Oh well. Happy holidays!
Tuesday, December 26, 2017
NEWS: Black Christmas [1974]
Oh well. Happy holidays!
Tuesday, December 19, 2017
REWATCH: The Room [2003]
[Cross-posted on the Bad Movie Night Facebook page.]
Adam's sister Leah and future brother-in-law Matt were at Bad Movie Night and we were horrified to find that they had never seen "The Room." Obviously we had to fix this problem so we got a football and ordered a pizza that was half Canadian bacon and pineapple, half artichoke and pesto light on the cheese and gave them the best movie going experience ever.
You can read many other "The Room" related things by clicking on the "the room" tag below this post.
I'm completed serious about the pizza:
We were a house divided on opinions. Keith and Kay both thought the artichoke and pesto side was pretty good. Adam thought it was awful but liked the bacon and pineapple. Also, they wouldn't put the pesto on for us because it would mix with the tomato sauce on the other half so we had to put it on manually. This explains why in the movie they just have a plain cheese.
There was no scotchka involved.
Adam's sister Leah and future brother-in-law Matt were at Bad Movie Night and we were horrified to find that they had never seen "The Room." Obviously we had to fix this problem so we got a football and ordered a pizza that was half Canadian bacon and pineapple, half artichoke and pesto light on the cheese and gave them the best movie going experience ever.
You can read many other "The Room" related things by clicking on the "the room" tag below this post.
I'm completed serious about the pizza:
There was no scotchka involved.
Friday, December 15, 2017
SPECIAL: The Disaster Artist [2017]
[Cross-posted on the Bad Movie Night Facebook page.]
Bad Movie Night went to the movies! It has been a while since we have gone to an actual theater to see a movie, but this time it wasn't a bad one. "The Disaster Artist" is a film based on the book written by Greg Sestero about the making of "The Room." I did a review of the book three years ago that you can read here. Like the book, the film was really worth your time, especially if you are a fan of "The Room."
The film centers around the friendship between two struggling actors: Greg Sestero, who is seen as young and with potential, and Tommy Wiseau, a man of indeterminate age, origin, and sanity level, and seemingly bottomless wealth. In their joint attempt at finding success in L.A., Tommy gets the idea to write, direct, and star in a film with Greg, which ends up being "The Room." The shooting of the film is fraught with issues from arguments between Tommy and the crew, to scheduling problems, to a lack of air conditioning that leads to one of the actresses passing out. All the while, Tommy and Greg's relationship is strained as Greg gets acting jobs and wants to move in with his girlfriend, which doesn't jive with the overly clingy Tommy. The film culminates in the premiere of the movie where the actors and crew are appalled to see how bad the film is. Soon shock turns to laughter which brightens the experience for everyone except Tommy, until Greg conveys to him that they really do love it, even if they don't love it in the way Tommy intended.
This film is a great example of a "good story, well told." Sometimes with films based off real events, it can be hard to tell the difference between a "good story" and a "good story, well told" and seemingly any story on "The Room" and Tommy Wiseau would be a decent watch because the real story is so compelling. What helps me to make this distinction is probably the fact that I know so much about the actual history from reading the book. Things were changed from Greg's original account, but each change was cleverly made in the name of making a more coherent film. For example, the acceptance of "The Room" as a delightful bad movie was not something that started at the premiere but something that happened gradually over time. Making this change for a visual medium creates more narrative coherency for an unfamiliar audience.
In addition to the script, the acting was startling. James Franco's Tommy impression is spot on and kind of outshines all the other amazing actors but everyone deserves props. As a special bonus at the end of the film, they showed scenes from "The Room" side by side with the actors from "The Disaster Artist" performing the same scenes and they were practically indistinguishable.
So go see it. If you are a fan of "The Room" or bad movies, it is a must. If you just like good movies, go watch it. But if you are unfamiliar with "The Room," do yourself a favor and watch the original masterpiece first.
The film centers around the friendship between two struggling actors: Greg Sestero, who is seen as young and with potential, and Tommy Wiseau, a man of indeterminate age, origin, and sanity level, and seemingly bottomless wealth. In their joint attempt at finding success in L.A., Tommy gets the idea to write, direct, and star in a film with Greg, which ends up being "The Room." The shooting of the film is fraught with issues from arguments between Tommy and the crew, to scheduling problems, to a lack of air conditioning that leads to one of the actresses passing out. All the while, Tommy and Greg's relationship is strained as Greg gets acting jobs and wants to move in with his girlfriend, which doesn't jive with the overly clingy Tommy. The film culminates in the premiere of the movie where the actors and crew are appalled to see how bad the film is. Soon shock turns to laughter which brightens the experience for everyone except Tommy, until Greg conveys to him that they really do love it, even if they don't love it in the way Tommy intended.
This film is a great example of a "good story, well told." Sometimes with films based off real events, it can be hard to tell the difference between a "good story" and a "good story, well told" and seemingly any story on "The Room" and Tommy Wiseau would be a decent watch because the real story is so compelling. What helps me to make this distinction is probably the fact that I know so much about the actual history from reading the book. Things were changed from Greg's original account, but each change was cleverly made in the name of making a more coherent film. For example, the acceptance of "The Room" as a delightful bad movie was not something that started at the premiere but something that happened gradually over time. Making this change for a visual medium creates more narrative coherency for an unfamiliar audience.
In addition to the script, the acting was startling. James Franco's Tommy impression is spot on and kind of outshines all the other amazing actors but everyone deserves props. As a special bonus at the end of the film, they showed scenes from "The Room" side by side with the actors from "The Disaster Artist" performing the same scenes and they were practically indistinguishable.
So go see it. If you are a fan of "The Room" or bad movies, it is a must. If you just like good movies, go watch it. But if you are unfamiliar with "The Room," do yourself a favor and watch the original masterpiece first.
Wednesday, December 6, 2017
Suburban Sasquatch [2004]
[Cross-posted on the Bad Movie Night Facebook page.]
This movie has a combo pack of things that will immediately make us laugh: terrible monster costume + terrible computer generated images. This movie is basically a blend of "Birdemic" and "Zaat" in terms of those features, but it also has that made-in-someone's-suburb-with-a-cheap-handheld quality that is verified at the end of the movie by a sea of credits featuring the same three names over and over again with the rest of the crew made up of people in the director's immediate family. Add in some bad lighting effects and some cultural ignorance and you have "Suburban Sasquatch," a movie whose title tells you everything you need to know about the quality.
The plot centers around a journalist trying to write a story about this sasquatch (who looks nothing like the movie cover; he's more a man in a gorilla suit that has genitalia??) that is terrorizing a town in Pennsylvania. He teams up with a "Native American warrior" girl whose destiny is to kill the sasquatch as her tribe has been keeping the 'squatch population under control for centuries. She lives in a tent in the woods and seems to be able to see through the eyes of a eagle because it's her spirit animal. The film spends a lot of time introducing random people to become victims. At one point squatchy tears a dog in two that is a stuffed animal that looks nothing like the original dog. There's a lot of utilization of fake limbs and CGI. There are CGI arrows, blood, birds (of "Birdemic" quality), and night time. Most of the movie is the two mains running through the woods, which is better than the victims who mostly just stay where they are and scream until they die. I can't remember the ending and the internet can't help me here either unless I want to watch a video about it. I'm gonna guess the squatchster is dead.
This one is worth your time.
Quotes:
"This game is going to get us killed and I don't know if I can live with that."
"This isn't your run-of-the-mill sasquatch."
Spoon Rating: 8
This movie has a combo pack of things that will immediately make us laugh: terrible monster costume + terrible computer generated images. This movie is basically a blend of "Birdemic" and "Zaat" in terms of those features, but it also has that made-in-someone's-suburb-with-a-cheap-handheld quality that is verified at the end of the movie by a sea of credits featuring the same three names over and over again with the rest of the crew made up of people in the director's immediate family. Add in some bad lighting effects and some cultural ignorance and you have "Suburban Sasquatch," a movie whose title tells you everything you need to know about the quality.This one is worth your time.
"This game is going to get us killed and I don't know if I can live with that."
"This isn't your run-of-the-mill sasquatch."
Spoon Rating: 8
Tuesday, November 28, 2017
The Lock-In [2014]
[Cross-posted on the Bad Movie Night Facebook page.]
We're back with more Christian nonsense! We've watched Christian horror movies before but the ones we've seen have been more based on the idea that hell is the horror that you are trying to avoid. This film is instead a pretty blatant rip-off of "Paranormal Activity" but set during a church lock-in (basically a sleepover for religious kids) and using a porno mag found in a dumpster as the instigator of the demonic activity. Even that cover looks like a horror bootleg.
The film starts with an introduction from a pastor who says that a weird thing happened at a church lock-in and that they have pieced together footage from one kid's camera and the survelliance cameras. We get a warning that the following material is only meant to be seen by church elders. The story is told from the perspective of three 25-year-old high school seniors: Cameraman, Everyman, and Fratman. We see Fratman going to Everyman's house so excited about the lock-in because he thinks it will be the opportunity for Everyman to kiss his crush, Jessica. Everyman's parents overhear and give him an uncomfortable, long speech about not having sex. Then, on the way over to the church, the trio stops for some dumpster driving and find a pornographic magazine that they decide to bring with them. At the lock-in itself, the magazine ends up slipped into Jessica's bag and the pastor goes with the kids outside to burn the magazine. Soon after the magazine is destroyed, it appears again and the boys try to bury it at the bottom of a trashcan only to have the trashcan go flying across the room. Around here we get a random scene of a man confessing to the pastor that he has a porn addition before we return to our regularly scheduled haunting. From there, everyone disappears except our four mains who wander around the vacant church and lament their stupidity as doors are mysteriously unable to opened and there are random growls and light flickers and such. Jessica cries about how porn "ruined her family," Eventually everyone is lost except Cameraman who has a "power of Christ compels you" breakdown before he enters the main chapel to see everyone from the lock-in sitting there the next morning with no memory of the night before. Our last scene features Cameraman throwing away a ton of porn mags he had hiding in his closet..
The film was only okay. The concept was pretty funny and we did get some nice laughs at the melodrama stirred up by porn, but overall it was only about as much fun as "Paranormal Activity 2."
Spoon Rating : 3
The film starts with an introduction from a pastor who says that a weird thing happened at a church lock-in and that they have pieced together footage from one kid's camera and the survelliance cameras. We get a warning that the following material is only meant to be seen by church elders. The story is told from the perspective of three 25-year-old high school seniors: Cameraman, Everyman, and Fratman. We see Fratman going to Everyman's house so excited about the lock-in because he thinks it will be the opportunity for Everyman to kiss his crush, Jessica. Everyman's parents overhear and give him an uncomfortable, long speech about not having sex. Then, on the way over to the church, the trio stops for some dumpster driving and find a pornographic magazine that they decide to bring with them. At the lock-in itself, the magazine ends up slipped into Jessica's bag and the pastor goes with the kids outside to burn the magazine. Soon after the magazine is destroyed, it appears again and the boys try to bury it at the bottom of a trashcan only to have the trashcan go flying across the room. Around here we get a random scene of a man confessing to the pastor that he has a porn addition before we return to our regularly scheduled haunting. From there, everyone disappears except our four mains who wander around the vacant church and lament their stupidity as doors are mysteriously unable to opened and there are random growls and light flickers and such. Jessica cries about how porn "ruined her family," Eventually everyone is lost except Cameraman who has a "power of Christ compels you" breakdown before he enters the main chapel to see everyone from the lock-in sitting there the next morning with no memory of the night before. Our last scene features Cameraman throwing away a ton of porn mags he had hiding in his closet..
The film was only okay. The concept was pretty funny and we did get some nice laughs at the melodrama stirred up by porn, but overall it was only about as much fun as "Paranormal Activity 2."
Spoon Rating : 3
Tuesday, November 14, 2017
Christian Mingle [2014]
[Cross-posted on the Bad Movie Night Facebook page.]
Two things about this movie right away: 1.) This is some of the most blatant marketing ever but this movie also came out at a time when people were sinking money into movies based off board games and 2.) It's always nice to see Lacey Chabet getting work. Technically she doesn't need work as she has been working steadily her whole career and has 131 actor credits on IMDb, but it always feels like she's not getting work since no one can really name a movie she's been in since "Mean Girls." Mostly she does a lot of television movies about Christmas, and apparently doing a little Christian romantic comedy was a nice break from this in some ways. And I can't think of a bigger name actress who is young and seems like a rom com protagonist who would be willing to do this movie so, score for "Christian Mingle."
The film is about Gwenyth, a successful career lady who just can't find the right guy. As all movies know, you are an utter faliure as a woman unless you have a career, husband, and kids, and she is determined to do whatever it takes. So she signs up for Christian Mingle after being taken in by their good advertising (she's an ad executive, by the way, which makes this embarassing), but there's one problem: she's not a Christian! Well, not really. She was baptized and has heard about God, but to the Jesus fandom, she's a noob. She goes out with a guy who we all thought would be the inital date before the romantic lead comes in, but it turned out Sad Khakis was our leading man. He calls his dad "Papa" and can't eat tuna sushi and Gwenyth is clearly the most adventurous girl he's ever met, let alone dated. Gwenyth is besotted for some reason and picks up "Christianity for Dummies" and a Bible at the bookstore to keep up her facade. Thus ensues many silly mistakes on her part like forgetting to say "Amen" at the end of grace. Then Sad Khakis up and leaves for a charity trip to Mexico with his parents and the girl they want him to be with. Gwenyth up and leaves for Mexico too, totally unprepared for doing labor, and her lies are reveled to Khakis when someone finds her "Christianity for Dummies" book in her bag (why did she even bring it). They break up right before the third act and she actually turns to God for real after a series of cry sessions and the discovery of a hipper church that is more her style than Catholic suffering. She goes to Sad Khakis' church to try to convince him that she's changed and finds that he's now with the girl his parents want him to be with. She tears him a new one for listening to his parents and not making his own choices, which is actually completely fair, and then decides to quit her job and move to the town in Mexico that they had helped to become a teacher. Sad Khakis realizes his mistake in letting her go, finds a slightly better sense of style, and goes to Mexico so they can get back together. And, presumably because God said so, they live happily ever after.
This movie was a pretty enjoyable watch. The acting is sincere and the budget is far higher than we thought Christian Mingle could afford for what was basically an hour and 40 minute advert. Most of the laughs came from the premise and specifically the fact that it's actually kind of a servicable but horrendously predictable rom com that has been sprinkled with Jesus. But how does it work as an advert? Honestly, not so great. Sad Khakis isn't really anyone's idea of a dream man, Christian or not, and his transformation comes too late in the game to really change anyone's mind. It's actually more effective as a film if you say that it's about deciding things for yourself. Ultimately, finding God on her own, choosing to quit her job, and Khakis choosing to stop letting his parents decide things for him are what make everyone happy in the end. The relationship angle is just to keep the plot moving. Overall, it's not a waste of time to mingle with "Christian Mingle," but we wouldn't mingle again.
Quote: "We are running out of men. Our husbands are running out of men."
Spoon Rating: 5
Tuesday, November 7, 2017
What Is Real? [1989], Y2K Family Survival Guide [1999], Satanic Cults And Ritual Crime [1990]
[Cross-posted on the Bad Movie Night Facebook page.]
Oh man, it's all about the wild vintage video tonight. We have recently discovered the YouTube channel Occult Demon Cassette, which is full of rips of video cassettes about things like various Christian-themed life advice videos, the terror of Satanism, instructional guides to strange products, cult recruitment, and Y2K scares, among many other oddities. We decided to do a taster platter of what the channel has to offer with three videos of varying lengths and enjoyment value.
What Is Real?
To be perfectly honest, we ended up watching this one because of false advertising. The video was explained as "Father Daughter Mormon Bondage." Apparently the last word should have been "bonding" and even then I'm not totally sure that's an accurate explanation for what we watched. It's a half hour video that's really meta ("This is a stage! What is real?") and about a youngish couple who has just had their first daughter. This causes the dad to spiral into an existential crisis about making sure that he has the answers to life, death, and everything before his daughter is old enough to do drugs and commit suicide. He and his wife, who frankly should have dumped him when he told her he was dropping out of college and wanted to marry her (basically asking her to support him), decide to shop for a church to do the heavy lifting for them and settle quickly on Mormonism because this is a propaganda video. It was pretty unremarkable aside from the opportunities to burst into "Book of Mormon" songs.
Y2K Family Survival Guide
This was an instructional video about Y2K narrated by Leonard Nimoy. We started from the beginning but the first twenty minutes of this hour long video are actually pretty boring. Basically they just talk about why Y2K could be a disastrous event and the explanation behind why it may cause all the computers to fail. We all lived through Y2K and were old enough to remember the panic so we didn't pay much attention. We skipped ahead to the Doomsday prepper part of the film which was a bit more interesting. They had a professional prepper, who was probably excited that his moment had finally come, explain how much water and food to store, what to do about cleaning and bathroom needs, and what to do about lighting and heat sources. They also talked about what to do with money and then had all the people interviewed rate how much of the disaster Y2K will be on a scale of 1-5. Most said 3 or 4 and then immediately regretted that on January 1st, 2000 at 1AM. Overall, this video is a fascinating piece of history but it wasn't very amusing. I bet there are better films out there that are more Doomsday prepper focused.
Satanic Cults And Ritual Crime
This video was only twenty minutes long but was probably the best of the three out of sheer ridiculousness. The film starts by claiming that ritual crime is on the rise and then claims that theorists think that 50% of all missing children cases are directly tied to Satanism. The video also says that Satanists have kids and sacrifice them and that this is all done in secret so there is no data on it but it's definitely happening. Right. Some other amazing facts from the video include:
* Fantasy role playing games like Dungeons and Dragons are gateway drugs to Satanism.
* Heavy metal music too, obviously. You know how dangerous Motley Crue is.
* Search your child's room for dark robes, black candles, and a book of shadows (which is totally a Wicca thing, not a Satanism thing but the video conflates the two constantly; it should be noted that Adam and Kay have both read "The Satanic Bible" and books on Wiccan practices and therefore were able to point out every time this mistake was made).
* Satanism leads to deviant sexual behavior like homosexuality and bisexuality. It also mentioned bestiality and necrophilia because yeah, all four of those things are equivalent.
* There was also a section about identifying Satanic symbols that was a real adventure. A few of the symbols pointed out were correct but some particularly bad examples were the tri-spiral (a Neolithic Celtic symbol that Kay actually has on a shawl she got in Ireland), a swastika (it just means Nazis, guys), a "hexagram" (it was the freaking Star of David), FFF (because F is the sixth letter of the alphabet, I guess), AC/DC (which the video claimed means "Anti Christ Devil's Child" but which actually means either "an Australian rock band," "bisexual," or "alternating current, direct current"), and finally, our new favorite symbol, the cross of confusion (on the right).
This video was definitely the best of the three.
Oh man, it's all about the wild vintage video tonight. We have recently discovered the YouTube channel Occult Demon Cassette, which is full of rips of video cassettes about things like various Christian-themed life advice videos, the terror of Satanism, instructional guides to strange products, cult recruitment, and Y2K scares, among many other oddities. We decided to do a taster platter of what the channel has to offer with three videos of varying lengths and enjoyment value.
What Is Real?
Y2K Family Survival Guide
Satanic Cults And Ritual Crime
* Fantasy role playing games like Dungeons and Dragons are gateway drugs to Satanism.
* Heavy metal music too, obviously. You know how dangerous Motley Crue is.
* Search your child's room for dark robes, black candles, and a book of shadows (which is totally a Wicca thing, not a Satanism thing but the video conflates the two constantly; it should be noted that Adam and Kay have both read "The Satanic Bible" and books on Wiccan practices and therefore were able to point out every time this mistake was made).
* Satanism leads to deviant sexual behavior like homosexuality and bisexuality. It also mentioned bestiality and necrophilia because yeah, all four of those things are equivalent.
This video was definitely the best of the three.
Tuesday, October 31, 2017
Halloweentown [1998]
[Cross-posted on the Bad Movie Night Facebook page.]
In honor of Halloween time, we decided to watch "Halloweentown," a nostalgic movie for Sarah and Kay that we were pretty sure wasn't particularly good. Overall, it's what you expect from a Disney Channel original movie in the days before "High School Musical." It's cute, simple, has a whiny pre-teen/teen for the audience to relate to, and it's very predictable. Bad is a strong word but I wouldn't go so far as to call it good. It's our childhood.
The film centers around the Cromwell family where a single mother abhors Halloween and keeps her three kids (Marnie, the whiny teen, Dylan, the excessively practical one, and Sophia, the little quiet one) from experiencing anything relating to it for reasons unknown. Her rules are rocked slightly when quirky grandma who loves Halloween shows up for the day and helps to make their evening fun with costumes and stories. Marnie awakens in the night to overhear her mother and grandma talking about how they are witches but how her mother wants her kids to grow up normal and powerless. Marnie is not having that so she and her siblings follow grandma and hop the bus to Halloweentown, where she lives. It is a town full of all the monsters and demons you expect living peacefully together with the exception of a weird plague thing that's turning them evil. Grandma tries to make a spell to help save the town but it doesn't work out and just as they go out to start working on a new one, mom shows up to ruin the fun, and then mom and grandma get frozen in a movie theater. It makes a bit more sense in context. The kids take it upon themselves to complete the spell and destroy the bad guy who happens to be their mom's ex. They succeed and mom has a change of heart about the whole "witch" thing and invities grandma to come and live with them to teach them the ways of magic.
This film is pretty harmless. It's actually a solid kids movie albeit, it's 90s as all get out and has some weird makeup and bad green screen as a result of a low budget. Overall, it holds up in that respect. In order to make sure the night was actually ruined, Adam reminded us of the short-lived 90s Nickelodeon show "Weinerville" which is an actual nightmare that we had repressed.
So yeah, "Halloweentown" is fun and not bad. If you want suffering, watch "Weinerville."
The film centers around the Cromwell family where a single mother abhors Halloween and keeps her three kids (Marnie, the whiny teen, Dylan, the excessively practical one, and Sophia, the little quiet one) from experiencing anything relating to it for reasons unknown. Her rules are rocked slightly when quirky grandma who loves Halloween shows up for the day and helps to make their evening fun with costumes and stories. Marnie awakens in the night to overhear her mother and grandma talking about how they are witches but how her mother wants her kids to grow up normal and powerless. Marnie is not having that so she and her siblings follow grandma and hop the bus to Halloweentown, where she lives. It is a town full of all the monsters and demons you expect living peacefully together with the exception of a weird plague thing that's turning them evil. Grandma tries to make a spell to help save the town but it doesn't work out and just as they go out to start working on a new one, mom shows up to ruin the fun, and then mom and grandma get frozen in a movie theater. It makes a bit more sense in context. The kids take it upon themselves to complete the spell and destroy the bad guy who happens to be their mom's ex. They succeed and mom has a change of heart about the whole "witch" thing and invities grandma to come and live with them to teach them the ways of magic.
This film is pretty harmless. It's actually a solid kids movie albeit, it's 90s as all get out and has some weird makeup and bad green screen as a result of a low budget. Overall, it holds up in that respect. In order to make sure the night was actually ruined, Adam reminded us of the short-lived 90s Nickelodeon show "Weinerville" which is an actual nightmare that we had repressed.
So yeah, "Halloweentown" is fun and not bad. If you want suffering, watch "Weinerville."
Tuesday, October 24, 2017
Blackenstein [1973]
[Cross-posted on the Bad Movie Night Facebook page.]
It's been a while since we watched a blaxplotation film so here you go: "Blackenstein" or "Black Frankenstein." It was between this and "Blacula," which I'm sure we will watch in the future. This movie was a pretty weak effort all around but it is worth noting that the picture I used for this post is of the DVD cover and not the original poster for the film because the original poster is just a picture of the woman on top of the title with her breasts on display as she shrieks. Classy marketing.
The film centers around Dr. Stein (a white dude) who is doing experiments on various people, which include finding ways to regrow limbs and stop the aging process. He is joined at his mansion by a Dr. Winifred Walker, an old student of his who requests his help for her boyfriend who lost his limbs in Vietnam. Too bad Dr. Stein's assistant Malcomb has the hots for Walker and decides to intentionally infect her boyfriend so he becomes, well, Blackenstein. He kills people and eats them. Walker tries to cure him, partially with the help of a brown bottle with a handwritten "DNA" label. Malcomb tries to rape her. Blackenboyfriend saves her. He gets eaten by police dogs. Weirdly enough, the Wikipedia summary of this movie is five paragraphs long.
In spite of this movie being overall not good in any way, the director clearly spent a lot of time playing with shots and utilizing the hour they had with the exterior of the mansion through long lingering images of it. The director also decided to keep the monster kind of obscured until the end where we get to see it in all it's poorly madeup glory. Most annoying to me is not how unexciting this movie was but the title. Frankenstein was the name of the doctor, not the monster. In this movie, the main doctor is a white guy named Dr. Stein and his Igor is the one who messes up the experiment. At no point does anyone think to call the boyfriend or the assistant Blackenstein and "Black Frankenstein" is obviously in no way accurate.
Whatever. Feast your eyes on this:
Spoon Rating: 2
The film centers around Dr. Stein (a white dude) who is doing experiments on various people, which include finding ways to regrow limbs and stop the aging process. He is joined at his mansion by a Dr. Winifred Walker, an old student of his who requests his help for her boyfriend who lost his limbs in Vietnam. Too bad Dr. Stein's assistant Malcomb has the hots for Walker and decides to intentionally infect her boyfriend so he becomes, well, Blackenstein. He kills people and eats them. Walker tries to cure him, partially with the help of a brown bottle with a handwritten "DNA" label. Malcomb tries to rape her. Blackenboyfriend saves her. He gets eaten by police dogs. Weirdly enough, the Wikipedia summary of this movie is five paragraphs long.
In spite of this movie being overall not good in any way, the director clearly spent a lot of time playing with shots and utilizing the hour they had with the exterior of the mansion through long lingering images of it. The director also decided to keep the monster kind of obscured until the end where we get to see it in all it's poorly madeup glory. Most annoying to me is not how unexciting this movie was but the title. Frankenstein was the name of the doctor, not the monster. In this movie, the main doctor is a white guy named Dr. Stein and his Igor is the one who messes up the experiment. At no point does anyone think to call the boyfriend or the assistant Blackenstein and "Black Frankenstein" is obviously in no way accurate.
Whatever. Feast your eyes on this:
Tuesday, October 17, 2017
The Controller [2008]
[Cross-posted on the Bad Movie Night Facebook page.]
This movie is basically what happens if you make "Saw" focused on one victim and base his wife's survival on a video game. The most notable thing about it has nothing to do with the movie itself and everything to do with our experience of watching it: Keith managed to predict the ending right at the beginning of the plot layout. And it was one of those predictions that made us all go, "That seems really likely but is the movie really going to just do that." It did. It was lame.
The film is centered around a billionaire owner of a video game company who constantly laments that he's tired of winning. Let us all play the world's smallest violin for him. He wakes up on the day of his wedding anniversary to find his wife missing and his old office turned into a gamer room. An ominous voice on the phone tells him he must play the game he owns and successfully defeat it without dying in order to save his wife. One problem: he has never played the game or seemingly any video game for that matter. He recruits a team of the top five players in the country: guy number one who has an interaction with a cop that has the dialogue and music of a porno, your typical Mountain Dew basement dweller, a guy who works for the company and gets distracted by his wife looking for sex, a stay at home dad who gets distracted by his kids, and a Duke University student. He offers them each a million dollars to help him. The movie from there has even less of the excitement of watching someone else play a video game because at least you could watch funny people play. Also, the graphics are only slightly better than "Foodfight." They win, of course, and it turns out the wife set the whole thing up because she wanted to give his life some "fun". He somehow isn't mad at her for this stunt and ends up becoming a player with the crew who helped him.
This movie is weak. The bland acting is sometimes funny but a lot of the attempts at humor are cringe-y, the plot is kind of stale, and there really wasn't enough "WHAT" to make it worth your time.
Spoon Rating: 2
The film is centered around a billionaire owner of a video game company who constantly laments that he's tired of winning. Let us all play the world's smallest violin for him. He wakes up on the day of his wedding anniversary to find his wife missing and his old office turned into a gamer room. An ominous voice on the phone tells him he must play the game he owns and successfully defeat it without dying in order to save his wife. One problem: he has never played the game or seemingly any video game for that matter. He recruits a team of the top five players in the country: guy number one who has an interaction with a cop that has the dialogue and music of a porno, your typical Mountain Dew basement dweller, a guy who works for the company and gets distracted by his wife looking for sex, a stay at home dad who gets distracted by his kids, and a Duke University student. He offers them each a million dollars to help him. The movie from there has even less of the excitement of watching someone else play a video game because at least you could watch funny people play. Also, the graphics are only slightly better than "Foodfight." They win, of course, and it turns out the wife set the whole thing up because she wanted to give his life some "fun". He somehow isn't mad at her for this stunt and ends up becoming a player with the crew who helped him.
This movie is weak. The bland acting is sometimes funny but a lot of the attempts at humor are cringe-y, the plot is kind of stale, and there really wasn't enough "WHAT" to make it worth your time.
Spoon Rating: 2
Wednesday, October 11, 2017
REWATCH: Mortal Kombat: Annihilation [1997]
[Cross-posted on the Bad Movie Night Facebook page.]
"Mortal Kombat: Annihilation" was actually the 16th movie we watched at Bad Movie Night. Watching this movie predated this blog and predated the Facebook group that predated this blog so I have no original post to link back to. I think a lot of us forgot how bad this movie even was until we saw it a second time. The first time we watched it was almost FIVE years ago so I think forgetting about it is pretty forgivable. It's a good thing Adam somehow managed to remember it and offer it up for a rewatch. But make no mistake: this movie is bad and hilarious and even Sarah could barely follow the plot (although her falling asleep halfway through didn't help; she tried). The rewatch was worth it.
The movie starts abruptly with some loud noises and really bad CGI skies that look like a Windows screensaver from 1995. Adam was the only one who seemed to remember anything about the original "Mortal Kombat" movie but it turned out that knowledge of the original will only barely assist you in following this film. Some bad guys are trying to blend their world with our world and this is why the sky is so ridiculous. Also, the film seems to take place in Thailand, Jordan, and France simultenously based on the iconic structures in the film. The big bad is a guy named Shao Khan. His second in command is revealed to be Kitana's mom who is still alive when she was supposed to be dead (in the previous film, I guess). She has the power of high-pitched wailing and one of the best melodramatic line reads in the film ("Mother, you're alive!" "To bad YOU. WILL DIE."). Shao Khan quickly kills Johnny Cage, the Jean-Claude Van Damme expy, and then Sonja Blade, the Cynthia Rothrock expy, mentions it constantly for the rest of the film. The good guys divide up then since they have six days to find a solution to the bad guy problem. Sonja goes to find Jax, her partner with mecha arms. Raiden, a god, goes to chat with higher gods about the situation. Liu Kang, our kinda-protagonist and Bruce Lee expy, goes off with Kitana, loses some fights to random characters who needed to be thrown into the movie since they were in the video game, and Kitana gets kidnapped.
Liu Kang is told he is not ready to go against Khan. First he must go to the desert to meet a guy named Nightwolf, drop some peyote, and go on a spirit journey. He meets a girl named Jade on the drug trip and there's no way she will not betray him eventually. The good guys all meet up again and find that Raiden has made himself younger looking for some reason. Liu Kang is still "not ready." More hammy lines. More nonsense plot. More fighting.
Ultimately expressions about Liu Kang not being ready were used five times in the film. But since the good guys win I guess eventually he was ready. When the film was over we watched a play through of the original game. Keith described it as, "Kinda more engaging than the movie."
Spoon Rating: 8
The movie starts abruptly with some loud noises and really bad CGI skies that look like a Windows screensaver from 1995. Adam was the only one who seemed to remember anything about the original "Mortal Kombat" movie but it turned out that knowledge of the original will only barely assist you in following this film. Some bad guys are trying to blend their world with our world and this is why the sky is so ridiculous. Also, the film seems to take place in Thailand, Jordan, and France simultenously based on the iconic structures in the film. The big bad is a guy named Shao Khan. His second in command is revealed to be Kitana's mom who is still alive when she was supposed to be dead (in the previous film, I guess). She has the power of high-pitched wailing and one of the best melodramatic line reads in the film ("Mother, you're alive!" "To bad YOU. WILL DIE."). Shao Khan quickly kills Johnny Cage, the Jean-Claude Van Damme expy, and then Sonja Blade, the Cynthia Rothrock expy, mentions it constantly for the rest of the film. The good guys divide up then since they have six days to find a solution to the bad guy problem. Sonja goes to find Jax, her partner with mecha arms. Raiden, a god, goes to chat with higher gods about the situation. Liu Kang, our kinda-protagonist and Bruce Lee expy, goes off with Kitana, loses some fights to random characters who needed to be thrown into the movie since they were in the video game, and Kitana gets kidnapped.
Liu Kang is told he is not ready to go against Khan. First he must go to the desert to meet a guy named Nightwolf, drop some peyote, and go on a spirit journey. He meets a girl named Jade on the drug trip and there's no way she will not betray him eventually. The good guys all meet up again and find that Raiden has made himself younger looking for some reason. Liu Kang is still "not ready." More hammy lines. More nonsense plot. More fighting.
Ultimately expressions about Liu Kang not being ready were used five times in the film. But since the good guys win I guess eventually he was ready. When the film was over we watched a play through of the original game. Keith described it as, "Kinda more engaging than the movie."
Spoon Rating: 8
Tuesday, October 3, 2017
Lady Bloodfight [2017]
[Cross-posted on the Bad Movie Night Facebook page.]
So did you watch "Bloodsport" and think, this is good but what it really needs is for all the major roles to be played by women? Enter "Lady Bloodfight," a film about a bunch of women from around the world in a martial arts competition and it borrows from every Jean Claude Van Damme movie and every rip off of a Van Damme movie ever made. It is also about as mediocre as one. I wouldn't call this movie bad in the traditional bad movie sense so much as it's kind of lazy and a kind of enjoyable. Keith said it best when he summed the experience up as, "Not as bad as a good movie, but not as good as a bad movie." We didn't make the mistake of watching a good movie, but it wasn't funny enough to be a bad movie. If you want ladies in a bloodfight, it will give you ladies in a bloodfight.
So did you watch "Bloodsport" and think, this is good but what it really needs is for all the major roles to be played by women? Enter "Lady Bloodfight," a film about a bunch of women from around the world in a martial arts competition and it borrows from every Jean Claude Van Damme movie and every rip off of a Van Damme movie ever made. It is also about as mediocre as one. I wouldn't call this movie bad in the traditional bad movie sense so much as it's kind of lazy and a kind of enjoyable. Keith said it best when he summed the experience up as, "Not as bad as a good movie, but not as good as a bad movie." We didn't make the mistake of watching a good movie, but it wasn't funny enough to be a bad movie. If you want ladies in a bloodfight, it will give you ladies in a bloodfight.
The film centers around these two Chinese women who were enemies who fought in a kumite (literally "sparring"; the name of the competition) and tied. They were given the chance to either split the prize money or train apprentices to fight on their behalves. They chose apprentices. One of the women is very spiritual and ends up running into an American girl, hilariously named Jane Jones, who fought off some muggers. The girl wanted to fight in the kumite anyway because her dad disappeared during a competition 18 years ago, but she initially denies the offer. The woman proves her training ability by . . . bringing a dead bird back to life. The other woman ends up training a girl who broke into her dojo to steal her sword and her style is a bit more brutal and merciless. We get a long series of montages of the two pairs training with calm, spiritual training versus harshness.
At the kumite we are introduced to a friendly Aussie girl who get brutally murdered in a fight with a psychotic Russian girl with prison tattoos and a bunch of other people we don't really see. We also get a shower room scene because this film was obviously directed by a man. The subplot about Jane's father comes up again when a sketchy dude with a mustache and a gold chain talks to her about money and it becomes clear that he 1. killed her father to rig that kumite 2. killed the brother of one of the Chinese women who was the fiancé of the other, causing their riff in the first place and 3. wants to kill Jane too in order to rig this kumite. In the final showdown between the two apprentices, his crimes are revealed and Jane wins the fight, which I guess is supposed to be some kind of proof that tranquility beats anger or something. And the two women become friends again. And Jane sees the ghost of her father and it's silly.
Spoon Rating: 2*
*This rating is contingent on the fact that the film lacked unintentional comedy with some small exceptions. The movie itself was neither good nor bad.
Monday, September 25, 2017
The Gingerdead Man [2005]
[Cross-posted on the Bad Movie Night Facebook page.]
Three young people with terrible accents (Normal Girl, Not MIchael Lillard, and Bitch) and a few other bakery employees (Other Girl, Drunk Lady, and Butcher-Baker) get terrorized by an evil gingerbread man voiced by Gary Busey. Basically the whole reason we watched this movie was to find out how the gingerdead man comes to be. A robber-murderer who did a whole lot of bad things in a bakery gets executed and cremated. The cremains end up getting sent to the bakery in a box claiming they were gingerbread supplies and then ended up getting mixed into the dough. The result is a one and a half foot terror who loves to murder and pun and is clearly a handpuppet.
He kills. Or at least tries to. Weirdly, only Bitch seems to die for real. Butcher-Baker, who left the bakery before the madness started, comes back to save the day by eating him. It doesn't work because the spirit of the murderer infects him. They shove him in the oven. In the future, it is clear that there are more cremains kicking around and potential for a whole army of gingerdead men but we will not be a part of that.
At an hour and ten minutes (ten minutes of which are all slow moving credits) this movie isn't even worth the time. It is noteable though that the only song with lyrics in the film was written by the director and the rest of the score sounds like a Danny Elfman knock-off.
We have no intentions of watching the sequels but you should know there are three:
* "Gingerdead Man 2: Passion Of The Crust"
* "Gingerdead Man 3: Saturday Night Cleaver"
* "Gingerdead Man Vs. Evil Bong."
Spoon Rating: 1.5
He kills. Or at least tries to. Weirdly, only Bitch seems to die for real. Butcher-Baker, who left the bakery before the madness started, comes back to save the day by eating him. It doesn't work because the spirit of the murderer infects him. They shove him in the oven. In the future, it is clear that there are more cremains kicking around and potential for a whole army of gingerdead men but we will not be a part of that.
At an hour and ten minutes (ten minutes of which are all slow moving credits) this movie isn't even worth the time. It is noteable though that the only song with lyrics in the film was written by the director and the rest of the score sounds like a Danny Elfman knock-off.
We have no intentions of watching the sequels but you should know there are three:
* "Gingerdead Man 2: Passion Of The Crust"
* "Gingerdead Man 3: Saturday Night Cleaver"
* "Gingerdead Man Vs. Evil Bong."
Spoon Rating: 1.5
Tuesday, September 19, 2017
Still Flowin: The Movie [2014]
[Cross-posted on the Bad Movie Night Facebook page.]
Sound is important to a film. I can't really stress this point too strongly as this week's movie, "Still Flowin': The Movie," is basically the worst disaster we have ever seen in terms of sound. Worse than "Guru, The Mad Monk," which was I film I found virtually impossible to understand. Worse than every other low budget film we've seen. It wasn't just that the dialogue was hard to hear either. There was frequently non-diegetic music that would overwhelm the dialogue and the room of the audience with pulsating beats that are sure to induce a headache. And it's worth noting that there is a lot being done with the sound of this movie. The movie was written, directed, produced by, and starred an Australian rapper named Raed Melki who talks on his website about how he has studied sound design and directing. Neither of these things is clear from the movie although I do believe both that he made it himself and that he is his own music producer.
The plot is pretty incomprehensible so we checked IMDb. It turns out the plot is about a rapper from Melbourne who has pissed off a record company so much by badgering them with demos that they hire a hitman (who we named Boozy Burger) to kill him. Meanwhile, there is another record company who is absolutely floored by his talent and is trying to find him. There are subplots that involve a group of guys who like to curse him out when they see him (it goes nowhere), his friend who wants to be an interior decorator somewhere like America or Turkey (it goes nowhere), a party with drugs (some people get high and anti-Semitic and anti-Muslim comments are traded for some reason), his girlfriend (we couldn't even understand their conversations), visiting some kangaroos (we got bored and watched that YouTube video of a guy punching a kangaroo), visiting a church (conversation was clearly had but we kept mishearing things), and some kind of set-up with one of the record guys who wanted him dead. This is the most I can tell you for sure. Also, he's not a good rapper. And this may be based on a true story.
Instead of watching this film, you could get part of the experience by checking out Raed Melki's production company's website. Here's a link to information about casting for the sequel. It's a ride.
Also, check out this weird collection of sentences at the end of the film. Both the beginning and end of the film featured Raed Melki's bank information so you could wire money to him.:
Pretty sure that's not how copyrights work but okay, Raed. What do I know anyway? I'm just a critic.
Quotes:
"I'm not sure that Jesus is full of doughnuts." [Note: This was likely misheard.]
Spoon Rating: 2
The plot is pretty incomprehensible so we checked IMDb. It turns out the plot is about a rapper from Melbourne who has pissed off a record company so much by badgering them with demos that they hire a hitman (who we named Boozy Burger) to kill him. Meanwhile, there is another record company who is absolutely floored by his talent and is trying to find him. There are subplots that involve a group of guys who like to curse him out when they see him (it goes nowhere), his friend who wants to be an interior decorator somewhere like America or Turkey (it goes nowhere), a party with drugs (some people get high and anti-Semitic and anti-Muslim comments are traded for some reason), his girlfriend (we couldn't even understand their conversations), visiting some kangaroos (we got bored and watched that YouTube video of a guy punching a kangaroo), visiting a church (conversation was clearly had but we kept mishearing things), and some kind of set-up with one of the record guys who wanted him dead. This is the most I can tell you for sure. Also, he's not a good rapper. And this may be based on a true story.
Instead of watching this film, you could get part of the experience by checking out Raed Melki's production company's website. Here's a link to information about casting for the sequel. It's a ride.
Also, check out this weird collection of sentences at the end of the film. Both the beginning and end of the film featured Raed Melki's bank information so you could wire money to him.:
Quotes:
"I'm not sure that Jesus is full of doughnuts." [Note: This was likely misheard.]
Spoon Rating: 2
Tuesday, September 12, 2017
Descendants 2 [2017]
[Cross-posted on the Bad Movie Night Facebook page.]
"Descendants 2" is unquestionably the gayest movie any of us have ever seen. After watching "Descendants" last month we had left with a positive enough impression that watching the sequel was pretty much a guarantee but we were wholly unprepared for how much gayer an already fairly gay universe could get. In the first one it seemed like Carlos was a closet case and Chad could very easily also be gay but we didn't think much about it beyond that. We were much more interested in the implications surrounding the phrase, "On the island we don't date. It's more gang activity." That was only scratching the surface. I could write a whole review just about the gayness but I won't because this movie is so full of strange things that need to be acknowledged. Still I will end this post with a breakdown of the sexualities of all of the kids for fun.
The movie opens on a music number which was both unexpected and unwanted. It seemed like the kids had suddenly reverted right back to their evil ways and decided to infect Auradon Prep with . . . magic apples that make them dance. Sinister. Immediately new about this film was a visually higher budget and better song writing. The songs were still not good, of course this is a Disney channel original, but they were tolerable and therefore an improvement over "Descendants." We then fall into Mal's evil eye and are taken to the actual present where Mal has dyed her hair a hideous platinum blonde and is not really into her new life as King Ben's girlfriend. She feels like she is spending her life at required meetings and gatherings and, after a fight with Ben over her magic use, she decides to go back to the Isle of the Lost. She gets a new dye job from this movie's "adorable awkward girl who everyone loves" and a haircut that frames her face terribly and is back to her old life.
What's everyone else doing? Evie is making bank off a fashion side business which she runs with her boyfriend, Doug. Jay is captain of the dance-fencing team and is bummed to have to deny a spot to Lonnie, Mulan's daughter, because Chad pulled out the gender specific rulebook. Chad spends his time showering with men and breaking into Jay and Carlos' room when they're sleeping because he has taken a level in gay. And Carlos is struggling to ask out Jane. Yes, Jane, Fairy Godmother's daughter, not Jay. Yes, this is Disney yet again shoehorning in a straight love interest on the gayest character.
Upon realizing Mal has disappeared, Ben and Evie team up to bring her back to Auradon with the boys, who I guess are just obligated to follow the girls. The villain kids teach Ben about "Chillin' Like A Villain." How this phrase wasn't used in the first movie is beyond me. Mal refuses Ben, but then sings a love duet with Evie. She also confronts her nemesis, Uma, Ursula's daughter, and they exchange some passion-filled banter that makes it seem like they might have dated once. Uma, salty that she was not invited to Auradon when Mal was, kidnaps Ben with her gang of gay pirates and refuses to return him until they bring her, you guessed it, Fairy Godmother's wand.
Jay and Carlos return to Auradon to 3D print a wand while Ben tries to reason with his captors. The wand exchange goes down with a Mal/Uma rap battle and way too much sword fighting. On their way out of the Isle, Mal drops her spell book like an idiot.
Back at Auradon it's time for the cotillion on a boat. Carlos asks out Jane, whose mother seems just as horrified as the audience. Evie is somehow still with Doug in spite of her love duet with Mal. Jay takes Lonnie, who he made captain (since the captain's gender was unspecified) and they hardcore seem to be on a bro-date. Oh, and Mal is back with Ben. Until he shows her that he invited Uma and actually he's in love with her now. NO ONE SUSPECTS THE SPELL BOOK. There's a final battle between Mal and Uma where Uma grows tentacles (becoming a decapus) and Mal turns into a dragon. No explanations needed. Mal wins. Let's have a dance number in the now water-logged cruise ship.
And of course, it ends with Uma dropping the key line, "You didn't think this was the end of the story, did you?" Bring on "Descendants 3"! Adam is hoping it will reveal that every kid's other parent is actually Zeus.
Lucifer, the cat from "Cinderella."
Lucifier, the Bad Movie Night cat.
And a Ben-Bot malfunctioning.
Spoon Rating: 7
Grandma's Review: "It was good."
The Sexualities Of The Main Characters:
- Mal: Standard Bi
- Evie: "I'm straight . . ." *thinks about Mal* "well, mostly straight."
- Carlos: Very gay. Pretty in the closet. Which is decorated with pictures of Jay.
- Jay: Bi but quiet about it because he's not really interested in dating right now (SPORTS). The last to come out in the group.
- Ben: Bi but more likely to date girls. Literally picked Mal, Evie, Carlos, and Jay because they were the ones he was most attracted to. Has a villain kink.
- Chad: Somehow gayer than Carlos. Also, in love with both Carlos and Jay. Diva worships Audrey.
- Audrey: Lipstick lesbian.
- Jane: Possibly the token straight. More likely ace and sees dating Carlos as the best of both worlds because he can cuddle her and emotionally connect with her without wanting sex.
- Lonnie: Pretty futch, tbh. Could go any way.
- Doug: Heteroflexible.
- Uma: Power lesbian.
- Harry: Answers "Sexuality?" with "Oh yeah."
- Gil: Needs help figuring it out.
Tuesday, September 5, 2017
Leo The Lion [2013]
[Cross-posted on the Bad Movie Night Facebook page.]
When it comes to bad kids movies, we often regard "Foodfight" as one of the best of the worst but we are always open to more feats in sickening animation and this film, "Leo The Lion," is certainly up there. The animation looks like a game from the late 90s that isn't rendered properly and this is really notable considering the movie was made only four years ago. It is genuinely difficult to watch. And about twenty minutes in we got another reason to want to run: it's a musical. They really waited to drop that bomb until we couldn't back out, particularly since the film is barely an hour and twenty minutes. After writing the "Descendants" post I realized that whenever a music number comes up in a Bollywood movie, we get excited, but whenever a music number comes up in any other kind of movie, we scream. Also, unrelated to the film, this marked the return of Grandma! She's feeling better and is now significantly more cyborg than she was last time.
The plot of "Leo The Lion" reads kind of like a ripoff of "The Lion King" except without any of the well-structured plot, tension, or developed characters. Leo is a lion who is a vegetarian. This isn't super important except for you to know that he's harmless and that the film is totally against that "circle of life" stuff that was so important in "The Lion King." Leo's mom drowns right away and Leo makes friends with a pregnant elephant named Savanna, which has to be the most confusing name ever when you live in the savanna. Savanna is queen after her husband (who she calls "daddy"; we all had to kinkshame an elephant) got curb stomped by the White Elephant, but they think he got taken to the zoo. She gives birth to two elephants conjoined at the tail and mother and children get separated in a fire. Leo and his Uncle Lope, the antelope, have to care for the babies and a bunch of other lost young animals and they adventure to somewhere. Leo is looking for "the heart of the jungle" but they end up meeting a magical chameleon who shows him that it's actually inside his heart . . . and also a hidden grotto or something. White Elephant sings a villain song complete with goose-stepping elephants. Leo, Lope, and babies leave the "heart" to find their mom. Final battle with Leo triumphing. Leo confusingly marries Savanna and they have unholy hybrid children. Then he sings about being a vegetarian in what should have been an introduction song.
This movie is more painful than funny but we did get a few laughs from things I mentioned in the plot description. We were also disappointed to find that the film used to have really incorrect subtitles on Netflix but they seem to have fixed them. The movie was made by an Italian company and the "heart of the jungle" was originally translated as the "Lake of Milk." Apparently, Leo isn't a vegan.
Spoon Rating: 2.5
When it comes to bad kids movies, we often regard "Foodfight" as one of the best of the worst but we are always open to more feats in sickening animation and this film, "Leo The Lion," is certainly up there. The animation looks like a game from the late 90s that isn't rendered properly and this is really notable considering the movie was made only four years ago. It is genuinely difficult to watch. And about twenty minutes in we got another reason to want to run: it's a musical. They really waited to drop that bomb until we couldn't back out, particularly since the film is barely an hour and twenty minutes. After writing the "Descendants" post I realized that whenever a music number comes up in a Bollywood movie, we get excited, but whenever a music number comes up in any other kind of movie, we scream. Also, unrelated to the film, this marked the return of Grandma! She's feeling better and is now significantly more cyborg than she was last time.
The plot of "Leo The Lion" reads kind of like a ripoff of "The Lion King" except without any of the well-structured plot, tension, or developed characters. Leo is a lion who is a vegetarian. This isn't super important except for you to know that he's harmless and that the film is totally against that "circle of life" stuff that was so important in "The Lion King." Leo's mom drowns right away and Leo makes friends with a pregnant elephant named Savanna, which has to be the most confusing name ever when you live in the savanna. Savanna is queen after her husband (who she calls "daddy"; we all had to kinkshame an elephant) got curb stomped by the White Elephant, but they think he got taken to the zoo. She gives birth to two elephants conjoined at the tail and mother and children get separated in a fire. Leo and his Uncle Lope, the antelope, have to care for the babies and a bunch of other lost young animals and they adventure to somewhere. Leo is looking for "the heart of the jungle" but they end up meeting a magical chameleon who shows him that it's actually inside his heart . . . and also a hidden grotto or something. White Elephant sings a villain song complete with goose-stepping elephants. Leo, Lope, and babies leave the "heart" to find their mom. Final battle with Leo triumphing. Leo confusingly marries Savanna and they have unholy hybrid children. Then he sings about being a vegetarian in what should have been an introduction song.
This movie is more painful than funny but we did get a few laughs from things I mentioned in the plot description. We were also disappointed to find that the film used to have really incorrect subtitles on Netflix but they seem to have fixed them. The movie was made by an Italian company and the "heart of the jungle" was originally translated as the "Lake of Milk." Apparently, Leo isn't a vegan.
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