Grizzly II: Revenge [1983]

There is definitely more of a story to this movie, but I guess I just don't know how to find it. Here's what we do know: this is a sequel to Grizzly, theoretically, that was never fully put together but someone saved it after realizing that the opening scene of dumb teens getting murdered by a bear features unknowns George Clooney, Laura Dern, and Charlie Sheen. I wonder what ever happened to them. In more substantial roles we also have Nurse Ratchett, Gimli son of Gloin, and a cameo by Wormtail. And if you think the actor situation here is odd, let me tell you that it's really in line with the overall oddness of this movie. 

This movie is only an hour and 15 minutes and is clearly pieced together in a lot of places. It follows three stories: that of some poachers who killed a baby bear and pissed off the mother and are out to get her; that of a park ranger, bear expert, and John Rhys-Davies (a French Canadian hunter with possible indigenous roots) trying to stop the bear; and that of Louise Fletcher trying to host a rock festival in a national park (it makes no sense; just go with it). There's also a subplot with the park ranger's daughter getting banged by some musician or something. The film cuts between these three plots and none of them do much. Almost everyone dies at the end including the bear who gets electrocuted by the music equipment. 

What's interesting about this film is the hack job it became. There's some truly egregious ADR, some clearly modern scenes spliced in to try to lengthen the movie or add continuity, and the acting, including the bear, is not good. Although the tiring concert scenes towards the end are mostly boring, this film does have a lot to offer.

Spoon Rating: 5.5

King Of The Lost World [2005]

We haven't watched a ton of Asylum films, but we've dabbled. Unfortunately, we didn't know this was one until the start at which point we all groaned a bit. They are usually utterly devoid of sense in a frustrating way but can occasionally provide a poorly CGIed laugh moment. I guess. Mostly this one was just frustrating.

The plot is supposed to be loosely based of Conan Doyle's The Lost World but they threw a giant ape in there to try to capitalized on the fact that Jackson's King Kong had just come out. The plot follows a couple survivors of a plane crash on a seemingly deserted island who have absolutely no idea how to live. Right away one is killed by a giant spider and by killed I mean instantly wrapped up in web like Frodo in Return of the King but when they rip it open he has already been reduced to a skeleton (with an eyeball? okay). The island also has giant scorpions, which it's worth noting are less dangerous than small scorpions, and one stabs a guy backwards. The ape appears twice and is very blurry. The crew is then captured by some other survivors who went feral after like two days and they use a nuclear weapon to destroy the ape somehow not destroying the whole island. The film ends with one guy and two girls from the original crew still miraculously alive and not radiated to death but also still completely stuck on the island with no way out or plan. I guess the scriptwriter gave up.

This film gave us about two laughs from the CGI but it's really not worth your time. Instead we fantasized about a fighting match between all the women of the King Kong films. Fay Wray has no chance, Naomi Watts would be the best fighter, but Jessica Lange would fight dirty and try to gouge your eyes out.

Spoon Rating: 2

REWATCH: How To Get Revenge [1989] & Shorts

We had a simple night of learning how to get revenge and watching through some of Adam's bad movie shorts playlist that's mostly commercials.You can find his playlist here.

The Snowman [2017]

 This film was an odd one. It's based off a very popular book by Norwegian author Jo Nesbo, directed by the Swedish guy who did Let The Right One In, and is starring a bunch of famous people including Michael Fassbender, Charlotte Gainsbourg, and a post-throat cancer Val Kilmer. Especially after the popularity of The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo, this seems like it was set up to be successful. So what went wrong?

The plot of this film is honestly kind of hard to parse. Each scene of the film basically drops you into some kind of action with very little to add texture to what's happening and for the first hour, we weren't completely sure about the timeline of events or who was significant to who. By the end, some plots had seemingly been totally dropped. Apparently 10% of the film never even got shot due to filming schedules so that's clearly a factor. That being said, we also figured out who the murderer was an hour in with no struggle in spite of the fact that we barely knew what was going on. It went like this:
Adam: So, the murderer is killing women who don't necessarily know who their children's fathers are, but he is also killing women who are pregnant by someone and maybe seeking an abortion. The only people who might know about the pregnancy are their boyfriends or...
Sarah: Doctors. The murderer has to be a doctor. It's the only way the murderer could have all the information to attack these women specifically.
Kay: It's the mom's boyfriend. 
Adam: Isn't he a plastic surgeon?
Kay: Shared office.
Sarah: Yeah, they mentioned that information is accessible to all doctors in the same office.
It's a major failure for your movie to be both incoherent and obvious. And, as you may also be thinking from reading our breakdown, this murderer's motivation makes no sense. Why isn't he killing deadbeat dads? They try to explain this in the first scene when we see a boy finding out his dad is his asshole tutor and then his mom kills herself by driving her car onto the ice and letting herself sink. Sure. Makes sense. 

So was there any fun here? A little. The murderer's calling card is to build a snowman at the scene of the crime and while they were probably supposed to be scary, they were kind of cute and the juxtaposition of the snowmen with the scary music is delightful. There was also some amusement to be had with the son's acting, which was honestly really bad, especially compared with all the seasoned actors in this. We also tried not to think too much about how the main detective's name is Harry Hole (pronounced very differently in Norwegian) and everyone in Norway is British. The book seems like it's probably a decent read, but this is adaption hell.

Spoon Rating: 2

I Believe In Santa [2022]

This movie was coconuts. It was mentioned to me by my friend Caroline who heard about it through her own means and asked if I knew about it being a bad movie person. All the information she gave beforehand amounted to, "It's a romantic comedy movie about a guy who genuinely believes that Santa is real." She also mentioned an article about the 22 most unhinged things in the film that I also recommend reading but only after you've experienced the film for yourself. And you should. Because it must be seen to be believed.

Our main character is Lisa, a crazy-eyed, Rachel Hollis knockoff, who writes about holidays or something for some online publisher and has an eight-year-old daughter and sir-not-appearing-in-this-film ex. After writing an article toting July 4th as "the best holiday, god bless America" she meets our other main, Tom, at a fair. Tom, wearing too many vests and looking like a 20-years-older, knockoff Ben Platt, is apparently the perfect man in spite of that fact that he really doesn't feel straight even when juxtaposed with his actually gay friend, Assan. However, the red flags appear when Lisa goes to his apartment for Christmas to find it decorated to the nines, creepy automation Santa included. Lisa hates Christmas because of honestly dumb childhood trauma reasons that she reveals at the start of act three so this isn't good. Either way, she decides to go with it and has a lot of eye-bugging performances of Christmas activities, which he has scheduled every single day. Then the other shoe drops: he genuinely believes in Santa. This is made even weirder in that this is dropped during a dinner party with their best friends and everyone particularly felt for Lisa's friend, Sharon, who really hopes he's kidding. But he triples down on this. Instead of losing all attraction to him and breaking up with him, Sharon does suggest Lisa stay with him for the story, which honestly I get. Somehow though, this turns into Lisa just accepting this eccentricity and deciding the answer to to meet him halfway, which really just means giving in. It ends in a ski lodge proposal and a "I asked mall Santa for you two to get married" from the daughter. 

The overall premise of this movie is obviously the strangest thing. We immediately wondered if Santa is just an allegory for God, and it feels like that could be the case. However, the movie also really clearly showcases all the reasons one shouldn't believe in god with seemingly no awareness. Also, as Adam pointed out, if you actually believed these things about Santa, wouldn't he just become your god? There's also the detail of "god bless America" in the beginning, and this other strange moment where Lisa and Assan hang out and Assan mentions that he's Muslim and draws some kind of parallel between his friend's insane beliefs and racism. By the way, this movie was written by the (white) guy playing Tom and the woman playing Lisa is his wife in real life, and he has written other rom-coms. 

Aside from that, this movie is full of other awkward, strangely shot, and strangely acted moments. We got almost as many laughs as we got slack-jawed moments. It's definitely worth a watch at Christmas. Or hell, any time really. Santa is an omniscient presence after all, and it's best we all bow down before his altar.

Spoon Rating: 5

Little Hercules In 3D [2009]

This film has been sitting on top of our "roll the dice" stack of films for a while. At one point, we actually got it but upon realizing it was actually in 3D, we decided to wait and get some glasses. They didn't help. Aside from all of us just hating 3D in general on a scale of "it's unnecessary" to "oh god, the headaches" the film could basically be watched entirely without the glasses, which really only serve to make it darker and off-color. And honestly, no gimmick was going to help this movie.

The film stars a kid who was actually known as Little Hercules back in the day for being a kid who started strength training very young. This kid, and no one else really, but especially this kid, can't act. There are some known people in this movie, particularly Hulk Hogan as Zeus, but the film seems to have been made on a budget of a few sticks of gum. The plot is that Hercules gets tricked into going down to Earth by Hera where he now has to go to school in Burbank and be normal. He makes friends with a kid known for bringing home strays, joins the track and field team, falls for the first girl he sees, and gets bullied by guys who look like college kids with "punk" styling. It's very boring. There's some sort of conflict with the king of Babylon where he and Zeus are enemies so the king becomes a couch at the school? Also, seemingly Babylonian mythology exists alongside Greek? Oh, and the school is shutting down. No explanation why but they imply that it's because they such at sports, which shows a really fundamental lack of understanding how schools work at all. Either way, Herc wins the meet and decides to become human like an idiotic 12-year-old would.

There are some laughs to be had with the bad acting, the bad camera work (and the zooms and freezes), and the pathetic attempts at 3D gimmicks but ultimately you could waste your time on much better mythology based movies.

Spoon Rating: 2

Boobah [2003] & From Hell It Came [1957]

 Last week we started with a nightmare of a children' show from Erik's younger sister's childhood called Boobah. The plot, as far as we could tell, was about these colorful, farting aliens who are trying to make sense of earth by creating little scenarios starring characters like Mr. Man, Mrs. Lady, Auntie, Grandmama, Brother, and Sister. In this installment, the humans played jump rope in wild rapture. The whole thing gave us Teletubbies vibes, which turned out to be dead on as the show was created by the same people who made Teletubbies. We were also baffled to learn that the show is meant to be an exercise show for toddlers and not just nightmare fuel for anyone over four. 

All in all, it was a wild experience that we recommend. Drugs might help (or they might induce a panic attack) but even without them we had a good time.

Spoon Rating: 6

After that, we watched a short, old horror film called From Hell It Came about a tribe in the Pacific islands burying a guy as a punishment for a crime only for him to come back as a tree monster. It was pretty boring at first, just following the white scientists there and one misogynist in particular who wants the female scientist to quit sciencing so she can be a good housewife, but once we got the tree monster and his rubbery costume, we were delighted. It wasn't really worth the wait, but at least we got something for our troubles.

Spoon Rating: 3