Ishtar [1987]

[Cross-posted on the Bad Movie Night Facebook page.]

If you do any amount of research into the history of bad movies, "Ishtar" is a title that will come up over and over again. It's often seen as the definition of the "big budget flop" as it stars Oscar winners Warren Beatty and Dustin Hoffman and was written and directed by Oscar nominee Elaine May. The Benjamins flowed while making it with a budget of $55 million and in return, the Benjamins did not flow at the theaters. Because it sucks. Sucks like an early Adam Sandler movie, to be honest: the characters are bumbling morons, the plot is ridiculous, and while you may get a chuckle or two most humor is derived from laughable attempts at sentiment.

The movie tells the story of two really terrible songwriters who are probably in love but claim to just be heterosexual life partners. The first half hour or so is just about them writing and performing their songs in hopes of attracting a record label's attention to no avail. Warren Beatty wears a lot of eccentric hats (fur-covered trilby anyone?), can't pronounce "schmuck",  and gushes about how he loves Hoffman's everything. Then they have a long flashback to how they met, when they where dumped by their respective ladies, and when Beatty talked Hoffman down from a ledge in a scene where we 100% thought they we going to kiss. After aggressive flashbacking they decide to accept an offer to be lounge singers in Morocco and the real hijinks ensue when they are redirected to a small fictional country of Ishtar which is on the brink of a war of monarchy vs. communist rebels. I'm not even sure how to explain the rest of the movie as they somehow end up working for the CIA and the rebels and in particular a girl whose archaeologist brother died trying to protect an ancient map that told of two prophets. I wonder who they are. Eventually all the groups want to kill them. And then they don't. And they get to make an album. I don't know. There's also a really insincere sounding king ("I am shocked and saddened."), a lot of spies dressed like other spies, and a blind camel, the acquisition and behavior of which provided some of the only jokes we found funny.

In truth, we've definitely sat through both more boring and less funny movies than this but it is infamous not so much for being encumbered by bad but for being devoid of good. It lacks things that make movies good. And I think this was surprising at the time because of the clout and cash associated with it. It was the "Gigli" of the 80s and for that it will live on in fame.

Quotes:
"My life is fine. it's just full of a lot of pain."

"I can't walk out on him, Carol. He cries every ten minutes."

"You want a blind camel? I have a blind camel. I also have one with a broken leg. How would you like a dead camel?"

"Move the camel. . . move the camel . . . move the camel. . . MOVE THE CAMEL."

And the CIA Agent giving his best Tommy Wiseau: "We did NOT fire on two Americans in the desert. We did NOT."