Executioners From Shaolin [1977]

It's been a while since we've watched a martial arts movie and this one is part o the infamous Pai Mei tradition, which plenty of people are only aware of because of Kill Bill 2.

In the beginning Pai Mei, a contract fighter for the emperor, kills the head of the Shaolin temple and then burns it down. The devotees of the temple escape, at one point hiding as a theater trope. They encounter a female martial artist who is trained in the crane style, as opposed to their tiger style, and she joins them. In a jump cut, she marries the head of the devotees and we get a long sequence about him trying to open her legs on the wedding night, but she's too strong. In another jump cut, she gives birth and vows to teach their son crane style. Her husband wants revenge on Pai Mei, and she says he will either need to learn her crane style or train tiger for ten years. He picks the later and in another cut, it's ten years later and he challenges Pai Mei, losing quickly and running off. Seven years later, he fights a lot with his son and decides to challenge Pai Mei again, this time dying offscreen. The son tries to learn tiger style so he can challenge Pai Mei but the guide his father left behind is kind of torn up so he creates his own version. The movie ends in the middle of the fight but we get a title card telling us that the son successfully killed Pai Mei. 

This movie manages to jump time like crazy while still being so simple. I guess we needed to save time for more fighting. The best part is Pai Mei's magic crotch, which appears to be a black hole that his opponent's feet get stuck in. Overall, a fair amount of silly.

Spoon Rating: 4 

The Fae King Is My Shadow Daddy [2026]

This is one we've been wanting to watch for a while because of its amazing title, and it was worth the wait. The plot is actually really simple, even in this vertical drama world of simple ideas. Eilana is a human going to be married off to fae Duke Matthias to create a peace treaty. He rejects her at the alter, asking for bloodshed, and the High King Caspian steps in to marry her instead and prevent a war. They need to bang to create an heir but keep getting interrupted because of dubious consent, intoxication, a stab wound, etc. Matthias and another royal named Zoya want to bring them down and in spite of numerous attempts, neither the King nor Eilana bothers to punish them in any way that will make them stop. At one point the King saves Eilana from a bog hag and they realize they are mates and Eilana also gets light power (to his shadow power, GET IT) by channeling his dead mom who approves of them from beyond the grave. Despite Mathias and Zoya's efforts, Caspian and Eilana boink at just the right time to make a baby and then they evade their sabotage again to have it and then again evade them to save their son from peril. Using a language loophole, which fae love, Eilana, in spite of turning a fae post pregnancy, kills them because only a born fae can't kill another fae. Happy ending.

This film was fascinating because it seemed to have a higher budget than previous vertical dramas. The sets, costumes, and effects weren't amazing or anything but they were well above some of the other movies we've seen. The other unique thing is that every actor had an accent, likely Eastern European. Here's the theory: they had more money for production because they got away with paying the actors less. They could have increased the wig budget though.

Spoon Rating: 7 

The Blind Beauty [2021]

Dipping back in the Nigeria well, and this time we have a repeat actor. The cousin from Selfless Love and her amazing facial expressions is back as another villain although a more subtle one as everyone in this movie kinda sucks.

The plot is centered around Beauty who's blind. I know, shocker. She lives a horrible life with her Nana, evil stepmother, and evil stepbrother. After a series of money theft and a smackdown between Nana and stepmother, we get to our main plot. There's a slightly better off couple in this village who really want a baby but can't get pregnant. There are witch allegations on the wife but also on seemingly every woman in this village. Thankfully for the couple, Beauty is pregnant so they decide to take her in and care for her with the ultimate goal of stealing her baby. There's some minor conflict here with the stepmother demanding money from them and moving in (although notably, we never see the inside of of any house and they only sit outside). After she has twins and admits that she was raped, she is kidnapped by way of the machinations of the wife who wants her killed so they can more easily take her babies. She escapes and then there's a hit put out on her rapist who is killed by two guys who are then captured by more guys. The movie then just kind of ends. They haul away the murderers and the credits roll. No real conclusion.

In spite of the serious tone you get from recounting the events, the movie is not serious. The beginning was pretty dry, but it does pick up once we hit the main plot.

Spoon Rating: 5