Steel [1997]

In the same vein as that Nick Fury movie we watched a while back starting The Hoff, here we have another half-hearted 90s superhero movie starring a celebrity but this time that celebrity is Shaq. In this film Shaq, named John Henry Irons, no really, is in the military but leaves when his partner Sparks (future lover? spiritual sibling? their relationship is odd) becomes disabled as a result of a crazy man doing crazy things with weapons. Later on Sparks and Irons (YOU SEE THAT) team up to make Irons into a superhero to fight crime on the streets where all these military grade weapons are suspiciously showing up. He does but leaves his throat unprotected, which surely won't be a problem. 

The best part of the film is definitely the last ten minutes where there is insane fighting and acting. Overall, it's just a below average film with some moments.

Spoon Rating: 3

30 Years Frozen, 3 Brothers Regret [2025]

We have discovered a brand new category of bad movie in the TikTok age. This film came to us from a Facebook ad that targeted Sarah. She doesn't know what she did to cause this ad, but it was accurately targeted as we absolutely wanted to watch this, albeit perhaps not for the reason other people might want to.

This film is actually a collection of shorts, 57ish I believe, sewn together to create a feature length film. It wasn't originally shown on TikTok, but the format is clearly designed for that kind of format. The TikTokery of the film is not just in the format but also in the content. This film feels like its target demographic, outside of bad movie connoisseurs, is sad girls between the ages of 8-12 who feel unappreciated and want some validation that they may one day get their karmic retribution.

The plot to this movie is insane. A rich family of three brothers adopt an orphan girl, Selene, to be their sister after their biological sister disappeared. Until her 16th birthday, they treat her like a princess to the point where there might be something borderline inappropriate about how much these brothers love her. However, then their "real" sister, Stella, shows up and they immediately turn on Selene, hating her and only listening to Stella who wants to drive her out of the family for some reason. After Selene suffers more than anyone has suffered for two years, she volunteers herself as an test dummy for her oldest brother's vague science company where she will be frozen for thirty years and maybe die in the process. She also offers to give her eyes to her middle brother who's blind and does all of this anonymously. After she disappears, the brothers try to figure out what happened to her and reflect on how badly they treated her as they slowly realize that Stella is insane. They also find out that Selene is actually their "real" sister and Stella somehow caused this whole mess. Just go with it. They wait patiently for Selene to wake after those thirty years and even restore her sight (somehow) only for her to wake up not knowing who they are.

Where do I even start? The plot holes? The over-the-top sad plot? The complete redemption for the selfless main character? The Batman-esque cackling villain? The copious, repetitive flashbacks? The fake cliffhangers? The ACTING? Oh, the acting. This is some of the worst acting we've ever seen. Everyone is chewing the scenery on telenovela levels. It's hard to imagine someone watching this without laughing hysterically the whole time like we did. It's hard to imagine someone actually feeling anything from this story aside from joy. 

It's a work of art. Please watch it.

 Spoon Rating: 9 

A Thief In The Night [1972] & Cow [2009]

Our first film of the night was a Christian film about the end of the world. At only an hour, it's worth your time although the main winning parts of the film are in the first half of the film where we get such wonderful quotes as, "All you need to give is your life" and "We met some really great guys." "I met Christ." The film sells the narrative that the end is near so you have to accept Jesus now because you might wake up in the rapture. This is what happens to one of three friends in the second half of the film. She must navigate the world where her husband and one friend is gone and everyone is getting stamped with some abstract representation of the number of the beast. It ends with her waking up from a dream but it's still the rapture so maybe she's in a Groundhog Dog situation.

Spoon Rating: 5 

Our second, shorter feature was an anti-texting and driving short from the UK with some stellar Welsh accents. The first ten minutes are kind of fun, but it gets serious quickly when a car accident causes multiple deaths. We need to stop watching car accident PSAs because they really can only be so fun.

Spoon Rating: 2
 

Rock: It's Your Decision [1982]

Spoiler: it's not. 

This Christian film insists that rock music is bad but frames it like listening to it is a choice. 

Spoon Rating: 4

The Last Slumber Party [1988]

So we watched this. And while that horrible mishmash of fonts was definitely in the film, I don't know who any of those girls are. There are three girls, sure, but not them.

Overall, the plot of this sleepover slasher flick is what you would expect with a few weird adjustments. Three girls have a sleepover and three guys sneak over one by one for hanky panky. The only issue is that there is a maniac on the loose, dressed like a doctor and killing people with a tiny scalpel. The first two guy deaths are the result of the girls going off to shower before sex. Then we have a plot twist in the form of the class nerd, dressed in the same scrubs as the killer, entering the bedroom (everyone used a ladder and at no point does anyone shut the window) and doing some of the killing himself before getting offed himself. At some point it becomes clear that the girl whose house they are at, who certainly seems like The Final Girl, is not the main character and it's actually another girl. She watches everyone get killed only to wake up and have to do it all again. 

At a thin 70 minutes, this movie doesn't overstay it's welcome and it's better for it. The acting is really bad in the best way and somehow no one ever has a reasonable level of fear or surprise. Not a bad option!

Spoon Rating: 5 

Raw Force [1982]

Also known as Kung Fu Cannibals, which is actually a more accurate title but maybe kind of a spoiler. This one is another from the Bad Movie Bible that actually really delivered. Mainly, it's a win because of the absolutely insane acting. It feels almost like everyone was completely aware that the movie they are in is absurd and really went for it.

The plot revolves around a cruise ship going somewhere in the Pacific (this embark from LA and mention the South China Sea at some point). The ship has a bunch of martial artists on it who would like to go to Warrior's Island, an island for disgraced martial artists but apparently you aren't supposed to land there. The place is run by evil monks who are part of a human trafficking scene where they buy girls with jade and then eat them to gain the power to raise the dead. I'm sure that's what you would expect. The ship has plenty of debauchery on it until it is invaded by pirates looking to kidnap women. The ship is destroyed and the cast is reduced down to about eight people trapped on Warrior's Island where they must fight for their lives against monks, zombies, and the evil German leader of the trafficking operation. They win against them and leave with the words "to be continued" only for there to be no sequel.

As I mentioned, the real win here is the acting, which is insane. From the head monk steepling his fingers in evil joy, to the German guy who somehow manages to come off as an antiquated Japanese stereotype, to a clueless birthday boy about to have sex with a confessed murder, everyone is here for a good time.

Spoon Rating: 6

Nick Fury: Agent Of S.H.I.E.L.D. [1998]

If you think Sam Jackson's portrayal of Nick Fury in the Marvel movies is too restrained and subtle, have I got a movie for you. Hilariously, even though Hasselhoff is the lead and he isn't known for chill, they definitely tried to balance out the cast with a bunch of scenery-munchers that are here for a good time, if not a long time. This film was meant to be a backdoor pilot for a television that never got off the ground, but at least we'll always have this.

The plot is a pretty standard good versus evil situation, specifically SHIELD versus Hydra. On the SHIELD side we have The Hoff, a woman with the most 90s makeup you could imagine and is also his love interest, a British man who speaks mostly in stereotypical slang, and another woman who can read minds but like, not well. On the Hydra side we have a psychotic blonde lady with an extensive wardrobe budget so she can dress like the villain she is, her brother she's a smidge too close to, and the frozen corpse of her dad.  Hydra wants to unite the terrorists (I'm sure there will be no ideological issues here) and release a dangerous toxin on all of New York City. SHIELD gotta stop it. They do.

While the plot is thin, the acting is aces. It's no surprise why this didn't make for a compelling potential show, but it'll make for a fun evening.

Spoon Rating: 5