I Am Here.... Now [2009]

[Cross-posted on the Bad Movie Night Facebook page.]

Now that we have watched Neil Breen's first three movies we can say with confidence that he really does grow as an artist over time. He doesn't get better necessarily but his stories develop more coherency which makes it easier to focus on the delightful aspects of them like the bad acting and dialogue without getting bogged down in the frustration of wondering what is going on. This movie, "I Am Here.... Now" is more watchable than last week's "Double Down" but did not provide nearly as much joy as "Fateful Findings." We can only that "Pass Thru" which is coming out this year will be a solid 10 on our Spoon Rating scale. Also, I just want to point out that he uses what seems to be the exact same picture of himself on every one of his movie posters. Brilliant.

The movie starts with Neil Breen and his dead eyes being beamed down to Earth as some sort of alien mecha Jesus (who can transform into a Neanderthal/alien thing) into a remote part of the Nevada desert where there are six doll heads on the ground, some skulls, and six crosses. He is dissatisfied with how the humans are treating each other and the planet (which he made, I guess) so he hypnotizes a couple drinking beers in the desert and steals the guy's clothes so he can go into Vegas as a normal guy. In some unlinear side story, two sisters get laid off from their jobs at natural energy companies because greedy corporate types don't care about the planet and they decide to become hookers. One has a kid and doesn't go through with it and is rewarded by being given a man to date who was once an old guy in a wheelchair but Breesus made him young again. The other sister . . . has sex with Breesus, I guess. Also, all the women in the movie with more than three lines are wearing the same button up tank top in different colors. The girls get kind of mixed up with trying to hook the evil corrupt politicians and businessmen who hang out with more traditional low lifes but in the end Breesus crucifies them on the crosses we saw in the desert. He looks into his glass table centerpiece and decides to give the humans one more chance before he destroys the world for good. In the slowest moving credits in movie history, his character is listed as "The Being."

This movie had all the traditional Breenness but had the special award of probably being a coherent story if the editing hadn't been so atrocious. The best scene is when a guy gets shot and one of the sisters screams three times at seeing his corpse in the most unfeeling and brief way possible.

Spoon Rating: 7