Morbius [2022]

Funny to think there was a time when Marvel movies and Jared Leto independently were not total embarrassments, but alas the 2020s are a special decade. Now they have teamed up for the ultimate cringe and it was honestly pretty funny but even more importantly it gave us a lot of materials to be hilarious.

Morbius follows a biochemist with a rare blood disease who starts the film collecting bats in Costa Rica by tempting them with a giant open gash on his hand. Not everyone with a doctorate is intelligent, you know. In a flashback we see Michael Morbius in a hospital in Greece (no town name, just Greece) and he makes friends with a kid with the same disease named Lucian who he renames Milo and then everyone just calls him that for the rest of the film with no explanation why he chose to stuck with this fake name all throughout adulthood. As adults Milucian is a rich guy who funds Morbius' research through which he has created synthetic blood but has not cured their disease. Morbius decides to experiment with the bats and stupidly injects himself with his serum while on a boat, leading to him getting jacked and bat-faced and killing a bunch of people because he's hangry. He also flies around sans wings and leaks some kind of pigmented gas. I have no explanation. With this bat form unlocked he is able to walk and finally doesn't feel sick, but he needs to ingest blood every couple hours or he starts to deteriorate. Milo finds out and wants a hit of that sweet serum, but Morbius says no because this is no way to live. This is actually insane. Before the serum, he needed transfusions three times a day to stay ill and now he needs to drink blood four times a day to be healthy and strong. The downsides don't exist unless you starve yourself and get batty. Milo, in true rich kid fashion, takes the serum anyway and it makes him evil, I guess revealing he was a jerk all along since the serum didn't change Morbius' personality as long as he stays well fed. They fight for the entire second act. Then we get some post credit scenes that only make sense if the Marvel franchise is your personality. Weirdly, there are no 30 Seconds To Mars songs. And at no point did Jared Leto say, "It's morbing time." Truly the biggest letdown of 2022.

As I said, we created a lot of our own fun, but there was much laughter to be had from the evil bat faces, the plot logic, a scene of Morbius writing blood on a window in blood, and a scene where a flickering light was fixed by just flipping a switch. Can't believe this was a flop. 

Spoon Rating: 5