I Know Who Killed Me [2007]

[Cross-posted on the Bad Movie Night Facebook page.]

Did you know that during the peak of Lindsay Lohan's highly publicized insanity she made a movie? Even better, what little press the movie had surrounded the idea that she played twins in it which called back to the first of her two most famous movies and was the biggest spoiler of the film. Whoops.

The movie opens on a lengthy shot of Lohan dancing in a strip club, shot like someone who has probably made a music video once or twice, before cutting to Lohan reading depressing self-insert fanfics in front of her class while somehow managing to be the smartest, bestest, most popular girl eva. This girl, Aubrey, gets abducted and tortured by a guy who has already killed one of her classmates but when she is found and wakes up in the hospital she insists that her name is Dakota and that she's a stripper who grew up in a poor, drug-soaked house. Everyone thinks she's full of shit (she did write stories about this idea) or possibly under going some kind of repression from her torture. Dakota smokes cigarettes, nails Aubrey's boyfriend, and thinks everyone's an asshole. She slowly reveals that her limbs were not cut off by some psycho but just kind of fell off resulting in the exact same missing arm and leg as the first victim of this psycho. Limbs just do that sometimes. The explanation for why any of this is happening is so phenomenally dumb and unlikely that I'll let you find out on your own. Hint: it's "The Parent Trap" but with injury.

You quickly catch onto the fact that the movie doesn't seem to fully get symbolism since it pretty much tells you all you need to know with color. Any scene with Aubrey is blue and she only wears blue. Any scene with Dakota is red and she only wears red. This is not an exaggeration. On top of that distracting fact, there are unnecessarily long stripper scenes, a phoned in performance from Lohan, a fair amount of gore porn, a villain whose motivation is never explained, and the fact that the movie name makes no sense but still manages to get dropped in the film. You do not know who killed you. You're still alive, you never died in the past, and no one has even tried to kill you. Nothing about this statement is accurate aside from the fact that it is exactly the kind of name a bad movie would have. Success.

Quote:
[To a girl with one leg] "You're a kicker!"

Adam's Grandma's Review: "Interesting."