Return Of The Roller Blade Seven [1993}

[Cross-posted on the Bad Movie Night Facebook page.]

There were a lot of revelations last night and while writing this post. First of all, because Adam bought this movie in a pack with "The Roller Blade Seven" and "Hawk: Warrior of the Wheelzone" in that order, naturally we assumed this was the sequel to "Roller Blade Seven." Turns out it is actually the second of two sequels, the missing one titled "The Legend of the Roller Blade Seven" and "Hawk" is an alternate version of the original "Roller Blade Seven." In spite of this, "Return of the Roller Blade Seven" supposedly takes place after "The Roller Blade Seven." That film actually ended with Stella Speed, an ally of Hawk, killing his bride, possibly while sitting next to Saint O'ffender, basically the priest of the dark religion. We were confused by this plot point but this movie may have cleared that up.

The biggest revelation is actually the meaning behind "roller blade seven." The roller blade seven is a spiritual level in the light religion and not a collection of people. Donaldo, the head of the light religion, explains this to "spirit guide." We were so awestruck we had to pause the movie.

Revelations aside, what is the plot of "Return of the Roller Blade Seven"? Well, it's mostly just a bunch of shots from fight scenes in "The Roller Blade Seven" and a desert bongo playing man referred to as Onibaba interspersed with pseudo-philosophical dialogue from Saint O'ffender who spends most of the movie trying to get Hawk to join the dark side. He tries to tempt him with his women and a really boring dance party as well as vague platitudes like "If you don't know what to do, don't do anything." At one point, all the women in the scene repeat this line individually and then as a group over 10 times. We occasionally see Donaldo wandering the desert and eventually talking to O'ffender which ends in a scene of them just shouting, "F- you" at each other. The scene also has superfluous text underneath that says random things like "bellybutton" on a shot of a girl's bellybutton, "hmmmm" when one of them is thinking, and other random words that just repeat what someone said. At one point Stella Speed dances to bongo man (usually he is alone but sometimes he has two women mostly wearing belts dancing next to him) and then joins O'ffender and Hawk for dinner. We decided this probably means that somewhere near the end of the last movie, she joined the dark side, which is why she killed Hawk's bride. We then get a shot of Donaldo seemingly dying in the desert and we are treated to what may be the weirdest scene in a very weird movie. A person in a giant smiley face costume rolls up and we are treated to a very creepy rendition of "Dem Bones" that goes on for well over five minutes. Donaldo seems to get healed from this. With very little explanation, Hawk is able to convert Stella and O'ffender to the light and the last scene is the four main characters in the new temple of light repeating their dialogue multiple times at the instance of someone who keeps whispering "Do it again." They left in every take.

This movie is baffling. It is less coherent than "Roller Blade Seven," a feat in itself, and yet somehow, even better as long as you fast forward through all the really long scenes with no dialogue. We spent a while trying to figure out if this movie could be watched in isolation and decided that no, you need the context from the original to understand anything going on here. But hey, "Roller Blade Seven" is still a ride. Have a double feature.

Spoon Rating: 8