The Last Vampire On Earth [2010]

[Cross-posted on the Bad Movie Night Facebook page.]

Some facts about this film:

• Yes, it's a "Twilight" ripoff and the font of the title really gives it away.
• There's no Wikipedia page for it but on IMDb the movie is categorized as horror, romance, and sci-fi. It is literally none of these things.
• At the same time this film came out, the screenwriter hastily published a novelized version of it so they could say the movie was based on the book. You can still buy it. All the Amazon reviews are sarcastic.
• If you buy the DVD you will end up getting a color corrected version of the original. We sought out the uncorrected version where everything is poorly lit and sickeningly colored and the edges have that 1910s tunnel vision effect for some reason.
• The director's name is Vitaliy Versace which is definitely a drag name. He has movies coming out in the future called "Taekwondo Kid" and "Homie Alone."
• Every actor who is supposed to be in college in the movie looks like they were randomly selected from a screamo concert in 2006 and forced into being in this movie. Like Michelle from "The Room," the main character's best friend seems to be the only one who's kind of trying.
• I have seen better movies made by high schoolers with smart phones.

The plot centers around Chloe, an anthropology student who frequently can't be bothered to get out of her pajamas before class, and Aurelius, an awkward hematology student who hisses at people and is just as white as everyone else in the class but we are supposed to believe this is weird. In their lit class where they are reading "Dracula" (yes, too on the nose), they are told they must perform it as a play and their professor randomly selects students for roles because he apparently likes humiliation more than theater. Chloe gets the role of Mina Harker and Aurelius is Dracula. HINT. The play forces them to be in each other's vicinity so they get to know each other and Chloe tells him about how she's really into church and invites him to go with her. She's a Jehovah Witness although unlike with "Dracula" where the 

writers seemed to at least read some CliffNotes, the only thing that was accurate about the Jehovah's Witnesses in the film was their aversion to blood transfusions, which leads to their inevitable disgust in Aurelius's major (side note: is there anywhere you can actually major in hematology specifically; that seems odd). Like "Twilight," there are seemingly endless montages but Chloe and Aurelius don't seem to be falling in love so much as they look like they are friends who get high together. Chloe finds some donation blood in Aurelius's house which he tells her is for a project for his major but she figures out he's a vampire. The scene where they discuss it is almost lifted verbatim from "Twilight." Then Chloe reveals to Aurelius that she has AIDS, a fact that is hinted at consistently throughout the film but really hard for us to comprehend because how does a religious twenty year old get AIDS? The answer is that she did missionary work in Africa and by holding a bleeding child with the disease she contracted HIV although the movie doesn't seem to know the difference between HIV and AIDS. She asks Aurelius if he could change her into a vampire so they can spread good vibes through the world forever and during the laziest production of "Dracula" ever the film ends with him looking like he's going in for the bite but who knows? No sequel exists to answer the question of whether he does it or not. The film ends with the slowest credit sequence you could imagine just to push the film to that 90 minute mark.

Aside from the monotonous acting, the bad cinematography, the bad editing, the boring plot, the unchecked facts, the pseudo-intellectual rambling, the fact that most of the budget went to eyeliner, and the implausible AIDS contraction, one of the weirdest things about this movie is actually how close it feels to being a religious film. We've watched a lot of religious films at BMN and this one so strongly has the vibe of one, made clearer by the fact that it is very innocent, there is no romance, and religion plays such a huge part. The point when we were sure it wasn't was in the semi-climax when Chloe stops a bunch of her church members from burning Aurelius at the stake and she actually says a swear and shoots a guy for playing with a lighter. By hey, maybe she redeems herself with eternal missionary work and he finds cures for diabetes and HIV and everything's fine.

Quote:

[You must imagine this said in the flattest monotone.] "I always wanted to play a sultry female vampire. Who knew that lit class would bring all my dreams to fruition?"

Spoon Rating: 6