Charlie's Angels [2000]

[Cross-posted on the Bad Movie Night Facebook page.]

"This is what post-Spice Girls, pre-9/11 looked like." - Adam

I wrote this review while listening to Bikini Kill to purge myself. If you don't know what post-feminism is, I suggest you watch this movie for what might be one of the clearest examples ever. Although the movie might try to make you believe that the target demographic is empowered women who want to see a movie about girls kicking butt, everything about this movie says, "Sure, you can have your supposed independence as long as it's done in the most male-gaze-y way possible." This is a fetish film made by someone whose greatest wish is to be Michael Bay. The rules of physics do not apply and the amount of times someone in the room said, "And then they died!" actually managed to exceed the number of hair flips that we counted in the movie of which there were at least five. Perhaps this is ironic (or perhaps it's exactly what you would except from something apparently not meant for women), but the best characters are male: Crispin Glover's Creepy Thin Man, the best casting ever, and Sam Rockwell's character who's really only so awesome because Sam Rockwell. Other than the three mains, there was also another dose of creepy with Tim Curry, an underused Bill Murray, and a pre-fame Melissa McCarthy but if you blinked you might have missed her. The plot is pretty standard and doesn't make the most sense ever but once you realize that you're watching an exploitation film, you understand that it doesn't matter. Also, it's set in the most 70s version of the late-90s/early-00s that I've ever seen. 


It was also weirdly unquoteable. When the movie ended we realized that we never got a memorable quote and yet, none of us were particularly surprised.


Adam's Grandma's Review: "I fell asleep"

REWATCH: Birdemic: Shock And Terror [2008]

[Cross-posted on the Bad Movie Night Facebook page.]

Yesterday we had another classic rewatch at the Bad Movie Night party, "Birdemic: Shock And Terror," and this time we were armed with hangers to fight those crazy birds off.

"Birdemic" has quickly become a bad movie classic among the likes of "The Room" and "Troll 2" for its long shots of driving in real time, meandering score that at one point blatantly rips off "Imagine" by John Lennon, charmless lead actor, poor sound, occasionally confusing dialogue, and, of course, the worse special effects you could imagine. Layered with unsubtle environmentalism and many discussions of "sorah paalels" (solar panels for those who don't speak bored actor), this film wants so badly to be a modern horror romance that pays homage to Hitchcock's "The Birds" but mostly just shows that the bad movie tradition is alive and well. It's a classic story of environmentally-conscious yuppie boy creeps on Victoria Secret model girl and they have a lengthy courtship that ends when birds go crazy and start attacking certain people who agreed to be in the movie. They wander around the California coast, picking up people and having them die, and frequently stopping to buy food or to inexplicably have picnics outside where birds generally are. On their adventures they meet an Iraq War veteran with a hero complex and his girlfriend, an old man on a bridge, two annoying kids who complain about wanting a Happy Meal when given un-scaled fish and seaweed salad, and pony-tailed not-Woody Harrelson who lives in a tree. Other memorable things include, a bunch of people getting covered in . . . bird juice or something, a board room scene where everyone claps every ten seconds, and "Hanging Out With The Family" by Damien Carter, one of the best original songs you will hear in a bad movie.

We didn't watch the commentary this time but if you can get your hands on the Blu-Ray which definitely has it (I don't know about the DVD), I highly recommend both tracks. There's one of the director, James Nyugen, who clearly has no idea that he is making a bad movie, and one of a fan and the two lead actors that is hilarious.

Adam's Grandma's Review: "Wasn't bad."

And here's some pictures of us employing the defense techniques shown in the movie.

Preparing for war.

SHOCK AND TERROR (or a yawn).

Fighting against the bad CGI.

(And yes, that's a framed picture of a spoon)

Foodfight! [2012]

[Cross-posted on the Bad Movie Night Facebook page.]

Sometimes an animated movie doesn't need to be a Pixar rip-off or full of aggressively topical pop culture jokes that are over kid's heads to be utterly unwatchable. Enter "Foodfight!", a kid's movie about a bunch of brand mascots in a supermarket trying to fight against a new brand taking over and forcing them out. This film somehow took ten years to make and still has graphics from an era many years before "Toy Story" came and changed everything. Even the voice actors feel like they are from a previous era including the likes of Charlie Sheen, Wayne Brady. Hilary Duff, and Eva Longoria. But don't think it's just the terrifying dead eyes of the characters and their grotesque faces that make it an eye-averting experience. There's plenty of racial stereotypes and fart jokes to go around. Not to mention every other line of the movie is a pun and I think that's a modest estimate. Oh, and there's repeated references to "Casablanca" (for the parents?). And Christopher Lloyd playing the bad guy who has crazy eyes and is clearly the Minister of Silly Walks.

Sometimes the line between children's movie and fetish film can be rather thin. There's leather and fishnet clad Nazi-esque characters, some rather compromising positions and don't forget the questionable jokes. Here are just some of the sexual jokes made by the characters:

• "Nice packaging"
• "All the girls want my chocolate frosting."
• "You love my raisins."
• "Wanna lick?"
• "It isn't my fault that you have inferior packaging."
• "You've been through the wash plenty."
• "I could kill you. That would be fun . . . more fun than a spanking!"
• "How about joining me in a warm rinse?" "I'm not that dirty."
• "I wanna scrub your bubbles."
• "I never got a chance to play lick the icing with Sweetcakes."
• "Soon I'll have you begging for mercy."
• "Gum up her works!"
• "We'll see who rolls over, baby."
• "I'm gonna pop your corn, lady."
• "On your knees, dog."
• "Size only counts for men."
• "Are those melons real?"

Best Line: "But enough about me, let's kill you."

Adam's Grandma's Review: "Different."

Cool As Ice [1991]

[Cross-posted on the Bad Movie Night Facebook page.]

If you've got a problem, yo, I'll solve it. As long as that problem is a lack of terrible movies in your life in which case Vanilla Ice has got you covered.

Vanilla Ice stars in his first, and mercifully only, leading role in a film with a title that instantly dates itself almost as badly as "She's All That." The plot revolves around Ice cruising around on tacky motorcycles with his all black posse, occasionally rapping in clubs, and mostly trying to win the affections of a straight-A student who is not Jennifer Connelly and whose father is mixed up in some vague trouble with some thug-ish guys who want money from him. It's not very clear. And you know what else isn't? Your vision when you stare into the chaos that is Ice's baggy pants and hair that is shaved to look like bricks. At least it's an interesting visual break from the whitest film ever. No really. The cars, the interiors, the clothes of the female protagonist, and every line spoken by Vanilla Ice are blindingly and confusingly white. Throw in some Adam West's "Batman" sound effects every time Ice gets into a fight, waking a girl up by putting an ice cube in her mouth, and not-Jennifer Connelly's suddenly abusive boyfriend, not-Kyle MacLachlan, and you have something that is about as cool as burning your tongue on hot coffee. 

I wouldn't recommend putting some Ice on it.

Best Rap Lyrics: 
"Together forever 'cause that's a real long time."
"Put your weight on this!" (a clear rip-off of Disco Godfather; but Vanilla Ice never rips off other people . . .)

Bio-Dome [1996]

[Cross-posted on the Bad Movie Night Facebook page.]

It's funny how a movie seen through the eyes of a group of people who've watched "Bucky Larson" together can still manage to be painful but with a nice little layer of awareness that it actually could be worse.

"Bio-Dome", redubbed "Bile Dome" by Adam, is about Pauly Shore and Stephen Baldwin, two of the stupidest humans on the planet, getting themselves locked in a bio-dome that is supposed to be a five person year-long confined science experiment to see if humans can live off the land and maintain homeostasis. Upon discovering that they got locked in too, the billionaire backing the experiment told the press they were a part of the experiment to test chaos theory and oh boy, do they. They screw up everything about the experiment in scene after painful scene of humorless antics until eventually they realize they did a bad thing and spend a year locked inside trying to fix it. There's subplots with their activist girlfriends on the outside and one of the scientists in the bio-dome losing his marbles and trying to blow it up but ultimately that's everything. It's got plenty of faux-environmentalism and non-jokes and could have used more Rose McGowan (it's a movie meant to appeal to teens in the 90s; of course she was in it). It makes "Dude, Where's My Car?" look like "Citizen Kane" and "Bill And Ted's Excellent Adventure" look like the face of God.

Keith: "I'd rather watch the poptart cat [Nyan cat] for an hour and a half than watch this again."

Summarizing Quotes:
"It's a non-stop moron-a-thon!"
"They are a symbol of everything that's wrong with the world."
"Well, that was the stupidest thing we've ever done."

Adam's Grandma's Review: "Bad movie."