Death Bed: The Bed That Eats [1977]

[Originally posted on Facebook on January 14, 2013]

There are times when you know a movie is a winner from the title and last night’s film was one such case: “Death Bed: The Bed That Eats.” How could that not be the best bad movie ever? Because of a demon in the form of a man and the death of his human lover, a canopy-style sleep machine is also a death machine, killing its victims with its bubbling digestive fluid. The bed also eats chicken wings (spitting back the bones), drinks wine (re-corking the bottle afterwards like a jerk), needs Pepto-Bismal at one point (who left that in the vicinity of the bed?), attacks an escaping girl with his Mr. Fantastic-esque sheets (after a ten minute scene of her dragging herself away), and makes actual snoring noises (and moaning noises when aroused and please don’t contemplate that one too deeply). There’s also a guy who died of consumption -har har- living in the walls of the bed’s room and narrating everything like he thinks he’s in a Poe story, a guy whose hands dissolve in the death bed into comical skeleton hands, and plenty of unnecessary female nudity. All in all, this movie is exactly what you could hope for from the title and really deserves to be among the classics in bad movies like “Troll 2”, “Plan 9 From Outer Space”, and “The Room”. 

Best Line: “She can’t appreciate your clumsy sadism!”

Adam’s Grandma’s Review: “It was crazy, huh?”

We love the title “Death Bed: The Bed That Eats” but it’s kind of strange how no one thought to give it a title that was more . . . intentionally silly. Therefore, because of our love of “Death Bed: The Bed That Eats” we have decided that this premise should be a film franchise and we have all come up with some titles for the sequels:
“Death Bed: Bed Or Alive”
“Death Bed: Breakfast In Bed”
“Death Bed: Day Of The Bed”
“Death Bed: Dead Tired”
“Death Bed: Death By Consumption”
“Death Bed: Don’t Give A Sheet”
“Death Bed: Eat, Sheet, and Die”
“Death Bed: Eternal Sleep”
“Death Bed: Fed Up”
“Death Bed: Final Resting Place”
“Death Bed: Laid To Rest”
“Death Bed: Midnight Snack”
“Death Bed: Night Terrors”
“Death Bed: No Comforter”
“Death Bed: No Rest For The Wicked”
“Death Bed: Once Upon A Mattress”
“Death Bed: Return Of The Futon” (His nemesis)
“Death Bed: Sheet Happens”
“Death Bed: Short-Sheeted”
“Death Bed: Sleep When You’re Dead”
“Death Bed: Sleeper’s Digest”
“Death Bed: Slumber Party Massacre”
“Death Bed: Three Sheets To The Wind” (Drunk Bed)
And of course, the documentary about the movie: “Death Bed: Making The Bed”