side Effects: skin rash if cultivating or processing the plant. Certain compounds in diseased or damaged plants can be cancerous, large dose cause depression of the central nervous system

       Safety in Pregnancy: generally recognized as safe

Reference:

Beutler, J. A. (2014). The Review of Natural Products: The Most Complete Source of Natural Product Information (A. DerMarderosian, Ed.; 8th Edition). Clinical Drug Information, LLC.

Terror In Beverly Hills [1989]

After a few weeks of soft balls, we decided that it was time to take off the training wheels for Tom, our newest bad movie watcher, and branch out to something none of us has seen. Although it has steered us very wrong in the past ("Black Devil Doll From Hell"), Adam went back to The Bad Movie Bible to find "Terror in Beverly Hills," a Frank Stallone movie that he's only in for maybe twenty minutes and also starring Cameron Mitchell, who has been a joy in other films we've seen. 

The film starts with an incredibly long introduction taking place in Palestine. We are introduced to our antagonists, two men with a bone to pick about poor treatment they've received for being Muslim and Arabic. One of them is a former friend of Frank Stallone, our main character(?) and named Hack Stone, a guy who used to do secret missions in the Middle East. The former friend's wife and son were killed, and he decides to go to LA to kidnap the president's daughter with his terrorist friends in order to get some POWs released. The actual kidnapping occurs in a shop on Rodeo Drive that results in many amusing causalities and the police chopper that was tracking them loses sight of them because they got distracted by some topless girls on the flatbed of a truck. Back at the police station we get to see Cameron Mitchell yelling a bunch and a secretary who massages her keyboard keys rather than types with them. The president, who has redecorated the Oval Office to look like a 70s rec room and replaced eagle imagery with seagulls, calls up a general driving around a country club to active Hack Stone. Thankfully Hack Stone's cop friend had been tracking the terrorists to an old bean factory and spent a lot of time talking to Cameron Mitchell and the news crew who arrives. The cop pretends to be a medic and gets captured. Hack Stone eventually arrives at the factory, while terrorists kidnap his family on the side. Some cops go save the family in a scene with muffled sound for some reason, and Hack Stone saves the day because the lead terrorist commits suicide. 

This movie has some quality moments, many from Cameron Mitchell yelling at people. The technical aspects are often shoddy, Pepsi product placement is abundant, and there's a lot of silly violence. From a plot perspective, it seems like there isn't a single protagonist because the film was set up to be for Frank Stallone but his cop friend fills in the blanks. This film is definitely worth a watch.

Spoon Rating: 6

On a somewhat related note, Adam received his bottle of KM, the miracle product from "An Idea Whose Time Has Come". Sarah got out her natural ingredient guide and inspected everything in it. Many of the ingredients seemed to have abortive properties and one of the ingredients is on the p65 cancer warning list, which aligned with the "cancer and reproductive health" warning label on the bottle. Ultimately, Adam and Erik drank the recommended tablespoon and Kay drank it and spat it out. It tastes like mouthwash mixed with flowers but a little more viscous. It's not the worst thing ever from a flavor perspective but you probably shouldn't drink it anyway. We're still waiting on a surgery date for the removal of Adam's third arm.

REWATCH: "An Idea Whose Time Has Come" [1990], "The Rainbow Sponge", "Creating Rem Lezar" [1988]

Last Monday we had a triple feature of some of the best shorts we've seen. We started with "An Idea Whose Time Has Come," the most vague infomercial ever for some sort of mineral supplement called KM. It was no more clear this time around but we did manage to find the product on Amazon and Adam made the dubious decision to buy a bottle. Stayed tuned, I guess, for a review of it. After that we enjoyed the full version of "The Rainbow Sponge" where a women named Dee gets nearly orgasmic over a dense sponge that you can decorate with, and then we enjoyed the glorious musical masterpiece "Creating Rem Lezar". We're still pretty sure it's some sort of creepy religious thing, but as long as the kids are happy. Enjoy this subtle juxtaposition again:

All three of these are worth your time and might be best watched in the order we did so you can slowly descend into madness.