Cool Cat Vs. Dirty Dog - The Virus Wars [2024]

Yes, that date is correct. The movie said it was copyrighted in 2024 so I'm sticking to that story. Also, if this sounds a bit similar to Cool Cats Fights Coronavirus, there's a reason for that. Similar to the Cool Cat Kids Superhero situation, this movie is kind of a retread of the previous film but it's longer and does actually involve some new footage. They seemingly used most of the footage from Cool Cats Fights Coronavirus, but this film is a full hour as opposed to twenty minutes. So what was added to the film? Mostly scenes of Cool Cat and Daddy Derek going to various houses, inspecting them, and selling them. Did you know Derek is a real estate agent? He has to highlight something he does every time that has nothing to do with the plot and that would be of no interest to actual kids. There's also at least one new song, and oh man, these songs just keep getting worse. The plot, by the way, has to do with Dirty Dog creating a new virus with magic after Cool Cat defeats corona in the same way he did in the last film. Dirty Dog has a gopher sidekick that is just a stuffed toy voiced by Savage. In the end, Cool Cat stops this virus too (when the Cool Cat harrier jet dropping napalm apparently couldn't) and The Dog references shooting up a school so Cool Cat Stops A School Shooting could still be on the horizon. 

Ultimately if you want to see one of these weird virus movies, this one is more worth your time than Cool Cats Fights Coronavirus but in isolation, it's pretty meh.

Spoon Rating: 4

Blood Shack or The Chooper [1971]

 From the guy who brought us The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-Up Zombies, we have Blood Shack, originally known as The Chooper. That is not a spelling error for Chopper. The film is barely an hour long and pretty easy to summarize. There's an abandoned shack in the desert that is supposed to be haunted by The Chooper, a being who kills everyone who enters. The shack is kind of guarded by a shirtless man named Daniel who buries people after they're killer there but isn't actually the killer. After a dumb girl who decides to stay there alone and subsequently dies, the owner of the land comes to check it out. She has a guy who keeps badgering her to sell it but she refuses. Then she goes to the rodeo a bunch. More people die from just getting close to the shack, and Daniel dutifully buries them for some reason. Finally the landowner is attacked by the Chooper and his mask is taken off to reveal that it was the guy who wanted the land. Obviously. Daniel also gets stabbed by him and dies.

The was actually pretty funny from an acting and directing stance. It's also pretty short so even if you don't like it much, it won't last long. Afterwards we watched a pasta maker infomercial that was okay.

Spoon Rating: 6

Replica [2005]

Gosh darn it, James Nguyen has done it again. This is his second film, shot in between Julie & Jack and Birdemic, and it's somehow so much more poorly made than either of them. Unfortunately, we'll never get anything this pure again since the only films he made after 2010 were sequels full of self-referential humor in the way of Sharknado. The undiluted bad movie beauty is gone. Cherish it.

The film is only an hour long but like his other two movies the first act is way longer than the rest of the film so you don't even hit the second act until more than halfway through the film. It follows a generic everyman who just got a heart transplant made from stem cell cloning; the opening plot description tells us regular cloning is illegal. He's a salesman and, because every one of these movies needs a romance with a blonde girl, he creeps on his doctor until she relents. Creeps on is the accurate expression here; he has even less game than the everymen in the other two films and she absolutely would have blocked him. After some bland dates and a Chinese expression that was utterly baffling and that online research could not verify the existence of, the doctor woman dies in a car crash. Not long after, he sees a brunette girl who looks just like her except she has a tramp stamp with her name, Claudia, and is always wearing low rise bottoms with her bellybutton piercing out (oh, 2005). At least now her intense vocal fry doesn't feel so incongruous. He creeps on this girl too and she dates him instead of macing him and then has the absolute six-feet-under level of self esteem to change her hair and clothes to look like his dead girlfriend, all while being offended that he can't seem to love her for her. Girl, this is what you signed up for when you decided to date this lunatic. In the last fifteen minutes we find out she actually is a clone of the doctor and she was made by the doctor's evil coworker for . . . reasons. Adam had theorized that she would be cloned to finish some project or something, but we literally get no explanation. Everyman and Clone go to destroy the cloning machine and tell the evil doctor beforehand what they're going to do so he pulls a gun on them. A cop shoots down the evil doctor, but the clone gets killed in the process. 

This film has everything: audio feedback, sub-Neil-Breen level green screen, skim milk level acting, Tippi Hedren footage on the television all the time, non-sex scenes, A BIRD. It's so worth a watch, and with the short run time you can even pair it with some wack commercials like we did including the TiddyBear and UroClub. Look them up.

Spoon Rating: 8

Project: Kill [1976]

This movie is not worth it; pulling off the bandage right now. It's really boring. Adam had to take Jade out of the room and we were all envious of how he managed to miss the whole thing.

The plot starts and you think it's going to be something completely different than it is. Leslie Nielsen is in charge of a group of super soldiers who are being juiced by the government. He decides to defect from the group so he stops taking his drugs and runs away to Manila. There he meets up with some old 'Nam buddies and then starts a bland relationship with a woman at his hotel. His former second in command goes looking for him and has some female sidekick that he has a completely not-believable enemies to lovers relationship with. There are also some gangstery guys looking for Nielsen. Eventually the second finds him, kills him, recoups the drugs, and then decides to just throw them in the water and not complete his job. AFTER killing his former boss. Wild. Stupid.

This film was boring. The lighting was kind of funny-bad for a second in the beginning but, oh man, that was all to say.

Spoon Rating: 1

REWATCH: Fight Of Fury [2020]

Tonight we rewatched Fight of Fury because we had Sarah's uncles as guests. Read the original review here. By the way, still no signs of a sequel.

Starcrash [1978]

Looking at the title and the date, it's painfully obvious what this movie is a ripoff of. The very beginning even starts out with the same ship shot but with a really crappy looking model. The film, however, isn't too much like Star Wars outside of a death star type device that needs to be destroyed, light sabers, and a robot sidekick. Otherwise, it just feels like it fits a lot of general sci-fi conventions (that Star Wars probably established honestly). That being said, this movie is very funny and definitely worth a watch.

Our main character is the scantily clad woman on the cover, redundantly named Stella Star. Along with her sidekick, the curiously magic most 70s man to ever exist, and a Southern robot named L (or El? Who knows?), they have to destroy the not-death-star and find Christopher Plummer's son, David Hasselhoff. Yes, they are both in this movie. We're hoping Plummer got a lot of money for his five minutes of screen time. There's a villain with an extremely square head who leaves no piece of scenery unchewed and some of the worst models and effects you could hope for shown with the upmost earnestness. The plot has some detours with Amazons only wearing slightly more clothes than our main character, an ice planet, and some troglodytes, but they eventually find themselves on the not-death-star and meet the Hoff. The last twenty minutes are a battle sequence full of wut where the galaxy is saved. 

Part of what makes this movie a joy outside of the effects and the blatant idea theft is the genuine feeling of it all. The actors are really trying. The sets are probably cheap, but thought is there. The costumes are silly, but they look more like costumes than just garbage thrown together from the back of someone's closet. The hair and makeup is actually really good. They have some real actors in this. Our lead I immediately clocked as a former spokesmodel because although she clearly has a modeling background, she can actually read her lines even if her tone is mostly just "enthusiastic" regardless of the situation. They really tried, and I respect it.

Spoon Rating: 6

Never Too Young To Die [1986]

Last week we didn't have bad movie night because of Halloween movie night, so we resumed tonight with Never Too Young To Die, a movie starring a young John Stamos, a peak Vanity, and Gene Simmons playing an evil intersex person because, yay, representation? Eep.

Evil Gene wants to use his evil squad of BDSM bikers to threaten to poison the water supply for money. The chip with his evil plans is in the hands of Stargrove, a former James Bond who is killed by the evil squad. His son, Stamos, then inherits everything and has to dodge the goons, which he is apparently great at because he's a gymnast. He meets Vanity who used to work for his father, and after about 40 minutes we get the funniest seduction scene ever. Eventually Gene gets the evil device and he and Stamos have a fight on the Hoover Dam that leads to Gene going overboard. There's also the minor character of Stamos' genius roommate who makes a bunch of weapons and stuff and a goon with a very obvious wig and fake beard who turns out to be Gene Simmons in disguise. Oh, and lots of tongue-based kissing. Lots.

This movie was pretty weird and had some really solid dummy use. It's also a really strange entry into the history of transphobic media. It's not amazing, but it's not a waste of time.

Spoon Rating: 5