Never Too Young To Die [1986]

Last week we didn't have bad movie night because of Halloween movie night, so we resumed tonight with Never Too Young To Die, a movie starring a young John Stamos, a peak Vanity, and Gene Simmons playing an evil intersex person because, yay, representation? Eep.

Evil Gene wants to use his evil squad of BDSM bikers to threaten to poison the water supply for money. The chip with his evil plans is in the hands of Stargrove, a former James Bond who is killed by the evil squad. His son, Stamos, then inherits everything and has to dodge the goons, which he is apparently great at because he's a gymnast. He meets Vanity who used to work for his father, and after about 40 minutes we get the funniest seduction scene ever. Eventually Gene gets the evil device and he and Stamos have a fight on the Hoover Dam that leads to Gene going overboard. There's also the minor character of Stamos' genius roommate who makes a bunch of weapons and stuff and a goon with a very obvious wig and fake beard who turns out to be Gene Simmons in disguise. Oh, and lots of tongue-based kissing. Lots.

This movie was pretty weird and had some really solid dummy use. It's also a really strange entry into the history of transphobic media. It's not amazing, but it's not a waste of time.

Spoon Rating: 5