Trapped In The Closet (Chapters 23 - 33) [2012]

[Cross-posted on the Bad Movie Night Facebook page.]

Now that we have completed R. Kelly's hip-hopera "Trapped In The Closet", at least up until the point that he has finished, it really begs the question of why this series has even continued as long as it has. After chapter 12 the quality of the music takes a sharp dip into rhythm-less sung dialogue and the plot becomes ridden with holes and unfinished or nonsensical threads. The quality of these chapters dipped even more to the point that we're pretty sure R. Kelly just paid out of pocket to make this in hopes of trying to stay relevant off the cultural phenomenon he created. The hope we had with watching this installment of chapters was that something about the first 22 would be answered or resolved. What happened instead was something we had not anticipated: it became self aware.

The plot of these chapters is thin and boring. Pimp Lucius (played by R. Kelly) goes home to his parents who are revealed to be Rosie and Randolph (played by R. Kelly), Cathy and Rufus go to see a marriage counselor (played by R. Kelly), Sylvester (played by R. Kelly) makes more incomprehensible business deals with some other guy (played by R. Kelly), and Tina breaks up with Roxanne with intentions of going back to Twan (none of those three are played by R. Kelly). All the other characters are not shown probably because the actors were busy doing anything else. The music remained the same but with one brief chase scene when it turned from R&B to a full on "Starsky & Hutch" 70s anthem that confused us all.

However, with the boring plot and bad dialogue came the weirdest meta moments this side of "Sharknado"'s marketing. Lines like "Twan hands me the script" and "I'm leaving this scene" are uttered. The characters have confessional moments where they appear on a show called "Out Of The Closet with Larry" and talk about their experiences. At one point the interviewer asks a character if "the package" is AIDS like we had all speculated that it might be but the character refuses to answer. The Reverend pulls out and advertises a "Trapped In The Closet" book. And R. Kelly puts on black face. For real.

Claiming you are in on the joke of how amusingly bad your movie is didn't work for Tommy Wiseau and it won't work for you R. Kelly. But never fear! R. Kelly is also working on "Trapped In The Closet: The Movie", "Trapped In The Closet: The Book" (which will be a prequel), and "Trapped In The Closet: On Broadway" all of which are supposedly coming out sometime between now and next year. You will never leave the closet.

Quote: [opening lines] "Well, if this hasn't taught you nothing else it's taught you that everybody's got a closet."