Runaway [2010]

[Cross-posted on the Bad Movie Night Facebook page.]

Kanye West is a madman but I don't think there's anyone who doubts this. However his musical short film "Runaway" is a bit more debatable; it straddles that thin line between pretentious and nonsensical, impressively without ever slipping into profundity. 

It's not really so much a musical as it is a way of offering samples of a lot of the songs on Kanye's well-received but very pretentiously named "My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy" album with the only song played in full being "Runaway" itself. There's a plot. Sort of. Kanye runs down a street to an explosion where he finds a birdlady who he brings home to let her explore his backyard while he creepily watches her. Then he plays a soundboard for her to dance to and teaches her how to use human utensils. They also watch a spontaneous parade that has a marching band, a giant paper mache Michael Jackson head, and people wearing red capirote which may or may not be a KKK reference. Then they go to a dinner party in a warehouse where he performs "Runaway" while a bunch of ballerinas dance to it (this is the bulk of the film) but the party is ruined when they bring out the poultry main course and his birdgirlfriend flips out. She tells him she's a phoenix and that she will be trapped here forever if he doesn't let her burn. This is the most dialogue and explanation we get in the entire movie and then they have sex with their clothes on and she goes away to burn or something with the same shot of Kanye running as in the beginning. Symbolism! Also most scene changes are punctuated with explosions that would make Michael Bay proud.

Yeah, this makes very little sense. Kanye's acting is hilarious. But, to quote Adam, "At least he hired a cinematographer." The movie is actually aesthetically pleasing and pretty but style without substance can't get you far.

Quote:
Dinner Guest: "Your girlfriend is really beautiful."
Kanye West: "Thank you."
Dinner Guest: "Do you know she is a bird?"
Kanye West: [contemplatively] "No, I never noticed that."

Adam's Grandma's Review: "It's different. Different from anything."

Trapped In The Closet (Chapters 23 - 33) [2012]

[Cross-posted on the Bad Movie Night Facebook page.]

Now that we have completed R. Kelly's hip-hopera "Trapped In The Closet", at least up until the point that he has finished, it really begs the question of why this series has even continued as long as it has. After chapter 12 the quality of the music takes a sharp dip into rhythm-less sung dialogue and the plot becomes ridden with holes and unfinished or nonsensical threads. The quality of these chapters dipped even more to the point that we're pretty sure R. Kelly just paid out of pocket to make this in hopes of trying to stay relevant off the cultural phenomenon he created. The hope we had with watching this installment of chapters was that something about the first 22 would be answered or resolved. What happened instead was something we had not anticipated: it became self aware.

The plot of these chapters is thin and boring. Pimp Lucius (played by R. Kelly) goes home to his parents who are revealed to be Rosie and Randolph (played by R. Kelly), Cathy and Rufus go to see a marriage counselor (played by R. Kelly), Sylvester (played by R. Kelly) makes more incomprehensible business deals with some other guy (played by R. Kelly), and Tina breaks up with Roxanne with intentions of going back to Twan (none of those three are played by R. Kelly). All the other characters are not shown probably because the actors were busy doing anything else. The music remained the same but with one brief chase scene when it turned from R&B to a full on "Starsky & Hutch" 70s anthem that confused us all.

However, with the boring plot and bad dialogue came the weirdest meta moments this side of "Sharknado"'s marketing. Lines like "Twan hands me the script" and "I'm leaving this scene" are uttered. The characters have confessional moments where they appear on a show called "Out Of The Closet with Larry" and talk about their experiences. At one point the interviewer asks a character if "the package" is AIDS like we had all speculated that it might be but the character refuses to answer. The Reverend pulls out and advertises a "Trapped In The Closet" book. And R. Kelly puts on black face. For real.

Claiming you are in on the joke of how amusingly bad your movie is didn't work for Tommy Wiseau and it won't work for you R. Kelly. But never fear! R. Kelly is also working on "Trapped In The Closet: The Movie", "Trapped In The Closet: The Book" (which will be a prequel), and "Trapped In The Closet: On Broadway" all of which are supposedly coming out sometime between now and next year. You will never leave the closet.

Quote: [opening lines] "Well, if this hasn't taught you nothing else it's taught you that everybody's got a closet."

Trapped In The Closet (Chapters 1 - 22) [2007]

[Cross-posted on the Bad Movie Night Facebook page.]

Last week Keith and Adam's grandma were snowed in in Maine and Kay was having car trouble on top of that so there was no bad movie night. Hopefully the snow will slow down on Mondays so we can stop cancelling. But oh, have we tried to make up for it with this one: the legendary hip-hopera, R. Kelly's "Trapped In The Closet." We only watched up to chapter 22 because the whole thing is almost three hours and there's only so much you can take at once so we will be concluding it next week. The crop of chapters we watched were made from 2005-2007. The remaining chapters were released in 2012.

Quite simply, it must be seen to be believed. The story is a convoluted series of affairs, unnecessary gun wielding, and some minor crime that is best explained through a "who's boinking who" chart that I was going to make myself but found on Wikipedia anyway. After the first 12 the chart is a boinking chain consisting of eight people with one main character not included but by 22 it's a mess including four marriages, five affairs (one homosexual), one lesbian relationship, a bunch of friendships, and one stripper midget who poops his pants. The chart on the left doesn't even include business associates and Sylvester's parents.

As Adam pointed out after the first 12, the opera is very similar to "The Room" but with a lot more people. So how do the two relate?
* Both are essentially one possibly crazy man's vision.
* Both have lines that don't sound like things real people say delivered strangely.
* Both are about affairs and other "real world problems" like drugs and pimping.
* Both seem to be played really serious but have some people insisting they're intentionally funny.
* Both have a poor grasp of how film techniques are used ("The Room's" reestablishing shots vs. "Trapped's" curtain wipes and fading R. Kelly hologram).
* Both are kind of repetitive.
* Both have character's wielding guns and getting disproportionally angry about stuff.
These chapters ended on a cliffhanger about some sort of package that Rufus, the preacher, apparently got. We think it might be code for AIDS. I wish I was kidding.

So with such a masterfully convoluted plot, how about the music? R. Kelly sings all the parts, changing his voice sometimes for certain characters like Southern-accented Bridget, and follows the same song pattern that rhymes for the first few parts before it descends into just singing what people are saying with the same plopping noise and "Ooo"s in the background throughout. The best thing about the way it's structured is the fact that each part has a tendency to end on some big reveal that then echoes ominously. Examples include, "I pulled back the cover. Oh my god, a rubber! Rubber! Rubber!" and "But the man's a midget! Midget! midget!" It is top-tier comedy. Also, while R. Kelly refers to himself as "I" in the first few parts, he soon turns into two people "Sylvester" and "The Disappearing Narrator" and is often represented as both people, sometimes without even changing his clothes. Not to mention he also plays a bunch of the "comedic" minor characters which is pretty painful to watch.

Condoms my friend Alex received at a "Trapped In The Closet" showing and gave to me.

Aside from the wonder that is "Trapped In The Closet (Chapters 23 - 34)" which only comes out to about 45 minutes we found something else to watch next week from this conversation:
Adam: "Which other artists would you like to see make something like this?"
Kay: "I don't know."
Adam: "How about Kanye West?"
Kay: "Oh, that'd be so pretentious!"
Adam: "Yeah!"
Kay: ". . . Now that I think about it, he did make a short film called 'Runaway'."
Adam: "Get out of my house."

Quote: Too many to list and they're all 1000x funnier sung.

Bad Movie Night Crew Review: "Destroy all closets."

Adam's Grandma's Review: "Confusing. It must be funny though because you were all laughing."

The Last Airbender [2010]

[Cross-posted on the Bad Movie Night Facebook page.]

Due to a coming snowstorm and the fact that there was an actual curfew on when we could leave our houses, there was no Bad Movie Night two weeks ago. Last Monday we did manage to gather after plows had come by and decided that it was totally necessary to watch another M. Night Shyamalan ("After Earth" will probably be coming soon). This movie is based off of a well-loved and acclaimed television series so there's already a built in fanbase and its literally structured to make a trilogy of movies possible. So what went wrong? Shyamalan, of course. If he's incapable of breathing life into any of the characters and stories he creates himself, how could he possibly find the heart of something someone else made and present it to an audience that is fundamentally more apt to explain why it's good?

So I guess I should explain the plot even though why does it even matter, it's a Shyamalan movie, don't watch it. The world is divided up by the four elements and there are some people called benders who can control the element to which they are native to. The avatar is the one person who can bend all the elements and connect with the spirit world. Avatar goes missing, fire nation is evil and wants to rule the world so they try to, then a girl and her brother find the avatar frozen in a block of ice and get him out and now he needs to learn bending elements other than his native air so he can bring peace to the land. But he only learns water in this one because trilogy. There's more to it but whatever. Heroes run from villains. Get captured and escape. Repeat until final battle when good guys win even though the story's not over. 

Aside from my explanation of why it sucks in the first paragraph there are the added facts that the dialogue doesn't sound like real human speech, characters constantly ask other characters to explain the plot, totally hilarious shouting while bending, bad child acting (and adult acting really), and a plot that pretty much clunks to conclusion. Luckily, it does not seem like there will be a sequel. 

Best Scene: Because the dialogue was bland but hammy it's hard for me to write any of it and do it justice. There is a scene however where Zuko and his uncle are talking about something and when the conversation ends, the camera zooms out to show that his uncle was getting a foot massage the entire time they were talking. We suspect this was the Shyamalanian twist.

From Justin To Kelly [2003]

[Cross-posted on the Bad Movie Night Facebook page.]

There's a valuable lesson to be learned from this movie: Just because you can do something doesn't mean you should. In fact, if ever you find yourself thinking that doing something questionable might be a great idea if it turns a profit, you should really assess the situation. "American Idol" was a hugely successful television show (is it still on or have the kids all turned to "X Factor" and "The Voice"?) back in its first season so, of course, there was a push to capitalize on this success in every way possible which ended in a pile of flames with this movie. Written by Kim Fuller, the human responsible for inflicting "Spice World" on us and possible relation to "American Idol" creator Simon Fuller, and directed by the human who directed "She's All That", this movie reeks of the 90s in spite of being made in 2003. It is also void of a main plot, quotable lines, or memorable songs (titles include "Anytime", "Timeless", "Wish Upon A Star", "It's Meant To Be", "Forever Part Of Me", etc. on the blandness). But at least there's . . . dancing?! I don't know.

Since this movie had even less main plot than "The Baby Sitter's Club" it's best to talk about it subplot by subplot. Justin and his two friends are spring break event organizers. Perpetually Shirtless Friend is a slimeball who keeps getting tickets from Hot Cop thereby losing any event money he makes but they hook up at the very end so it's okay. Nerdy Friend is trying to hunt down a girl he met in a Xena chat room but they just keep missing each other until the very end in which they hook up. Kelly and her two friends are spring breakers. Smart Minority Friend has a romance with Older Busboy Man that is more believable and interesting than the main romance although she does foolishly lose him his job but in the very end he forgives her and they hook up again. Unreasonable Bitch Friend spends the whole movie trying to break up Justin and Kelly but not necessarily because she wants Justin but because she is jealous of Kelly's "nice girl charm." Right. Either way at the very end neither of Bitch Friend's two friends has kicked her ass to the curb as they should and she's seen dancing with some dude she probably hooks up with so apparently evil has no consequences. As for our title characters, they dance for two seconds which is apparently all true love needs and then she saves him from a bunch of angry girls and suddenly they know everything about each other so they sing a love song on a boat where they aren't even looking at each other. And their love lasted forever until she had to go back home to Texas. Presumably.

Best Scene: There wasn't really a memorable line but there was a memorable scene. Nerdy Friend is in the hotel room when this beefy dude breaks in determined to beat him up because he thinks he stole his girlfriend. Nerd tries to talk him out of it by saying that if he thinks his girlfriend is cheating, he should be having a conversation about it with her. The guy calms down and asks Nerd if he wants to get a drink and talk more about their feelings. Nerd agrees but does question, "This goes no further than friendship, right?"

Adam's Grandma's Review: "I didn't like it. It was boring." (We think she's lying. She seemed way more invested than any of us were.)

To get an idea of the PG fun that ensued, we had a video of one of the numerous beach party scenes with "Hanging Out With The Family" from "Birdemic" over it but Fox blocked the video so you'll just have to imagine it. This might also mark the first time in history someone actually claimed responsibility for this film.

Hobgoblins [1987]

[Cross-posted on the Bad Movie Night Facebook page.]

 

Finally my "It's the 80s. Let's do a bunch of coke and vote for Ronald Regan" joke can be used in the original context: "Mystery Science Theater 3000"'s episode of "Hobgoblins," the most transparent rip-off of "Gremlins" that Rick Sloane, the director, writer, and producer, could conceive. And this movie is very 80s from the see-through skirts with leggings to the video game music they rock out to to the 80s version of the five man band cast consisting of the bumbling hero who is insecure about his masculinity, his librarian-looking girlfriend who is not helping, the jock who just got back from basic training, the slutty chick with the hair scrunchies who he's boinking, and the geek who calls phone sex lines from the hero's house (okay that last one is weirdly specific but there is always a geek).

The bumbling hero gets a job as a security guard of an empty studio lot where he works alongside an even more bumbling old man who has worked there 30 years. One day he goes into this curiously unlocked vault and accidentally released the hobgoblins which are essentially gremlins who make you hallucinate your fantasies before killing you with them. Slow motion golf cart chase scenes to dramatic music ensue. The hobgoblins go to the hero's house where first the geek imagines that the woman at the phone sex line shows up and wants him to take her to Reputation Point (which has designated areas for "Kissing Only" and "All The Way") where she tries to push his car over the cliff. Then the hero's librarian girlfriend goes missing and they end up following her to Club Scum where she does a striptease and then tries to have sex with a smarmy bouncer because I guess her fantasy is being objectified by street cat callers and venereal diseases. In the middle of the club the hobgoblins arrive and the jock's fantasy of becoming Rambo comes alive and he throws himself on a grenade which sets him on fire instead of sending pieces of him everywhere. The hero saves the day (his fantasy) after being attacked by a dude with nun-chucks he has no idea how to use and the jock inexplicably lives with barely any injuries. The movie ends with the jock and his skanky girlfriend humping in a van with comical sound effects for the second time while the geek asks the ending line, "Excuse me, can I borrow your phone?" Art.

If all the faux sexy jokes and furry terror doesn't do much for you there is a moment when the world famous because of this movie band The Fontanelles played a song at Club Scum. To me they sound like a poor combination of Bauhaus and Soft Cell. Such 80s. So synth. Wow. Also, lengthy, pointless fighting with a rake and a hoe (literally; not the jock and his girlfriend).

Quotes:

"A motorcycle is like the world's largest vibrator."

"What's all that screaming?"

"That's me faking my orgasm for you."

[after end credits]

"Please remain seated until the movie comes to a complete stop."

Adam's Grandma's Review: "Terrible. Bad, bad, bad movie."

The Happening [2008]

[Cross-posted on the Bad Movie Night Facebook page.]

Oh, M. Night Shyamalan. I'm not sure if there's ever been a director who started out a career on such a promising high note only to become a name synonymous with bad movies. After two good movies and then a steady decline into bad, "The Happening" marks the moment his films went from "not good" to "amazingly terrible". After this he directed "Avatar: The Last Airbender", which united fans of the television show with first time watchers in mutual hatred, and "After Earth", one of, if not the most, panned movie of 2013 with the surprising twist that M. Night Shyamalan directed it (he really managed to keep that one secret; oh, uh, spoiler alert). While either of those are perfect candidates for a Bad Movie Night, I doubt they could compare in sheer hilarity to "The Happening."

"The Happening" is when people suddenly start feeling the need to kill themselves and it starts in large populations, moving on to smaller and smaller groups. It is caused by some airborne toxin but no one really understands it and they make a point of foreshadowing that. We follow Elliot and his somewhat estranged wife Alma as they spontaneously get custody of Elliot's friend's daughter and wander around Pennsyltucky, not really sure how to protect themselves from the trees. They encounter a hippie and his wife who are really passionate about hot dogs, an MP private who swears with the phrase "cheese and crackers!", and two weirdly confrontational middle schoolers. The main event, however, is when they end up at the house of a crazy old lady who doesn't believe in electricity and asks deadpan questions like "Why you eyein' my lemon drink?" and "Planning on murdering me in my sleep, are you?" while still inviting them for dinner and offering a room. This movie was a unanimously voted future rewatch,

While you are watching the movie, it's easy to get hung up on how terrible the acting is as most lines are delivered with no feeling (Mark Wahlberg) or entirely too much feeling (John "DON'T TAKE MY DAUGHTER'S HAND UNLESS YOU MEAN IT" Leguizamo) but if you look past that it's pretty clear that the true enemy is the script which is full of unfathomable lines no one actually says in real life, nonsensical plot points, and aimlessness. You wouldn't care about your acting either. 

Other Quotes:
(while watching a video of lions ripping off a man's arms) "What kind of terrorists are these?"

Adam's Grandma's Review: "It was good. I liked it."