Gigli [2003]

[Cross-posted on the Bad Movie Night Facebook page.]

Sometimes we watch movies where the target demographic is very clear even if the movie is awful. "Half Past Dead" for instance instantly has an appeal to those who like action movies or are particularly invested in the careers of Steven Seagal or Ja Rule (I'm sure they're plentiful). However, every once in a while we get that movie where there is no demographic; where the premise is so muddled that you can only imagine a very specific kind of person wanting to see it. And, on a rare beautiful occasion, that movie is so offensive in every way that it will even alienate that small group who paid to see it.

Enter "Gigli", a movie that made 7.2 million dollars off of film critics and people who were strangely invested in the Ben Affleck/Jennifer Lopez relationship because literally no one else would go see this unless they were horribly misguided about the plot or themes of the film. Billed as a romantic comedy with a crime/mobster edge, this movie is actually a "heart-warming" tale about a mentally challenged guy finally getting to go to a beach party and the most romantic non-sexually compatible relationship ever. With brief cameos by Christopher Walken and Al Pacino shooting a guy in the head.

Gigli (pronounced "gee-lee") is a low level gangster who kidnaps the mentally challenged brother of a prosecuting attorney so they can hold him for ransom. Because he is literally useless at his job, J Lo is sent to assist him in not messing up the mission and Giggly immediately wants into her early-2000s low rider pants. One problem: when he graciously offers her his boner, she tells him she's a lesbian. Now, the writer of this blog thought she was probably lying in order to dissuade his advances but Adam said he thought she really was a lesbian and that Jiggly was going to charm the gay out of her. Unfortunately he was more right. She is a lesbian, as evidenced by the an ex girlfriend's random dramatic suicide attempt, and they do make sex but it ends with him essentially saying he's in love with her and her saying she still doesn't want to "hop the fence." They also have endless conversations about horribly outdated gender roles (there's a "bull" and "cow" in every couple you see) and make ridiculous comments about sexuality. And if those things aren't enough to offend you, remember they are watching after a mentally challenged guy that they kidnapped and Jiggy is a huge stereotype himself. It's equal opportunity offending.

Quotes:
"If by some fuckin' miracle long shot you haven't heard of my reputation let me tell you who the fuck I am! I am the fuckin' Sultan of Slick, Sadie! I am the rule of fuckin' cool! You wanna be a gangster? You wanna be a thug? You sit at my fuckin' feet and gather the pearls that emanate forth from me! Because I'm the fuckin' original, straight-first-foremost, pimp-mack, fuckin hustler, original gangster's gangster!"
"I don't know what you're talking about, but I'm gonna go get my stuff."

"They make my penis sneeze."

[spreads legs] "It's turkey time."
"Huh?"
"Gobble, gobble."

Adam's Grandma's Review: "It stunk."