Descendants 3 [2019]

[Cross-posted on the Bad Movie Night Facebook page.]

So the trilogy is done. Was this movie as gay as the previous one? Not quite, but it may be the weirdest of the three. There are a few reasons for this. One is definitely that at this point in the franchise there are so many characters that the movie feels a bit overstuffed. The focus is very much on Mal, as it always has been, but there isn't even time to give the barest nod to some of the characters. Uma is the closest to getting an arc other than her but mostly each character only gets a bare nod of acknowledgment. Another thing that makes this movie odd is the reintroduction of the parents, who were completely absent from the previous film after we had to suffer through them in the first one. Removing the parents had been one of the distinct improvements of the second, but at least they didn't bring back any of those parents specifically. Finally, a big reason this movie felt off was that the songs seemed to be more poorly integrated than in the previous films. They were no worse than the previous films (although "Chillin' Like A Villain" from the second is still the best) but whenever a character started to sing, it felt sudden. Oh, and then there's the fact that the entire plot was just nuts.

The movie starts with Ben proposing to Mal. I guess they're eighteen now? Also, for some reason this means she will be a ruling monarch and her first act as queen is to demand closed borders against the Isle of the Lost. Her reason for this is weak. In the prologue, the main four select four more villain kids to go to Auradon and on their way out Hades tries to break through the barrier with seemingly no motivation. If you're wondering how a god is even able to be contained on this island, we're right there with you.

Meanwhile, Audrey, Sleeping Beauty's daughter, responds to the engagement announcement by turning into a villain. Apparently in spite of not appearing in the second one, she's still sore that Ben broke up with her. Weak motivations are the name of the game here. She breaks into the museum and steals the queen's crown and magic scepter. 

The main crew, plus Dr. Facilier's daughter who was one of the kids picked to go to Audadon, go back to the Isle of the Lost because the only thing that can defeat the magic scepter is Hades' ember. It looks like a blue gemstone and a gemstone would make more sense because Hades is the god of the wealth found underground like precious stones and metals but OKAY. Dr. Facilier makes a brief appearance in what is easily the least silly and most accurate villain costume and then his daughter leads Mal into Hadestown the Underworld. This was an enjoyable detail since the Faciliers can canonically talk to the dead. They follow the railroad line on the road to Hell and try to steal the ember while Hades is sleeping (there was a beware of dog sign but Cerberus was just a recording). He wakes up and we find out he's Mal's dad who left when she was young. Yes, in the "Descendants" universe Maleficent and Hades had sex making Mal half witch and half god. They sing a song about their conflicted relationship and then he just gives her the ember because this movie does make the barest effort to retcon making Hades evil in "Hercules." If the franchise needed a villain who was easily redeemable, Hades was actually the best choice since he's not evil in mythology and also one of the most easily likable of the Disney villains.

On their way out of the island, Mal bumps into Uma and her two queer pirates. They agree to work together to defeat Audrey under the idea that Mal will open the island when she becomes queen. Evie is a motivational speaker now. Jay and Gil(?) plan various dates together.

They go back to Auradon and the pirates are amazed by the luxuries they don't have on the Isle. Again, the class themes of this movie are so great, it's a shame the movies aren't. Everyone has been put to sleep by Audrey, and Chad has become her whipping boy of his own volition. Evie wakes Doug with a kiss of true love and has a whole weird song about it. Jane, who is inexplicably still dating Carlos in spite of him being gay, avoided Audrey's sleeping gas and Ben has a moment of being a beast for a second but he gets better. They wander around for a while and they find out Mal lied about the open borders. She sings about it after they are all turned to stone by Audrey and then she turns into a dragon to fight her and nearly kills her. Inexplicably the only one who can bring her back to life is Hades in spite of the fact that his god powers should do the exact opposite. Either way, he is brought to Auradon in handcuffs (again, he's a god so...) and he cures her. He's just happy to see the sun for once, and this depressing admission makes Mal finally realize she's being a crazy dictator.

The movie ends with a bridge being built from Auradon to the Isle of the Lost and a big dance number. There's no implication of another movie, but I think we can expect that soon there will be a raising right-wing movement against those villains who "took their jobs" and are "lowering the quality of their neighborhoods."

Spoon Rating: 6