Leprechaun 4: In Space [1997]

[Cross-posted on the Bad Movie Night Facebook page.]

Sometimes a movie is so obviously bad that you feel almost like it is giving you, the viewer, the middle finger just for bothering to spend any amount of money to watch it. This time the movie literally ended with a giant middle finger on the screen. But how could you be offended really when you voluntarily chose to watch a movie called Leprechaun 4: In Space?

Imagine if Alien and The Fly were smashed together into one movie but with the addition of a malicious leprechaun who attacks a space ship in an effort to retrieve a humanoid alien the space marines have captured who he was trying to convince to marry him to piss off her father. Makes total sense, right? I can't really explain the details of this movie in a manner that makes sense because they don't even make sense in the context of the plot so instead I will give you list of things that happen:

A drill sergeant-esque officer who appears to be missing part of his skull has had it replaced with fiberglass.

The space ship has a 70s disco for the space marines to hang out in.

A man births a leprechaun out of his penis.

Said leprechaun wields a light saber.

A woman flashes her breasts as an indicator that she is going to kill someone.

A talking head is actually mostly robot. Then he becomes mostly spider/scorpion.

The attractive female scientist makes out with the main buff Marine.

The leprechaun becomes giant but this has little impact on the final battle.

Also worth noting?  This movie has a 0% on Rotten Tomatoes and at least two sequels with "Hood" in the title. I smell potential.

Quote: "No one leaves this planet unless I so say . . . say so."

Adam's Grandma's Review: "A little bit of everything."

Still thinking about the penis birth? Allow me to end your curiosity 

(In hindsight, my whole review could have been just this video.):

Vertical Limit [2000]

[Cross-posted on the Bad Movie Night Facebook page.]

Hold on everybody because we've got a real cliffhanger!

I'm not even sorry.

The movie starts with Chris O'Donnell (who you may remember from the George Clooney superhero movie whose name we fear to speak) and Robin Tunney, the actress who played the main character in "The Craft", letting their father die in a rock climbing accident. It's sad though. Well, more funny. But it's not murder.

Fast forward many years and Tunney's character has become a famous mountain climber and has to lead a millionaire up K2 as part of a peculiar marketing stunt. Unfortunately for her, this millionaire sticks his middle finger at fate and decides to go ahead with the climb in spite of the weather and the two of them plus another even more skilled climber end up buried in a snow cave. O'Donnell gathers together a bunch of climbers at the base camp including two annoying Australian brothers, a Pakistani guy whose brother died instead of falling in the ice cave, a random attractive girl who is obviously going to hook up with O'Donnell, and an old guy whose wife died on the mountain. Their plan? They're going to save them with nitroglycerin! NOTHING COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG.

Spoiler: Things do. But in spite of finding out someone is a murderer, a case of edema, many scenes of cliffhanging, and enough explosions to make Michael Bay giddy, things could be way worse.

Quotes: [O'Donnell's character explaining the danger] "It's not just gonna be snow.  There's gonna be ice and rock . . ."

(In other news, the sky is blue.)

Johnny Mnemonic [1995]

[Cross-posted on the Bad Movie Night Facebook page.]

I'm pretty sure without contest that this movie had the best cast of any movie we've watched at Bad Movie Night. It features, in no particular order:

• Dolph Lundgren: the most interesting man alive
• Dina Meyer: that girl from "Starship Troopers" who was way cooler and more interesting than Denise Richards
• Takeshi Kitano: the Japanese film industry's jack of all trades
• Henry Rollins: the punk rocker, motivation speaker, and all around awesome human
• Ice-T: the only real successful rapper turned actor
• Udo Kier: the German Christopher Walken

Oh. And Keanu Reeves in the lead. Crap. I think we can assume that particular casting occurred to make sure the audience knew that it was a bad movie and not the greatest movie ever.

Reeves plays John Smith, a guy who offers up his brain space for secret files distributed by resistance groups in a dystropian cyberpunk 2021. He mostly monotones about his love of expensive things and grits his teeth a lot while things are done to his head. When transporting files from China to the Free City of Newark (I know), his brain is filed beyond capacity because the writers don't know how computer storage works and he needs to get it out or die. He ends up traveling around with an out-of-work bodyguard, Meyer, and visiting her scientist friend, Spider played by Rollins, who goes on a rant about technology destroying the world that we suspect Rollins wrote himself. Spider tells him that the files in his head contain the cure to the disease that's killing everyone and from there it's mostly running from the Yakuza boss', Kitano, hired hitman, a religious Scandinavian giant with a crucifix dagger (and a crucifixation, if you will) played by Lundgren. A resistance group leader, Ice-T, decides to help John with some tech built by Spider that involves sharing brains with a dolphin or something and the cure is unlocked and all the bad guys die. Humanity is saved!

This movie is a definite rewatch, which is to say bad movie gold.

Quotes:

"Have you got parents and stuff?"

"I WANT TO GET ONLINE. I NEED A COMPUTER." - Reeves playing every teenager

"I WANT ROOM SERVICE! I want a club sandwich. I want a cold Mexican beer. I want a ten thousand dollar a night hooker. . . and i want my shirts laundered like they do at the Imperial Hotel."

"Johnny, the dolphin can take you to the data."

"We're going out with a blast so get your VCRs ready!"

Ice-T: "Where's Spider?"

Meyer: "He's dead."

[Ice-T looks at a flaming pile of rubble nearby]

Meyer: "No. Not in there. Earlier."

Adam's Grandma's Review: "Lots of explosions."

Raging Sharks [2005]

[Cross-posted on the Bad Movie Night Facebook page.]

In honor of the fact that two of the members of the BMN crew happen to be involved in the hospital with the best shark attack floor in the area, let there be MORE SHARK MOVIES! I'm not sure why shark movies are so common for bad movies but Nu Images, the company who did this one (not the Asylum), cites this movie as its six shark movie (one of its previous ones being "Shark Attack 3" starring the wonderful John Barrowman). 

This movie is a lot like one of our previous films, "Deep Blue Sea", but with the addition of aliens who sent down orange crystals that turn the sharks into killers and way less production value. The 'action' takes place mostly on an underwater research base stupidly located in the Bermuda Triangle and run by a man with 90s hair curtains. When he leaves the base to talk about the crazy sharks that are attacking anyone who leaves the base, not Steven Segal from the government says he wants to inspect the place for violations. Meanwhile, Hair Curtains' wife, not Amanda Seyfried (played by Vanessa Angel, which is not a porn star name), tries to keep the base together by repeatedly sending people outside to their doom and being sad when they die. Eventually not Steven Segal gets on the base and goes on a killing spree of the people on it and all the stock footage of sharks attacking is pretty much forgotten. Throw in some operatic stock music, actors who cannot convey outrage to save their lives, a man falling from a plane and bouncing on the water's surface like a klutzy Jesus, and a crew member whose accent encompasses every country in the Anglosphere. The movie appears to go back to its home planet in the end but if you think there's going to be some explanation for why or how any of this occurred, I direct your attention to more ambiguous stock footage.

Best Line: "You have two choices . . . and one of them's wrong!"

Adam's Grandma's Review: "I liked it. It was good."