Honey [2003]

[Cross-posted on the Bad Movie Night Facebook page.]

Due to work and weather conditions, there was no Sarah or Erik at Bad Movie Night so we decided to watch something that would be mediocre. After Adam pulled out six 50 packs of movies, we just decided to settle on "Honey," Jessica Alba's breakout dancing film. We figured it wouldn't be good but hoped that it wouldn't be painful and we were right.

Plot wise, the film felt unfinished. It had themes about achieving your dreams and doing what you love even if it doesn't make you money but only vague notions of plot. It doesn't lack a plot so much as every scene feels just a little bit random. Some scenes convey themes. Some have a linear quality, but ultimately there's a lot of details missing to make the scenes connect. Honey is a bartender/record shop worker/community center dance instructor. She gets her big break because some music video producer sees a security cam of her dancing at the club she works at (how did he get that? Do you see what I mean by missing details?) and offers her a job dancing in a music video. She manages to become a choreographer nearly immediately. These scenes are interspersed with scenes of Honey hanging out with local kids and starting a romance with a barber shop owner. Honey is very concerned with being real and down with the street in spite of the fact that her parents clearly pay her rent. The movie has a kind of midpoint when the music video producer tries to sleep with her and she says no so he ruins her career. She then refocuses her efforts on opening a new dance studio in between a plot about Lil Romeo getting arrested and released from jail. The end has Honey holding a dance performance to raise money for the studio while Missy Elliot gets out of a limo in front of the building, looking for her to choreograph her next video. Her success is shown over the credits with the implication that she choreographed a music video for a girl group called Blaque that only existed in the early 2000s.

This movie was an interesting time capsule of the early 2000s in terms of music and fashion, but it didn't really give us many laughs. We poked some fun at it and got a bit of a chuckle out of the video producer's very mature reaction to rejection, but it wasn't really worth your time.

Spoon Rating: 2

Silent Night, Deadly Night Part 2 [1987]

[Cross-posted on the Bad Movie Night Facebook page.]

We started our holiday-themed Bad Movie Night with a rewatch of "Rapsittie Street Kids: Believe In Santa" which we have actually watched every year since our first viewing two years ago. It never really stops being an unnerving experience. After that we had a presumed winner with "Silent Night, Deadly Night Part 2." This film is most famous for the "garbage day!" scene that was a huge meme about ten years ago but none of us realized that at the beginning of the film. It's worth noting that as amazing as the "garbage day" scene is in isolation, it actually isn't the only highlight of the film and watching it will in no way ruin your viewing experience as long as you commit to it.

The first 40 minutes or so are a framing narrative of Ricky, the most dramatic man in prison, explaining his brother's back story and then 30 minutes or so of his own back story. Their parents were killed by a crazy man in a Santa costume and this gave them both a complex that followed them into an orphanage with an S&M obsessed Mother Superior (I exaggerate slightly but aren't all Catholics just kind of Like That; don't come at me; half of us were raised Catholic). Billy, the older brother, was not treated like someone who has very specific triggers and instead he was frequently exposed to Christmas things, which led to him becoming a killing Santa himself. Billy is actually mostly triggered by witnessing sexual encounters. He kills all his coworkers at a shop after he stumbles on two of them fooling around and then a random couple he finds. The deaths are comically violent like impaling someone on a deer head. The police suspect he will go back to the orphanage for revenge and they accidentally kill the deaf janitor dressed as Santa who we never met. They get Billy in the end though and the plot shifts to Ricky. 

Ricky was adopted by a Jewish family so clearly that was an improvement, but still his triggers were never dealt with. He has a freakout as a child when he sees nuns followed by a velvety red fabric reminiscent of Santa's coat. Later after the death of his foster father, Ricky kills an attempted rapist he finds in the forest by running him over with a car. Things may be turning around for him when he meets a girl named Jennifer and has his first awkward sexual encounter. All this really does is refocus his trigger from sex to the color red. He kills some New Wave guy who is his girlfriend's ex by electrocuting him with his car and then offs his girlfriend who is dressed somewhat nun-like at the time. This leads to the killing spree (and garbage day) that lands him in prison. We realize he has killed the therapist with the recorder tape and goes out to get revenge on the Mother Superior in the final act. He decapitates her but dies himself dressed as Santa.

This movie is excellent. It is held up almost entirely by the over-the-top performance of the actor playing Ricky, but his work is so perfect that it is a must watch. There are some silly deaths and a evil nun but it all comes back to Ricky's eyebrows and inflection. I could list a bunch of quotes from him but text would never really convey why those lines are so amazing unless you watch it. It's a rewatch for sure.

Quote:
Ricky: I've never told anyone this before.
Therapist: Let it out.
Ricky: HERE IT COMES!

Spoon Rating: 8

Broken Arrow [1996]

[Cross-posted on the Bad Movie Night Facebook page.]

Because of the weather, Erik couldn't make it to movie night this time so we all had it in our minds to watch something that probably wouldn't be a hall-of-famer. Our instinct was right to delve into Sarah's childhood for this action movie nonsense: "Broken Arrow." It was likely another favorite of her father's (the man who brought us "Baby's Day Out" and "Undercover Blues") but we can't confirm that one. Already there was trepidation at the John Travolta-Christian Slater casting combo pack but the moment we knew we were in trouble was when we saw "A John Woo Film" right at the beginning and Adam and Kay let out primal groans of people who know what to expect.

Writing up the plot of this movie is ultimately not a very useful endeavour since it's nearly two hours of running around and explosions in southern Utah without any real depth or intrigue. John Travolta plays a crazy man with no character development who steals a nuclear bomb so he can blackmail the government and then, "invest 5% in Volvo, the safest automobile in the world." His one rule as a chaotic neutral is to endorse products. Christian Slater is trying to stop him with the help of a female park ranger who doesn't do anything of substance. We get a lot of nice shots of Glen Canyon and Lake Powell and some really hammy acting from Travolta who never met a piece of scenery he didn't wish to consume whole like a snake, but otherwise the film is a little boring (unless you're Sarah, who loved it; bless her nostalgia goggles).

The one thing that probably could have improved our experience was playing John Woo bingo, but we had no idea it was one of his movies until we were too far in. I can tell you though that there were no shots of doves flying, likely a byproduct of the location. Next week as long as everyone is present we will probably be doing a rewatch of something we know will be good as a palate cleanser.

Spoon Rating: 3.5

Hawk: Warrior Of The Wheelzone [1991]

[Cross-posted on the Bad Movie Night Facebook page.]

Let me point out first of all that the picture to the right is not a picture of the cover of "Hawk: Warrior of the Wheelzone." That doesn't appear to exist. Instead it is a picture of the cover of "The Legend of the Roller Blade Seven" because the history of the "Roller Blade Seven" movies is long and nonsensical. Donald G. Jackson and Scott Shaw used the footage they shot from their zen, script-less movie to make "The Roller Blade Seven" and "Return of the Roller Blade Seven." They then merged the two into a presumably more coherent film called "The Legend of the Roller Blade Seven." "Hawk: Warrior of the Wheelzone" is seemingly a remake of that merged film. The result is that it's a lot more coherent than the two original movies, but that makes it only really interesting to a "Roller Blade" completionist.

The beginning of the plot is identical to that of "The Roller Blade Seven." Sister Sparrow of the Light Institute is kidnapped by Saint O'ffender and Hawk must skate the path of righteousness to rescue her. Along the way he meets Stella Speed, wiffle bat clown girl, and a bunch of S&M themed gangs. In this version of the story, Stella gets captured by Frank Stallone, a disabled veteran, and adorned with a wedding veil and snakes. Hawk gets captured too, saves Stella, and they get married at the end.

Overall, this film makes a lot more sense but that doesn't make it better. Part of the charm of the "Roller Blade Seven" movies is their absolute absurdity. That's what makes this film in particular so hard to review. If you can only watch one, "Return of the Roller Blade Seven" is the most ridiculous. Watching both of the originals is probably ideal, but if you watch both of the original movies, "Hawk" is really unnecessary.

Spoon Rating: 5*

*But this one is only worth watching in the same way that the previous two are, and they're better.

REWATCH: Showgirls [1995]

Last week Kay couldn't make it to movie night because of the snow, so everyone else watched "Showgirls" since Erik hasn't seen it.

I've already written two posts about the movie so just click the "showgirls" tag at the bottom of this post if you need to read about it.

Petey Wheatstraw: The Devil's Son-In-Law [1977]

[Cross-posted on the Bad Movie Night Facebook page.]

It's been so long since we first experienced Rudy Ray Moore in "Disco Godfather." It's kind of shameful how long we've waited to explore his other films since he is just such a joy to watch. With a title like "Petey Wheatstraw: The Devil's Son-In-Law," there's no way we could go wrong. And we were right. This movie is amazing, and we can't wait to watch the rest of his filmography.

We start with an intro from the man himself telling us we are going to hear the story of how he became the devil's son-in-law. It starts with his mother giving birth to a ten year old who already speaks English (and a watermelon but that's neither here nor there). He learns karate as part of the prologue from a random wizard-like man on the street, and we get the ridiculously catchy theme song. Petey grows up to be a comedian who gets entangled in some nonsense with a gang that doesn't want him playing at their venue. They murder a young boy associated with Petey in the most tonally dissonant scene in the film and then everyone gets gunned down during the funeral. The devil resurrects Petey to offer him a deal: he'll bring everyone back to life if he agrees to marry the devil's daughter. Petey accepts and then goes about enacting his revenge. He also gets the devil's pimp cane, which allows him seemingly unending powers. Eventually the devil comes to make good on the deal and Petey comes up with the 'brilliant' plan to have a mask of his face made and then put on a drunk to take his place. It works exactly as well as you would think. This ends with a rooftop showdown against the devil that he seems to win but ultimately loses and we finally get a reveal of the daughter's face and that great theme song again.

This movie is such a ride. Rudy speaks about half or more of his dialogue in rhymes, the plot is off-the-rails, and it's just unfailingly charming in its complete absurdity. This was a movie that so thoroughly achieved its objectives that calling it bad doesn't even seem fair. You have no choice but to admire this level of self awareness.

You must watch this. If you are still not convinced, listen to the theme song. Heck, even if you are convinced listen to the theme song.

Spoon Rating: 8.5

The Guy From Harlem [1977]

[Cross-posted on the Bad Movie Night Facebook page.]

This post it very, very late. We actually watched "The Guy From Harlem" two weeks ago but I completely neglected to write about it. Either way, I should note that this week we rewatched "Singham" for the second time because Erik had never seen it, and it's still as glorious as it ever was.

"The Guy From Harlem" is a really excellent piece of blaxploitation and one of few films with rewatch potential that we've seen in a while. The film is about a guy from Harlem (I know, stunning) who works as what appears to be a private detective. In the beginning he is tasked with looking after the wife of a diplomat from Africa (we are never told which country but she has a perfect American accent) and told not to try to sleep with her. He promptly tries to sleep with her. When they are threatened in his hotel room, they go to the place of a white lady friend he has and basically kick her out so they can have sex in her apartment. This happens twice in the film. In what appears to be act two, the guy is supposed to retrieve the kidnapped daughter of a drug kingpin. He also has sex with her at the friend's apartment. It was around this moment that we realized this had probably been conceptualized as a television show and then was hastily reworked into a movie when the possibility fell through. It has a formula and can't seem to get a more complex plot to cover a greater span than about 40 minutes if you stretch it.

The plot may not be much but the quality of this film cannot be ignored. There's weird sound, bad writing, ridiculous editing where large chunks of the film seem to have disappeared, and, most amazingly, a theme song that gets used constantly. Definitely add this one to your watch list.

Quote: *kidnapper with a gun* "I'm going to blow you away. Have you ever been blown away before?"

Spoon Rating: 7.5

The Hunchback of Notre Dame (Jetlag) [2002]

[Cross-posted on the Bad Movie Night Facebook page.]

In a continuation of what could aptly be called "The Hunchbackening" as we attempt to watch as many versions of "The Hunchback of Notre Dame" both good and bad as we can, we watched the Jetlag Productions version. It starts in a way that implies that it may be one of a series of films about classic books where some kids go on a roller coaster through movie clips but there was no conclusion to that frame narrative so who knows.

The movie follows the plot of the book more accurately than any other version of "Hunchback" except maybe the French stage musical including a bunch of minor characters like Pierre Gringoire and Fleur-de-lis except somehow no one dies. Even Disney had the nerve to kill off Frollo. In this one, Quasi pushes Frollo off a small bridge at the end and we never see him again so we can assume whatever we want. This movie also, while not a direct romance like the other animated movie that we watched, did end with Quasi and Esmerelda disappearing together. 

So was it fun to watch? Yeah. The animation is lazy and there are weirdly long pauses between dialogue. Phoebus is the only one with a French accent and is constantly fooling with his moustache and, as expected, Frollo was comically evil but this time without a cool villain song. There were actually two songs in this movie and they were both lazy, an intro and a Quasi loves Esmeralda number. They were so lazy, I almost didn't mention them.

Spoon Rating: 6

Afterwards we watched an episode of "Madeline" where they put on a play of "Hunchback" and Gerard Depardieu is there. We don't recommend it.

REWATCH: 420 Awards [2019]

[Cross-posted on the Bad Movie Night Facebook page.]

It's not been very long but we decided to do a rewatch of the "420 Awards." Read the original post here.

Bring It On: Worldwide #Cheersmack [2017]

[Cross-posted on the Bad Movie Night Facebook page.]

For a while we were experimenting with the idea of watching the fifth installment in a series in isolation as a bad movie night concept. Yesterday, we did one better with the sixth installment in the "Bring It On" series. But wait! It wasn't just the sixth in the series but also a film made almost a decade after the previous installment, a perfect recipe for badness. And this movie feels cheap. It stars no one except Vivica A. Fox of "Cool Cat Saves The Kids" fame who never leaves a single room and clearly shot all her scenes in a day. Everyone else in the movie is probably a dancer because they certainly aren't actors although at one point a random middle aged man shows up in the background who we all suspected was a camera guy added to the scene to increase the number of people.

The movie does an extremely poor job of establishing its universe. Right from the beginning we are unsure if the cheerleading team is a collegiate team, a professional team, or just some sort of hobby. Either way, the ironically named Rebels are part of some online cheer community that worships the Cheer Goddess, Vivica. Destiny, the captain, is a cheertator who enlists a bunch of street dancers because their dudes quit and then falls for the street artist one. She's under a lot of stress because another team, the Truth, has challenged her team and apparently this is a big deal. She fights and makes up with her friend Willow and then in a twist that was no surprise at all, the ditzy blonde is actually working for the other side. Turns out she's a cheertator over there while Destiny learns to spread the cheerpower to all the cheerlebrities on her team. This language quirk is constant and at one point lampshaded by street artist guy as a verbal quirk of Destiny even though every cheerleader does it. The Rebels beat the Truth at competition where they are the only two live performers because the other international teams videos were clearly pilfered by the film makers under the guise of them being audition tapes or something. We all learn a valuable lesson about cheership.

This movie is bad in a few different ways. The acting is abysmal, the script is predictable, and overall it felt a lot more like a "Step Up" film than a "Bring It On" film. This may be partially because of the deviation from the race themes of the series and the lack of actual cheering. We definitely got some laughs overall so it's at least worth a watch.

Spoon Rating: 5.5

The Hunchback of Notre Dame (Golden Films) [1996] & The Hunchback of Notre Dame II [2002]

[Cross-posted on the Bad Movie Night Facebook page.]

It's a double feature, folks! So aside from the obvious connection between the two films, there is a reason why this particular combination entered our lives. Kay's go-to favorite book is "The Hunckback of Notre Dame" and Adam finished it a while ago. Because Kay is relentless, they set out on an adventure to watch a bunch of different adaptions of the book including the 1939 film, the Disney film, and the stage musical. While hunting for the Disney film, they came across the Golden Films version of the story and it looked so bad, it went on the bad movie night list and oh, boy was it a ride.

This movie was only 44 minutes long which somehow felt both too long and too short. The movie opens on a song about France that muddles the time period of the story so much that there's no way it's taking place in medieval times. From the beginning, something seems off and Sarah hit the nail on the head: this film looks like someone took a knockoff of "Beauty and the Beast" and retrofitted it to be a "Hunchback" knockoff. Melody, Esmeralda's white gypsy replacement, looks like Belle with a torn hem and hoop earrings. Melody has talking instruments that at one point could have been dishware. The bad guy is some French stereotype named Jean Claude who looks like a poor man's Gaston. He even travels around with his father who looks kind of like LaFou. Jean Claude hits on Melody but when she rebuffs him, he decides to arrest her for "raising his taxes." She meets a mostly not quasi-modoed Quasimodo and they fall in love instantly. JC kidnaps Melody's mom to lure her out and arrest her. She sings a happy song right before her execution. She's saved at the last minute by Quasi who was hot all along.

This film is a terrible delight. The animation is shoddy and repetitive, the few songs are like rejects from a 1930s musical, nothing about the story resembles its namesake and the moral of the story is totally contradicted by the end revel. It's terrible. Watch it.

Spoon Rating: 6

Our second feature of the night was "The Hunchback of Notre Dame II," the hastily thrown together straight-to-DVD sequel to Disney's "Hunchback." The animation is notably flatter and worse than the original but they somehow managed to get back the original voice actors. The plot of this one is basically, "Get Quasi a girlfriend" with an ongoing theme about "inner beauty." Yes, it far less dark than the original and far simpler. Madeline, a circus performer, is told by her comically vain and heavily queer-coded boss to seduce Quasi in order to find out the location of this one expensive bell decorated with gems inside (it's pretty on the inside, geddit?!) that he wants to steal. How one would steal a bell so heavy that it can't be lifted is one question. Another is why do you need to know the location? It's in the BELL tower. Either way, she and Quasi hang out and bond over their shared love of climbing things until Quasi finds out from Phoebus that Madeline is tricking him. The bell gets stolen as well as Phoebus and Esmeralda's kid, Zephyr, and they have to save the day. In the end, Madeline of course has fallen for Quasi and they declare their love at this love festival that is sung about in the beginning. Presumably she moves into Notre Dame, although we never find out how Quasi makes money now that Frollo is dead. Does the church give him a stipend for his work? This bothered us the whole movie.

Overall, this is an interesting watch if you are familiar with the original Disney film but it's probably not fun if you aren't familiar with the source material. We got a few laughs for sure, but it wasn't something we'd feel super compelled to recommend.

Spoon Rating: 4

Gun Self-Defense For Ladies [2019]

[Cross-posted on the Bad Movie Night Facebook page.]

In our effort to explore to the whole Derek Savage filmography, we obviously had to watch the latest "Gun Self-Defense For Ladies." Steeped in Savage's political rhetoric, which mostly consists of claims that crime is on the rise (it's not) and that the liberal media is lying, the film is a disjointed series of interviews and inaccurate demonstrations that are meant to convince the viewers that guns are fun and you should totally get a concealed carry permit to beat the bad guys. Oh, and he occasionally shoehorns in Cool Cat clips and music because he's Derek Savage and he needs to cross promote at every step of the way.

Because the film doesn't really have a plot, it's kind of hard to explain so I will just list some of the types of scenes we get:

• Many scenes of Derek interviewing women who managed to fight off attackers without a gun but who would "feel better" with a gun
• Scenes of Derek in the Nevada desert (why are all these crazy people in Nevada? Actually, I've been there. That tracks) shooting off guns for fun.
• More scenes in the desert with a young girl who's a first time shooter and the guy who acts as the attacker shooting for the first time and clearly hating it.
• Scenes in Derek's house where he incorrectly teaches you the parts of the guns and how to use them in front of a poster for the film.
• A sequence where he goes to a martial arts studio and you can see the pain on the instructor's face whenever Savage talks
• A bunch more interviews where people continue to perpetuate the narrative that violence is getting more common and the solution is MOAR GUNS.

It wasn't his best film. Adam as a former Marine seemed to be in genuine pain the whole film because of the inaccuracies and Kay started drifting off more than once, but it is worth a watch if you could get your hands on it for less than the $15 Adam paid. 

Spoon Rating: 6

REWATCH: Plan 9 From Outer Space [1959] & The Rainbow Sponge

[Cross-posted on the Bad Movie Night Facebook page.]

So it turns out I've never done a full write-up on "Plan 9 From Outer Space," and I guess I'm not gonna start now. Just watch it. It's a classic.

Spoon Rating: 8

Although it should be noted that we actually watched it after we watched a video on YouTube called "The Rainbow Sponge" where a lady who is orgasmic about crafts shows us how to make designs with a dense sponge. It was possibly even more of a work of art than "Plan 9."

Sorry, Ed Wood. We still love you.

Spoon Rating: 9

Hercules [2014]

[Cross-posted on the Bad Movie Night Facebook page.]

We've got some good options lined up in the future but since it was just Adam, Kay, and Grandma, we decided to watch something that probably wouldn't be too good. Since Adam loves a good bad battle scene and Kay loves any excuse to talk about mythology or historical costuming, we settled on "Hercules" starring Rock The Dwayne Johnson and a bunch of other people who had some spare time.

We spent a lot of this movie trying to figure out which part of the Hercules story was going to be told. The answer was, we made up a new story vaguely tied to mythology. All the 12 labors and the murder of his wife and kids are behind him and the whole thing just focuses on him and his band of mercenaries (yes, he has a band) getting hired to train the army of Thrace but it turns out they were the bad guys all along. Most of the movie is training montages and battle scenes. At least the battle scenes had moments of comedy for Adam who used the word stupid at least three times in relation to everything from flaming arrows to battle formations. Kay complained a lot about the costumes, especially Atlanta's boob armor, and got angry every time they used "Hades" to be synonymous with "Hell" instead of just the afterlife in general. She said "You're all going to Hades eventually!" many times.

Overall, don't bother. There are something like hundreds of Hercules movies in the world and this one didn't even feature moon men or lava monsters.

Spoon Rating: 3

Breakthrough [2019]

[Cross-posted on the Bad Movie Night Facebook page.]

So Adam's older sister has vastly different taste than the members of the Bad Movie crew. One time she offered a recommendation that we watch "Black Mirror" on bad movie night because "it's so bad" and we thought she was kidding. By this logic, we thought watching a movie that she liked might be an entertaining experience for us and we were mostly right. "Breakthrough" is a Christian movie based on a true story about a kid who fell through some ice and survived after being underwater for a while. According to Sarah, our medical expert, this is actually not a miracle but a fairly common thing that can happen when the body ends up freezing properly in the water, but sure, God did it.

The thin plot revolves around a family with a controlling mom, a fairly absent dad, and their adopted son who has a real thorn in his side about his adoption. While playing with some friends on a frozen lake, they fall in and the son, comically named John Smith, drowns but does not die. He is rescued and taken to the hospital where we see what Sarah described as a the "worst code scene" she has witnessed in a film. They apparently did everything out of a order, neglected key things they could have done, and the guy who was supposed to do compressions was mostly just rubbing him. When John obviously doesn't wake, they neglect to declare him dead, which is good since the mom demands that God wake up her son and he listened. The next hour is spent with the mom freaking out at people while the son lies comatose, giving them hope. Eventually she asks that he be taken off life support, a climactic moment of her relinquishing control in favor of God, and he manages to survive with no repercussions. She also learns to accept the hip new pastor at the church who references "Bachelor in Paradise" during sermons and has rock and rap worship music instead of the standard fare. The breakthrough was hers, and her son was just a pawn in her quest for enlightenment.

Overall, it was only okay. It was ripe for making fun of but it wasn't funny alone. Also, having Sarah explain the weird medical stuff was a big help in our enjoyment. I would mostly only recommend this if you have a medical expert in your crew or just really like schmaltzy Christian schlock.

Spoon Rating: 4

Speed 2: Cruise Control [1997]

[Cross-posted on the Bad Movie Night Facebook page.]

This movie is a problem right out of the gate. It's called "Speed 2: Cruise Control" and there is nothing speedy about this movie. First of all, it's a little over two hours long and definitely didn't need to be that long. It probably could have been shortened to an hour and a half without losing a thing. On a more literal level, "Speed" was about a speeding bus and this movie is about a cruise ship (get it) with a bomb on it. A cruise ship is a very slow moving vehicle. Shouldn't sequels try to up the stakes of the original? This should have been a movie about a bullet train or an airplane, not a resort that just happens to be on water. This reaches comical levels when there's a guy reading out the speed of the boat as it slows down, and it starts at 20 knots. Feel the speed! Adam proposed the theory that the script for this movie was just a generic action movie script that no one knew what to do with so they shoe-horned it into the "Speed" franchise so it would make money (basically the same thing as "10 Cloverfield Lane" except that movie is great).

Sandra Bullock's character from the first movie has a throwaway line explaining why Keanu Reeves has been replaced with some cop with a badly receding hairline as she fails a driving test. Sandra and Hairline go on a cruise where Willem Dafoe has planted a bunch of bombs because he used to work for a company associated with the cruises but they fired him for being sick. We never find out what his sickness is (something blood based since he messes with leeches a bunch) or if he has any motivation outside of being a crazy person. Basically, the film is a bunch of people running around a cruise ship for two hours. There's a disturbing subplot where this deaf teenager gets a big crush on Hairline after he talks to her in ASL. Fifteen is exactly the right age to ensure that she's too old for it to be cute and too young for it to be acceptable. Later on he watches "Lolita" in the hotel room to really emphasize the yikes. Also the film ends with the ship driving all the way into St. Martin and causing a bunch of damage. This is one of the funniest parts of the film but you need to wait forever to get to it. 

Otherwise, there's plenty of great Dafoe faces, a plastic container falling off a shelf with a glass breaking sound effect, and some really bad effects. The movie has a lot of hilarious parts but it takes so long to get to them that it isn't really worth watching the whole thing. A film with its humor mostly at the end is better than a movie with the humor front-loaded but it still wasn't worth it. 

Spoon Rating: 4

Descendants 3 [2019]

[Cross-posted on the Bad Movie Night Facebook page.]

So the trilogy is done. Was this movie as gay as the previous one? Not quite, but it may be the weirdest of the three. There are a few reasons for this. One is definitely that at this point in the franchise there are so many characters that the movie feels a bit overstuffed. The focus is very much on Mal, as it always has been, but there isn't even time to give the barest nod to some of the characters. Uma is the closest to getting an arc other than her but mostly each character only gets a bare nod of acknowledgment. Another thing that makes this movie odd is the reintroduction of the parents, who were completely absent from the previous film after we had to suffer through them in the first one. Removing the parents had been one of the distinct improvements of the second, but at least they didn't bring back any of those parents specifically. Finally, a big reason this movie felt off was that the songs seemed to be more poorly integrated than in the previous films. They were no worse than the previous films (although "Chillin' Like A Villain" from the second is still the best) but whenever a character started to sing, it felt sudden. Oh, and then there's the fact that the entire plot was just nuts.

The movie starts with Ben proposing to Mal. I guess they're eighteen now? Also, for some reason this means she will be a ruling monarch and her first act as queen is to demand closed borders against the Isle of the Lost. Her reason for this is weak. In the prologue, the main four select four more villain kids to go to Auradon and on their way out Hades tries to break through the barrier with seemingly no motivation. If you're wondering how a god is even able to be contained on this island, we're right there with you.

Meanwhile, Audrey, Sleeping Beauty's daughter, responds to the engagement announcement by turning into a villain. Apparently in spite of not appearing in the second one, she's still sore that Ben broke up with her. Weak motivations are the name of the game here. She breaks into the museum and steals the queen's crown and magic scepter. 

The main crew, plus Dr. Facilier's daughter who was one of the kids picked to go to Audadon, go back to the Isle of the Lost because the only thing that can defeat the magic scepter is Hades' ember. It looks like a blue gemstone and a gemstone would make more sense because Hades is the god of the wealth found underground like precious stones and metals but OKAY. Dr. Facilier makes a brief appearance in what is easily the least silly and most accurate villain costume and then his daughter leads Mal into Hadestown the Underworld. This was an enjoyable detail since the Faciliers can canonically talk to the dead. They follow the railroad line on the road to Hell and try to steal the ember while Hades is sleeping (there was a beware of dog sign but Cerberus was just a recording). He wakes up and we find out he's Mal's dad who left when she was young. Yes, in the "Descendants" universe Maleficent and Hades had sex making Mal half witch and half god. They sing a song about their conflicted relationship and then he just gives her the ember because this movie does make the barest effort to retcon making Hades evil in "Hercules." If the franchise needed a villain who was easily redeemable, Hades was actually the best choice since he's not evil in mythology and also one of the most easily likable of the Disney villains.

On their way out of the island, Mal bumps into Uma and her two queer pirates. They agree to work together to defeat Audrey under the idea that Mal will open the island when she becomes queen. Evie is a motivational speaker now. Jay and Gil(?) plan various dates together.

They go back to Auradon and the pirates are amazed by the luxuries they don't have on the Isle. Again, the class themes of this movie are so great, it's a shame the movies aren't. Everyone has been put to sleep by Audrey, and Chad has become her whipping boy of his own volition. Evie wakes Doug with a kiss of true love and has a whole weird song about it. Jane, who is inexplicably still dating Carlos in spite of him being gay, avoided Audrey's sleeping gas and Ben has a moment of being a beast for a second but he gets better. They wander around for a while and they find out Mal lied about the open borders. She sings about it after they are all turned to stone by Audrey and then she turns into a dragon to fight her and nearly kills her. Inexplicably the only one who can bring her back to life is Hades in spite of the fact that his god powers should do the exact opposite. Either way, he is brought to Auradon in handcuffs (again, he's a god so...) and he cures her. He's just happy to see the sun for once, and this depressing admission makes Mal finally realize she's being a crazy dictator.

The movie ends with a bridge being built from Auradon to the Isle of the Lost and a big dance number. There's no implication of another movie, but I think we can expect that soon there will be a raising right-wing movement against those villains who "took their jobs" and are "lowering the quality of their neighborhoods."

Spoon Rating: 6

SPECIAL: 420 Awards [2019]

[Cross-posted on the Bad Movie Night Facebook page.]

So last Monday the Bad Movie Night crew rewatched "A Talking Cat!?!" since Kay was on vacation, but on Friday night Adam and Kay ended up watching something that was such prime bad movie content that it is going to end up a future rewatch on an actual Monday: "The 420 Awards." How did we find something like this? It was created by Derek Savage, occasionally more well known as Daddy Derek, the guy behind the Cool Cat. We were browsing his IMDb page, as you do on a Friday night, and discovered this weird little thing, which happens to be on YouTube in its entirety. 

So there isn't a plot obviously; it's an awards show, an awards show with tens of people in the audience. It is the worst awards show we've ever seen. The award categories were for "favorite kiss-ass movie," "stoner movie," "hottest actor," "hottest actress," "male singer," "female singer," "stoner song," "stoner music video," "indie movie," "movie," and "all-time favorite movie." The selections were mostly pulled directly from Derek Savage's behind with the exaction of "indie movie" where four movies that were definitely not independent were nominated against, you guessed it, "Cool Cat Kids Superhero." At this point the entire purpose of the awards show is clear: Derek invented an awards show to give himself an award. The awards are all accepted by random people although Derek, who also hosts, really tried to get people to show up and mentions calling agents. In between the awards we have three comedians who are all terrible, a harpist who sings a pot-themed version of "Danny Boy," two magicians who are both bad, a ventriloquist who's just hiding his mouth behind his hand, and a singer who sings karaoke jams. Also remember that this is all done with Derek Savage's trademark horrible editing. He also got copyright strikes for playing songs and trailers of the things he nominated so he replaced the music with "Cool Cat" songs.

We laughed from beginning to end.

Spoon Rating: 9

Deadly Scavengers [2001]

[Cross-posted on the Bad Movie Night Facebook page.]

It's been a while since we've seen a movie worthy of a rewatch. We've seen a fair amount of decent films lately, ones that should definitely get on your list, but nothing that we felt so passionate about that we will be watching it again in the future. Enter "Deadly Scavengers." This movie has everything: "Birdemic" level graphics, bad acting, a plot with elements that are ripped off from better movies and dialogue that explains rather than flows like natural conversation, and some of the worst sound design we've encountered (not as bad as "Still Flowin'" or "Guru The Mad Monk" but definitely as bad as "Black Ninja"; so it's intelligable).

As far as we could gleam, the plot is about a giant cockroach that's going around killing people. Note: there may be more than one, but it seems to be just the one. It kills someone in the beginning who doesn't matter and then attacks some scientists who may be responsible for its existence. Then we are treated to totally different characters for a solid 45 minutes with no attacks. A squad of "cleaners" are called in to cover up these attacks and they include a guy and girl with a past involving a lot of belligerent sexual tension, a man with the worst fake Irish accent ever, a woman who abhors all things girly (late 90s feminism everyone), and a former Marine who's sensititve. They find the daughter of a murdered scientist in a tree, and she turns out to be the former Marine's ex and a former, at this point, bug scientist. There's a lot of awkward sex scenes in tents. In a parallel story, there are two government agents who don't get along who are also investigating the bug attacks: a guy who accidently killed someone at the agency and can't forgive himself, and a women ironically named Lovejoy who also won't forgive him. They fight a lot until seconds before the man is killed by a bug. Most of the cleaners die in stupid ways that I'd rather no spoil and the former Marine double crosses bug girl and we are ultimately left with just Lovejoy and bug girl, who decide to be friends? Or girlfriends because they both need love? It's unclear, and we couldn't hear the dialogue.

So this film is choice. We laughed a lot consistently throughout the film, and there was rarely a dull moment. Enjoy!

Spoon Rating: 7.5