The Roller Blade Seven [1991]

[Cross-posted on the Bad Movie Night Facebook page.]

"This movie is meant to be watched with drugs." - Keith

Let me introduce you to a man with the post-apocalyptic vision of a samurai film obsessed George Miller but the directorial skills of "Spring Breaker"'s Harmony Korine on LSD: Donald G. Johnson, the director of this week's movie "The Roller Blade Seven." This is a man that I have gathered is more concerned with atmosphere than a coherent plot, a man who loves skating and swords, and a man who has no idea what he's doing when it comes to editing (triple cuts! No, wait, quadruple cuts! octuple cuts!), lighting (why is everything orange? VHS quality is fine, right?), sound (maybe 50 lines of dialogue; half are totally unintelligible), or character (weird costumes are how you show, don't tell). He also made the bold decision to show the credits throughout the entire movie whenever a new actor showed up. The man has vision.

So now that you're intrigued, I bet you're wondering what the plot of this "Mad Max" rip-off is, huh? We're wondering too. Sarah, Plot Following Expert, was able to keep us posted for the first 15 minutes but after that we were all lost in a haze of badly choreographed fights in the Los Angeles River at sunrise and clanging music that sounds like a bunch of genres through a prog rock filter. According to her, Biker Guy is sent on a mission to save Biker Nun who belongs to the Institute of Light from some Evil Dude working for the Big Bad. Biker Guy takes a pit stop to do shrooms with a girl whose sign outside her house reads, "Psychic or Not" and then mostly fights gangs and circus escapees for an hour. Said quirky characters include: Wiffle Bat-Wielding Clown Girl, Bag Face Banjo Man, The Black Knight, Pink Thong Leotard Girl, Metaltaur (metal Minotaur), Cow Camouflage Guy, and a bunch of extras from a Quiet Riot video. In the end Biker Dude gets married to someone. By this point we were in a zen-like state of "what?" and couldn't remember a world outside of this movie. Never have we encountered a movie that is simultaneously so very fascinating and so very boring.

The internet tells me that there was no script which is not surprising but what is surprising is that this movie has both an Estevez (Joe) and a Stallone (Frank) and there are two sequels. I guess some people really do appreciate art.

Have some images:

The pantless director gives advice (we think).

Wiffle Clown beats Metaltaur.

Biker Dude is tenderly fed 'shrooms.

Quotes:

"May the light shine bright on your bloodstained blade." *gives peace sign*

"On the dark side you can see nothing."

"Mask me!"

"Go forth and skate the path of righteousness."

"Bless the United Skates of America!"

Adam: "Who is that guy?"

*Screen displays the words "Utility Ninja."*

And the line that explains the entire movie: "Time is an illusion."

Adam's Grandma's Review: "It was okay."

Shoutout to Kay's friend Alex for randomly giving her a build your own donut kit in the mail so that we could have a delicious intermission.

 Adam and Sarah split a vanilla one. Kay's is the one bleeding chocolate.

Keith's is caramel and AMERICA flavored. Grandma just had caramel, hold the America.

It wasn't drugs but it definitely helped.