Descendants 2 [2017]

[Cross-posted on the Bad Movie Night Facebook page.]

"Descendants 2" is unquestionably the gayest movie any of us have ever seen. After watching "Descendants" last month we had left with a positive enough impression that watching the sequel was pretty much a guarantee but we were wholly unprepared for how much gayer an already fairly gay universe could get. In the first one it seemed like Carlos was a closet case and Chad could very easily also be gay but we didn't think much about it beyond that. We were much more interested in the implications surrounding the phrase, "On the island we don't date. It's more gang activity." That was only scratching the surface. I could write a whole review just about the gayness but I won't because this movie is so full of strange things that need to be acknowledged. Still I will end this post with a breakdown of the sexualities of all of the kids for fun.

The movie opens on a music number which was both unexpected and unwanted. It seemed like the kids had suddenly reverted right back to their evil ways and decided to infect Auradon Prep with . . . magic apples that make them dance. Sinister. Immediately new about this film was a visually higher budget and better song writing. The songs were still not good, of course this is a Disney channel original, but they were tolerable and therefore an improvement over "Descendants." We then fall into Mal's evil eye and are taken to the actual present where Mal has dyed her hair a hideous platinum blonde and is not really into her new life as King Ben's girlfriend. She feels like she is spending her life at required meetings and gatherings and, after a fight with Ben over her magic use, she decides to go back to the Isle of the Lost. She gets a new dye job from this movie's "adorable awkward girl who everyone loves" and a haircut that frames her face terribly and is back to her old life.

What's everyone else doing? Evie is making bank off a fashion side business which she runs with her boyfriend, Doug. Jay is captain of the dance-fencing team and is bummed to have to deny a spot to Lonnie, Mulan's daughter, because Chad pulled out the gender specific rulebook. Chad spends his time showering with men and breaking into Jay and Carlos' room when they're sleeping because he has taken a level in gay. And Carlos is struggling to ask out Jane. Yes, Jane, Fairy Godmother's daughter, not Jay. Yes, this is Disney yet again shoehorning in a straight love interest on the gayest character.

Upon realizing Mal has disappeared, Ben and Evie team up to bring her back to Auradon with the boys, who I guess are just obligated to follow the girls. The villain kids teach Ben about "Chillin' Like A Villain." How this phrase wasn't used in the first movie is beyond me. Mal refuses Ben, but then sings a love duet with Evie. She also confronts her nemesis, Uma, Ursula's daughter, and they exchange some passion-filled banter that makes it seem like they might have dated once. Uma, salty that she was not invited to Auradon when Mal was, kidnaps Ben with her gang of gay pirates and refuses to return him until they bring her, you guessed it, Fairy Godmother's wand.

Jay and Carlos return to Auradon to 3D print a wand while Ben tries to reason with his captors. The wand exchange goes down with a Mal/Uma rap battle and way too much sword fighting. On their way out of the Isle, Mal drops her spell book like an idiot.

Back at Auradon it's time for the cotillion on a boat. Carlos asks out Jane, whose mother seems just as horrified as the audience. Evie is somehow still with Doug in spite of her love duet with Mal. Jay takes Lonnie, who he made captain (since the captain's gender was unspecified) and they hardcore seem to be on a bro-date. Oh, and Mal is back with Ben. Until he shows her that he invited Uma and actually he's in love with her now. NO ONE SUSPECTS THE SPELL BOOK. There's a final battle between Mal and Uma where Uma grows tentacles (becoming a decapus) and Mal turns into a dragon. No explanations needed. Mal wins. Let's have a dance number in the now water-logged cruise ship.

And of course, it ends with Uma dropping the key line, "You didn't think this was the end of the story, did you?" Bring on "Descendants 3"! Adam is hoping it will reveal that every kid's other parent is actually Zeus.

 Lucifer, the cat from "Cinderella."

 Lucifier, the Bad Movie Night cat.

And a Ben-Bot malfunctioning.

Spoon Rating: 7

Grandma's Review: "It was good."

The Sexualities Of The Main Characters:

• Mal: Standard Bi
• Evie: "I'm straight . . ." *thinks about Mal* "well, mostly straight."
• Carlos: Very gay. Pretty in the closet. Which is decorated with pictures of Jay.
• Jay: Bi but quiet about it because he's not really interested in dating right now (SPORTS). The last to come out in the group.
• Ben: Bi but more likely to date girls. Literally picked Mal, Evie, Carlos, and Jay because they were the ones he was most attracted to. Has a villain kink.
• Chad: Somehow gayer than Carlos. Also, in love with both Carlos and Jay. Diva worships Audrey.
• Audrey: Lipstick lesbian.
• Jane: Possibly the token straight. More likely ace and sees dating Carlos as the best of both worlds because he can cuddle her and emotionally connect with her without wanting sex.
• Lonnie: Pretty futch, tbh. Could go any way.
• Doug: Heteroflexible.
• Uma: Power lesbian.
• Harry: Answers "Sexuality?" with "Oh yeah."
• Gil: Needs help figuring it out.