The Karate Dog [2005]

[Cross-posted on the Bad Movie Night Facebook page.]

I mean, the title says it all, doesn't it? I don't even think I really need to write a review for this one. You can just let your imagination bring you to the world of "Karate Dog" and it will probably be better than actually watching the film.

Basically, Pat Morita has a talking dog he taught martial arts too, Morita gets killed by assassins, the dog is taken in by an idiot detective, the mystery of why Morita was killed is uncovered and has to do with a dog racing business run by Morita's former student Jon Voight, who uses an inability to remember his lines as some kind of vocal affect. Chevy Chase does the voice of the dog, and he wants you to know he's just here for a paycheck. There's a lot of really bad CGI of the dog fighting or even just standing on his hind legs (I guess the film didn't know that some dogs can be taught to do that). I think this movie was written in 20 minutes. The only really funny part was when they did a "Mission Impossible" parody that involved the dog putting an ID into a machine and a human hand covered in a fur sleeve emerged from the bottom of the screen.

That's it. Skip this one.

Spoon Rating: 2

REWATCH: The Amazing Bulk [2012]

[Cross-posted on the Bad Movie Night Facebook page.]

We went way back to the beginning for this one. This film, "The Amazing Bulk," was the 18th movie we watched at movie night; when we first watched it, it was a new film. Although we have referenced it on occasion over the years, we have never rewatched it, probably because it was so many years ago that we usually found something more recent to rewatch first. 

But this movie is a triumph of bad CGI. Adam suspected that they were going for a "Sin City" kind of thing that just doesn't pan out when a lot of your sets are made in MS paint. Delightfully, whenever someone is sitting in a car, you can see the couch they are sitting on in the background as if it's meant to be the seat. At the end, there's an extended sequence of the Bulk running through the country and encountering every bizarre animal or thing they managed to acquire from the CGI team. Oh, and the running is hilarious, both of the Bulk himself and the humans. The acting is bad too but mostly not in the funny way, with the exception of these two cops who have seen many serious cop movies and want you to know that. The plot is of little consequence: it involves a scientist who looks like a member of a mediocre early 2000s rock band, injecting himself with a superhuman serum that turns him into the bulk. He ends up stopping a crazy German guy who wants to blow up the moon. That's about it. 

The thing to know about this movie is that it is fun and pretty short at only an hour and 15 minutes, but should you rewatch it, you should wait a while in between viewings. There's mostly only one joke (the bad CGI). It's a fantastic joke, but you need time for your brain to forget just how bad it was.

Spoon Rating: 7.5

Reefer Madness [1936] & A Witch's Spiritual Hoedown

[Cross-posted on the Bad Movie Night Facebook page.]

We have been talking about watching this one for a while, but it kept getting pushed back for other things. Keith was the primary influence on watching this one, but Kay had seen the musical movie and wanted to see the original. 

The plot is basically that a bunch of people get high and experience effects that are nothing like pot and actually range from caffeine to cocaine and meth. There are three kids, Mary Lane and her brother Jimmy and Ralph, and they get involved in the reefer through Jack, a drug dealer who seems specifically interested in targeting kids. Jimmy takes what he thinks is a regular cigarette and it causes him to drive like a maniac and nearly kill an old man crossing the street. Curiously, none of the kids seem to realize they aren't smoking cigarettes in spite of the obvious difference in smell. During an altercation at Jack's pot den, Mary Lane gets shot and Ralph is framed. The actual murderer was Bill, a guy who just seems to live in Jack's house and it's not long before Bill also kills Jack. Blanche, Jack's girlfriend, is overcome with guilt and jumps out a window. Ralph is set free, and we are again warned about the dangers of the wacky tobaccy.

Overall, it was about as enjoyable as most propaganda films that we have watched. It was really lacking a voice-over, but it did have a fear-mongering school principal who can break the fourth wall. 

Spoon Rating: 5

After the film we had a brief musical interlude of the theme song of "Reefer Madness: The Musical" and then we watched a video on Occult Demon Cassette called "A Witch's Spiritual Hoedown." Unfortunately, the title was misleading and it wasn't about witches, or even hoedowns, at all. It was a video of a church service that lasted 22 minutes but had only three never-ending songs. There were a lot of mullets and a variety of white-worship dancing. We all got varying degrees of amusement from it, but agreed to never watch it again. 

Step Up: All In [2014]

[Cross-posted on the Bad Movie Night Facebook page.]

Our original intentions were to watch the first Ugandan action movie "Who Killed Captain Alex" but we couldn't find the movie without a joke commentary, and while it was amusing, we wanted to appreciate it on its own and make our own jokes. Regrettably, this meant we also had to forsake our other movie we were going to watch "A Witch's Spiritual Hoedown" because the new movie we picked was almost two hours long. "Step Up: All In" is the fifth film in the franchise but appears to be a stand alone film nonetheless. Kay and Sarah had both seen the first "Step Up" with basically no memory of it outside of the fact that it was at least a little bit better than this mess.

This movie is mostly dancing, and that's the nicest thing one could say about the plot. A man with a very punchable face has his whole dance crew break up with him so he decides to get a new crew to audition for a show called "The Vortex" where the winners will get a three year Vegas show contract (what show has three year contracts!?). His crew consists of an engineer friend who very stupidly leaves his job and nearly ruins his relationship with his girlfriend in a shoehorned in plot point, a fashion shoot seamstress whose dance career ended previously with a broken knee, and a bunch of other people whose personalities are defined solely by their clothes and accents (Australian girl with queer vibe, Asian girl, twins, robot dancing guy, vaguely effeminate dance instructor guy, etc.). They make an unrealistically budgeted audition video and then go to Las Vegas for the show where they find themselves competing against The Mob, main character's old crew, and the Grim Knights, a crew they lost a dance battle to in a club early on in the movie. They have practice montages, but none of the montages seem to be of actual dances that they did later in the movie. It comes down to Grim Knights and LMNTRIX (our heroes) and they learn that the show is rigged in favor of the Knights. The Mob joins LMNTRIX to make a super crew and on the day of their final performance, main character gives a heartfelt speech beforehand to win over the audience. LMNTRIX wins in spite of the thing being rigged, which makes no sense, and all the characters with "I don't like you" tension make out.

This movie's script should not have been more than 20 pages. The plot is so thin, no characters seem to exist as people, and about 3/4 of the film is dance sequences. In that regard, if you like watching hip-hop dance routines, this movie's probably bogged down by plot. It definitely wasn't amusing enough to watch otherwise.

Spoon Rating: 2.5

Breaking Dawn - Part 2 [2012]

[Cross-posted on the Bad Movie Night Facebook page.]

Continuing Adam's theory about getting enjoyment from watching the fifth installment of a series without watching the previous four, we decided to watch the fifth "Twilight" movie, "Breaking Dawn - Part 2." For reference, Adam had seen the first one and Kay had seen all five with Rifftrax, but Keith and Grandma were stuck with nothing. The first twenty minutes were mostly spent trying to figure out what had happened in the previous movies. Kay tried to keep quiet and Sarah was at work so it was a time.

WHAT HAD HAPPENED: Bella and Edward got married. She got pregnant and gave birth. She died. She got turned into a vampire. 

This movie picks up with her playing around with her powers for about a half hour. Then a bunch of stuff about how her daughter is an unholy CGI demon so they have to convince a bunch of vampires from around the world that she's not a danger to society before the High Council of Camp Gayness (Volturi) vampires come to kill her. This takes two hours for some reason. The highlight of the movie aside from the evil vampire congress and Bella's dad, the one sane person in the franchise, is that there is a whole fight scene that turns out to just be a vision. Adam and Keith were so mad, but Kay had been waiting for that reveal since they started so she could laugh at them. Other things that annoyed Adam include the physics of vampire powers especially in relation to the werewolves, the fact that they use cars, their seemingly endless wealth, the fact that "everyone looks like they have a stylist and are wearing a pound of makeup," and the fact that it took him until the last ten minutes or so to realize that Jacob is in love with Bella's daughter. He was horrified.

Overall, it wasn't too bad a time but that might have been different if we had watched every single movie before this one. A spin-off about the Volutri or Charlie, Bella's dad, would probably be far more worth it.

Spoon Rating: 5

Atom Age Vampire [1960]

[Cross-posted on the Bad Movie Night Facebook page.]

Kay was sick last Monday so instead of the plan to watch the fifth "Twilight" movie, we pulled a vampire movie out of a collection box. Weirdly, there were no vampires but there was a disfigured stripper and a mad scientist. 

Spoon Rating: 2

Return Of The Roller Blade Seven [1993}

[Cross-posted on the Bad Movie Night Facebook page.]

There were a lot of revelations last night and while writing this post. First of all, because Adam bought this movie in a pack with "The Roller Blade Seven" and "Hawk: Warrior of the Wheelzone" in that order, naturally we assumed this was the sequel to "Roller Blade Seven." Turns out it is actually the second of two sequels, the missing one titled "The Legend of the Roller Blade Seven" and "Hawk" is an alternate version of the original "Roller Blade Seven." In spite of this, "Return of the Roller Blade Seven" supposedly takes place after "The Roller Blade Seven." That film actually ended with Stella Speed, an ally of Hawk, killing his bride, possibly while sitting next to Saint O'ffender, basically the priest of the dark religion. We were confused by this plot point but this movie may have cleared that up.

The biggest revelation is actually the meaning behind "roller blade seven." The roller blade seven is a spiritual level in the light religion and not a collection of people. Donaldo, the head of the light religion, explains this to "spirit guide." We were so awestruck we had to pause the movie.

Revelations aside, what is the plot of "Return of the Roller Blade Seven"? Well, it's mostly just a bunch of shots from fight scenes in "The Roller Blade Seven" and a desert bongo playing man referred to as Onibaba interspersed with pseudo-philosophical dialogue from Saint O'ffender who spends most of the movie trying to get Hawk to join the dark side. He tries to tempt him with his women and a really boring dance party as well as vague platitudes like "If you don't know what to do, don't do anything." At one point, all the women in the scene repeat this line individually and then as a group over 10 times. We occasionally see Donaldo wandering the desert and eventually talking to O'ffender which ends in a scene of them just shouting, "F- you" at each other. The scene also has superfluous text underneath that says random things like "bellybutton" on a shot of a girl's bellybutton, "hmmmm" when one of them is thinking, and other random words that just repeat what someone said. At one point Stella Speed dances to bongo man (usually he is alone but sometimes he has two women mostly wearing belts dancing next to him) and then joins O'ffender and Hawk for dinner. We decided this probably means that somewhere near the end of the last movie, she joined the dark side, which is why she killed Hawk's bride. We then get a shot of Donaldo seemingly dying in the desert and we are treated to what may be the weirdest scene in a very weird movie. A person in a giant smiley face costume rolls up and we are treated to a very creepy rendition of "Dem Bones" that goes on for well over five minutes. Donaldo seems to get healed from this. With very little explanation, Hawk is able to convert Stella and O'ffender to the light and the last scene is the four main characters in the new temple of light repeating their dialogue multiple times at the instance of someone who keeps whispering "Do it again." They left in every take.

This movie is baffling. It is less coherent than "Roller Blade Seven," a feat in itself, and yet somehow, even better as long as you fast forward through all the really long scenes with no dialogue. We spent a while trying to figure out if this movie could be watched in isolation and decided that no, you need the context from the original to understand anything going on here. But hey, "Roller Blade Seven" is still a ride. Have a double feature.

Spoon Rating: 8