Kickboxer [1989]

[Cross-posted on the Bad Movie Night Facebook page.]

Last Monday we watched what I believe is the fourth Van Damme movie since Bad Movie Night started: "Kickboxer." Since this movie is about 75% filler, it's impossible for me to give a summary without explaining the entire movie. Van Damme is American (as always and inexplicably) and after his brother wins a kickboxing championship he decides to go to Thailand to fight Tong Po, the undefeated champion of Thailand. He gets paralyzed so Van Damme decides to learn Muay Thai from a master so he can avenge his brother. There are a few disposable side characters who contribute nothing but mostly the film is Van Damme training among the beautiful scenery of Bangkok. And in case you didn't get enough training montages the first time, there's also a ton of sequels and a planned reboot coming soon. All in all, "Bloodspot" is funnier and has slightly more plot if you want an 80s Van Damme fighting movie but at least there's plenty of hilarious Van Damme faces as he tries so very hard to emote.

Quotes:

"I'm in the best ship of my life! I'm a butter fighter!" (transcribed phonetically from Van Damme's dialogue)

"GOODBYE TO BUGS" (the last thing listed in the credits without explanation)

Adam's Grandma's Review: "Wasn't bad."

Disco Godfather [1979]

[Cross-posted on the Bad Movie Night Facebook page.]

We've been having a lot of bad movie milestones lately and last night's movie was another one: our first blaxploitation film ("Black Ninja" has elements of this, true, but doesn't count). I know; we can't believe it's taken this long either. 

The film in question was "Disco Godfather", a movie about a disco owner and reserve cop (played by the amazing and unfathomable Rudy Ray Moore) and his attempts to combat the selling and use of angel duss. Angel dusss becomes a problem when his nephew goes crazy on it and ends up in the hospital sharing the same hallucination with other angel dussss users (one of whom has a reverend and church choir circling her bed while praying for her soul because prayer is better than modern medicine). Mr. Godfather and a politician put on a rally to "Attack the Wack" or possibly "Wack the Attack" on angel dusssss. It's a little ambiguous whether they want to stop it or encourage it. The movie pretty much breaks down to 25% disco dancing, 25% street fighting (of which apparently you can get random joggers to join you in the cause of stopping angel dussssss), 25% hallucinations, and 25% actual plot. 

But all you really need to do to solve your problems? "Put your weight on it!"

Quote:

Police Chief: "I don't get you!"

D.G.: "I DON'T GET ME EITHER!"

Abduction [2011]

[Cross-posted on the Bad Movie Night Facebook page.]

Last Monday's movie was pulled directly from the category of "big budget films with less than a 10% rating on Rotten Tomatoes": the Taylor Lautner vehicle (see: desperate attempt to escape "Twilight") "Abduction". This bottom-of-the-barrel action movie starts when the main character happens to come across himself on a missing children website and starts wondering the important things like, "Why are there only two baby pictures of me?" and "Why am I Native American but neither of my parents are?" Suddenly everyone wants to shoot at him, no one can be trusted except Sigourney Weaver, and he has to spend a lot of time hiding in the woods and on trains with the literal girl-next-door who recently broke up with her boyfriend for talking about nothing but football. It's like they totally understand teenagers, you guys. Curiously, said Love Interest Not Essential To Story even gets tied up at one point and manages to escape on her own, thus proving that she isn't completely dead weight but can't even be used as a cliche plot device. The writing is stupid, the acting is mostly phoned in (Lautner cannot cry on demand without it being hilarious), and somehow every room manages to have at least 20 lamps turned on and still be too dark to see anything. But the worst part? No one got abducted. Not a single character.

Also notable: There was a song in it called "Blame It On The Boom Boom."

I, Frankenstein [2014]

[Cross-posted on the Bad Movie Night Facebook page.]

Yesterday was a Bad Movie Night first: an outing to see a bad movie in the theater! The movie in question was the critically panned "I, Frankenstein", the trailer of which had us all laughing and insisting that it was the perfect thing to go see and, as if we had planned it, there was no one in theater but us. The guy who sold us the tickets even told us that he thinks our crew was the most tickets he has sold for the movie so far.

This movie wanted so badly to be "Underworld" but instead of a fight between vampires and werewolves, it was between demons and gargoyles and somehow Frankenstein's monster (named Adam by the gargoyle queen and, yes, we all giggled every time someone said "gargoyle queen") was in the middle of it. There's also Bill Nighy hamming it up as the leader of the demons, a scientist chick who manages to not be a love interest and who is trying to reanimate things, and oh, so many stupid fight scenes. What made them even better was that the demons explode into ash and fire with the slightest touch while the gargoyles are made of freaking stone. Throw in a religious undertone, Frankenstein's diary which none of the four groups (gargoyles, demons, scientists, and Adam) can keep track of, and the "Dark Knight-iest" title drop ever in the final voice-over of the film and you have the perfect formula to have Mary Shelley rolling in her grave.

Glen Or Glenda [1953]

[Originally posted on Facebook on January 29, 2013]

Last Monday we treated ourselves to a bad movie classic by one of the worst directors, if not the worst, in the history of film, Edward D. Wood, Jr. (who also plays the title role). The movie was “Glen Or Glenda” a semi-autobiographical story that is mostly about a man who likes to wear women’s clothing, a hobby Ed Wood himself enjoyed. Considering this, you would think the film would be more . . . positive? Sympathetic? Instead it essentially says that there are two types of cross-dressers: men who wear women’s clothes because of some childhood difficulties that must be resolved by partners in adulthood and men who want to actually be women and they are probably either hermaphrodites or pseudo-hermaphrodites. Tumblr’s social justice brigade would have a field day of outrage. Also, this is only about half the movie. The rest is stock footage, Bela Lugosi waxing poetic about the horrors of life, and a curious S&M scene that Lugosi watches in traumatized interest. The plot is paper thin, dialogue and scenes are repeated so often you can get up and use the bathroom at any time, and the acting isn’t even slightly believable but somewhere beneath all that failure, is probably a decent message about acceptance. Too bad it’s probably covered in a stock footage superimposition of running bulls.

Quote: [Huge Bela face] "PULL THE STRING!"

Aliens Vs. Avatars [2011]

[Originally posted on Facebook on January 22, 2013]

From the visionary film maker who gave us "The Incredible Bulk" we have the better looking but probably even cheaper (three cheers for stock footage) "Aliens Vs. Avatars." A bunch of stereotype kids go on a camping trip and encounter an alien who like to steal body parts as a means of killing and the avatar of another alien (that looks like the aliens in "Avatar") who is trying to kill it with a robot called Robotar that is currently not working. Convoluted? Not really. We're all just here to see these obnoxious kids die anyway. At least the special effects are of the usual standard with shots of space that look like Windows Media Player visualizations. Overall, it's a weak effort but not nearly as memorable as "Bulk".

Death Bed: The Bed That Eats [1977]

[Originally posted on Facebook on January 14, 2013]

There are times when you know a movie is a winner from the title and last night’s film was one such case: “Death Bed: The Bed That Eats.” How could that not be the best bad movie ever? Because of a demon in the form of a man and the death of his human lover, a canopy-style sleep machine is also a death machine, killing its victims with its bubbling digestive fluid. The bed also eats chicken wings (spitting back the bones), drinks wine (re-corking the bottle afterwards like a jerk), needs Pepto-Bismal at one point (who left that in the vicinity of the bed?), attacks an escaping girl with his Mr. Fantastic-esque sheets (after a ten minute scene of her dragging herself away), and makes actual snoring noises (and moaning noises when aroused and please don’t contemplate that one too deeply). There’s also a guy who died of consumption -har har- living in the walls of the bed’s room and narrating everything like he thinks he’s in a Poe story, a guy whose hands dissolve in the death bed into comical skeleton hands, and plenty of unnecessary female nudity. All in all, this movie is exactly what you could hope for from the title and really deserves to be among the classics in bad movies like “Troll 2”, “Plan 9 From Outer Space”, and “The Room”. 

Best Line: “She can’t appreciate your clumsy sadism!”

Adam’s Grandma’s Review: “It was crazy, huh?”

We love the title “Death Bed: The Bed That Eats” but it’s kind of strange how no one thought to give it a title that was more . . . intentionally silly. Therefore, because of our love of “Death Bed: The Bed That Eats” we have decided that this premise should be a film franchise and we have all come up with some titles for the sequels:
“Death Bed: Bed Or Alive”
“Death Bed: Breakfast In Bed”
“Death Bed: Day Of The Bed”
“Death Bed: Dead Tired”
“Death Bed: Death By Consumption”
“Death Bed: Don’t Give A Sheet”
“Death Bed: Eat, Sheet, and Die”
“Death Bed: Eternal Sleep”
“Death Bed: Fed Up”
“Death Bed: Final Resting Place”
“Death Bed: Laid To Rest”
“Death Bed: Midnight Snack”
“Death Bed: Night Terrors”
“Death Bed: No Comforter”
“Death Bed: No Rest For The Wicked”
“Death Bed: Once Upon A Mattress”
“Death Bed: Return Of The Futon” (His nemesis)
“Death Bed: Sheet Happens”
“Death Bed: Short-Sheeted”
“Death Bed: Sleep When You’re Dead”
“Death Bed: Sleeper’s Digest”
“Death Bed: Slumber Party Massacre”
“Death Bed: Three Sheets To The Wind” (Drunk Bed)
And of course, the documentary about the movie: “Death Bed: Making The Bed”

The Avengers [1998]

[Originally posted on Facebook on January 7, 2013]

So there's this scene in the movie "Skyfall" where James Bond is running after a leaving subway in the London Underground and then jumps onto the back of it and a man waiting on the platform watches this scene and comments indifferently, "Well, he's keen to get home." Now imagine that scene was made into an entire movie.

Enter "The Avengers" but not the one you're thinking of. This movie is based off of the British television show but starring Ralph Fiennes (a.k.a. Voldemort and that guy from Schindler's List), Uma Thurman (and a horrible accent and an outfit she ironically stole from Black Widow), and Sean Connery (the villain who is apparently still mad Scotland isn't it's own country). It is the Britishest movie that ever Britished and it's terrible. Every line of dialogue is a clever quip delivered without emotion and the movie stops for tea at least ten times. In fact, it doesn't even feel British so much as it feels like it was made by an Anglophile who's never been to England or met a British person. So since this is the Britishest movie ever, can you guess what the villain wants to do? Control the weather to make it slightly more unpleasant! Oh the horrors. The 60s-ish outfits are interesting but that's the only nice thing one can say. The effects are the big budget kind of terrible and the acting is soulless but there is a moment called "the teddy bear scene" and the villain's defeat that really make it worth watching. We actually scolded the movie delightfully for these most irregular additions. Cheerio.

Christmas Vacation 2: Cousin Eddie's Island Adventure [2003]

[Originally posted on Facebook on January 1, 2013]

We're going to have to take this one slow . . like our main character.

This probably isn't the worst production we've ever seen (although the effects are comically bad) and it isn't the worst acted movie we've ever seen (the actors are trying pretty hard but try is the key word) but at the end of an hour and forty minutes we were all pretty much in agreement that this was the most painful movie we have watched so far. 

"Christmas Vacation 2: Cousin Eddie's Island Adventure" follows Cousin Eddie of the National Lampoon's "Vacation" movies as he gets into wacky hijinks and ends up getting a trip to Hawaii(?) for his family including Chevy Chase's daughter. This movie is a comic void. We could hardly find the bad effects funny because laughing during this movie just reminds us how none of the actual jokes written into the script warrant anything but a loud groan. There's exploding toilets, a gassy dog, and a sexually harassing grandfather, alongside the same stretch of street that resides in both the Midwest and Hawaii, a terrible green screen, and a hose that represents a urine stream.

When it ended, we all just hung our heads, screamed, or hid. Would recommend to someone who hates the world and wants to hate it more.

Adam's Grandma's Review: I didn't like it AT ALL. AT ALL.

The Island Of Dr. Moreau [1996]

[Originally posted on Facebook on December 26, 2013]


Last Monday we watched the 1996 version of "The Island of Dr. Moreau". Based on the classic H.G. Wells novel (but not adapted well), this film featured David Thewlis (a.k.a. Remus Lupin) stuck on an island of horrible abominations to mankind known as fat Brando and not-fat Val Kilmer. Oh, and some animal-human hybrids. There's some lofty ideas on the natures of humans and animals but mostly you end up walking away with all the gross details: seizure-inducing credits, Brando's ice bucket hat and Mini-Me sentient boil, Fairuza Balk's crazy eyes, a birthing scene that will make anything you watched in biology class seem tame and tasteful, a stuffed rabbit covered in ketchup, and every time Val Kilmer is on screen. Best if watched stone-cold sober so that the potential for hiding or screaming is reduced to stunned confusion.

NEWS: The Future Of Bad Movies

This is really culturally significant.

Also, available at a Barnes & Noble near you.

The Sound Of Music Live! [2013]

[Originally posted on Facebook on December 17, 2013]

The hills are alive with the sound of mediocrity.

Let me say this right away: the singing and the sets of this play/movie/tv special/attempt-at-Broadway-revival were great. The comedy comes partially from the amazingly out-dated and cheesy choreography (bobbing heads under a bed, people) and mostly from some really impressively poor acting, the prime culprit being our star, Carrie Underwood. Everything she said sounded fake. Parts appeared to be arranged in order to keep her singing so we wouldn't be subject to her attempts at emoting. Throw in at least one or two terrible child actors with migraine-inducing voices, a 16-year-old clearly fooling around with a 37-year-old in shorts and knee socks, and Stephen Moyer being stoic and broody (and undead . . . I think) and you have the rest of the silly. Christian Borle and Laura Benanti were a bit too good for the production and Audra McDonald kicked ass although her facial expressions had us laughing. Overall, it was only okay as a production but definitely worth watching for the unintentional comedy (the intentional comedy falls flat most of the time).

The Exterminator [1980]

[Originally posted on Facebook on December 10, 2013]

Yesterday movie of the week was "The Exterminator" (not to be confused with "The Terminator", 'The Destroyer", or a movie about a pest control specialist). After surviving Vietnam with his BFF, two guys stop the warehouse they work at from getting robbed and the robbers paralyze said BFF. The Exterminator goes on a killing spree of everyone even vaguely associated with his friend's problem as well as some evil pimps. There's a lot of incongruous background music (half the time the film thought it was a romantic comedy), a boring romance subplot because the cop on the Exterminator case and a vaguely British doctor, and a lengthy boring scene (as in tools but appropriately, the most boring scene in the movie). The worst missed opportunity occurs when the Exterminator goes to kill a bunch of people listening to "Disco Inferno" and he chooses to forsake his flamethrower of the previous scene for a gun. Also, he didn't say, "Disco is dead and so are you." So sad.

Adam's grandma's review: "Good. We should watch 'Exterminator 2.'"

No Retreat, No Surrender [1986]

[Originally posted on Facebook on December 4, 2013]

"No Retreat, No Surrender" distinguishes itself from our other bad movies by having probably the most misleading movie cover ever. Sure, Van Damme is in the movie but as the Big Bad's sidekick who does nothing aside from fighting in a final full contact martial arts competition. 95% of the movie is actually about this kid who moves to Seattle (there are no fewer than three establishing shots so you really know it's Seattle) after his dad's dojo is shut down by the Big Bad who wants to . . . use it as a drug front maybe? It's not very clear. This kid is obsessed with Bruce Lee to the point of grave-worshipping and week-long training montage hallucinations with his ghost. He has an awesome stereotype best friend who never stops dancing and is antagonized by a fat kid who loves cake. In the end he fights Van Damme. It's surprising that I can even say that much about it when the movie is so cut and pasted together that there are hardly any necessary scenes. No loose ends are tied up aside from the main character winning back his girlfriend during a break-dancing competition (the 80s!). The only other thing you need to know is that shouting out the battle cry of "No retreat, no surrender!" is always immediately preceded by running away, completely contradicting the statement. Good confusion tactic though. 

Adam's Grandma's Review: "Good for kids."

Eddie [1996]

[Originally posted on Facebook on November 30, 2013]

Movie Town has yet to let us down when it comes to finding movies on VHS that look like genuine crap before you even read the description on the back. Just from the cover of "Eddie" we knew it was about Whoopi Goldberg coaching basketball but while some of us theorized that it would be down-on-their-luck kids, it turned out to actually be the down-on-their-luck New York Knicks. Don't worry though, poor kids or professional adults, the plot is exactly the same so you may as well go to sleep. That is, if you can sleep over Whoopi's obnoxiously wailing sense of humor. And it's that same humor that she displays during a free-throw competition during a game that encourages the hick who bought the team to just HAND her the position of coach. More painful and boring than funny but not quite the worst thing we've ever sat through.

Deep Blue Sea [1999]

[Originally posted on Facebook on November 19, 2013]

Yesterday, the BMN crew watched "Deep Blue Sea", another addition to our list of "big budget bad movies." If you haven't seen it, you could substitute watching it for watching "Jaws", 'The Poseidon Adventure", "Titanic" and "Sharknado" instead and get the full effect. Of course, this film has Sam Jackson who is definitely tired of these motherfucking sharks on this motherfucking Navy apparatus. The level of unintentional comedy is through the roof and since the collective acting in this movie amounts to maybe one Kevin Costner, you won't care at all when the sharks start destroying people left and right. Also featuring LL Cool J (who's actually trying to act harder than pretty much everyone other than Sammy J) and a rap by LL Cool J about the evil, super smart sharks. It's exactly what you want.

Quote: "I don't like heights, especially falling from them."

Hercules Against The Moon Men [1964]

[Originally posted on Facebook on November 12, 2013]


You know, for a movie called "Hercules Against The Moon Men", this movie had plenty of Hercules and a distinct lack of Moon Men.

In this poorly dubbed "sword and sandal" flick, Hercules must stop an evil queen from her plans to kill her sister so these moon men of the future can wake up their strangely human queen and . . . I don't know. Take over the world? Features many overwhelmingly long scenes of people going places including one in a sandstorm where you can't see anything and a flagrant lack of pants throughout the entire film.

Galaxy Invader [1985]

[Originally posted on Facebook on November 5, 2013]

Do you like aliens and rednecks? Of course you do! Then let me tell you about "Galaxy Invader." An expertly FX-ed spaceship crashes down in Maryland, leading to a woman-beating, Busch-drinking, ripped-shirt wearing redneck forming a team to track down the alien and kill it in spite of the alien being generally peaceful. Why? "It don't matter what it looks like. It don't look like us and that's all that matters!" Add in a questionable relationship between a science teacher and his former student, an unnecessary amount of chase scenes in the woods and a Slenderman-like dummy getting launched off a cliff.

Prisoners Of The Lost Universe [1983]

[Originally posted on Facebook on November 4, 2013]


Last week's film was the kind of disappointing "Prisoners of the Lost Universe." The plot seemed all set to suck: a scientist built a machine that can send you to another dimension and him, a news reporter, and some random dude who likes Judo all get stuck in a vaguely Medieval land and must escape. Problem was, there wasn't enough actually crazy lines and scenes to keep you interested and their plans for escape get thwarted so many times you just kind of want to fast forward to the end. It wasn't good but it wasn't the kind of bad we strive to find. 

Hopefully tonight's film "Earth Invader", will deliver.

Grease 2 [1982]

[Originally posted on Facebook on October 30, 2013]


After much procrastination we have finally watched "Grease 2", the story of a fish-out-of-water British guy trying to win the heart of Pink Lady Michelle Pfeffier who is in some kind of orgy-esque relationship with The Thunderbirds and can't date anyone else. Since he apparently watched the first "Grease" he knows that in order to make her love you, you have to change everything about yourself and be like what she likes. So he does. And he's successful. Positive messages! Throw in no less than three songs about getting busy (including one called "Do It For Our Country" where a guy almost gets laid by whipping a girl into a fit of patriotism), some minor cameos from actors in the original "Grease", and no shortage of WTF moments and you have this pathetic sequel.
Enjoy this video. Feel this video. Become one with this video.

The Gorilla [1939]

[Originally posted on Facebook on October 30, 2013]


On Keith's birthday we let him pick the movie from a fifty pack selection of "horror classics". Now there were some genuinely good movies on here including "Dracula", "House On Haunted Hill" and even "Metropolis" alongside MST3K fodder like "The Brain That Wouldn't Die" and "The Screaming Skull". Ultimately we ended up with "The Gorilla", a vehicle for a comedy trio called the Ritz Brothers who really, really wished they were the Marx Brothers. They weren't even the Three Stooges. Alongside a nonsensical plot about a serial killer called "The Gorilla", some millionaire with financial troubles, and the totally coincidental escape of an actual gorilla from the local zoo, the only redeeming parts of this movie were Bela Lugosi doing his Bela Lugosi thing and the perpetually high-strung maid played by Patsy Kelly who was 1000x funnier than the Ritz Brothers to the point where a comparison should make them ashamed.

Street Fighter [1994]

[Originally posted on Facebook on October 30, 2013]

On Kay's birthday we watched "Street Fighter." 

You should watch "Street Fighter" and here's my in-depth and thought-provoking explanation why:

The House That Drips Blood On Alex [2010]

[Originally posted on Facebook on September 24, 2013]

The second film we watched, coming in at a scant 15 minutes, was "The House That Drips Blood On Alex" starring Tommy Wiseau.

Spoiler: The best part is when the house drips blood on Alex.

Deadly Prey [1986]

[Originally posted on Facebook on September 24, 2013]

At yesterday's Bad Movie Night the main feature of the evening was a film called "Deadly Prey", a blatant rip-off . . . I mean crossover of "The Most Dangerous Game" and "Rambo." Who needs character development when you have a man in tiny shorts running away from a bunch of mercenaries-in-training (seriously, the woman in the cameo diaper is still more clothed than him and the homo-eroticism is off the charts)? Of course, this was an Adam pick which can always be indicated by a notable lack of pants. I would also like to draw attention to the fantastically lazy 80s synth score that consisted of exactly one track and the fact that the main character's catchphrase was just a confused, possibly triumphant, howler. At least they left the ending open for a "Deadly Prey 2"!

Quotes: 
"This guy looks like he'd be a lot of fun!"
"I WANT HIM . . . DEAD."

Battlefield Earth [2000]

[Originally posted on Facebook on September 19, 2013]


So we finally bit the giant Scientology-shaped bullet and watched a classic in modern bad cinema: "Battlefield Earth." It's hard to say what the best bad part of this film is. The cliche plot. The 1995 videogame-like CGI. The hammy overacting (mostly inflicted on the audience by John Travolta and Barry Pepper). Or maybe it's the fact that the entire movie is shot in Dutch angles and uses curtain wipes for nearly all of its transitions. 

I won't post any quotes from this movie. All the best ones are pretty well known and text would not adequately show the inflection needed to really convey how ridiculous they are. Go watch it for yourself but do so with other people. This movie can be ungodly boring if you watch it alone.

To Catch A Yeti [1993]

[Originally posted on Facebook on September 11, 2013]

Last Monday's movie was "To Catch A Yeti", a title that would seem to indicate a cheesy horror film but was in fact "wholesome family fun" involving Meat Loaf in a starring role as a Yeti hunter, a terrifying automaton that looks like a "Gremlins" ripoff who is perpetually stoned, a rich kid who's only voice volume is "howler monkey", and essentially the plot of "Baby's Day Out" ("Yeti's Day Out?"). In this 1.5 hour movie, there was someone in the room laughing though about 1.25 of it. Highly recommend for your terrible movie viewing pleasure. One day we may have a cut up of the scenes of Meat Loaf saying things to the children in the movie that would get him on a pedo-watch list.

Quotes: 
". . . and multiple injuries from a banana in a bathtub."
"We made a mistake chasing that little girl."
"The only thing you're doing is suffocating your parents and that's not good."

He's watching you. He knows all. Hail Yeti.

Bloodsport [1988]

[Originally posted on Facebook on August 28, 2013]

The second film of the night was "Bloodsport", one of Jean-Claude Van Damme's first starring movies. It's supposed to be a movie about the life of Frank Dux but what you end up remembering about it is that it is about a bunch of stereotypes fighting in a full contact martial arts tournament, Bolo Yeung's crazy facial expressions, and a total of seven montages and six full splits done by Van Damme. The best part is any time Van Damme isn't speaking (although it wasn't just him; this movie had its fair share of unintelligible accents).

Quotes: 
(on a split) "That hurts me just looking at it."

"Asia is a big place, you know?"

Kill Me Again [1989]

[Originally posted on Facebook on August 28, 2013]

Last Monday was a Val Kilmer/Jean Claude van Damme double feature (yes, Adam picked the theme). 

Our first feature was "Kill Me Again" starring Val Kilmer and his wife in a movie about poorly faked deaths and mob money that honestly should have been more interesting than it was. We got some laughs but overall it was mostly boring. The best (and by that I mean most eyebrow-raising) scene was a strangely sexual scene of the Kilmers setting the scene of her fake death where she seemed to be having way too much fun being smeared in someone else's blood.

Attack Of The Giant Leeches [1959]

[Originally posted on Facebook on August 20, 2013]


This week's movie was a winner from the title: "Attack of the Giant Leeches." Coming in at a scant 62 minutes, the only thing you could want more of from this movie is the classy leech suits that look more like goth squids. Aside from that, there's a young girl with a fat husband who is not allowed to touch or look at her.

Quote: "Go soak your back in it!"

Prototype X29a [1992]

[Originally posted on Facebook on August 20, 2013]

Last week's film has already slipped from our minds: "Prototype X29a", a find from a store that specializes in used VHSes. I could try to explain the plot (maybe) but the first two minutes of scrolling texts try to do that anyway. It's something about robots versus man-robots, a handicapped dude with a virtual reality sex helmet that he uses to bone his friend, and a bunch of angry cyberpunk side characters. I think it ends with the bad guy dying and the hero winning. Just a hunch.

Don't Torture A Duckling [1972]

[Originally posted on Facebook on August 7, 2013]

Last Monday's film was an impulse purchase that we weren't sure what to expect from. We were hoping that the director of "Zombi 2" (a.k.a. Zombie a.k.a. Zombie Flesh Eaters a.k.a. WooDoo) could make something ridiculous out of a movie called "Don't Torture A Duckling" (which the Italian titles translates to "The Long Night of Exorcism"). This mystery/crime film had pretty much the same basic idea as "Guru, The Mad Monk" but with the victims being a slew of dead kids. The best reasons to watch are for the ridiculous dubbing and random lines, the actually very pretty location, hilarious overacting, and the epic cliff scene at the end that shows that you don't need more than one dummy to create a bunch of dead bodies.

Guru, The Mad Monk [1970]

[Originally posted on Facebook on July 30, 2013]

The second film was "Guru, The Mad Monk" which we decided was an imperfect mixture of "Romeo and Juliet" and "Hunchback of Notre Dame" (the Disney version) set on a medieval Alcatraz and containing a character named Igor who we called "Quasitorgo" after his hunchbackness and his resemblance to Torgo from "Manos: Hands of Fate" (there was also a humorous instance of mishearing "orgy" as "Igorgy"). Guru and a vampire-witch kill people who have committed crimes and there's some nonsensical subplot about a guy's love being hidden in the church with Quasitorgo who likes her. Truly a masterpiece on man's inherent good and evil with lots of scenes of two people talking as a means of furthering plot.

Sharknado [2013]

[Originally posted on Facebook on July 30, 2013]

Last night was a double feature of two equally horrible but different movies. First up, we just had to watch "Sharknado" what with everyone including the non-bad-movie-watching crowd checking it out. It's our third Asylum movie (after "Titanic II" and "Mega Piranha") and, as usual, they deliver prime shlock but this time with a premise that isn't just a knockoff and a marketing campaign designed around it being a silly idea (the tagline is "Enou gh said!"). There are parts that really deliver: an opener that never gets called back to, use of a chainsaw, Tara Reid who is now only capable of this sort of movie, the complete betrayal of the laws of physics, and an ending that made ALL of us (except Adam's grandma who was asleep) jump out of our seats and shout, "WHAT?!" Only downside: No title drop.

Quote: "I think we're gonna need a bigger chopper!"