[Cross-posted on the Bad Movie Night Facebook page.]
Sound is important to a film. I can't really stress this point too strongly as this week's movie, "Still Flowin': The Movie," is basically the worst disaster we have ever seen in terms of sound. Worse than "Guru, The Mad Monk," which was I film I found virtually impossible to understand. Worse than every other low budget film we've seen. It wasn't just that the dialogue was hard to hear either. There was frequently non-diegetic music that would overwhelm the dialogue and the room of the audience with pulsating beats that are sure to induce a headache. And it's worth noting that there is a lot being done with the sound of this movie. The movie was written, directed, produced by, and starred an Australian rapper named Raed Melki who talks on his website about how he has studied sound design and directing. Neither of these things is clear from the movie although I do believe both that he made it himself and that he is his own music producer. The plot is pretty incomprehensible so we checked IMDb. It turns out the plot is about a rapper from Melbourne who has pissed off a record company so much by badgering them with demos that they hire a hitman (who we named Boozy Burger) to kill him. Meanwhile, there is another record company who is absolutely floored by his talent and is trying to find him. There are subplots that involve a group of guys who like to curse him out when they see him (it goes nowhere), his friend who wants to be an interior decorator somewhere like America or Turkey (it goes nowhere), a party with drugs (some people get high and anti-Semitic and anti-Muslim comments are traded for some reason), his girlfriend (we couldn't even understand their conversations), visiting some kangaroos (we got bored and watched that YouTube video of a guy punching a kangaroo), visiting a church (conversation was clearly had but we kept mishearing things), and some kind of set-up with one of the record guys who wanted him dead. This is the most I can tell you for sure. Also, he's not a good rapper. And this may be based on a true story. Instead of watching this film, you could get part of the experience by checking out Raed Melki's production company's website. Here's a link to information about casting for the sequel. It's a ride. Also, check out this weird collection of sentences at the end of the film. Both the beginning and end of the film featured Raed Melki's bank information so you could wire money to him.:
Pretty sure that's not how copyrights work but okay, Raed. What do I know anyway? I'm just a critic. Quotes: "I'm not sure that Jesus is full of doughnuts." [Note: This was likely misheard.] Spoon Rating: 2
[Cross-posted on the Bad Movie Night Facebook page.]
"Descendants 2" is unquestionably the gayest movie any of us have ever seen. After watching "Descendants" last month we had left with a positive enough impression that watching the sequel was pretty much a guarantee but we were wholly unprepared for how much gayer an already fairly gay universe could get. In the first one it seemed like Carlos was a closet case and Chad could very easily also be gay but we didn't think much about it beyond that. We were much more interested in the implications surrounding the phrase, "On the island we don't date. It's more gang activity." That was only scratching the surface. I could write a whole review just about the gayness but I won't because this movie is so full of strange things that need to be acknowledged. Still I will end this post with a breakdown of the sexualities of all of the kids for fun.
The movie opens on a music number which was both unexpected and unwanted. It seemed like the kids had suddenly reverted right back to their evil ways and decided to infect Auradon Prep with . . . magic apples that make them dance. Sinister. Immediately new about this film was a visually higher budget and better song writing. The songs were still not good, of course this is a Disney channel original, but they were tolerable and therefore an improvement over "Descendants." We then fall into Mal's evil eye and are taken to the actual present where Mal has dyed her hair a hideous platinum blonde and is not really into her new life as King Ben's girlfriend. She feels like she is spending her life at required meetings and gatherings and, after a fight with Ben over her magic use, she decides to go back to the Isle of the Lost. She gets a new dye job from this movie's "adorable awkward girl who everyone loves" and a haircut that frames her face terribly and is back to her old life.
What's everyone else doing? Evie is making bank off a fashion side business which she runs with her boyfriend, Doug. Jay is captain of the dance-fencing team and is bummed to have to deny a spot to Lonnie, Mulan's daughter, because Chad pulled out the gender specific rulebook. Chad spends his time showering with men and breaking into Jay and Carlos' room when they're sleeping because he has taken a level in gay. And Carlos is struggling to ask out Jane. Yes, Jane, Fairy Godmother's daughter, not Jay. Yes, this is Disney yet again shoehorning in a straight love interest on the gayest character.
Upon realizing Mal has disappeared, Ben and Evie team up to bring her back to Auradon with the boys, who I guess are just obligated to follow the girls. The villain kids teach Ben about "Chillin' Like A Villain." How this phrase wasn't used in the first movie is beyond me. Mal refuses Ben, but then sings a love duet with Evie. She also confronts her nemesis, Uma, Ursula's daughter, and they exchange some passion-filled banter that makes it seem like they might have dated once. Uma, salty that she was not invited to Auradon when Mal was, kidnaps Ben with her gang of gay pirates and refuses to return him until they bring her, you guessed it, Fairy Godmother's wand.
Jay and Carlos return to Auradon to 3D print a wand while Ben tries to reason with his captors. The wand exchange goes down with a Mal/Uma rap battle and way too much sword fighting. On their way out of the Isle, Mal drops her spell book like an idiot.
Back at Auradon it's time for the cotillion on a boat. Carlos asks out Jane, whose mother seems just as horrified as the audience. Evie is somehow still with Doug in spite of her love duet with Mal. Jay takes Lonnie, who he made captain (since the captain's gender was unspecified) and they hardcore seem to be on a bro-date. Oh, and Mal is back with Ben. Until he shows her that he invited Uma and actually he's in love with her now. NO ONE SUSPECTS THE SPELL BOOK. There's a final battle between Mal and Uma where Uma grows tentacles (becoming a decapus) and Mal turns into a dragon. No explanations needed. Mal wins. Let's have a dance number in the now water-logged cruise ship.
And of course, it ends with Uma dropping the key line, "You didn't think this was the end of the story, did you?" Bring on "Descendants 3"! Adam is hoping it will reveal that every kid's other parent is actually Zeus.
Carlos: Very gay. Pretty in the closet. Which is decorated with pictures of Jay.
Jay: Bi but quiet about it because he's not really interested in dating right now (SPORTS). The last to come out in the group.
Ben: Bi but more likely to date girls. Literally picked Mal, Evie, Carlos, and Jay because they were the ones he was most attracted to. Has a villain kink.
Chad: Somehow gayer than Carlos. Also, in love with both Carlos and Jay. Diva worships Audrey.
Audrey: Lipstick lesbian.
Jane: Possibly the token straight. More likely ace and sees dating Carlos as the best of both worlds because he can cuddle her and emotionally connect with her without wanting sex.
[Cross-posted on the Bad Movie Night Facebook page.]
When it comes to bad kids movies, we often regard "Foodfight" as one of the best of the worst but we are always open to more feats in sickening animation and this film, "Leo The Lion," is certainly up there. The animation looks like a game from the late 90s that isn't rendered properly and this is really notable considering the movie was made only four years ago. It is genuinely difficult to watch. And about twenty minutes in we got another reason to want to run: it's a musical. They really waited to drop that bomb until we couldn't back out, particularly since the film is barely an hour and twenty minutes. After writing the "Descendants" post I realized that whenever a music number comes up in a Bollywood movie, we get excited, but whenever a music number comes up in any other kind of movie, we scream. Also, unrelated to the film, this marked the return of Grandma! She's feeling better and is now significantly more cyborg than she was last time. The plot of "Leo The Lion" reads kind of like a ripoff of "The Lion King" except without any of the well-structured plot, tension, or developed characters. Leo is a lion who is a vegetarian. This isn't super important except for you to know that he's harmless and that the film is totally against that "circle of life" stuff that was so important in "The Lion King." Leo's mom drowns right away and Leo makes friends with a pregnant elephant named Savanna, which has to be the most confusing name ever when you live in the savanna. Savanna is queen after her husband (who she calls "daddy"; we all had to kinkshame an elephant) got curb stomped by the White Elephant, but they think he got taken to the zoo. She gives birth to two elephants conjoined at the tail and mother and children get separated in a fire. Leo and his Uncle Lope, the antelope, have to care for the babies and a bunch of other lost young animals and they adventure to somewhere. Leo is looking for "the heart of the jungle" but they end up meeting a magical chameleon who shows him that it's actually inside his heart . . . and also a hidden grotto or something. White Elephant sings a villain song complete with goose-stepping elephants. Leo, Lope, and babies leave the "heart" to find their mom. Final battle with Leo triumphing. Leo confusingly marries Savanna and they have unholy hybrid children. Then he sings about being a vegetarian in what should have been an introduction song. This movie is more painful than funny but we did get a few laughs from things I mentioned in the plot description. We were also disappointed to find that the film used to have really incorrect subtitles on Netflix but they seem to have fixed them. The movie was made by an Italian company and the "heart of the jungle" was originally translated as the "Lake of Milk." Apparently, Leo isn't a vegan.
[Cross-posted on the Bad Movie Night Facebook page.]
Some facts about this film:
Yes, it's a "Twilight" ripoff and the font of the title really gives it away.
There's no Wikipedia page for it but on IMDb the movie is categorized as horror, romance, and sci-fi. It is literally none of these things.
At the same time this film came out, the screenwriter hastily published a novelized version of it so they could say the movie was based on the book. You can still buy it. All the Amazon reviews are sarcastic.
If you buy the DVD you will end up getting a color corrected version of the original. We sought out the uncorrected version where everything is poorly lit and sickeningly colored and the edges have that 1910s tunnel vision effect for some reason.
The director's name is Vitaliy Versace which is definitely a drag name. He has movies coming out in the future called "Taekwondo Kid" and "Homie Alone."
Every actor who is supposed to be in college in the movie looks like they were randomly selected from a screamo concert in 2006 and forced into being in this movie. Like Michelle from "The Room," the main character's best friend seems to be the only one who's kind of trying.
I have seen better movies made by high schoolers with smart phones.
The plot centers around Chloe, an anthropology student who frequently can't be bothered to get out of her pajamas before class, and Aurelius, an awkward hematology student who hisses at people and is just as white as everyone else in the class but we are supposed to believe this is weird. In their lit class where they are reading "Dracula" (yes, too on the nose), they are told they must perform it as a play and their professor randomly selects students for roles because he apparently likes humiliation more than theater. Chloe gets the role of Mina Harker and Aurelius is Dracula. HINT. The play forces them to be in each other's vicinity so they get to know each other and Chloe tells him about how she's really into church and invites him to go with her. She's a Jehovah Witness although unlike with "Dracula" where the
writers seemed to at least read some CliffNotes, the only thing that was accurate about the Jehovah's Witnesses in the film was their aversion to blood transfusions, which leads to their inevitable disgust in Aurelius's major (side note: is there anywhere you can actually major in hematology specifically; that seems odd). Like "Twilight," there are seemingly endless montages but Chloe and Aurelius don't seem to be falling in love so much as they look like they are friends who get high together. Chloe finds some donation blood in Aurelius's house which he tells her is for a project for his major but she figures out he's a vampire. The scene where they discuss it is almost lifted verbatim from "Twilight." Then Chloe reveals to Aurelius that she has AIDS, a fact that is hinted at consistently throughout the film but really hard for us to comprehend because how does a religious twenty year old get AIDS? The answer is that she did missionary work in Africa and by holding a bleeding child with the disease she contracted HIV although the movie doesn't seem to know the difference between HIV and AIDS. She asks Aurelius if he could change her into a vampire so they can spread good vibes through the world forever and during the laziest production of "Dracula" ever the film ends with him looking like he's going in for the bite but who knows? No sequel exists to answer the question of whether he does it or not. The film ends with the slowest credit sequence you could imagine just to push the film to that 90 minute mark.
Aside from the monotonous acting, the bad cinematography, the bad editing, the boring plot, the unchecked facts, the pseudo-intellectual rambling, the fact that most of the budget went to eyeliner, and the implausible AIDS contraction, one of the weirdest things about this movie is actually how close it feels to being a religious film. We've watched a lot of religious films at BMN and this one so strongly has the vibe of one, made clearer by the fact that it is very innocent, there is no romance, and religion plays such a huge part. The point when we were sure it wasn't was in the semi-climax when Chloe stops a bunch of her church members from burning Aurelius at the stake and she actually says a swear and shoots a guy for playing with a lighter. By hey, maybe she redeems herself with eternal missionary work and he finds cures for diabetes and HIV and everything's fine.
Quote:
[You must imagine this said in the flattest monotone.] "I always wanted to play a sultry female vampire. Who knew that lit class would bring all my dreams to fruition?"
[Cross-posted on the Bad Movie Night Facebook page.]
"Best Of The Best" was a very early watch and it's kind of surprising that we haven't seemed to rewatch it since. I actually double checked this blog to make sure I didn't already write a post on it because I hadn't believed that we managed to go almost a full five years without watching it. This one is an old favorite that predates Bad Movie Night. Adam showed Kay this movie around 2009 just for fun. Adam acquired the movie in the first place because Keith bought it for whatever reason a long time ago (he suspects in a dollar bin) and it managed to survive a flood in their basement back when they lived together. This film is a survivor that could not afford to get Survivor to play the theme song, but they still managed to pay James Earl Jones to be there somehow. The film is about five guys selected to compete against Korea in a full contact martial arts competition. There's Sonny, played by Eric Roberts, who thinks that martial arts in the most important thing in his life (dude has a son) and always has 40% of his chest showing. There's Tommy who's older brother died in a martial arts competition against a Korean guy with an eyepatch and now he must fight the same guy in this competition. He has PTSD flashbacks about his brother's death that distinctly involve dropping his ice cream cone. There's Chris Penn who is mostly just a jerk who doesn't follow rules so we're not sure why they even want him there. Finally there's a dude named Virgil who is a Buddhist and former Italian (?) and some other guy who's from Detroit and won't let you forget it. They are being coached by James Earl Jones who is doing his serious James Earl Jones thing in a movie where it is hilariously out of place. Most of the movie is about these guys training and all the times they (specifically Sonny and Tommy) contemplated quitting because it was too much. In the end, they fight Team Korea and in the final match of Tommy versus his brother's killer, Tommy can't deliver the final blow and Team USA loses. In the end, the Korean team gives them their medals and everyone has a heartfelt moment. While this film seems like a generic martial arts movie, every two minutes or so you get a melodramatic line read, a confusing direction choice, or a montage and you can't help but laugh. We made so many ice cream related jokes, you guys. Also, there's a scene of James Earl Jones saying a very firm "No." It's the best scene in the movie. Spoon Rating: 8
[Cross-posted on the Bad Movie Night Facebook page.]
If you're thinking that this movie selection came from the fact that "Descendants" is currently the new Disney channel movie trend and we figured it was worth investigating because we mostly enjoyed the "High School Musical" movies (especially the second), you'd be wrong. The idea of watching this was actually planted in Kay's head by her friend, another Sara, who said that she loves the movie but also knows that it's awful and terrible and that she should be ashamed for liking it. This is probably the best way to sell a movie to us. It helped too that on top of all her shame, she admitted that the movie actually has some really interesting themes that could have been explored to make a better movie that kids might actually learn something from . . . but they didn't. Being all about wasted potential, this film immediately went on the watch list.
The universe of the movie is explained to us in the beginning with a sequence done on a tablet because gosh darn it Disney is hip and keeps up with what the youths like. All the Disney royals and villains exist in the same world but all the good guys live in the United States of Auradon and the villains have all been exiled to an Australia-situation on the Isle of the Lost. The Isle is a ghetto without candy, magic, wifi or other luxuries and Auradon is preppy wonderland, ruled by "the beast" a.k.a. Adam. Adam and Belle's son, Ben, is going to be crowned king soon (at 16? while his dad lives??) and he makes a request for a student exchange program where four kids from the Isle of the Lost are allowed to go to Auradon Prep to prove they are not like their parents. Those kids are Mal, Maleficent's daughter who wants to make her mom proud and brains of this gang, Evie, the evil queen from "Snow White"'s daughter who wants to lock down a prince, Jay, Jafar's son who likes sports and leather, and Carlos, Cruella DeVille's son who is possibly too gay to function and in love with Jay (unconfirmed but come on). They are introduced with a terrible song that has a dub-step breakdown. Adam wished for death.
Before leaving for Auradon, Maleficent tells Mal and crew to steal the Fairy Godmother's wand and bring it to her so she can take over the world. On their first day, they try to steal it from a museum devoted to all their stories, but the security is too high. Luckily, the wand factors into the upcoming coronation so they decide to steal it then. Mal decides that the way to ensure success is to slip Ben a love potion cookie so that she will become his girlfriend and will therefore be right next to him during the coronation. This is an odd plan since Ben seems to kind of already have the hots for her in spite of the fact that he is dating Audrey, Aurora's daughter. Ben has a terrible music number where he confesses his love for Mal. Audrey breaks up with him for Chad, Prince Charming and Cinderella's son and total Chad, who Evie had been after although he was just manipulating her into doing his homework for him. Perhaps lineage has nothing to do with not being a douchenozzle??? Meanwhile Jay plays sports and Carlos gets over a fear of dogs. And the four of them are in a class called Goodness, which is basically Remedial Decency. You realize the public education system on the Isle is probably under-funded and think of all the ways this classicist angle could have been an actual theme.
At the coronation Mal breaks the love spell only to find that it wore off a while ago and Ben actually likes her and is weirdly chill with the fact that she drugged him. Jane, Fairy Godmother's daughter, steals the wand during the ceremony to make herself prettier and ends up accidentally breaking a barrier in the wall around the Isle. Maleficent comes in, Mal and friends chose the side of good, and they fight her and win. Then there's a "We're All In This Together" music number and an obvious implication of a sequel.
The most painful thing about this movie was by far the music numbers. We dreaded every one of them. The worst was probably an acapella/rap cover of "Be Our Guest" but all of them sucked. And it was especially sad that they had Kristin Chenoweth playing a very campy Maleficent because she really should have better things to do with her time. Otherwise, the movie was silly in a lot of the right ways and very easy for us to make fun of. Also, as stated in the beginning of this post, there are a lot of interesting themes that could have been explored here like punishing/rewarding children for their parents, rigid class structure, queer coding of villains, the fact that the villain kids were all raised by single parents but the good kids all have heteronormative, married parents, and whatever is going on in the second quote below.
Will we watch the sequel? You didn't think this was the end of the story, did you?
Quotes:
"She bibadee bobadee booed the living dicklights out of her."
[Note: The line was clearly meant to be "daylights" but we watched the clip over and over. She says "dicklights."]
"We don't really date much on the island. It's more like gang activity."
[Note: Mal is basically admitting to poly relationships and possibly group sex. That's what this sounds like semantically. Disney probably didn't mean this but. . . yeah.]
Also, at one point a girl walks in and basically says, "Hi. I'm Mulan's daughter." and it's so odd.
[Cross-posted on the Bad Movie Night Facebook page.] It's been three weeks since a Bad Movie Night post and with good reason. One of those weeks Adam and Sarah were on vacation in Boston. The other two weeks were spent watching this Bollywood comedy "Welcome." Usually we try to avoid comedies because deliberately trying to make the audience laugh usually ends up more painful than actually funny and there are fewer opportunities for unintentional comedy, but after covering the "Singham" films we needed a different Bollywood genre. Critically, this movie got mixed reviews but it came unironically recommended by one of Sarah's coworkers who thinks it's really funny. It also has a sequel called "Welcome Back" which we will not be watching because this one was not enjoyable enough to warrant us wanting more. The plot of this movie is actually surprisingly simple considering it's three hours long. Rajiv, boy from a decent, normal family, falls for Sanjana, a girl from a crime family. The normal relatives do not want to the marriage to happen so the boy and girl try to get her brother and his fellow gangster to pursue decent careers with the influence of Ishika, a girl they hired to make them fall in love with her. That's it really. There are a lot of hijinks. The courting of Sanjana by Rajiv takes over a half hour in itself. Towards the end there's a lot of nonsense when Sanjana accidentally shoots the boss's son, ironically named Lucky, and there's a whole "I'm Not Dead Yet" series of body swapping with a funeral pyre (Adam: "This guy's gonna pull a Denethor"). This also eats up about a half hour of the film. The climax of the film culminates in all the characters together in the boss's unstable house playing a murder version of hot potato while government brokers try to push the house off a cliff and solve their crime problem and their housing violation problem at once. The twenty minutes of them trying to escape the house that's suspended over a cliff are mindless. The film had some redeeming qualities. Music numbers never fail to amuse us for instance. We are always able to amuse each other when we have ridiculous content to base jokes off of. There are a lot of misplaced sound effects that feature Adam's least favorite instrument in existence: the slide whistle. Our subtitles kept saying "rascal" when the actors were literally saying "bastard." We weren't bored. But we've seen better. And if you're wondering if there's an awful ear-wormy theme song, you're in luck.
Spoon Rating: 4.5 Note: Grandma is currently in a nursing home. It is unclear whether she will be able to return to Bad Movie Night for her poignant reviews. On a side note, the bad movie shelf has been updated. Feast your eyes on this glory (you can click on the picture to get a better look at what's on it):
