Tales From The QuadeaD Zone [1987]

From just the title screen I found myself saying, "I'm getting some Black Devil Doll From Hell vibes from this" not thinking about what I was saying too deeply. On a quick search twenty minutes into the film to figure out what the name of something was since the sound was so bad, we discovered the truth. Tales From The QuadeaD Zone is actually the second feature film of Chester N. Turner, his first being the most scarring movie we ever watched at movie night. I screamed, both in delight at how quickly I noticed the similarities and also fear of what this might mean, but thankfully this movie wasn't scarring at all. It wasn't particularly great either though. We also never learn what the QuadeaD Zone even is.

The film has a bit of a frame narrative. In the outer frame we have a woman who lives with the ghost of her dead zone. He has given her a book of tales to read him. How he manifested this book in the corporeal realm is never explained or even really commented on. The first tale is called "Food For ?" which is about a family or cult that doesn't have enough food to go around and apparently refuses to share and how each meal they have to grab for food when the bell rings and hope they're eating that night. One of the people grabs a gun one day and offs the right number of people so everyone can eat. The second tale is called "The Brother" and after a long build up of guys breaking into a funeral home without explanation and then stealing a body, we find out it's the body of one of their brothers. The brother plans to get revenge by dressing the body up like a clown and burying him in his basement instead of his fancy grave (the smell tho?). The brother's ghost inhabits the body and they fight to the death. Finally, we have the conclusion of the frame narrative. The woman's husband comes up and they fight, which ends in her stabbing him. The police arrive and she commits suicide in the bathroom while thinking about how she will be reunited with her son. The film ends with their ghosts sitting down to read more tales.

Like Devil Doll, this film has poor quality in all major movie aspects from editing to sound to writing. Some of it really drags and "The Brother" especially was really confusing at first. But unlike Devil Doll, I didn't have a PTSD moment recalling the film to write this post. Obviously the superior film. Adam has the two movie box set and apparently the film also has commentary from the director and lead actress, so that might be something worth exploring one day.

Spoon Rating: 3

Black Devil Doll From Hell [1984]

[Cross-posted on the Bad Movie Night Facebook page.]

It has been a long time since we suffered like this. I hesitate to compare anything to "Bucky Larson: Born To Be A Star" but for a solid 20 minute period of this film, we were all trying so hard to disassociate that I am almost uncomfortable writing this blog post as it forces me to relive the experience. We were expecting a blaxplotation version of Chucky and all the cheese that would imply, but oh, we did not expect this.

The beginning of the movie is pretty inoffensively bad. We follow Miss Helen Black, a good church going woman who is proud of how she's waiting for marriage. It was hard to tell how old she was supposed to be as she was wearing those ridiculously large glasses that were fashionable in the 80s that make everyone look like a grandmother and her couch was covered in plastic. We get a lot of lingering shots of her apartment full of religious articles while she talks to her friend on the phone about much she needs Jesus. One day Miss Black goes into a thrift store and finds a really frightening puppet, which the store owner promises will grant her her deepest desire. She also mentions that the puppet always finds its way back to the shop, which seems like a bad thing to mention because it assures the buyer that ownership is temporary. Regardless, Miss Black buys the thing and props it up on her toilet while she showers. 

And here's where the film takes a turn. In between shots Miss Black enthusiastically soaping up her breasts, we are treated to horrifying images of the puppet licking her and having sex with her. It was unclear at this moment if she was imagining it or if the doll was. Even more unfortunately, this was foreshadowing as the puppet ends up tying her to the bed and raping her. This doll sex scene (because yes, it eventually became consensual) went on for what felt like days. We hadn't seen anything of the sort since the furry sex in "Wolfcop." If I could "Eternal Sunshine" those images away, I would in a heartbeat.

After the puppet sex, the doll disappears and Miss Black is now a nympho but no man can satisfy her. She goes back to the shop to buy the doll again but when she brings it home and begs it to have sex with her, it kills her. The film ends with someone else buying the puppet.

Do not watch this. Just don't. It is an exercise in misery. It is an endurance test that is not worth the suffering. If I ever were to encounter the director/writer/producer I would run away because I definitely know too much about him and none of it is good.

Oh, and the quality is VHS level with tracking issues and the acting and sound quality are very bad. But who cares? Puppet sex.

Quote: "I've slept with men . . . several to be exact."

Spoon Rating: 2