[Cross-posted on the Bad Movie Night Facebook page.]
If you happen to be an unusually diligent reader of these posts, you may have noticed that there wasn't a post two Mondays ago. This wasn't a mistake but actually the result of the writer of this blog being on vacation in New Orleans. The movie that night was a rewatch of "Russian Terminator" which we watched over five years ago so the writer did not remember it enough to write anything about it.
We were going to watch "God's Not Dead" tonight but it's currently in the mail so we decided to bet on what seemed to be a sure thing: the first American movie by John Woo starring Jean Claude Van Damme. It's basically "The Most Dangerous Game" set in New Orleans. It was a good bet.
A perpetrually surprised looking woman goes to New Orleans looking for her father who left when she was young only to find out that he died mysteriously the day before. She almost gets mugged by some guys who Van Damme beats up for her. Turns out he is a Cajun native (with the greasiest mullet in America) so she pays him to lead her around the city and help her solve the mystery of her father's death. They stumble upon a company set up by some foreigners where rich people can pay to hunt poor people who will get $10,000 if they can make it ten miles to the Mississippi without dying. When the foreigners realize Van Damme is onto them, a third of the movie becomes an extended fight scene that takes place mostly in a warehouse full of old Mardi Gras floats. Oh, and at one point they meet up with Van Damme's uncle who is the guy from the diabetes commercial.
This movie is actually quite funny and most of that is thanks to John Woo and whoever edited this film. The direction and editing decisions are WILD. There are Woo trademarks like doves in the background and dual guns and a POV shot for an arrow, but there are also great awkward still frame moments, weird wipes and dissolves, and just tons of poorly timed cuts.
The biggest downside of this movie is that Van Damme doesn't wrestle a gator. We still totally won New Orleans bingo though.
Spoon Rating: 6
[Cross-posted on the Bad Movie Night Facebook page.]
America and Christianity: two questionable tastes that are often paired with little regard for sense. Christian movies we have watched in the past have usually had a sprinkling of patriotism, but never have we seen something quite this blatant. The American angle is so strong that we almost thought we were watching a war movie originally. I mean, look at that cover on the right. It certainly doesn't scream, "Christian movie" so much as it screams, "ex-veteran biker" who actually is our main character and narrator. Oh, and a holy martyr representing all persecuted Christians in America. What, you ask? Who are these persecuted Christians since Christianity is actually the dominant religion in America and Christians have tons of cultural capital? Let me explain "Last Ounce Of Courage".
The film starts by talking about a soldier going off to war and dying, leaving behind his wife and baby son. The story is told by his father, an ex-veteran and fervent Christian. For whatever reason, 14 years later this man, who is a pharmacist, biker, and mayor, and separately a crew of high school students decide that the town needs more Jesus. They stop saying "Happy Holidays" and start saying "Merry Christmas." They fight to keep decorations on a Christmas tree. The kids change their secular winter play about aliens to be the nativity story, which isn't actually a stretch since the play is literally just a version of the story down to actually using "Silent Night" in the play with changed lyrics. Our main martyr fights against the evil secular powers on the platform of freedom. He pretty deliberately gets arrested for putting up a cross and is applauded like a hero. The kids put on their play and somehow no one is sad they didn't get to see a play about winter aliens. Most strangely, the soldier's son, who has had nothing really to do for most of the film, comes on stage to play the video of his father dying in the war to prove . . . something. Something other than, "I own a snuff film that surely would have been seized by customs." The audience cries as he holds an American flag. Christmas is saved. Kirk Cameron would be pleased.
This movie elicited a lot of groaning, but that's not necessarily a bad thing. It was amusing in a trainwreck kind of way. The kind of Christians who watch this kind of movie want so much to be punished for their beliefs (I hear the "God's Not Dead" series has a similar bend) and it's kind of sad. It wasn't always laugh-out-loud funny, but it's pretty worth the watch.
Spoon Rating: 5
[Cross-posted on the Bad Movie Night Facebook page.]
Here's a real blast from the past: "Dungeons and Dragons." We watched this movie on the sixth week of Bad Movie Night back in 2012, and it has kind of been kicking around in our heads ever since. Unfortunately, the only thing we really remembered about the movie was that Jeremy Irons overacts and Thora Birch underacts. The actual plot was a mystery. Even after a rewatch, it still is, but we also now know that the overacting/underacting dichotomy is literally enough of a reason to watch this film. It is magnificent.
The plot centers around a land where magic users (mages) are the higher class and non-magic users (commoners) are the low class. Queen Thora Birch wants to create equality and mage (senator?) Jeremy Irons doesn't. This is technically the secondary plot because the main plot follows two commoner thieves who team up with a mage girl to do . . . something. They also team up with a dwarf and a lady elf who wears body armor with boob cups and a molded belly button. It's very much a ripoff of all the "Indiana Jones" trilogy and "The Goonies" in terms of action-adventure scenes. The annoying thief played by a Waynes brother dies, and we were all pleased we wouldn't have to hear his jokes anymore. Then Jeremy Irons releases the dragons and there's a big finale with lots of cheap CGI. Thora Birch tries really hard to be distressed while not moving a single facial muscle.
Honestly? Watch this movie. Even if you only look up every time Jeremy Irons is on screen, it will make your night.
Spoon Rating: 8
