[Cross-posted on the Bad Movie Night Facebook page.]
Adam missed his first Bad Movie Night ever so we did a rewatch of "Mac And Me", the ET ripoff that seemed to be primarily funded by product placement. The week before Kay was in London so we watched "I Am Here . . . Now", the Neil Breen movie where he's most blatantly Jesus.
Next week we will return with something new.
[Cross-posted on the Bad Movie Night Facebook page.]
We started off our Christmas Eve Bad Movie Night by watching a lawyer talk about the failures and successes in the representation of a courtroom in "Miracle on 34th Street" and by rewatching "Rapsittie Kids Believe In Santa." This was a bad idea because both of these things were vastly more enjoyable than our main feature, a family movie with a sneaky Christian undertone called "Quigley." On paper this movie seems like a win. It stars Gary Busey's teeth as a Pomeranian. It was made in 2003 but looks like it was made in 1993. It has conflicting morals that ultimately have all roads leading to Jesus. But also, it went on forever in the name of being a full hour and a half. Whether or not it's worth your time is heavily dependent on how much joy you get from Gary Busey so the opinions of the movie varied slightly among the BMN members.
"Quigley" starts off by introducing Gary Busey's character who hates dogs and the feelings of others and basically everything except making money at his video game company, weird antiquity influenced art, and the "virtual reality CD ROM." He dies in a car crash when he swerves around a dog and a bunch of angels in cheap curtains tell him he has the option of going to heaven if he returns to Earth in the body of the dog and does some good deeds. He reluctantly agrees and is assigned a guardian angel who falls down a lot and changes his outfit to something new and eccentric every five minutes (most frequently he looks like a really out of touch youth pastor). First Garigley returns to his company to destory an incriminating disk and somehow causes the guy who has taken over the company to fall in love with his secretary. Then Garigley must go to the home of his estranged brother and fix his family's lives somehow. It turns out his brother also develops video games, of the kid friendly variety, but has never sold them anywhere so Garigley steals the disk of one and brings it to his former company where they offer the brother a half a million dollars to work for them. Everyone is happy! But the angels tell Gary Busey that his good deeds don't matter because he doesn't have faith. Then he wakes up in the hospital and it turns out the whole thing was a dream. His life changed, he sets out to make amends with his brother and sell his video game concept again.
The best parts of this movie were any time Gary Busey was on screen. Since only the guardian angel could see that he was really a human, it was only through his eyes that we saw Gary and not the dog but oh, every time he looked like he had just eaten the entire medicine cabinet and it was great. Otherwise, the film dragged a lot. There were a ton of kid hijinks like Garigley getting thrown in the pound, an odd German janitor ranting, and Garigley's niece disappearing and him having to find her, but you would get a good laugh interspersed between these moments.
I can't say I'd recommend watching it, but it wouldn't be the worst night ever. Either way, you're better off with "Rapsittie Kids Believe in Santa," a genuine Christmas classic.
Spoon Rating: 4
[Cross-posted on the Bad Movie Night Facebook page.]
For our first Lifetime movie, we have a meeting of two worlds: a shark movie and a stalker movie. This film, "Stalker's Prey," came into our lives on the recommendation of a chorus of Kay's students who have all seen the film. Why has a whole room of high school seniors seen a specific Lifetime movie? It was filmed in their part of the woods, or I should say the sea. The police station is a local community college, a featured restaurant is a place she has actually heard of, and the school's distinct facade is shown with an obvious CGI name change. Although the town is supposed to be Hunter's Grove, they don't even try to change the sign on the back of one person's EMT jacket that says "Niantic."
Putting aside our connection to the film, let's get into the plot. The mumbliest teen in southeastern New England, Laura, gets rescued from a shark attack that left her boyfriend dead in the water. The guy who rescued her is none other than a politician's son who everyone in town immediately reveres. He checks up on Laura a lot and gives her gifts and while nothing seems amiss to Laura's family, the doom music warns the audience that his intentions are not the purest. Although the film seems to try to put forth this idea that he's a catch (fame, looks, volunteering with kids with cancer; also no pun intended), every action he takes seems a little off. He invites Laura to the marina (red flag) to be his date for a campaign fundraiser and suspiciously gives her a dress to wear (how did he know her size?). There's a blackout moment that may imply drunkenness or roofies. He lingers a bit too long with every interaction.
After that Laura is weary of him but he keeps showing up everywhere: babysitting her sister, subbing at her school, and using the spare key her mom gave him to come inside and watch her sleep. He also starts attacking her friends who she fights with, beating one with a bat and hitting the other with his car. Laura finally decides to investigate his ex and discovers that although he said he talks to her all the time, she's been dead for years. Note: he wasn't lying but Norman Bates-ing it. Laura tries to get him to implicate himself for hitting her friend with his car and he responds by kidnapping her and taking her out on his boat to feed her to the shark he saved her from. They fight. She wins.
Aside from the amusing genre mixture and the ominous music, this movie has some great acting. The actress playing Laura is mostly unintelligible compared to everyone else while the guy playing the stalker is full of the drama. His freak-outs and crazed mutterings stand out as the highlight of the film. More unintentional comedy comes from the bad CGI shark, the car accident scene effect, and other miscellaneous odd choices.
Give it a try, chum.
Quote: "The TV movie writes itself!" [Thanks for the lampshading.]
Spoon Rating: 5.5
[Cross-posted on the Bad Movie Night Facebook page.]
For our first ABC Family movie, we decided on "Cyberbully." We have watched a Hallmark film and many Disney originals so it was about time for ABC Family to show us what they have to offer. Next week we are going to shoot for a Lifetime movie, of which Kay has actually seen a lot.
The title tells you most of what you need to know. A teen girl named Taylor gets an account on Cliquesters, which is totally not Facebook or Instagram or whatever was most popular with kids in 2011, and initially only has light bullying from the mean girls who bully her in school anyway. She starts flirting online with Scott, this guy in her classes who she likes, and soon gets a message from James, a guy from a nearby school who really liked a poem she had posted. It was shortly after this that Kay claimed that Taylor's best friend with the strong crush vibes towards Taylor, Samantha, is actually James. Taylor's brother hacks her account and writes some inappropriate stuff, which causes an uptick in Taylor's online bullying but everything really escalates after Scott asks her to the dance. Right after James claims online that he slept with Taylor and she gave him the clap, which prompts everyone in the school to turn on her including her friends, and she starts to be ostracized. Keith claimed she was going to try to kill herself and he was right too. The suicide attempt ended up being the funniest part of the movie because after some somber wallowing to Sia's "Breathe Me" Samantha finds Taylor in the bathroom complaining and struggling to open a pill bottle cap. The scene is super reminiscent of the scene in "Heathers" where Heather McNamara attempts suicide in the school bathroom while muttering, "Stupid child safety caps" or whatever the line is. We couldn't stop laughing. Note to screenwriters: if you ever want to write a serious moment, make sure you are not mimicking a scene from a comedy.
This was actually only the end of act two even though it felt like a climax. Taylor stays home for a week after going to the hospital and seeing a psychiatrist. She starts attending support meetings for other kids with internet-based depression. Then of course Samantha reveals that she's James while Taylor is home after the suicide thing, which is ridiculous timing. The rest of the movie just has Taylor's mom trying to get a law passed and eventually Taylor and Sam getting interviewed for the local paper about their story. The whole thing ends on a triumphant "telling off the mean girl" scene with Taylor and friends. Taylor and Samantha did not end up together in spite of the gay vibes; instead Scott kind of comes back to Taylor and eats lunch with them.
Aside from the hilarity of the pill scene, this movie did have a fair amount of laughs. The plot was predictable and had nice melodrama and a clear lack of understanding of teens and bullying both online and in person. It's definitely worth one watch.
Quotes: [random filler dialogue without context] ". . . the seedy underbelly of the Underworld."
Spoon Rating: 6
[Cross-posted on the Bad Movie Night Facebook page.]
Because Sarah had to work and it's been a while since we did a rewatch, we decided to watch "Battlefield Earth." As before we got to enjoy all the curtain wipes, hammy acting, Dutch angles that give you neck pain (this post is in italics to mimic that suffering), the absolute dumbest imperialists ever, and a second half of the film that was just way too boring to compete with the ridiculous first half. Just know that you are a crap-lousy man animal who likes raw rats and is constantly upsetting the gods.
I tried writing down some quotes below but it's impossible to convey John Travolta's specific inflection through the medium of text.
You can read my original review here.
Quotes:
"While you were learning how to SPELL YOUR NAME, I was being trained to conquer galaxies."
"DO YOU WANT LUNCH?!"
"YOUR FRIENDLY NEIGHBORHOOD BARTENDER."
"I'm going to make you as happy as a baby psychlo on a straight diet of kerbango!"
Spoon Rating: 7
[Cross-posted on the Bad Movie Night Facebook page.]
Approximately twice every year Adam has made a reference to "Face/Off." Obviously, it is always in the context of "Face/Off" being a bad movie but it is usually to reference something ridiculous about it. Weirdly enough, both Keith and Sarah had seen it before but neither of them could remember it so even if it wasn't a new viewing experience for everyone in the room, it felt like it was for most. And this movie is nuts. The very premise is weird enough as it is, and not necessarily the worst sci-fi concept ever but when you add in the combined efforts of Nicholas Cage and John Travolta, you get something special.
The movie is about an FBI agent (Travolta) who had an assassination attempt made on his life by sociopath terrorist (Cage) which ended in the death of his son. Travolta basically devotes his life to finding Cage and succeeds. The problem is, Cage planted a bomb and they need to find out where it is so they have been keeping Cage alive. Chance of resurrection is unlikely so another plan is made: Travolta is going to literally take Cage's face and go into prison as him. If this sounds ridiculous, trust me when I say the "science" behind it makes it even worse. Of course, Cage wakes up and makes the doctors give him Travolta's face before he kills them all and starts living his life. Cage kills the FBI director and Travolta's doctor wife finds out what is going on. There's a huge, half hour long fight scene at the funeral which ends in Cage's death. Travolta then adopts Cage's orphaned son because he reminds him of his own son who Cage killed, which is really messed up the more you think about it.
Words cannot convey how weird this movie is. The acting is the hammiest ham you will ever see, mostly reserved for whoever is playing Cage's character, but so overwhelming throughout that you kind of forget that everyone else is acting mostly normal. The movie is directed by John Woo, which means a lot of incongruous slow-mo, never ending fight scenes that get stranger and stranger, and doves. The movie also had music playing in the background throughout almost the entire thing and it was constantly undermining how you were supposed to feel. Script wise, the movie was just so full of references to faces and saving faces and identity that it kind of felt like someone just learned what a theme was and needed to ensure that everyone else will know that they know.
Watch it once for the madness, but not again because it's almost two and a half hours.
Quote: "It's like looking into a mirror but . . NOT."
Spoon Rating: 5
[Cross-posted on the Bad Movie Night Facebook page.]
Although Adam mentions it approximately three times a year and has been doing so since 2006, we had to postpone "Face Off" for this week because we have a major holiday coming up. There's definitely a shortage of Thanksgiving movies but we did manage to find a Hallmark movie called "Love At The Thanksgiving Day Parade." Although we have never watched a Hallmark movie before, this movie had almost the exact same vibe as "Christian Mingle" and was just about the same in terms of bad movie quality.
The film is about a woman named Emily who dresses like Jackie O and is part of the planning committee for Chicago's Thanksgiving parade. It's basically her life. She's also super upbeat all the time and is dating a marine biologist who she hasn't seen in months even though she is afraid of boats. We all immediately started predicting what way he was going to screw her over. She meets Henry, an operations management guy brought in to analyze the spending and profitability of the parade, and he's attractive but a rich jerk. They clash but spend ridiculous amounts of time together, basically going on dates that are supposed to be about him learning about the parade. It's one of those enemies-to-lovers stories, and their pettiness is painful to watch.
Then the boyfriend shows up with a big question which Emily thinks is marriage but is actually a proposal that she travel with him on his next mission. She gets drunk (off ONE glass of champagne) with Henry and sings "Heart Of Glass" at a swanky karaoke bar. Later they get kiss-camed at a high school basketball game and it makes things awkward. At this point they are literally both single and it makes no sense why they are fighting this. The idea that they are somehow opposed because of their jobs is a flimsy excuse at best and as time goes on it gets more and more unreasonable. There's a brief misunderstanding where Emily thinks Henry has a girlfriend already and then her ex proposes to make up for the mistake before and she says yes. At the parade, she realizes she made a mistake when she finds out that Henry is an orphan and runs a charity and oh my god he's an even better guy than I thought! And he dresses up as Santa in the parade after the previous Santa bailed. And they make out. While he's dressed like Santa. It's creepy.
Like "Christian Mingle" there are a lot of odd moments and some strange acting. The boyfriend in particular is like a caricature of a selfish nerd guy and it's delightful to watch. We got a decent amount of laughs and more than a few groans at the plot contrivances, which were pretty fun to predict in advance. The biggest complaint here really is that it has basically nothing to do with Thanksgiving. "Thankskilling", while horrible, at least featured the holiday.
Quote: "I have known you for five years and I have loved you for . . . a lot of that time."
Spoon Rating: 6
Adam missed his first Bad Movie Night ever so we did a rewatch of "Mac And Me", the ET ripoff that seemed to be primarily funded by product placement. The week before Kay was in London so we watched "I Am Here . . . Now", the Neil Breen movie where he's most blatantly Jesus.
Because Sarah had to work and it's been a while since we did a rewatch, we decided to watch "Battlefield Earth." As before we got to enjoy all the curtain wipes, hammy acting, Dutch angles that give you neck pain (this post is in italics to mimic that suffering), the absolute dumbest imperialists ever, and a second half of the film that was just way too boring to compete with the ridiculous first half. Just know that you are a crap-lousy man animal who likes raw rats and is constantly upsetting the gods.
