Hobgoblins [1987]

[Cross-posted on the Bad Movie Night Facebook page.]

 

Finally my "It's the 80s. Let's do a bunch of coke and vote for Ronald Regan" joke can be used in the original context: "Mystery Science Theater 3000"'s episode of "Hobgoblins," the most transparent rip-off of "Gremlins" that Rick Sloane, the director, writer, and producer, could conceive. And this movie is very 80s from the see-through skirts with leggings to the video game music they rock out to to the 80s version of the five man band cast consisting of the bumbling hero who is insecure about his masculinity, his librarian-looking girlfriend who is not helping, the jock who just got back from basic training, the slutty chick with the hair scrunchies who he's boinking, and the geek who calls phone sex lines from the hero's house (okay that last one is weirdly specific but there is always a geek).

The bumbling hero gets a job as a security guard of an empty studio lot where he works alongside an even more bumbling old man who has worked there 30 years. One day he goes into this curiously unlocked vault and accidentally released the hobgoblins which are essentially gremlins who make you hallucinate your fantasies before killing you with them. Slow motion golf cart chase scenes to dramatic music ensue. The hobgoblins go to the hero's house where first the geek imagines that the woman at the phone sex line shows up and wants him to take her to Reputation Point (which has designated areas for "Kissing Only" and "All The Way") where she tries to push his car over the cliff. Then the hero's librarian girlfriend goes missing and they end up following her to Club Scum where she does a striptease and then tries to have sex with a smarmy bouncer because I guess her fantasy is being objectified by street cat callers and venereal diseases. In the middle of the club the hobgoblins arrive and the jock's fantasy of becoming Rambo comes alive and he throws himself on a grenade which sets him on fire instead of sending pieces of him everywhere. The hero saves the day (his fantasy) after being attacked by a dude with nun-chucks he has no idea how to use and the jock inexplicably lives with barely any injuries. The movie ends with the jock and his skanky girlfriend humping in a van with comical sound effects for the second time while the geek asks the ending line, "Excuse me, can I borrow your phone?" Art.

If all the faux sexy jokes and furry terror doesn't do much for you there is a moment when the world famous because of this movie band The Fontanelles played a song at Club Scum. To me they sound like a poor combination of Bauhaus and Soft Cell. Such 80s. So synth. Wow. Also, lengthy, pointless fighting with a rake and a hoe (literally; not the jock and his girlfriend).

Quotes:

"A motorcycle is like the world's largest vibrator."

"What's all that screaming?"

"That's me faking my orgasm for you."

[after end credits]

"Please remain seated until the movie comes to a complete stop."

Adam's Grandma's Review: "Terrible. Bad, bad, bad movie."