Future Tense [1990] & Alibaba [2002]

[Cross-posted on the Bad Movie Night Facebook page.]

We started the loosely conjoined Evangelism trilogy a few weeks ago with "Without Reservation" and tonight we finally continued with part two, "Future Tense." This short film focused on the rapture and one particularly religious college student's determination to save his family before that day, which will definitely happen in their lifetime. After doing some sick™ bike tricks, he goes to a recording booth to make a teary recording about how his family needs to find Jesus so they can join him in heaven during the rapture. We are then treated to a full scenario of the rapture where the distressed family tries to find the college student and his really little brother who have been saved. They watch a bunch of news pundits debating whether or not the rapture has happened. Then we go into the head of the college student who imagines the journey to heaven like being at an airport where he's the only one with a ticket to heaven (even though we all know heaven is reached via stairway). He tries to call his family over but his little brother is the only receptive one; probably because he's young enough to be influenced.

After that, we watched "Alibaba," an animated Indian movie with mid-90s graphics that tells the story of how Alibaba found a cave of treasures, bought a bunch of stuff, and got pursued by forty thieves. Someone might be tempted to call it an "Aladdin" rip-off, but there are not nearly enough comparisons to make it valid. The plot is thin and Alibaba himself is a really unlikable protagonist, but the details are wild. For one thing, the film is not in English but three or four songs in it are, and they are all so out of place. The forty thieves have a really weak rap they do whenever they are coming. There's a "Whole New World" rip off song that plays while Alibaba and his donkey float around on a rock, making us believe they are in love. The movie also has moments that feel a little out of place for a kid's movie. Alibaba's brother gets decapitated by the thieves and they put his head on a stick, and there is a scene with a dancer who has nipple tassels.  Overall, we got a few laughs, but India has made better films.

Spoon Rating: 3.5

Partners [2009]

[Cross-posted on the Bad Movie Night Facebook page.]

Dear All Male Aspiring Writer/Director/Producers,
You are not Martin Scorsese. You will never be Martin Scorsese. We already have a Martin Scorsese, and we don't need another one. 
Sincerely, The Bad Movie Night Crew.

After "Turf War" and "Checkmate" we thought we might be done with low budget, poorly written gangster movies for a while but alas here we are with "Partners." I never thought I would long so much for Tommy Wiseau's delusions of Tennessee Williams or Neil Breen's Lynchian sensibilities. This movie is the brain child of Peter James Iengo, a supposed college professor of "storytelling" (in spite of him only seeming to have a bachelors degree in creative writing). I don't know what college he teaches at or what their standards are, but I did learn this by reading the author biography on his self-published book.

The plot is pretty standard: two cops who are partners with different personalities try to take down a gangster doing a really bad Joker impression. Things happen. There's a jazz singer lady who gets to do a whole song, creating a neo noir vibe that is never replicated again. The camera is out of focus roughly 40% of the time. The dialogue is bland and repetitive. The production value is surprisingly higher than that of "Turf War" in terms of them having some real looking sets and costumes, but the camera work shows a lack of basic understanding of film rules. Characters who are supposed to be conversing with each other are looking in opposite directions. An Italian mafia guy with a pizza restaurant keeps looking at his lines on the table in between cuts. You can visibly see the moment the director told them to start walking and then never editing out the point where they are stationary. It's not "Black Ninja" levels of bad film making, but it's definitely got that high school foreign language class video vibe.

It's okay as a bad film albeit a little boring. I personally melted into the couch at around the hour mark when I realized the film would never top our pre-movie shows: "Psalty The Song Book 1," a video of kids singing about Jesus, and the Kazoo Kid video.

Outcast [2014]

[Cross-posted on the Bad Movie Night Facebook page.]

This is a movie that fails on basically every level, and ultimately we are the ones who must suffer for this. On the surface, this movie seems like a winner. It stars Nicolas Cage and Hayden Christensen, two actors renowned for their odd acting choices. It is set in 1100s China for some reason. No one saw it. This feels like good omens all around until you are an hour into the movie and you wonder if Nic Cage is ever going to actually show up. He does, by the way, for a mere twenty minutes of the film, the best twenty minutes but still barely worth it after having to spend an hour watching Christensen and the two non-evil children of the former emperor wandering around China. This movie also only made back one fifth of its budget, and part of the reason for that is that it was banned in Hong Kong for promoting the white savior narrative. And if you can't make your money back in China, with a movie that is set in China and has Asian actors, you are screwed. The Wikipedia page even uses the Chinese poster for the movie, which is just so very sad. But if the movie wasn't really meant to be seen in America, and China found it offensive, who is it for? No one. No one but bad movie people who clap excitedly at the prospective of another eccentric Nic Cage performance.

The movie starts in the Middle East during the Crusades with Nic and Hay killing brown people for Jesus. We were a little confused about what this had to do with anything because a few years later we ended up in China (the Far East) with a whole plot regarding an old emperor bequeathing his kingdom to his younger son who escapes with his sister while the older son offs his dad and claims he didn't do it. The young son and sister (who is apparently a well known actress in China and going to be Mulan in a live action Disney remake) run into Hayden in an opium-stupor and somehow this leads to a team up. They wander forever and eventually pick up another lost girl who holds no baring on the plot. Not much happens in this hour. Finally Nic Cage, a.k.a. The White Ghost, shows up with one eye and a pirate accent for the only funny parts of the movie. There's a final showdown against the big brother who kills Nic Cage and his Chinese wife and stabs his sister and Hayden. Somehow the sister and Hayden survive and the 14-year-old brother is put on the throne and all is well. Because never in history did a child ruler lead to a military coup.

Aside from the white savior nonsense and the overall limp plot, there are a couple other bad things worth pointing out. The direction is garbage, and it turns out this is actually a directorial debut. There's a lot of shaky camera and a really strange scene where Hayden dumps water over his head and the camera is inside the bucket. The editing is confusing to the point where it seems like the camera is trying to hide things from the audience. Fight scenes involve an entire army attacking a single guy one or two men at a time. Oh, and there's at least one instance of "that slutty outfit the barmaid is wearing isn't historically accurate." 

Overall, if you can find just the twenty minutes Nic Cage is in then this movie is worth exactly that amount of time and no more.

Spoon Rating: 2

Checkmate [2017]

[Cross-posted on the Bad Movie Night Facebook page.]

Following last week's "Turf War," we wanted to continue the curious adventures of the drug dealers, bikers, and cops in the sequel "Checkmate." Regrettably, this movie was nowhere near as fun as its predecessor. About halfway through, Lady Rider gets her revenge in her rapists and we learn that the sausage links in the photo from last week were actually supposed to be dismembered (ha) penis. Other than that, they bring in even more new characters with little impact on the plot, they make you believe that Flash (Fat Joe) is dead for a few minutes before revealing that he somehow hid in a sewer, and ultimately there isn't really any closure on anything since most of the players are still alive and have exactly as much power as they did before. Also, Alex Maisonette doesn't understand chess outside of knowing that it is sometimes played by thug types as some kind of metaphor (i.e. Alex Maisonette has probably watched "The Wire" and wishes he could make something as good as "The Wire").

But the worst part: underutilized Lenny G. At least you can still get some amusement from pausing the movie to look at the poorly made sets and costumes.

And no, if this is a trilogy we will not be bothering with part three. We've already committed three hours to this nonsense.

Spoon Rating: 3

Turf War [2017]

[Cross-posted on the Bad Movie Night Facebook page.]

When you watch a movie by a bad director, sometimes you can tell who their inspiration is. Tommy Wiseau famously wanted the screenplay of "The Room" to be like a Tennessee Williams play (and relatedly, might have been looking up to Elia Kazan in his direction). Neil Breen seems like he wants to be an early David Lynch. Alex Maisonette, the director of this Monday's film, really, really wants to make elaborate three hour crime dramas like Martin Scorsese. Too bad he can't write dialogue or direct. Also rather than a three hour epic, we got an hour and 45 minute film that didn't actually have an ending, and it's nearly impossible to find information about this movie to explain why. It looks a little like Maisonette actually made one film, possibly called "Lady Rider," but had to divide it into two: "Turf War" and "Checkmate." We'll probably watch "Checkmate" next week. We aren't exactly invested in the plot, hell we could barely follow the plot, but this movie was a good time nonetheless.

The turf war from the title is a war between bikers, drug dealers, and the cops (both crooked and not crooked). There are too many characters to follow but the primary ones include a good cop duo (one who is trying to act and one who is having his lines fed through an earpiece or something), an undercover "FBA" agent, a crooked sergeant played by the director, a drug dealer named Flash played by Fat Joe, two raping and murdering bikers, their boss, a woman who wants revenge on them for raping her when she was 17 ("lady rider"), and that woman's mom who was thought to be dead. A good portion of the movie consists of various combinations of these characters having flat conversations. Occasionally a murder will happen and we get a glimpse of the best character: Lenny G, the news correspondent for "News News Today." There isn't really a plot outside of Lady Rider's quest to get revenge, but somehow this movie is still captivating. There are so many bizarre lines. The budget was used primarily to put up cheap posters in an apartment building and pretend it's a police office, to give the guns really fake explosion graphics, and to pay Fat Joe for his presence. Pausing the movie is a real delight as you can take in all the little cheap details.
For example:

Aside from the amazing program name, look at that angle. Look even harder at the guy wearing a shirt with "crime scene" on it. It is clearly made of duct tape and was probably originally meant to say "crime scene investigations" before they couldn't figure out how to do that.

This is supposed to be a murder scene where someone was stabbed through a white sheet. Instead, they took a pillow case or something with a totally different texture from the sheet and covered it in fake blood and two sausage links.

Watch this movie and use the pause liberally. I would say to fast forward through the really dry dialogue bits, but you might miss gems like the ones below. 

Quotes:
"The body was murdered."

"You can't trust anyone in your department. I mean no one. You can't trust anybody. This is between us. This stays between me and you. Is that clear?"
"The only one that I can trust is my partner."
"If you say it's okay, it's okay with me."

Spoon Rating: 7

Without Reservation [1989] & The Party [1988]

[Cross-posted on the Bad Movie Night Facebook page.]

You know those nights where you stay up really late, maybe because you've been drinking or you had too much caffeine too late in the day, and you slip into a state of overtiredness where everything starts to feel like a slightly altered version of reality? This is approximately the feeling provoked by yesterday's bad movie night except that it was only 10PM and no one had consumed anything particularly mood altering. It was a double feature of 80s, starting with a brief 20 minute movie called "Without Reservation," one of three short unrelated films in "The Evangelism Trilogy," and ending with "The Party," a truly baffling movie we watched on Occult Demon Cassette that was recommended to us through our Facebook page by the owner of the channel.

"Without Reservation" started with some home video camera malfunctions (a motif of the evening really) before we were treated to a long sequence of really bad rapping that ultimately had nothing to do with anything about the plot. I guess a bunch of friends were at a party and the guys decided it was time to show their flow skills, which was very well explained by Adam with a deadpan, "Just ten guys and we're having a good time, having a good time." Then six friends got into a car to head out for food and ended up in a car accident, killing four of them. The four who died somehow developed the ability to see what was happening on earth in their absense and see a memorial for them at their high school. Then they end up in a long line at the pearly gates, which looked more like the void, where an old man in a suit would look them up on his 80s computer. If your name came with the label "No confirmation" they had to step to the left where they were caged and sent to hell. Why? Their place in heaven is unconfirmed because they didn't accept Jesus. Back on earth, one of the survivors recounts how all her friends are dead with an alarming smile on her face while the guy she's talking to mentions Jesus, thus confirming her on the spot. Who knew that you could avoid all the classes and ceremony of Catholic Confirmation just by having some classmate talk to you?

The main feature of the night was a film called "The Party." This movie is simulentously uncomplicated in plot but very difficult to explain in a way that will fully convey what exactly is happening. First of all, it doesn't really look like a movie so much as it looks like a home video that someone wanted to pass off as a film. This doesn't just come purely from the look of the film, which is straight up late 80s video cassette. The film doesn't even list a director or a producer, just the actors, which initially made us wonder if it wasn't directed at all and the camera person was just whoever wasn't in the frame at the time.The whole movie is basically about a bachelorette party organized by the groom, and it invokes the same feeling of being at a really terrible bachelorette party.

The "movie" starts with the groom proposing to his bride with a silly set up that ends with him on a pool raft in a cowboy hat. We get strange voiceovers before the proposal and the bachelorette party between the groom and his strangely-accented personal assistant (presumably) in which he orders a bunch of stuff for the two events. At the bachelorette party, a "news reporter" shows up to interview the bride about how it feels to be the bride of the year for getting such a rich, eligible bachelor. We weren't sure if this was a joke or not. I mean, the couple clearly lives in an unimpressive suburban home, but then, this is probably someone's home movies. The bachelorette party continues with booze, sex toy gifts, and the main event: a scavenger hunt. As the bride moves around her house, she finds hiding strippers and is weirdly unconcerned about there being strangers in her house. She has to complete a bunch of silly tasks, like removing rings from an inflatable clown penis while blindfolded, as the girls get drunker. Then a pizza guy shows up and has a whole stripping sequence complete with epilepsy lights and bad music. Then they go for a ten-mile-an-hour limo ride through their suburban neighborhood with the most unappealing of the strippers, and he does magic tricks. At one point the scene cuts to a man dancing covered in glow-in-the-dark paint and we all panicked that we were having strokes. They are pulled over by a cop who turns out to be the groom in a fake moustache, and the film ends with the couple watching all this footage two weeks later, now happily married.

Aside from the acid trip moments, this movie could be best summed up as someone's very sad fantasy. It is someone's fantasy to get engaged to a rich guy who will throw a "fun" bachelorette party for them that ends with the two of them making out in a limo. Or maybe it was someone's fantasy to be in a bachelorette party so they made the movie as an excuse. Either way, this late-night-hallucination of a movie comes with a layer of sadness but is worth the watch. 

Spoon Rating: 6

REWATCH: Singham [2011]

[Cross-posted on the Bad Movie Night Facebook page.]

We have spent the last two weeks rewatching "Singham" in addition to rounding out our evenings with some short selections from Occult Demon Cassette about Satanism and its apparent rampant influence on the youths.

Nothing new to say here except that "Singham" is still the best, and Satanism is corrupting the youths through rock music. Read the original review here. Get corrupted by Satan here.