Cool Cat Saves The Kids [2014]

[Cross-posted on the Bad Movie Night Facebook page.]

The members of the Bad Movie Night crew in their mid-20s have memories of McGruff the Crime Dog as the main anthropomorphic animal giving out life lessons of their childhood. He sang songs about just saying no to drugs with no discussion of the complexity of societal pressures and he acted a lot like a detective with his trench coat and ability to sniff out wrong doing. Plus, he was a bloodhound who managed to be both huggable and command a sense of authority. In retrospect, he was actually kind of cool but this was probably because a lot of his really baffling 80s drug songs weren't played for us in the early-mid 90s. Now imagine someone wanted to create a new McGruff for the modern child. 

Enter Cool Cat. Cool Cat is relentlessly, oppressively enthusiastic at all times and in spite of being a giant anthropomorphic cat, is supposed to be a kid. Cool Cat spends his days playing pretending games or building in a sandbox with his friend Maria (who seems too old to play in sandboxes and do kids even do that anymore?) while getting bullied, both cyber and IRL, by a blonde kid with a lisp. In the middle of this, Cool Cat goes to Hollywood and has a float in the parade for which he and his father, Cool Cat creator Derek Savage, write songs. Cool Cat dabbles in rock, rap, and salsa music and pretty much exclusively sings about how cool he is while Savage does guitar solos to show off his signed Van Halen guitar. Pro tip: kids have no idea what you're talking about, Savage, and don't care. Later, Cool Cat and Maria are taught lessons in fending off bullies by Vivica A. Fox (her advice? scream at the bully til they get embarrassed and run away) and a visibly drunk Erik Estrada who somehow wasn't cast the play the cop. The bully ends up getting his hands on a gun and more effectively steals candy from babies, an actual explanation of his crimes from the movie, without any real explanations of the hard consequences associated with playing with guns or the dangers of someone who hates you getting their hands on one. Bully gets arrested and doesn't get bailed out because he has crappy parents and Cool Cat, Maria, and Bully's former conspirator laugh at his misfortune.

This Movie fails as an educational video in so many ways that I need to list them:

• Cool Cat is a huge narcissist. He has posters of himself all over his walls and is always talking or singing about why he's the coolest. Kids becoming more and more narcissistic is actually an increasing problem in today's society.
• After explaining the importance of looking both ways before crossing the street, Cool Cat deliberately runs across the street without looking both ways to try to stop the bully.
• There is repeated instance on the fact that bullies don't have any friends, which we all know is often false, or that not having friends may even make you a bully, which is soul-crushing for kids who have trouble making friends.
• The bully clearly has a bad home life. This is not discussed as a problem kids may need to face that could have an effect on a kid's behavior towards others.
• Derek Savage says that if you find a gun, tell an adult in charge and they will decide if they need to call the police. Parents should probably just call the police.
• The movie encourages taking pleasure in the misfortunes of others.
• In spite of trying to be inclusive with both English and Spanish in songs, his Spanish pronunciation is pretty bad.
• Cool Cat's mom is an anthropomorphic cat wearing the same suit as Cool Cat. Not only did this lead to bad split screen editing and weird dubbing but it promotes a furry lifestyle. Just say no to inter-species sex.

Quotes:

"Breaking News: we have terrible news!"

"I have so much to do before that! What should I do?"

"That darn Vivica A. Fox and Erik Estrada messed it up!"

Adam's Grandma's Review: It was *two thumbs down motion*.

The Head [1959]

[Cross-posted on the Bad Movie Night Facebook page.]

Ah, the German film industry. Glorious in the early days of film and certainly notable now but kind of an unacknowledged animal during the Cold War era. You'll be happy to know, the West Germans were making bad horror like the rest of us. After Keith's request for an old film, we pulled out Adam's 50 packs of movies and we decided on "The Head" or in the original German, "Die Nackte und der Satan" which according to Google Translate means, "The Naked And Satan." "The Head", vague as it is, is actually more accurate if less intriguing.

The plot is essentially a marginally less boring version of "The Brain That Wouldn't Die" with bad dubbing. A scientist discovers how to remove a dog's head and keep it alive, shows it to some collegues who are going to operate on him in an effort to save his life, and wakes up from surgery without a body himself. The very Aryan mad scientist who did it really wanted to get ahead. He also kills the only witness. He then decides to experiment a step further by kidnapping a stripper (advertised as "Super Sex Attraction Lilly!") and putting the head of a nurse he has a crush on who went in for back surgery on the stripper's body. With the exception of the nurse suddenly picking up the stripper's bad habits, this works out fine-ish until a sculptor very familiar with the stripper's body notices a distinct resemblance. The mad scientist pulls the, "You belong to me because I made you!" thing on her and it's a long half-hour trudge to his inevitable death.

At an hour and a half, this movie feels crazy long and is a chore to sit though with so little plot. At least it did have a few really creepy lines.

Quotes:
[in reference to a corpse] "I know you want to talk to him but don't count on him speaking to you."

[takes drink from glass] "What is it?"
"Now you can go to sleep."

"I just want you to loosen your blouse and hold still a while."

After Earth [2013]

[Cross-posted on the Bad Movie Night Facebook page.]

We have done it. We have completed the trifecta of bad Shyamalan movies: "The Happening," "The Last Airbender," and now, at last, "After Earth" a project Will Smith devised because he wanted to do another movie with his son Jaden in hopes that it would solidify Jaden's career as, not just a professional crazy person on Twitter, but an actor as well. How wonderful that there was a director up for the challenge. While this movie wasn't as funny and rewatch worthy as "The Happening" it was phenominally easier to sit through than "The Last Airbender" so there's that.

The background of this movie is essentially: the humans have moved to other planets after disasters and attacks by aliens called Ursa who hunt by smelling people's fear. According to fearless Ursa hunter Will Smith, Earth is nowhere you wanna be because, "Everything has evolved over 1000 years to kill humans." Evolution gets faster in the future. Will and his son Jaden, who wants to be like his father but "did not get promoted to ranger, sir", go on a trip to try to bond but the plane crashes killing everyone except for them and landing on that deadly wasteland called Earth. With Will paralyzed, Jaden must travel across the land to find the tail end of the ship so they can call for help. The rest of the plot is like a boring video game with random attacks from various creatures, supply checks, health kits, a superior giving instructions over a headset, no less than five restorative naps, no less than three visions of his dead sister whose death he feels responsible for, and finally, a big boss battle against an Ursa where he proves he has also learned how to have no fear. Only through becoming like his father does he finally gain his father's love. Great message for the kids.

The acting in this movie, like all the M. Night trifecta movies is truely something to behold. Will Smith, usually one of the most charismatic actors is Hollywood, spends the entire movie with the single expression of barely restrained hatred while Jaden is constantly two seconds from a sobbing meltdown. The movie poster shows this dichotomy well. Also, for some reason everyone talks with different variations of a "future accent" which lead to us mishearing things like "beacon" as "bacon" and "saucer" as "salsa." Regrettably, there was no bacon salsa to be had.

Quotes: 
"[something, something] Bingo power!"
"Both of my legs are broken . . . one very badly."
"I see my blood bubbling up . . . mixing with the sunlight . . and I think, wow . . .that's really pretty."

Adam's Grandma's Review: "Better than last week."

Runaway [2010]

[Cross-posted on the Bad Movie Night Facebook page.]

Kanye West is a madman but I don't think there's anyone who doubts this. However his musical short film "Runaway" is a bit more debatable; it straddles that thin line between pretentious and nonsensical, impressively without ever slipping into profundity. 

It's not really so much a musical as it is a way of offering samples of a lot of the songs on Kanye's well-received but very pretentiously named "My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy" album with the only song played in full being "Runaway" itself. There's a plot. Sort of. Kanye runs down a street to an explosion where he finds a birdlady who he brings home to let her explore his backyard while he creepily watches her. Then he plays a soundboard for her to dance to and teaches her how to use human utensils. They also watch a spontaneous parade that has a marching band, a giant paper mache Michael Jackson head, and people wearing red capirote which may or may not be a KKK reference. Then they go to a dinner party in a warehouse where he performs "Runaway" while a bunch of ballerinas dance to it (this is the bulk of the film) but the party is ruined when they bring out the poultry main course and his birdgirlfriend flips out. She tells him she's a phoenix and that she will be trapped here forever if he doesn't let her burn. This is the most dialogue and explanation we get in the entire movie and then they have sex with their clothes on and she goes away to burn or something with the same shot of Kanye running as in the beginning. Symbolism! Also most scene changes are punctuated with explosions that would make Michael Bay proud.

Yeah, this makes very little sense. Kanye's acting is hilarious. But, to quote Adam, "At least he hired a cinematographer." The movie is actually aesthetically pleasing and pretty but style without substance can't get you far.

Quote:
Dinner Guest: "Your girlfriend is really beautiful."
Kanye West: "Thank you."
Dinner Guest: "Do you know she is a bird?"
Kanye West: [contemplatively] "No, I never noticed that."

Adam's Grandma's Review: "It's different. Different from anything."

Trapped In The Closet (Chapters 23 - 33) [2012]

[Cross-posted on the Bad Movie Night Facebook page.]

Now that we have completed R. Kelly's hip-hopera "Trapped In The Closet", at least up until the point that he has finished, it really begs the question of why this series has even continued as long as it has. After chapter 12 the quality of the music takes a sharp dip into rhythm-less sung dialogue and the plot becomes ridden with holes and unfinished or nonsensical threads. The quality of these chapters dipped even more to the point that we're pretty sure R. Kelly just paid out of pocket to make this in hopes of trying to stay relevant off the cultural phenomenon he created. The hope we had with watching this installment of chapters was that something about the first 22 would be answered or resolved. What happened instead was something we had not anticipated: it became self aware.

The plot of these chapters is thin and boring. Pimp Lucius (played by R. Kelly) goes home to his parents who are revealed to be Rosie and Randolph (played by R. Kelly), Cathy and Rufus go to see a marriage counselor (played by R. Kelly), Sylvester (played by R. Kelly) makes more incomprehensible business deals with some other guy (played by R. Kelly), and Tina breaks up with Roxanne with intentions of going back to Twan (none of those three are played by R. Kelly). All the other characters are not shown probably because the actors were busy doing anything else. The music remained the same but with one brief chase scene when it turned from R&B to a full on "Starsky & Hutch" 70s anthem that confused us all.

However, with the boring plot and bad dialogue came the weirdest meta moments this side of "Sharknado"'s marketing. Lines like "Twan hands me the script" and "I'm leaving this scene" are uttered. The characters have confessional moments where they appear on a show called "Out Of The Closet with Larry" and talk about their experiences. At one point the interviewer asks a character if "the package" is AIDS like we had all speculated that it might be but the character refuses to answer. The Reverend pulls out and advertises a "Trapped In The Closet" book. And R. Kelly puts on black face. For real.

Claiming you are in on the joke of how amusingly bad your movie is didn't work for Tommy Wiseau and it won't work for you R. Kelly. But never fear! R. Kelly is also working on "Trapped In The Closet: The Movie", "Trapped In The Closet: The Book" (which will be a prequel), and "Trapped In The Closet: On Broadway" all of which are supposedly coming out sometime between now and next year. You will never leave the closet.

Quote: [opening lines] "Well, if this hasn't taught you nothing else it's taught you that everybody's got a closet."

Trapped In The Closet (Chapters 1 - 22) [2007]

[Cross-posted on the Bad Movie Night Facebook page.]

Last week Keith and Adam's grandma were snowed in in Maine and Kay was having car trouble on top of that so there was no bad movie night. Hopefully the snow will slow down on Mondays so we can stop cancelling. But oh, have we tried to make up for it with this one: the legendary hip-hopera, R. Kelly's "Trapped In The Closet." We only watched up to chapter 22 because the whole thing is almost three hours and there's only so much you can take at once so we will be concluding it next week. The crop of chapters we watched were made from 2005-2007. The remaining chapters were released in 2012.

Quite simply, it must be seen to be believed. The story is a convoluted series of affairs, unnecessary gun wielding, and some minor crime that is best explained through a "who's boinking who" chart that I was going to make myself but found on Wikipedia anyway. After the first 12 the chart is a boinking chain consisting of eight people with one main character not included but by 22 it's a mess including four marriages, five affairs (one homosexual), one lesbian relationship, a bunch of friendships, and one stripper midget who poops his pants. The chart on the left doesn't even include business associates and Sylvester's parents.

As Adam pointed out after the first 12, the opera is very similar to "The Room" but with a lot more people. So how do the two relate?
* Both are essentially one possibly crazy man's vision.
* Both have lines that don't sound like things real people say delivered strangely.
* Both are about affairs and other "real world problems" like drugs and pimping.
* Both seem to be played really serious but have some people insisting they're intentionally funny.
* Both have a poor grasp of how film techniques are used ("The Room's" reestablishing shots vs. "Trapped's" curtain wipes and fading R. Kelly hologram).
* Both are kind of repetitive.
* Both have character's wielding guns and getting disproportionally angry about stuff.
These chapters ended on a cliffhanger about some sort of package that Rufus, the preacher, apparently got. We think it might be code for AIDS. I wish I was kidding.

So with such a masterfully convoluted plot, how about the music? R. Kelly sings all the parts, changing his voice sometimes for certain characters like Southern-accented Bridget, and follows the same song pattern that rhymes for the first few parts before it descends into just singing what people are saying with the same plopping noise and "Ooo"s in the background throughout. The best thing about the way it's structured is the fact that each part has a tendency to end on some big reveal that then echoes ominously. Examples include, "I pulled back the cover. Oh my god, a rubber! Rubber! Rubber!" and "But the man's a midget! Midget! midget!" It is top-tier comedy. Also, while R. Kelly refers to himself as "I" in the first few parts, he soon turns into two people "Sylvester" and "The Disappearing Narrator" and is often represented as both people, sometimes without even changing his clothes. Not to mention he also plays a bunch of the "comedic" minor characters which is pretty painful to watch.

Condoms my friend Alex received at a "Trapped In The Closet" showing and gave to me.

Aside from the wonder that is "Trapped In The Closet (Chapters 23 - 34)" which only comes out to about 45 minutes we found something else to watch next week from this conversation:
Adam: "Which other artists would you like to see make something like this?"
Kay: "I don't know."
Adam: "How about Kanye West?"
Kay: "Oh, that'd be so pretentious!"
Adam: "Yeah!"
Kay: ". . . Now that I think about it, he did make a short film called 'Runaway'."
Adam: "Get out of my house."

Quote: Too many to list and they're all 1000x funnier sung.

Bad Movie Night Crew Review: "Destroy all closets."

Adam's Grandma's Review: "Confusing. It must be funny though because you were all laughing."

The Last Airbender [2010]

[Cross-posted on the Bad Movie Night Facebook page.]

Due to a coming snowstorm and the fact that there was an actual curfew on when we could leave our houses, there was no Bad Movie Night two weeks ago. Last Monday we did manage to gather after plows had come by and decided that it was totally necessary to watch another M. Night Shyamalan ("After Earth" will probably be coming soon). This movie is based off of a well-loved and acclaimed television series so there's already a built in fanbase and its literally structured to make a trilogy of movies possible. So what went wrong? Shyamalan, of course. If he's incapable of breathing life into any of the characters and stories he creates himself, how could he possibly find the heart of something someone else made and present it to an audience that is fundamentally more apt to explain why it's good?

So I guess I should explain the plot even though why does it even matter, it's a Shyamalan movie, don't watch it. The world is divided up by the four elements and there are some people called benders who can control the element to which they are native to. The avatar is the one person who can bend all the elements and connect with the spirit world. Avatar goes missing, fire nation is evil and wants to rule the world so they try to, then a girl and her brother find the avatar frozen in a block of ice and get him out and now he needs to learn bending elements other than his native air so he can bring peace to the land. But he only learns water in this one because trilogy. There's more to it but whatever. Heroes run from villains. Get captured and escape. Repeat until final battle when good guys win even though the story's not over. 

Aside from my explanation of why it sucks in the first paragraph there are the added facts that the dialogue doesn't sound like real human speech, characters constantly ask other characters to explain the plot, totally hilarious shouting while bending, bad child acting (and adult acting really), and a plot that pretty much clunks to conclusion. Luckily, it does not seem like there will be a sequel. 

Best Scene: Because the dialogue was bland but hammy it's hard for me to write any of it and do it justice. There is a scene however where Zuko and his uncle are talking about something and when the conversation ends, the camera zooms out to show that his uncle was getting a foot massage the entire time they were talking. We suspect this was the Shyamalanian twist.