Santa's Slay [2005]

[Cross-posted on the Bad Movie Night Facebook page.]

After wondering for a bit which movie we should inflict upon everyone tonight and encountering some pretty tempting offers including some kind of crazy religious movie about going to hell, former Bad Movie Nighter Randy chimed in via text with a more seasonably appropriate option that makes us wonder about the important things in life. Like: why are there so many Christmas movies with wrestlers playing Santa?

Set in a town called Hell (an actual place in Arizona but this is obviously Canada even with the American flags everywhere), Santa comes down the chimney of a rich person's house and massacres a bunch of pretty recognizable actors who have nothing better to do including Fran Drescher and Chris Kattan. Then we cut to our protoganist: romantically inept teenager Nicholas who just wants his kooky grandfather to stop messing with inventions and celebrate Christmas like everyone else. When he finally asks his grandfather why he's so reluctant to celebrate, Grandpa pulls out an ancient Norse tome that reveals that Santa is actually Satan's son and literal counterpart to Jesus and that he has only been nice for the past 1000 years because he lost a curling match to a mysterious old man. Now Santa's out to make up for lost time, killing strip club patrons and setting the place on fire, stabbing the deli owner with his own menorah, killing a bunch of cops at the police station, and then running over Nicholas' grandfather with his sleigh, pulled by an angry buffalo. Santa has a showdown with Nicholas and his girlfriend at the high school's ice rank where Grandpa comes back from the dead to reveal he was an angel who turned human for love and was the mysterious old man who beat Santa at curling 1000 years prior. They compete, Santa loses, and his sleigh is shot down by Nicholas' girlfriend's redneck father. Santa lives and goes home to return eventually in 3005.

This movie was silly but, as with many things we watch, not really in the right ways. There were a lot of puns, a lot of obvious sound stages, a lot of comical deaths that make you feel totally numb, and a lot of really unfunny, obvious jokes (one of the cops is named "Cock" for instance). If you want a murdering Santa you are better off just watching that episode of "Futurama".

Quotes:
[while in a town called Hell] "What in Hell do we have here?"

[while in a kosher deli] "Something here just isn't kosher."

"He's scary yet educational."

Adam's Grandma's Review: "It was good. I liked it."