Monday, December 28, 2020
Mommie Dearest [1981]
The movie is about Joan Crawford, specifically through the lens of her adopted daughter Christina, and their tumultuous relationship. When the cameras are rolling Joan is a loving mother and Christina is as alarmingly obedient as a child in a horror movie. Outside of that Joan routinely flies off the handle and often takes it out on her daughter. She loses her contract with MGM and hacks up the garden in a way that made us wonder if she was going to hack her kids next. She goes into Christina's closet and flips out when she finds a wire hanger that she then uses as a switch it whip her with. Her son Christopher is mostly shown tied to a bed without further explanation during the childhood years and then disappears from the film until the very end. Even when Christina gets older, she gets shipped off to boarding school (seemingly for interrupting her mother flirting with a guy), then taken out of boarding school by her mother for making out with a guy and sent to a convent school. As an adult, Joan chokes her out at one point for not doing an interview perfectly, and when Christina is in the hospital with cancer, Joan decides to replace her on the soap opera she's on in a wild move. The film ends with Joan dying and her children getting nothing in the will but the last word, implying the biography that Christina will write. Overall, the relationship is really hard to draw conclusions about other than it's really really unhealthy.
With this movie it's tempting to say just to watch a highlight reel, but the problem with a highlight reel is that it would likely take away from how absolutely random the really insane parts are. Even parts that aren't about Joan flipping out sometimes get elevated in a comical way just because of her tendency to bellow things rather than say them. It's worth it to watch the movie once, but you have to be prepared for parts of it to feel a bit drawn out.
Spoon Rating: 5
Monday, December 21, 2020
Wabuu: The Cheeky Raccoon [1996] & The Secret Of The Hunchback [1996] & A Recipe For Seduction [2020]
*Someone said they had to get their shuffle (shovel) from their gay rahge (garage).
Spoon Rating: 7
The Secret of the Hunchback, our latest entry in the ongoing Hunchbackening (Hunchback's back, all right), has a similar formula to one we saw before: a clear Beauty And The Beast design retrofitted into a Hunchback movie. Esmerelda looks like Belle and sings a song about "wanting something more than this." Frollo is a high sheriff Gaston ripoff with a Jafar voice and a LaFou-esque sidekick. Instead of Frollo, Quasi has two gay priest dads. Uncomfortably buff gargoyles come to life and sing him an inspiration jazz song about how what counts is on the inside. Instead of Phoebus, we have Pierre, which honestly feels like less of a stretch for a romantic lead and I don't know why we don't see more Hunchback adaptions making this choice instead. Pierre saves her from her captivity under the gypsies who gave her to Frollo and they sing a lame love song in the forest that was a ripoff of "Once Upon A Dream" from Sleeping Beauty. Frollo kidnaps Quasi's archdeacon dad to make him marry Frollo to Esmerelda. Frollo also fights with a belt in addition to a sword. He dies by knocking over a gargoyle with it that crushes him to death. Quasi falls to his death but wings sprout out of his hump and he flies away. It was insane but Sarah predicted it. For some fun inaccuracies, we have a joke about Protestantism, a pronunciation of Notre Dame like the college, and cowboys hats. Remember: this is meant to be the 15th century.
It has higher production values than a couples of the ones we've seen but where it really shines is in how wildly odd the story is and how much it borrows from Disney movies.
Quote: I've got a HUNCH we won't be seeing him anymore.
Spoon Rating: 7
Spoon Rating: No spoons. Too corporate. Eat with your hands.
SPECIAL: Doombox Commercial
This commercial for a better mousetrap ominously but appropriately called Doombox is one of the most unselfaware, morbid, and fascinating we've ever seen. This kind of tonal strangeness is often the essence of a truly enjoyable bad movie and this commercial viewed 33 times as of this post (three of those being Adam) is an experience you must have.
Monday, December 14, 2020
Pocahontas (Dingo Pictures) [1995]
The plot is basically the same as the Disney movie but replace Grandmother Willow with a disturbing bush and fill the imperialist ship with an Italian chef, his very racist caricature Asian sous chef, Aladdin, and a cat who has an alarmingly sensual voice. As usually, the animation is ugly and bad, the voice acting is sometimes unintelligible and always weird, and the editing is slap dash.
We'll be watching more next week.
Spoon Rating: 7.5
Monday, December 7, 2020
Stayin' Alive [1983]
So we're never watching another John Travolta movie at Bad Movie Night. After "Urban Cowboy," it was unlikely anyway, but now we know to avoid. The only reason we watched this today anyway was because we didn't realize "Mommie Dearest" was almost three hours long. The regret is strong but at least now every time we see this on a bad movie list, we can check it off and tell you it's not worth it.
Sunday, December 6, 2020
SPECIAL: You Don't Nomi [2020]
If you're also a fan, we're recommend it.