Saving Christmas [2014]

[Cross-posted on the Bad Movie Night Facebook page.]

By no hyperbole, this movie is probably the most highly anticipated movie that we have ever watched. We have been looking for a way to watch it since last December after hearing such glowing facts like that it has a 0% on Rotten Tomatoes, that it's a crazy religious movie that a lot of religious people didn't like, and that it stars one of the leaders of the totally illogical Christianity nonsense squad, TV's Kirk Cameron. And it did not disappoint. In fact, it's a new Christmas tradition.

I know I can't cover every ounce of bonkers this movie has to offer but I'm going to try to hit up the major points. The film starts with Kirk chilling in the most Christmas room to ever Christmas and talking about everything in the room that he loves especially the hot chocolate which he talks about a lot throughout the film. We wonder with mild horror if the whole movie is going to be him talking at us from an armchair but we are soon treated to one of three intro screens that tells us the movie has been funded by Liberty University, of course, and then we find ourselves following a very slow Games of Thrones character while Cameron waxes poetic on the nature of stories.

 Needs more Christmas, honestly.

 What is this contraption?

 HOLY HOT CHOCOLATE.

Get me seven more of these.

Now we're at a Christmas party thrown by Cameron's sister (but not his real sister) and the so-called plot can really begin. See, Cameron's brother-in-law, hilariously named Christian, hates Christmas so much that he sees it through rave-vision, but not for the reasons godless heathens hate Christmas (rampant consumerism, bad music, etc.). He hates Christmas because it's full of pagan traditions and doesn't nearly have enough Jesus. So he hides in his car and Cameron joins him to tell him why he's all wrong and that actually all the pagan stuff is Christian stuff. It's a hoot.

"Where's the Jesus?"

"Oh, jeepers. He makes a lot of good points. What do I do?"

"Oh, I know! Lie!"

First he butchers the nativity story and talks a lot about the swaddling cloth. He mostly just says swaddling cloth a lot. Then he draws the Christmas tree back to Genesis because, you know, God made trees and also the solstice so you're totally honoring the Jesus with your pagan symbol, duh. He also literally draws a connection between the tree and the cross by saying that Jesus' crucifixion is just Adam symbolically returning the fruit he ate from the tree in the garden of Eden (we all had assumed when Cameron said that Adam needed to give back the fruit that Adam was supposed to return his poo to God). And what about Santa Claus? Santa Claus is not Jesus, Kirk! But you know who he is? A bar-fighting metalhead, GoT extra named Saint Nicholas who pummels heathens to dub-step and then gives toys to kids.

Santa needs his weekly protection money.

"I heard you had some of that sweet Ghanaese hot chocolate."

Finally, Kirk Cameron's brother-in-law realizes Christmas IS THE BOMB and literally penguin belly slides into the presents while his wife watches dubiously. Then, in what can only be the logical conclusion after being subjected to so many sanitized hip-hop versions of Christmas music (or as Adam calls it, "Santa-tized"), we have a bunch of white people try to dance to a hip-hop "Angels We Have Heard On High" which has the line, "put your wings in the air" in it.

 Kirk Cameron is the devil on our shoulder.

 "I feel something coming on!"

 "Perhaps it's time for some white guy dancing?"

 I think Kirk is controling him with his damn magic.

 "OMG PRESENTS!"

X-TREME CHRISTMAS

In the epilogue of slow motion eating, Cameron justifies materialism and again brings up the nature of stories but now it makes more sense when he really insists that we need to create our own meanings for things. Kirk Cameron wants you to lie because history is not Christian enough.

"Buy things!"

For this viewing party we were joined by Adam's sister and Keith's daughter, Leah, and her fiance, Matt. They assimilated quite well into our crew for the night and I think we all learned a lot about the value of bullshitting. So happy birthday to Adam and Grandma who were both born on December 21st which also happens to be Yule, that pagan holiday that Cameron has stolen all the traditions from. Happy Yule to all (except Kirk Cameron) and to all a good night!

Quotes:
"You're wrong."
"About what?"
"Everything you just said."
". . . I said a lot."

"I saw it on Fox News so I know it's true."

"This Christmas I'm gonna give you something you've been wanting for a long time."
"What is it, Big Papa?"

"Sure, don't max out your credit cards or use presents to buy friends, but remember this is a celebration of the eternal god taking on a MATERIAL body so it is right that our holiday is marked with material things."

Adam's Grandma's Review: "It was good."

Adam's Review: "This is the whitest Christmas ever."

Kirk Cameron: He's basically God himself.