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More interesting than this film is the life of the lead actress who goes by many names. She was a Playboy playmate, aspired to professional bowling at one point, and is currently a fitness influencer in her 80s who has broken a ton of fitness records for her age. Amazing.
Skip the film, but maybe check out her Instagram?
Spoon Rating: 2
From what we could gleam, this was mostly an origin story of the four with two villains: a sewer man who kidnaps a blind artist who eventually falls in love with The Thing and Dr. Doom who has a bone to pick with Mr. Fantastic. Dr. Doom is especially fun with his fixation on caressing people's faces and his flair for the dramatic. Aside from that, the special effects are very special. It was pretty dry for most of the film but the last 10 minutes or so were pretty much non-stop laughter.
We can't totally recommend it, but it wouldn't necessarily be a waste to watch.
Spoon Rating: 4
The plot is simple. An eight-year-old is locked in a closet so his mom can bang her lover, he gets out and murders them with a sledgehammer. Years later, the house is rented out by college kids for a night of partying and he takes his sledgehammer to them. The most confusing thing about the film is the killer himself. He seems to be resurrected by the college kids during a seance, but was he even dead? We never hear of him dying, but he does seem to materialize in the form of a man, implying that maybe he grew up and then died? However sometimes he reverts back to his eight-year-old state. Does it matter really? We're just here for death right? Death and excessive mullets and the longest still shots you could imagine juxtaposed with slow mo because gosh darn it we are going to try to get this film as close to an hour and a half as we can.
We were a bit divided on this film. We laughed a bit but the long shorts, slow motion, and long flashbacks made the film drag quite a bit. You probably won't regret watching it, but we are not sure if it's a guaranteed watch.
Spoon Rating: 4.5
The plot was another "the perfectest girl is bullied by everyone but wins in the end" vibe. In this case the girl, Aurora Sinclair, a porn star name if I've ever heard one, is rescued from bullying from her college roommate because she couldn't afford a bagel by a billionaire she once bought a water for three years ago (when he had been robbed or something? unclear). In a desperate financial situation, she gets a job as a slutty cocktail waitress and is again saved by harassment by the billionaire, Caleb Hunter. They have a one night stand - she's a virgin, he's mostly infertile, both these things are important - and in the morning he offers to pay for her mom's surgery misunderstanding her as a gold digger. Two months later she's pregnant with his twins, and he realizes the money request was a misunderstanding so he comes to find her, saving her from her evil brother, and decides they are going to get married. From there it's a series of her being mistreated by his mom (who she wins over with food and shopping), his cousin, her roommate again, a childhood friend of Caleb's, her brother and roommate again, and him constantly coming to her rescue. They are also awkward around sex in spite of her being pregnant with his twins. She's so pure and perfect, you see. She gives birth. They get married. Again, the good girl wins it all in the wish fulfillment fantasy of a preteen.
Again, another consistent laugh factory only paling in comparison to our previous vertical drama because that one's premise was just so much wackier and the acting was so much more earnest. Still a great watch though! How does one hit the limit on a no-limit credit card? Why would someone keep a used condom next to them in bed all night, only realizing it broke in the morning? Why did she buy a $50,000 dress and do those even exist when the billionaires on Succession don't even wear stuff that expensive? All questions this movie will make you ponder.
Spoon Rating: 7
In fact, let me talk a little bit more about video calls specifically because they are constant in this film with good reason: this is a film that takes place almost entirely on a computer screen a la Unfriended or Open Windows. Ice Cube places an NSA guy who spies constantly on his kids. When the aliens come, apparently they all still have time for video calls so that Cube can see the aliens without actually leaving his Pentagon bunker. It's so stupid, I can't even. The parts that aren't on the computer screen are just shots of Ice Cube's face in his office going through some of the most hilarious and muted face journeys you could possibly imagine. Of course they discover that the aliens are cyborgs and being half organic-half machine is perfect since Cube's daughter is a biologist and his son is a computer hacker who he's been unknowingly trying to track down. They infect the aliens with a virus when they go to gobble up that sweet, sweet data and the family tension is reconciled even though we get no evidence that Cube isn't still stalking his kids.
For the stupid style choices, the predictable as hell plot, the overly dramatic editing, the expressions, and the blatant product placement, this is a good time. Of course, as long as you can watch it for free and aren't giving Amazon any more money to watch this hour and a half long ad.
Spoon Rating: 5
Also that night we did something probably totally ill advised and did a single elimination taste test of 16 different milk chocolates. Our top three brands were Ritter Sport, Tony's Chocolonely, and Chocolove.
The best part of the film is definitely the last ten minutes where there is insane fighting and acting. Overall, it's just a below average film with some moments.
Spoon Rating: 3
This film is actually a collection of shorts, 57ish I believe, sewn together to create a feature length film. It wasn't originally shown on TikTok, but the format is clearly designed for that kind of format. The TikTokery of the film is not just in the format but also in the content. This film feels like its target demographic, outside of bad movie connoisseurs, is sad girls between the ages of 8-12 who feel unappreciated and want some validation that they may one day get their karmic retribution.
The plot to this movie is insane. A rich family of three brothers adopt an orphan girl, Selene, to be their sister after their biological sister disappeared. Until her 16th birthday, they treat her like a princess to the point where there might be something borderline inappropriate about how much these brothers love her. However, then their "real" sister, Stella, shows up and they immediately turn on Selene, hating her and only listening to Stella who wants to drive her out of the family for some reason. After Selene suffers more than anyone has suffered for two years, she volunteers herself as an test dummy for her oldest brother's vague science company where she will be frozen for thirty years and maybe die in the process. She also offers to give her eyes to her middle brother who's blind and does all of this anonymously. After she disappears, the brothers try to figure out what happened to her and reflect on how badly they treated her as they slowly realize that Stella is insane. They also find out that Selene is actually their "real" sister and Stella somehow caused this whole mess. Just go with it. They wait patiently for Selene to wake after those thirty years and even restore her sight (somehow) only for her to wake up not knowing who they are.
Where do I even start? The plot holes? The over-the-top sad plot? The complete redemption for the selfless main character? The Batman-esque cackling villain? The copious, repetitive flashbacks? The fake cliffhangers? The ACTING? Oh, the acting. This is some of the worst acting we've ever seen. Everyone is chewing the scenery on telenovela levels. It's hard to imagine someone watching this without laughing hysterically the whole time like we did. It's hard to imagine someone actually feeling anything from this story aside from joy.
It's a work of art. Please watch it.
Spoon Rating: 9
