Let me point out first of all that the picture to the right is not a picture of the cover of "Hawk: Warrior of the Wheelzone." That doesn't appear to exist. Instead it is a picture of the cover of "The Legend of the Roller Blade Seven" because the history of the "Roller Blade Seven" movies is long and nonsensical. Donald G. Jackson and Scott Shaw used the footage they shot from their zen, script-less movie to make "The Roller Blade Seven" and "Return of the Roller Blade Seven." They then merged the two into a presumably more coherent film called "The Legend of the Roller Blade Seven." "Hawk: Warrior of the Wheelzone" is seemingly a remake of that merged film. The result is that it's a lot more coherent than the two original movies, but that makes it only really interesting to a "Roller Blade" completionist.
The beginning of the plot is identical to that of "The Roller Blade Seven." Sister Sparrow of the Light Institute is kidnapped by Saint O'ffender and Hawk must skate the path of righteousness to rescue her. Along the way he meets Stella Speed, wiffle bat clown girl, and a bunch of S&M themed gangs. In this version of the story, Stella gets captured by Frank Stallone, a disabled veteran, and adorned with a wedding veil and snakes. Hawk gets captured too, saves Stella, and they get married at the end.
Overall, this film makes a lot more sense but that doesn't make it better. Part of the charm of the "Roller Blade Seven" movies is their absolute absurdity. That's what makes this film in particular so hard to review. If you can only watch one, "Return of the Roller Blade Seven" is the most ridiculous. Watching both of the originals is probably ideal, but if you watch both of the original movies, "Hawk" is really unnecessary.
Spoon Rating: 5*
*But this one is only worth watching in the same way that the previous two are, and they're better.
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