Kung Fu Arts [1978]

[Cross-posted on the Bad Movie Night Facebook page.]

Because Erik wasn't there, we decided to wait on watching "Dolemite," Rudy Ray Moore's classic, and instead opt for a movie that Adam could verify the quality of. The title isn't much but during the very cheap credits we got a very interesting detail about an actor who is described as the "French monkey star." Kay automatically assumed this meant the actor is a monkey but Adam pointed out the monkey could be a nickname for some Frenchman. Kay was right and it wasn't just a little cameo either.

The plot involves a large rivalry for the throne and a king's daughter getting poisoned. He decides that to cure her he will offer her hand in marriage to whoever can make her better. The one who does is a monkey. So she marries a monkey. And the father, in shame, sends her away on a boat with her monkey husband. There is no irony in this premise. The daughter has a son with a non-monkey. Lots of poorly-lit fighting happens. You never get accustomed to the fact that this women is just married to a monkey. Some political stuff happens but it's pretty irrelevant to all the monkeyness.

This one is definitely worth a watch, but it's probably a more enjoyable watch if you don't know where it's going. In addition to the absolutely wild premise, there's a lot of bad camera work, bad lighting, gloriously bad dubbing, and some really wild costumes.

Spoon Rating: 6

Isaac Asimov's Robots [1988] & Reality Check [1998]

[Cross-posted on the Bad Movie Night Facebook page.]

A few weeks ago we had an Occult Demon Cassette double feature of "Isaac Asimov's Robots" and "Reality Check." The first was a VCR mystery game that we didn't actually have the pieces to play along with but it did have some weirdness in its very 80s character designs.

Spoon Rating: 3

The second thing we watched was "Reality Check," a delightfully bad self-defense video. It's a solid time.

Spoon Rating: 6

Enjoy these ambiguous screenshots.

Let's Talk About It: Sex And Dating [1997]

[Cross-posted on the Bad Movie Night Facebook page.]

We decided to forsake the blaxploitation and martial arts options presented to us for more Occult Demon Cassette. Two Fridays ago Adam and Kay went through a bunch of ODC videos and watched a few minutes to see if they might be worth a full watch. From those films that we narrowed down, we decided on one called "Sex And Dating," a Biblically based seminar given to teens by a hillbilly from Virginia who is trying very hard to be cool and relatable. There were a couple of laughs (like how comically off his perception of masturbation by gender is), but overall it was a bit more on the side of interesting artifact. Compared to current religious rhetoric about sex that advocates not hugging until you're engaged, the speaker's stance of holding hands, hugging, and kissing (yes, even of the French variety) is all okay before marriage. The seminar did take a slightly darker turn when his wife came on stage and mentioned some classic traditional marriage talking points (see: woman must serve her husband) but overall, it worked better as a conversation starter than a comedy.

Spoon Rating: 3

After our main feature, we decided on two shorter videos called "The Small Dinner Strategy" and "Gun Safety With Eddie Eagle." 

"The Small Dinner Stategy" was an absolutely wild ride. The video was an instructional guide about how to host dinner parties to raise money for independent pastors by uncomfortably trapping your religious friends with food and a 30 minute plead for cash. We recommend watching it. It's not necessarily funny so much as shocking but you just need to see it.

Spoon Rating: 5

"Gun Safety With Eddie Eagle" is quite funny. A cartoon eagle teaches kids not to touch any guns they find roaming about in the wild. Weirdly though, at least a third of the relatively short run time is devoted to the origin story of Eddie. Jason Priestly is also there to instantly date the production. It's even got a safety dance (no, not that one). 

Spoon Rating: 7

The Visit [2015]

[Cross-posted on the Bad Movie Night Facebook page.]

We started off our evening with an instructional video from Occult Demon Cassette for the Rejuveniqe facial mask, the serial killer's skin care regimen. Then to counter something meant to be pleasant but is actually horrifying, we decided on something meant to be scary but if actually funny: M. Night Shyamalan's "The Visit." It's nice to know that Shyamalan has returned to form by making movies that are unintentionally funny. "The Visit" wasn't quite as good as "The Happening" but it was definitely a time.

The plot follows two kids, an older sister who is making a documentary and a younger brother who raps, as they go to meet and stay with their grandparents for the first time. They quickly realize that their grandparents are really weird. Grandma has night terrors and naked freak-outs. Grandpa keeps soiled diapers in a shed out back and fights strangers on the street. The movie is very slow but every time we get a moment of the grandparents being weird, it's hilarious. At one point grandma ominously makes the sister get in the oven but nothing comes of it. At another point they walk in on the grandfather with a shotgun in his mouth, which he quickly removes, saying, "I was just cleaning it!" Because of the pacing, it was really hard to figure out where we were in the movie until we get the Shyamalan twist: those aren't their grandparents. The sister goes into the basement and finds the bodies of her actual grandparents and has to stab her not-grandma to save her own life. The brother freezes in panic and gets a soiled diaper rubbed on his head but ultimately the two siblings are able to fight off the not-grandpa too. There's an attempt at a heart-warming ending with the mom and an end credits rap from the brother that is painful.

This movie is definitely worth your time. We got quite a few laughs and it's likely those two lines below will enter the pantheon of movie quotes that we randomly shout at each other like "Is it a good bust?" "Yeah. Cocaine." and "Why're you eyeing my lemon drink?"

Quotes:

[while the grandma is explaining grandpa's inconvenience and keeping of his soiled diapers]
"He's a very physical man."

"Why are your pants so low?"

"I rap."

Spoon Rating: 6.5

Surfing For Seniors [1997], How To Be Cool At Parties [1986], & It Ain't Worth It [1986]

[Cross-posted on the Bad Movie Night Facebook page.]

It was a triple feature last night courtesy of our favorite YouTube channel, Occult Demon Cassette. It has been a while since we filled our evening with instructional video nonsense of the VHS era. We went through a few rounds of voting to determine what we should waste our time with and ended up with three very different selections: "Surfing For Seniors," a late-90s guide to using the internet for the elderly, "How To Be Cool At Parties," a children's video about how to be the most annoying person at a party, and "It Ain't Worth It," an abstinence-only video that uses athletes and a rap video to try to convince you to stay celibate.

"Surfing For Seniors" took an approach of teaching that assumed the elderly person watching has never used a computer in any way and made many bizarre analogies to try to explain how to navigate the hardware including referring to the mouse as a hot potato to indicate that you need to use a light touch. It also compared email to the pony express instead of, you know, the mail. We had some fun reading the weird icons on the desktop and laughing at the narration but overall we gave it a Spoon Rating of 4.

"How To Be Cool At Parties" is a video explicitly designed to teach you had to do the exact opposite. Perhaps the real indicator in the title is the fact that it starts with the phrase "show off" which is what you will actually become, and not the impressive kind. In the video, a bunch of people in their 30s and 40s (and Malcolm Jamal-Warner) show you how to do really basic magic tricks, make annoying noises with your nose, and act like you are walking down stairs or slamming your face in a door. They will frequently do the unimpressive thing and then stop to let you know how they did it. There was also a dash of cultural insensitivity on top of that, which reminded us that we as a society have gotten better. The whole thing was incredibly awkward and we got a lot of laughs so we gave it a Spoon Rating of 7.

"It Ain't Worth It" actually looks like something the millennials in the group might have watched in middle school health class, but only because our school frequently showed us 15 year old videos that we found hilarious. The main appeal of the video appears to be the fact that there are athletes in the video, but they are each in the video for a second to deliver a short message. Mostly it's a tall man in a chair that's too small for him talking about waiting until marriage in between teens talking about why they're celibate and a doctor who provides blatantly false facts about STDs, pregnancy, and the effectiveness of condoms, debunked by Sarah, our medical professional. There was also a really bad rap music video because this film was down with the youths. The Spoon Rating on this was a point of contention among the crew. Kay and Erik both thought it was worth watching and gave it a 5, while Adam thought it was more of a 4. We settled on a 4.5.

Wendy Wu: Homecoming Warrior [2006]

[Cross-posted on the Bad Movie Night Facebook page.]

We've had overall mixed results when it comes to Disney Channel Original Movies. "High School Musical 2" and "Descendants 2" were both rewatch quality but for every one of those we have something like "Starstruck," not very good and ultimately forgettable. Adam, in spite of being so amused by the concept of the movie that he put it on his watch list, was sure this one would be of the latter sort but he got out-voted by Kay, Sarah, and Erik so it was our feature for the evening. We were all pleasantly surprised.

The film follows Wendy Wu, a girl who only cares about being elected homecoming queen and knows absolutely nothing about her Chinese heritage. All of that changes when a monk comes looking for her because she is the reincarnation of some female warrior who is destined to defeat a demon that was being contained in an artifact Wendy's mom acquired for a museum exhibit. Wendy's mom, in spite of the fact that she works for a museum, also knows nothing about China. The demon inhabits random people while the monk, Shen, and Wendy go on adventures like shopping for Shen's new wardrobe and training montages. Eventually, the family all gets in touch with their heritage and eats a lot of moon cakes. In the final showdown, the demon infests Wendy's homecoming rival who gets an amazingly silly demon voice and they fight to the death. Shen, who was destined to die in the final battle, is saved by Wendy, proving that you can change your destiny. Wendy abdicates the homecoming crown to her rival even though that's not how high school royalty works.

Most of the joy in this movie comes from the demon girl but there are some decent laughs throughout. The over-the-top Disney acting is really quality in this one. Have a night of it. Eat a moon cake.

Spoon Rating: 6

REWATCH: The Unexpected Bar Mitzvah [2014]

[Cross-posted on the Bad Movie Night Facebook page.]

Last night we watched the classic antisemitic Christian film about Messianic Jews (I know, it's a stiff competition) called "The Unexpected Bar Mitzvah." It's been a few years since we watched it, but, it was just as over-the-top, offensive, and queer-coded as we remembered.

Read the original review here.