Above The Law [1988]

This Seagel movie has been sitting on the shelf forever because it was purchased as part of a double feature with Hard to Kill, a Val Kilmer movie that Adam maybe owns just out of some weird loyalty to Val Kilmer. I'm going to tell you right now: don't waste your time. 

The plot is honestly hard to follow for all of us, including Sarah, and that was partially due to bad writing and partially due to bad sound. Basically Seagal is trying to stop a drug ring and an assassination of a senator or something. He's married to Sharon Stone who both survives the movie but also only has two lines and he's partners with Pam Grier and you can't convince me that it's a platonic relationship given all the weird things they say. So much of the film involves Seagal doing to a location for some reason with little information gained. The only good part of the film is when he hits someone with a car and continues drives through a wall, causing the dummy to then fall off the front of the car to the ground below. The rest is just boring.

Spoon Rating: 1

Exit Wounds [2001]

The dice decided that we would have to deal with another Steven Seagal and a rapper movie although this one was a lot more convoluted than the last one. Seagal is a loose canon cop who doesn't play by the rules and gets sent to anger management for a hot second where he meets Tom Arnold. Meanwhile, DMX is a drug dealer except he's actually a dot com millionaire who is only pretending to be a drug dealer to try to expose some crooked Detroit cops (and get his brother out of jail, it seems?). The film also has Michael Jai White who Adam was very excited to see fight Seagal as they are two martial artists only to have them sword fight instead. The film seems to set up a potential love interest with the police commissioner but then she unceremoniously dies in a car crash two-thirds of the way through with no romantic set up anyway. This movie has some writing issues. It was at times completely incomprehensible. We got a few laughs with some good dummy work and weird directing, but this movie was far more painful than fun. 

Spoon Rating: 2

Half Past Dead [2002]

[Cross-posted on the Bad Movie Night Facebook page.]

Already we knew this Steven Seagal movie was going to be inferior to "Hard to Kill" because there was no way this one was also going to feature a chase scene where Steven Seagal is paralyzed and wheeling himself around on a hospital gurney. I don't even think he broke a neck. There was an anonymous dead wife and most of the action took place in a fixed location so it wasn't a total loss in Seagal movie bingo but it was certainly lacking in his usual cliches.

The film starts with some sort of crime ring Seagal is a part of giving him a polygraph test to make sure he isn't an FBI Agent which he passes. Quickly after he and his BFF, Ja Rule (whose relevancy in 2002 was up to debate among the BMN crew; we questioned whether he was relevant enough to be in a Seagal movie or if Seagal had fallen enough to make stunt casting appropriate; we settled on both in equilibrium), get arrested and sent to "New Alzcatraz." The prison is all abuzz because a man who stole from the US Treasury has volunteered to be the first prisoner killed with this fancy new murder machine. When his sentence is about to be carried out, a bunch of people led by a money-hungry sociopath, exactly who you want in charge, break into Alcatraz to try to get the man to say where he hid the stolen government money and hold a Supreme Court justice who was there to witness the execution hostage. Seagal tries to stop them. Ja Rule helps sometimes. The rest of the inmates use the time to play basketball and raid the weapons cabinet. Many pointless fight scenes ensue. Also, Seagal actually is an FBI agent but the audience knew that from the beginning because Seagal is always the good guy. 

The strangest thing about this movie was really that there wasn't much plot but there were seven main characters (Seagal, Ja Rule, the money thief, the Supreme Court justice, the head FBI agent, the sociopath, his action girl sidekick, and, to a lesser extent, an eighth character in the prison warren) who all had different motivations and this is how conflict arose. I guess that's one way to write a film. Too bad it only lead to inaccurate action scene upon boring action scene upon medically impossible revival. Lather, rinse, repeat.

Quotes: 
[after being asked to give an eloquent speech] "Alcatraz is a bad place for bad people."
"You think you're hard? . . . I'M HARD."

Adam's Grandma's Review: "A lot of action; no sense."

Adam's Review: "A lot of action; no sex."