The Legend Of The Titanic [1999]

[Cross-posted on the Bad Movie Night Facebook page.]

After the popularity of James Cameron's "Titanic" it would make sense that there were a lot of rip offs to make a quick buck and included among them were two animated films from Italy. Both are poorly animated and steal plenty of elements from the original blockbuster but this one has a slight distinction over the other one in that it is horrifyingly offensive on top of being all the usual sorts of bad.

The plot of "The Legend Of The Titanic" is mainly about this American billionaire in the whaling industry wanting to sink the Titanic because this duke's daughter, Elizabeth, doesn't want to marry him and by extension, he will not get assess to her father's . . . waters? Yes, this man wants to sink the Titanic because capitalism. Elizabeth meanwhile, falls in love at first sight with this gypsy dude who she sees when boarding the ship and then doesn't meet again until they decide to wed by having a dance party with a bunch of talking rats. He father is fine with this, by the way, but I feel like I really need to focus on the talking rats. You see, talking animals actually make up at least half of the movie and are a part of all the major plot points. The rats, of which they are mostly bizarre racial stereotypes, hook up Elizabeth with the gypsy guy and Elizabeth talks to dolphins who are trying to stop evil sharks that are in cahoots with the billionaire who wants to sink the Titanic. How do they intend to do this? Well, for some reason the sharks need to hoist icebergs from the bottom of the ocean and up to the surface of the water in the way of the Titanic because in this world ice doesn't float and the ocean isn't that deep. They can't do it alone so they challenge a giant octopus that looks like Casper to an ice throwing competition. When the Titanic starts sinking the octopus repents by holding the ENTIRE ship together so that EVERYONE can get off safely because there's ENOUGH BOATS FOR EVERY PASSENGER. EVERYONE LIVES.

Along with a plot that rewrites a horrible tragedy and ignores science entirely, there's also anachronisms, half the voice acting is unintelligible, no one who's talking has an appropriately moving mouth, and perspective is a mere suggestion.

Also Bush knocked down the towers, the Holocaust didn't happen and was just anti-German propaganda, and Justin Bieber isn't an asshole, just a very committed performance artist.

Quotes:
[explanation of why Elizabeth can talk to dolphins] "You can understand us thanks to a net of magic moonbeams that fell whereby your tears fell into the water."
[best example of the stereotype thing] "Come on muchachos! Let's liven things up with a nice flaminco!"

Adam's Grandma's Review: "Slept through it."

DOUBLE FEATURE: Attack Of The Killer Tomatoes [1978] & Return Of The Killer Tomatoes [1988]

[Cross-posted on the Bad Movie Night Facebook page.]

But first, a word from our sponsors:

We haven't done that many double features in all the time we've been doing Bad Movie Night mainly because of time constraints. We're busy people and someone always needs to work late or get up in the morning so if we do double features they are usually two short movies or a planned event like the time we watched "Ed Wood" and "Plan 9 From Outer Space" together. Therefore, this is our first time doing a bad movie and its bad sequel.

These two movies are about the same thing, tomatoes who go around killing people, and are made by the same people and yet they really couldn't be more different for one main reason. The first movie is a movie that was trying to be a parody of a bad movie and ended up just being a bad movie. The second one was a movie that was trying to be a parody of a bad movie and it was.

The plot of the first movie is exactly what you would expect it to be: tomatoes start killing people. The movie never really shows how though since the tomatoes are actually just purchased from the grocery store and made to wiggle and make muttering noises before cutting to a scene of someone dead and covered in tomato juice. Only after a while do they up the budget to make big paper mache tomatoes. This sounds like it should be funny but in reality most of the movie is made up of the secretary of state forming a team to stop the tomatoes consisting of a master of disguise, a Russian gymnast, a scuba expert, and a former air force man who runs around with his parachute out and trips over it a lot. They get nothing done. The other side plot involves a female reporter trying to get the scoop from the air force guy. And did I mention it's full of racist and sexist jokes? The movie moves at a snail's pace giving you ample time to laugh at things that simply aren't funny and it's made of all original songs which include "Puberty Love", a song sung by a car salesman about capitalism or something, "Tomato Stomp" (which had a dance routine and was one of the better parts of the movie), and the theme song which is actually the best part of the entire movie hands down.

Adam's Grandma's Review: "Terrible. A movie to sleep by."

The sequel was made ten years after the first and barely feels like it's in the same franchise. They certainly had more money to make the second one and instead of going for the horror movie genre, they were a lot more concerned with making what was popular in the 80s: a teen sex comedy involving the archetype of the perfect girl. Chad, the protagonist (and of course, he's named Chad), is a pizza delivery boy in a post Tomato War world where tomatoes are dealt in shady alleys and pizza is made with disgusting sauce replacements. He is infatuated with this girl who lives at the house of a mad scientist, Professor Gangreen, but ends up running away to hide with him after realizing the professor's cruelty. She's perfect! She can cook anything, clean, and knows every sex position in the world! Oh, and she's a tomato. Yes, the tomatoes are now people created by the mad scientist. And they must stop him from trying to take over the world with the help of Chad's roommate, George Clooney. I kid you not. The thing is, while the movie isn't great or anything and it does recycle some old jokes from the first movie that still aren't funny, it wasn't the worst thing ever. It wasn't even really a bad movie. It was far too self aware and had moments of genuine comedy. 

So which one was better? The second one. No competition. The first was an actual bad movie but the painful kind that makes you hate the world and melt into the couch. The second may not really be a bad movie or a good movie but . . . well, it is not the worst waste of time I could think of.

Adam's Grandma's Review: "That one was better."

Some more pictures of Keith's killer tomato:

Rawr!

It's been a rough night.

Someone got a sandwich that knew what was up.

And here's the glorious theme song:

Gigli [2003]

[Cross-posted on the Bad Movie Night Facebook page.]

Sometimes we watch movies where the target demographic is very clear even if the movie is awful. "Half Past Dead" for instance instantly has an appeal to those who like action movies or are particularly invested in the careers of Steven Seagal or Ja Rule (I'm sure they're plentiful). However, every once in a while we get that movie where there is no demographic; where the premise is so muddled that you can only imagine a very specific kind of person wanting to see it. And, on a rare beautiful occasion, that movie is so offensive in every way that it will even alienate that small group who paid to see it.

Enter "Gigli", a movie that made 7.2 million dollars off of film critics and people who were strangely invested in the Ben Affleck/Jennifer Lopez relationship because literally no one else would go see this unless they were horribly misguided about the plot or themes of the film. Billed as a romantic comedy with a crime/mobster edge, this movie is actually a "heart-warming" tale about a mentally challenged guy finally getting to go to a beach party and the most romantic non-sexually compatible relationship ever. With brief cameos by Christopher Walken and Al Pacino shooting a guy in the head.

Gigli (pronounced "gee-lee") is a low level gangster who kidnaps the mentally challenged brother of a prosecuting attorney so they can hold him for ransom. Because he is literally useless at his job, J Lo is sent to assist him in not messing up the mission and Giggly immediately wants into her early-2000s low rider pants. One problem: when he graciously offers her his boner, she tells him she's a lesbian. Now, the writer of this blog thought she was probably lying in order to dissuade his advances but Adam said he thought she really was a lesbian and that Jiggly was going to charm the gay out of her. Unfortunately he was more right. She is a lesbian, as evidenced by the an ex girlfriend's random dramatic suicide attempt, and they do make sex but it ends with him essentially saying he's in love with her and her saying she still doesn't want to "hop the fence." They also have endless conversations about horribly outdated gender roles (there's a "bull" and "cow" in every couple you see) and make ridiculous comments about sexuality. And if those things aren't enough to offend you, remember they are watching after a mentally challenged guy that they kidnapped and Jiggy is a huge stereotype himself. It's equal opportunity offending.

Quotes:
"If by some fuckin' miracle long shot you haven't heard of my reputation let me tell you who the fuck I am! I am the fuckin' Sultan of Slick, Sadie! I am the rule of fuckin' cool! You wanna be a gangster? You wanna be a thug? You sit at my fuckin' feet and gather the pearls that emanate forth from me! Because I'm the fuckin' original, straight-first-foremost, pimp-mack, fuckin hustler, original gangster's gangster!"
"I don't know what you're talking about, but I'm gonna go get my stuff."

"They make my penis sneeze."

[spreads legs] "It's turkey time."
"Huh?"
"Gobble, gobble."

Adam's Grandma's Review: "It stunk."

Half Past Dead [2002]

[Cross-posted on the Bad Movie Night Facebook page.]

Already we knew this Steven Seagal movie was going to be inferior to "Hard to Kill" because there was no way this one was also going to feature a chase scene where Steven Seagal is paralyzed and wheeling himself around on a hospital gurney. I don't even think he broke a neck. There was an anonymous dead wife and most of the action took place in a fixed location so it wasn't a total loss in Seagal movie bingo but it was certainly lacking in his usual cliches.

The film starts with some sort of crime ring Seagal is a part of giving him a polygraph test to make sure he isn't an FBI Agent which he passes. Quickly after he and his BFF, Ja Rule (whose relevancy in 2002 was up to debate among the BMN crew; we questioned whether he was relevant enough to be in a Seagal movie or if Seagal had fallen enough to make stunt casting appropriate; we settled on both in equilibrium), get arrested and sent to "New Alzcatraz." The prison is all abuzz because a man who stole from the US Treasury has volunteered to be the first prisoner killed with this fancy new murder machine. When his sentence is about to be carried out, a bunch of people led by a money-hungry sociopath, exactly who you want in charge, break into Alcatraz to try to get the man to say where he hid the stolen government money and hold a Supreme Court justice who was there to witness the execution hostage. Seagal tries to stop them. Ja Rule helps sometimes. The rest of the inmates use the time to play basketball and raid the weapons cabinet. Many pointless fight scenes ensue. Also, Seagal actually is an FBI agent but the audience knew that from the beginning because Seagal is always the good guy. 

The strangest thing about this movie was really that there wasn't much plot but there were seven main characters (Seagal, Ja Rule, the money thief, the Supreme Court justice, the head FBI agent, the sociopath, his action girl sidekick, and, to a lesser extent, an eighth character in the prison warren) who all had different motivations and this is how conflict arose. I guess that's one way to write a film. Too bad it only lead to inaccurate action scene upon boring action scene upon medically impossible revival. Lather, rinse, repeat.

Quotes: 
[after being asked to give an eloquent speech] "Alcatraz is a bad place for bad people."
"You think you're hard? . . . I'M HARD."

Adam's Grandma's Review: "A lot of action; no sense."

Adam's Review: "A lot of action; no sex."