Mutant Chronicles [2008]

[Cross-posted on the Bad Movie Night Facebook page.]

Have you ever felt like you really wanted to watch an Uwe Boll movie without actually giving money to Uwe Boll? Have I got a film for you! Apparently based on a role playing game and very visually reminiscent of "Alone In The Dark" (see: seizure-inducing), "Mutant Chronicles" does a lot of work to make sure to get on our list of some of the most boring movies we've watched in spite of being heavily action.

After five minutes of unintelligible backstory, a war in present day (whenever that is) that looked like some kind of alternate universe dieselpunk World War mash-up, and a bunch of monks talking about the backstory, we all looked to Sarah to explain what was going on. Her main job within the group has become to follow the plot when the rest of us have tuned it out. As she explained to us, some alien machine that creates mutant came to earth and they buried it because it could destroy the world through zombification. During the war, it gets accidentally dug up and these monks who are part of a brotherhood to watch over and destroy the machine gather a bunch of army people to go on a suicide mission to destroy it. The movie literally falls into a huge plothole and the other 70 minutes of the film consist of this group travelling through tunnels like a knockoff Indiana Jones movie, fighting mutants, and dying off one by one in violent CGI ways until all that remains is part-mutant Thomas Jane and a limp cigarette. At least we get a few minutes of perpetually irritated Olive Garden patron, John Malkovich, saying he can't escape to Mars with most of the humans because the gravity difference is bad for his gastrointestinal tract. I know you wanted to think about Mr. Malkovich's bathroom issues.

So who's to blame for this film? A lot of people. This movie had 13 executive producers.

How Adam thought to improve this movie. Everything's better when it's a la mode.

How Sarah thought to improve this movie. And she was the one who paid for it.

Quotes:

"You can fuck a lot of people but you only die once."

"Put it in the hole!"

"Which hole?"

"Any hole!"

Adam's Grandma's Review: "Didn't like it. If I could have slept through it I would have. I wasn't in my recliner."

Girls Just Wanna Have Fun [1985]

[Cross-posted on the Bad Movie Night Facebook page.]

It's the 80s! The Cold War is still going on, cocaine is all the rage, and the conservatives are running the most powerful countries in the world. Also, dancing movies are a big deal.

In this teen flick, Sarah Jessica Parker moves to Chicago which is actually awesome because she can try out to be on Dance TV! Along with her friend Helen Hunt, and Helen Hunt's eccentric cranium accessories that often consist of animals, they sneak off to open auditions against the will of SJP's strict military father. There Helen Hunt gets kicked out but SJP is moved forward and paired up with our hero who was introduced without a shirt. Too bad the stereotypical rich bitch antagonist wants him and the spot on Dance TV and will do anything to get it including having her daddy blackmail the hero by threatening his father's job. Also, rich bitch is pissed off that SJP, Helen Hunt, and the hero's sister, Shannen Doherty, found an invitiation to her coming out party, made a bunch of copies, and then gave them to a bunch of alternative types with no table manners who smashed everything. SJP and the hero hook up and beat rich bitch in the dancing competition with their excessive use of gymnastics and suddenly all the parents have forgiven and forgotten. It's the typical 80s teen movie formula with all its terrible fashions, predictable endings, and no budget to pay for the originals of any songs so you get some generic "Dancing In The Street" and "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun" to accompany a score that's heavily synth. Relish in the glory of these dated quotes:

Quotes:
"Velcro: next to the Walkman and Tab, it's the world's greatest invention."

"Let's hear it for steroids!"

"You're such a little punk!"
"You think I'm punk?! That's not as cool as new wave but it's better than preteen!"

"You're taking a fashion risk. I like that."

[on a motorcycle] "It's the safest thing you'll ever have between your legs."

Adam's Grandma's Review: "It was good. I like dancing."

Highlander 2: The Quickening [1991]

[Cross-posted on the Bad Movie Night Facebook page.]

On first glance at the special edition DVD cover for this film that Sarah purchased at the Book Barn, we almost thought that perhaps it might not be the movie that is often hailed as one of the worst of all time. That movie has the distinctly memorable title of "Highlander 2: The Quickening" while this one merely says "Highlander 2." Don't worry; it was the same movie and the first few minutes made that clear as we stepped into a world of awful. Apparently there cannot be only one "Highlander" film but oh, there should have been.

All of us had seen the original "Highlander" but none of us could really remember it. Fortunately, this movie had absolutely nothing to do with the original and mostly retconed it out of existence. In a world ripped off from "Blade Runner", it's 2025 and McLeod the immortal is an old man at the opera reflecting on how he was sent to Earth from his home planet after he and his teacher, Sean Connery, tried to fight against the stupidly named General Katana. Then he leaves the opera and gets attacked by cyberpunk birdmen and absorbs their power to become young and promptly has sex with an environmentalist who hates him in a dirty alleyway. Somehow this also leads to Sean Connery getting resurrected in Scotland so he buys a suit and travels to meet McLeod in New York (or wherever the movie takes place). But soon Katana comes to Earth (it's where the party's at, apparently) in order to kill them. Not sure why, exactly. To absorb their power? That's mostly what immortals do in these films. There's also this plot about a shield protecting the Earth that is run by an evil corporation and McLeod has to stop it. For the reference, a lot of this movie is told in flashback so it's pretty hard to follow but it tries hard to distract you from the insanity of the plot with pretty but nonsensical sets, confusing, and at one point hypnotic, camera work, and a soulful bagpipe rendition of "Amazing Grace." There's also some comedy in the hammy facial expressions of the actors, the often incongruous or just plain 80s-style music, and the fact that all the main characters look like hair metal band rejects.

Quotes:
[after having Katana smash up his cab so he can't go anywhere] "I should have stayed in school."
"She died an old woman . . . I still loved her."
"Everybody's gotta be someplace."

Adam's Grandma's Review: "I don't know what to think."

Monster In The Closet [1986]

[Cross-posted on the Bad Movie Night Facebook page.]

Our first Troma film! Troma films are odd because they are intentionally ridiculous but how much comedy is intended versus how much comedy you get out of the movie has a tendency to show a notable disparity so they still seem to qualify as bad movies. Plus they are low budget, often rip off other movies, and usually end up with some technical errors. This one had a boom mic at the top of the screen in one shot.

So what's the movie about? A monster with a huge, constantly open mouth that spits out a smaller monster tongue and appears to be able to hop from closet to closet is killing people. It's up to a Clark Kent clone journalist, a science teacher and her genius son, and a scientist who might be the science teacher's father to save the town once the monster comes out of the closet. There are a lot of long scenes of the crew searching around for the monster, a baby Paul Walker (meaning we just unintentionally watched two Paul Walker movies in a row), a running gag about the science teacher being distracted by the sexy of the journalist when he takes off his glasses (Adam referred to this transformation as "from Phil Collins to Henry Rollins"), and a priest who insists that killing a cockroach is a violation of the sixth commandment (which for the reference is "Thou shall not commit adultery"). There are allusions, or rip-offs, of Psycho, Alien, and a host of better movies including the strange tendency to name characters things like Dick Clark, Scoop Johnson, and Dr. Pennyworth. Thankfully, the monster coming out of the closet ends up leading to its downfall when you realize that the joke in the title was more than just a joke. Maybe the movie is trolling us by making us think it's a stupid horror film when it's really a profound meditation on sexuality. Or not. Someone should write a thesis.

Quotes:
"Sometimes you can save more lives by not pulling the trigger."
"Don't be touchy, Dicky boy."

Adam's Grandma's Review: "I liked it."