Outcast [2014]

[Cross-posted on the Bad Movie Night Facebook page.]

This is a movie that fails on basically every level, and ultimately we are the ones who must suffer for this. On the surface, this movie seems like a winner. It stars Nicolas Cage and Hayden Christensen, two actors renowned for their odd acting choices. It is set in 1100s China for some reason. No one saw it. This feels like good omens all around until you are an hour into the movie and you wonder if Nic Cage is ever going to actually show up. He does, by the way, for a mere twenty minutes of the film, the best twenty minutes but still barely worth it after having to spend an hour watching Christensen and the two non-evil children of the former emperor wandering around China. This movie also only made back one fifth of its budget, and part of the reason for that is that it was banned in Hong Kong for promoting the white savior narrative. And if you can't make your money back in China, with a movie that is set in China and has Asian actors, you are screwed. The Wikipedia page even uses the Chinese poster for the movie, which is just so very sad. But if the movie wasn't really meant to be seen in America, and China found it offensive, who is it for? No one. No one but bad movie people who clap excitedly at the prospective of another eccentric Nic Cage performance.

The movie starts in the Middle East during the Crusades with Nic and Hay killing brown people for Jesus. We were a little confused about what this had to do with anything because a few years later we ended up in China (the Far East) with a whole plot regarding an old emperor bequeathing his kingdom to his younger son who escapes with his sister while the older son offs his dad and claims he didn't do it. The young son and sister (who is apparently a well known actress in China and going to be Mulan in a live action Disney remake) run into Hayden in an opium-stupor and somehow this leads to a team up. They wander forever and eventually pick up another lost girl who holds no baring on the plot. Not much happens in this hour. Finally Nic Cage, a.k.a. The White Ghost, shows up with one eye and a pirate accent for the only funny parts of the movie. There's a final showdown against the big brother who kills Nic Cage and his Chinese wife and stabs his sister and Hayden. Somehow the sister and Hayden survive and the 14-year-old brother is put on the throne and all is well. Because never in history did a child ruler lead to a military coup.

Aside from the white savior nonsense and the overall limp plot, there are a couple other bad things worth pointing out. The direction is garbage, and it turns out this is actually a directorial debut. There's a lot of shaky camera and a really strange scene where Hayden dumps water over his head and the camera is inside the bucket. The editing is confusing to the point where it seems like the camera is trying to hide things from the audience. Fight scenes involve an entire army attacking a single guy one or two men at a time. Oh, and there's at least one instance of "that slutty outfit the barmaid is wearing isn't historically accurate." 

Overall, if you can find just the twenty minutes Nic Cage is in then this movie is worth exactly that amount of time and no more.

Spoon Rating: 2

Con Air [1997]

[Cross-posted on the Bad Movie Night Facebook page.]

I had to double check that Michael Bay was not involved in this film because this is an insanely Michael Bay film. The movie opens with shots of war that are mostly explosions and close-ups of American flags for God's sake. And just look at that movie cover!

The movie follows the curiosity that is Nicolas Cage as he returns home from a war (which one?), has some rednecks uncharacteristically hate on him for being military (don't rednecks love blind patriotism?) and having an attractive wife (who specifically won't sleep with them thereby making her a whore or something), and then accidentally kills one of them in a fight (while explosions burst behind them for no reason). Being that his hands are deadly weapons, he gets sent away for seven years, getting parole on the day of his daughter who he's never met's birthday. He just needs to take one little prison plane ride first and OH NO, John Malkovich is a crazy and clever killer who has teamed up with other inmates to hijack the plane! What will our hero do? Recite oddly cadenced lines and try to find a way to get his cellmate friend his insulin while sending John Cusack clues about where the plane is so the government can stop it, that's what. Among the various passengers there's best selling black militant author Ving Rhames, creepy rapist Danny Trejo, silly crackhead Dave Chappelle, and the inexplicable only sane man cannibal Steve Buscemi and his Buscemeyes. Hilarity ensues of both the intentional and unintentional kind with a bit more of the latter as the convicts try to make it to Mexico and run out of gas, ending up in a plane graveyard of a town in the desert. This really could have set the scene for a fun buddy comedy but unfortunately the movie up until that point didn't seem to be heading in that direction. What followed instead were scene after scene of fighting and explosions and none of us knew what was going on. Then the action switched to Vegas and repeated. Bad guys died, modes of transportation became scrap metal, and Nic Cage met his daughter while that annoying Trisha Yearwood song that was so damn popular at the time played again. 

Also, there was a scene where a car was tied to the end of a plane and when the plane was taking off, the car smashed directly into a control tower. This is a metaphor for the film as a whole, I'm sure.

Nic Cageiest Line: "Put the bunny back in the box!"

Adam's Missing Movie Line: "I may be a con but I have CONviction."

Adam's Grandma's Review: "It's good like you said. Lots of action."

The Wicker Man [2006]

[Cross-posted on the Bad Movie Night Facebook page.]

[Also, sorry for a very belated entry (well, soon to be three). Being out of the country got in the way of writing.]

Back in 1973 the movie "Wicker Man" was released and it was called the "Citizen Kane of horror movies." It was about a devout policeman going to investigate the disappearance of a little girl from an isolated community in Nowhere, Britain. It was creepy and engaging and had a very pretty song in it. This is the remake. Starring Nicolas Cage. 

After being written a letter by an ex saying that her daughter has gone missing (one guess who the father is), Nic Cage ventures to a mysterious isolated community that is almost solely women with the exception of a few men who are silent and used for labor and breeding (Pro tip: this is not the feminist agenda but anti-feminists will tell you that it is). No one will give him any information about the girl including her own mother who acts like she is constantly on some high doses of sleep inducing medicine. In spite of physical evidence to the contrary, every one in the community denies that the girl ever existed in the first place. There's also a squirming thing in a bag that you never actually see inside of, a bunch of schoolgirls shouting out "phallic symbol, phallic symbol, phallic symbol" in cult-like monotones, and vague talk of an upcoming festival. 

The acting is every thing you want it to be when it comes from Nic Cage and the plot is held together by the thinnest threads but gosh, are Cage freakouts always fun to watch.

Summarizing Line: "I'm trying to trust you here but every time I turn my head there's something that doesn't make any sense!"

Interesting Credit: (at the very end) "FOR JOHNNY RAMONE."

Adam's Grandma's Review: "Eh, it was okay." (a few minutes later) "What a waste."

Keith and Adam's grandma were really on the ball and decided to contribute to the experience by providing wicker:

Also, here is a collection of scenes from the film. You probably don't want to watch the whole thing since it's full of spoilers but you should definitely skip to the 4 minute mark and watch the proceeding ten seconds. Nic Cage dressed as a bear punches a woman in the face and then tells the girl next to her, "Don't be frightened!." It's glorious.