Verotika [2019]

 "I don't like Danzig. He gives me the impression of someone who will say he doesn't care what people think of him but deeply wants to be taken seriously." - Adam

This is a weird one for a lot of reasons. First of all, it's written, directed, and scored by Glenn Danzig of Misfits fame and for being a solo artist who also had a song better covered by Johnny Cash. Second of all, while it is definitely a high ranking bad movie, I would not recommend it to everyone. Sure, we have watched our fair share of bloody or horny movies, and make no mistake that this is both, but the film started out in a way that was so distressing we had to stop until Adam and Sarah put Jade to bed because she started screaming. Basically, to spoil the first two minutes, an Elvia knockoff gouges out the eyes of a screaming, chained-up girl with her acrylics, and it's actually quite realistic looking. I, who am most disturbed by ritualistic sacrifice and body horror, retreated into the couch a bit and wondered how I'd do with the rest of the film. Spoiler: that was just an intro scene, the gouger is our narrator to our trilogy of stories, and nothing is ever that realistic or disturbing again. In fact, the bad acting combined with incompetent directing, nonsensical script, and bad effects and sets, ultimately makes this one a pretty good time. I would just avoid it if you are really disturbed by gore and blood.

The first story in our trilogy, "The Albino Spider of Dajette," is by far the most unique and the one with the most plot. None of them are good, but this once had that going for it. A French girl with eyes instead of nipples sheds a nipple tear onto an albino spider who becomes an evil mime-spider-man who acts out her murderous dreams. He kills her roommate and then a random prostitute and then has sex with someone while Dajette sleeps in a porn theater where the projector is a box fan with a light behind it. Dajette, wracked with guilt, kills herself to prevent the spiderman from hurting anyone else and then he gets shot up by cops. They comment on her eye-nipples but they never get explained.

The second story, "Change of Face," is about a serial killer stripper who has some minor facial scars so she goes around killing women by cutting off their face skin. Most of the segment is strip club scenes with no plot but this segment has the best side character in the form of a cop who talks like Christian Bale's Batman and who is either taking his role very seriously or camping it up on purpose. Six months later she's just working in a different club but still hasn't been caught.

The last story and by far the worst is "Drukija Countess of Blood" and if the title didn't give it away, it's just an Elizabeth Bathory story with even more nudity than usual. Most of it is just the Countess playing in blood like an excited toddler.

So let's count all the ways this film actually made us laugh hysterically. The acting is completely toothless, with the exception of the cop in the second one, and this seems to be because the cast is made up of dead-eyed porn stars and strippers with lip filler. We don't know this for sure but if you look at some of the actors' names, you'll see where we got this idea. The directing is full of zoom-ins to nothing followed by fades-to-black and, of course, gratuitous male gaze. There's tons of padding (the script of the last one was probably two pages long at most). The costumes get worse as it goes on, probably as a result of all the budget getting spent on the eye gouging and fancy bathtub. In general, the whole thing is an exercise in aesthetic over substance, and it's a bad aesthetic. Danzig is a 13-year-old boy who never grew out of his serial killer fascination phase and now we all can see his kinks on full display.

Spoon Rating: 6*

*Again, not for the especially squeamish, but you may be fine if you just look away at the first scene?